All creatures black and purple

I don’t like Mother’s Day.

As a single female with no kids, it’s the one day of the year I’m reminded, well, of that. Publicly.

At the church I used to attend, they’d have a big celebration for mothers, asking them to stand up as they were all awarded a single red rose, or carnation. Guess who didn’t get one? As Beyonce knows..."all the single girls."

Well the ouchies continued until finally someone in the church, likely a girl like me, realized “Hey! This sucks.” And we started being included.

But I still didn’t belong to the club.

It’s an odd world for a single woman with no kids. Especially if you also lack a house or a dog. Since it's not obvious what to say, other people have to cast about to find other things to ask. The normal topics people hide behind to create basic but shallow conversation--How's your kid? Husband? Remodeling? Fido?--don't apply.

That also means that all the things women love to boast about or, as I call it, "complain-brag" about are also off the table. So you have to "give them something to talk about," to invoke Bonnie Raitt: an alternate identity. “Me? I’m a traveler. A diver. A photographer.” Whatever it is, you have to give them a cheat sheet to ease their discomfort with your noncomformity. Especially when they haven’t seen you for years--like when a former boss passed me on the street--they need to be able to ask as he did, “How's the photography?”

Men and women alike are super uncomfortable with lack of conformance to the marriage and kids thing. Like a child in a performance that's always grabbing at their clothes on stage, looking around at the audience, or being afraid of forgetting their lines, they're nervous. It’s even more shocking if you accidently—or purposefully—insinuate this is your choice. Now, you’re a freak, too. What normal woman doesn’t want a children, a house, and a man? (Usually in that order. Sorry guys.)

Me? I’ve learned to help them in their discomfort. I learned this early on, because I’m a fixer. For some reason, when I see people in distress, I do things. So giving them a conversational crutch to lean on by crafting an identity they could talk about helps. People feel socially awkward if they think YOU are, so you have to—mother them.

And there it is again. Mothering.

Most estrogen-based women, whether we have kids or not, are care-takers. It’s in our DNA. We just can’t help it. It’s actually really uncomfortable for us not to pitch in when we see something or someone in distress, even if it’s just social.

Just helping random people not feel awkward isn’t enough though, for women with a maternal instinct. We actually have to mother a living thing. Like, for real. For some women this is their siblings, some choose plants, while others volunteer.

For years, I mothered my family. They likely don’t realize it, but I did this by fixing. Ever since I was a child, I tried to fix problems in our conflict-ridden family. I did the same at school. There, when the lonely, unsocial guys I befriended--because nobody else would--started to like me, I had to suddenly unmother them again.

This worked ok for a few years. But when I got older, the lack of something to mother became acute. By this time I’d already had baby angst for a decade—so strong in fact, that a male friend of mine got infected with it, and had his own kid with a girlfriend. But still I didn’t.

After taking at stab at the baby idea, then stopping when it still didn't feel right for me,  I knew I needed a solution. One Mother’s Day the choice became clear to me: it was to be a baby or a cat.

And there he came. One sunny morning, at the house of my friend-with-many-kittens-to-adopt, a black, short-haired kitten scampered  to me across the floor. He hopefully sniffed at me, bounced, then played. He ran off, and came back. Again. And again. And again. And I was smitten.

He became Skipper. My kid at last.

-------

I’d had Skipper for a few years—or rather he’d had me, when I realized I needed more. I'd found my type of kid. Now I needed some roots.

A few years before Skipper bounced into my life, on yet another sunny morning, I’d picked a lilac branch from the park on my way to work. Walking into the train station with my prize that I planned to put on my desk at work, I was intent on savoring its petals and smell. I was lost to the world, enjoying its yumminess--yet feeling acutely aware that I didn't have a place where I could have grown such lovely things myself.

Alas, I was found out. As I sniffed my delectable stolen lilac, hoping nobody had noticed, a zealous eco-friendly commuter  berated me as she hurried past. “Hey. You shouldn’t have picked that,” she chided.

Something inside me imploded. Irate at her for ruining my moment, I slammed my lilac on the floor, yelling back, “Some of us can’t have homes with lilac bushes, you know.” Feeling angry and guilty, I wanted to cry with grief as well--at what I didn't have in life, and the moment I'd now lost.

I'll show her, I thought. Let me ruin her day like she ruined mine.

It worked.

Instantly, she felt terrible. As her apologies followed me all the way down the stairs to the train.  I mournfully looked back at my lilac on the floor, wanting it intensely, wanting it so bad. But to make her feel worse, I never went back to pick it up.

I've always regretted it. What became of my lilac? I've always wondered. The one that all of a sudden, represented my unexpressed dreams. I'll never know. Did someone pick it up, or was it wasted there on the floor? Maybe someone even stepped on it. Lilacs don’t live long, after all.

-----

It was on Mother’s Day again, a few years later, that I realized I needed still needed the roots and dreams from that lost lilac. All these years, I'd never gotten over the sadness I felt when I walked away and left it to die on the floor. Oddly enough, in my mind, I'd picked it up over and over again. It represented a part of me that wanted to be alive, but wasn’t. I desparately wanted to experience what I hadn’t: stability. To have beauty. Something that was permanent, and mine.

So I took drove myself excitedly over to a local flower shop. “I’ll get a little lilac bush,” I said. "I'll make my dreams of roots come true, whether I’m a renter or not. Why wait forever, for an ideal situation, for what might not come? It's time to move into my life. Today. I just hope the landlord doesn’t notice.”

I got two. (And he didn't.)

My purple and white lilacs just celebrated their third Mother’s Day, while Skipper snored through his 10^th. The flowers have bloomed and thrived, like the cat, surviving sickness and thunderstorms, and  basking in the sometimes-rays of the sun. As I write, both bushes are full of blooms.

I sit by them every day.

Sometimes, with cat.

-----

It’s still not easy being me. It never will be. Most women still won’t talk to me much or invite me places. There’s actually little to talk about, if you don’t do children. And they certainly don't want me around their men. Or their friends. But I'm ok. I've made my choices. I've adopted my type of kids.

My black and purple kids--joined by a pink fairy rose bush on Mother's Day last year--have been just the right additions to my little family. They fed that need inside to take care of, to nurture.

Because inside, nearly every woman is a mother waiting to happen. The difference is only who—or what—calls her that.

yummy

i just got called yummy by an 80 yo guy today. twice.

and it's not the first time either.

my fascination wasn't really with his inappropriate behavior. i mean, it's not like it's not true.

it was with myself.

nobody speaks to me like that in my life. and there's a reason for that. or is there?

what amused me is that i didn't call him on it, either time. i merely ignored it.

i've pondered enough from the time/s it happened before to consider addressing it. i have no problem doing that.

but i didn't.

i may. i might. i could. but will i?

here comes the...tears

i've been invited to a wedding. i'm super SUPER happy for the bride & groom (B&G). they're totally well-suited for each other. and gees. it's about time my buddy got married!

but then i'm going. which is a whole 'nother story!

seeing single at weddings is an odd thing. and the older i get, the odder it is. i'd love to believe my friends can live happily ever after. but then i recall my last post...and those who didn't. rip.

i didn't go to the weddings of two of my best girlfriends. "i'll just cry all the way through." i said. "you'll have a better time without me." i said. they seemed to understand. after all, we're still friends.

it's not about them, they know. it's about me.

when i grew up, as most little girls did, i planned my wedding. pastel gingham dresses, that's what my bridesmaids would wear. me? no idea really.

right now i have my wedding shoes on hand, for this wedding that didn't happen yet, and my postlude. all i need is the dress. oh. and a groom.

me, i've played for so many weddings (as a violynist) in my lifetime they lost their thrill.

and i just don't like attention. i still can't imagine all eyes on me, unless i'm performing on the violin, and people are getting something useful out of it. i mean really. what would people get out of any wedding i have? well, i'm guessing the groom might get something. ;) and my mom. (not the same thing.)

this whole thing about making the wedding the focal point of a marriage seems so illogical to me. how about the couple WAIT 10 years and THEN celebrate?

the odd bitter side of me thinks it's the consolation to the bride. men, after all, are way more happily married than women. statistically so. so the bride gets this one day to be all happy - before she makes toast the next morning for her guy. and he sits on his a** from then on.

but heck. some girlz like to make toast. who am i to judge? they after all, are thinking i'm the loser for seeing single.

so i'll go to this wedding, and be thrilled for the B&G. they really are wonderful. i'll just try not to cry. ya know. cuz it's not about me...

simon-ette says...

i'm at this awkward stage of my life where i've become a role model to newly single women.

this all started a few years ago, when a friend who formerly reveled in her status as exceptional married woman and pillar in the community got divorced. and said to my single sister and me over thanksgiving dinner, how did we get our careers going on?

after i picked my mouth up off the floor that this woman had asked me for advice i realized the tables had turned. i had moved from dispised (OMG we'd never want to be single like YOU) to honored (how have you done it, exactly?).

sure enough. fast forward a few years & my divorcing friends are turning to me for advice on being single.

and damn. have i got some opinions on that!

does this mean i'm happy and successful seeing single?

perhaps. it doesn't mean i'm not! in this context (and for the purposes of this blogette), yes. i am still happy seeing single.

older, wiser, but still happy.

this doesn't mean the adventure doesn't continue, but that is the topic of the next blog...

to younger men...and beyond...

so i have this thing for younger men. i can't 'splain it. it just is.

it started when i was 24 and these two 18-yo's were hitting on me at once, during our orchestra tours to wherever. california, the middle east, south africa, who's counting countries.

and for some reason, it's pretty much continued ever since. most of the guys i date are younger, and it's not just casual. my last younger boyfriend (by 7 years) wanted to get married. a few years ago, i had a 10-years younger bf who i didn't believe wanted an older woman; he later married a woman exactly my age.

i don't chase these guys down. which is funny, because every woman who has been called the nasty jealousy-infused term "cougar" knows that actually, it is the younger men who are chasing them down. aka a recent article i read, which i will try to find & source.

to validate this, you'll see a survey (yes, we love data) showing that some younger men do in fact, like older women more.

anyhow. this year i tried valiently to date older men. which is in fact, in direct opposition to the fact that i don't have to try at all to date younger men. all i have do to is - nothing! show up maybe? if that?

right now it's a kid at the gym. Mr. Fitness. maybe i will get a training session or two, because suddenly the fact that every time i work out my ass, my abs also get bigger, has become Very Important To Fix. this after he's been breaking his neck to look around at me and say hello for what, 2 years now. might as well throw the guy a bone. r.

it's looking like i might get some very. good. sessions. he called me "hon" already on today's text.

and it's not just him. i'm heading out to LA to meet a 10-years younger x-boyfriend (along with the main attraction, my family!) and meeting up for my birthday, i hope, with another 7-years younger x. i guess maybe i should call them xb's. generally i just refer to them as my portfolio of men.

speaking of younger men - just saw them taking this pic live last night in the Boston TD Garden when Javier won the World Championships

after my recent foray into older men (because every woman knows, most men don't want a woman their age. younger please, or older, does just fine. but peer ages? yawwwn...) i've just been like eh.

when i see awesome engagement parties, weddings, and babies, it makes me a little wistful, and sometimes teary if i loved the guy once, that why don't i have that. but i just haven't ran across someone that made me think, wow, let's drop the single life like forever, so we can take care of someone else. oh well, don't get me started on that.

back on track.

i won't elaborate further with my examples, as there are more, but younger men have VITALITY. that is it. energy. and it's not even about the age!

my step-dad is mid-80s and more spritely and young and vibrant than most of the guys that are trying to date me. that's really what i want. youth. not young.

so maybe i should change my scope. give me a guy with a great smile, tons of energy, and fit, and well, there we have Mr. Fitness. who just happens to be young.

here's to him...and the men beyond...

yes, i can feed myself, thank you!

i had an interesting experience lately with a guy that i thought would be next bf. i mean, other than being older than me, and having my dad's voice (owww), he seemed a good fit. we talked for hours. he was spontaneous. he traveled a lot. he was in the navy on a SUBMARINE. how cool is that. he was tall, good-looking & generous.

and then he started telling me how to eat.

what?

5 dates in, after the 4th one was spent in the (aforementioned) 5 hours of talking, he decided that, all of a sudden, he needed to tell me to eat before my food got cold. and bear in mind, this is food i didn't order or eat much of usually. and being a girl, i was TALKING about something Very Very Interesting To Me. so being interrupted to tell me to eat was a little like...

"yes dad."

which is what i actually said. yup. that's not sexy. sexy is

"YES DADDIE...give me more." which i never say. but some people think that is sexy.

anyhow.

so then i was to eat more, (no), just "half" of more (no).

the arrangements around how i should be doing things continued throughout the time we had together, and included a few more very-small-but-interesting actions that portrayed his belief he knew better than me how things should be done.

fast forward ...and i really had a hard time figuring this out. this guy seemed really cool. why was i so upset?

i will say it really all started with something other than the food thing, likely the fact that his eyes didn't light up when he saw me. so right there you have a definite "hmmm" on his part. which is def overcomeable with a shorter dress or something fun like that.

but the part where i'm not doing the right thing every second, especially that i don't know how to eat right just, um, sticks in my throat.

so, regrettably i had to tell the foodster, through my actions of not calling him again pretty much, that i could feed myself.

some days i really wish i didn't have to. but let's just say - when in a pinch...i can get the job done! (so says the extra 5 lbs i'm carrying...)

welcome back to me!

So after many years of wandering in the wilderness of love - I'm back!!! Hello everyone. Or, I mean that lone person far, far, away that stumbled on my outdated blog by accident after drinking far too much in the middle of the night. I hope I cheered you up anyway!

Long story short, I ended up dating a wonderful guy for 4 years...and that ended something like a year or so ago now. He's happily moved on (though I miss him fondly, sigh, but do still enjoy all the gifties from his generous ass) and I've happily not moved anywhere.

I tried a few guys on for size here & there. But they mostly didn't fit. Aka, I'm back seeing-single again! With more adventures.

I will include these in the next blog, as this is more of a welcome back to me.

So now that I've said that...let's move on!

why i like courtney robertson

i think courtney is getting a bad rap on the bachelor. sure, she is mean. and catty. and stand-offish. and an exhibitionist. but the other girls can sure learn a few things from her when it comes to men. here's what i notice:

1) she was confident. yes, this is the #1 thing men all over the world report they are interested in. she was there for herself, to win ben's heart. or ring, whichever became more important. but she wasn't nervous, uncomfortable, and worshipping a stranger. she was herself, whatever that is. when i saw her mother, i realized how much of herself she really was. she has many of her mother's mannerisms, which i thought was a bit endearing.

2) she made dates fun. who likes to go on a date with someone who thinks they are SO much less worthy. or spends time talking about other girls. courtney just had fun, that's it. she didn't boo-hoo-hoo about life with ben.

3) she was authentic & vulnerable. but in a way that wasn't offputting. she mentioned her insecurity and asked for support in an appropriate way. she was also extremely candid with the camera, talking about how men had used her in the past. probably true. it does affect a woman's behavior. not that she wasn't using them back, but still, the conversations where she self-disclosed were real.

4) she wasn't caught up in a fantasy. love was very real to her, from her perspective. she didn't gush over ever-after; she honestly questioned if she should even bring ben home. of all the girls, she was the one that seemed the most grounded in reality: this was a show, where the objective was to get the rose & get to know a guy better. she seemed to follow an appropriate pattern of matching reality to the "love" experience.

5) she was sexual. again, she didn't make the relationship what it wasn't yet. she made it about the present - not about esoteric love and happily ever after. she just made sure her guy was happy now.

6) she takes care of herself. so really. when are 4-hour naps "high maintenance?" i applaud this girl for taking care of herself if that is true. the #1 problem women have is not men, but meeting our own needs - and the main thing we deprive ourselves of is sleep. hats off to a girl that puts herself first...

so there you have it. i admire her. biatch or not, that girl has some game.

i'm everything he's looking for

ok, so here's the other side of the equation: while i'm being frightened he won't show up again, let me recap why he will.

i am everything he is looking for.

1. tall with long legs.
2. pretty
3. single
4. smart
5. no kids
6. not in "awe" of him
7. create a homey atmosphere that makes him go "awww, this is nice." literally.
8. successful career
9. he can introduce me to his friends (which he did)
10. good in bed :)
11. i got his back when he needs support
12. he respects my opinion
13. i don't kiss his ass

crushes suck

i have a new crush (on the guy in the previous post). what sucks about that is you forget how they ruin other people for you! you can be with the coolest people in the world but if they are not as fun as the person you're crushed on, it's pretty annoying.

it's been so long since i had a crush on someone, i've forgotten how it feels. very uggy.

i'm supposing i need to get him out of my system as fast as possible so life can get back to me & my cat. i also have a crush on my cat, but he doesn't ruin me for society like a hot guy does. every guy compares favorably to my cat...

i met a guy & i liked it

well, hello folks. it's been a while.

i met someone who is a "possibility." and by this, i mean for everything. this is actually a momentous occassion, because i had completely given up hope that a guy might exist who could convince me that 1) marriage and 2) children weren't a ridiculous idea.

i just spent a week with him, and now i'm gone. a bit spectacularly: as i was leaving i chided him for not giving me an answer about the weekend plans, because he wouldn't say "yes" or "no" (why don't guys just say no? always this hemming & hawing to avoid hurting your feelings, when you really just want a definite!) then after i went on my own to the beach because he wouldn't go, i called my friend to check up on him ("did he stay at your place last night?"). and since he's also a guy, he probably told him i asked. hey i figured he was just waiting for me to leave to hook up with someone else. but given who he is & how he looks, it's more likely true than not. and besides, buyer beware. i will ask about these things...

anyhow, i am now floundering through my second day of googling "will he call" and reviewing everything in my head like an idiot. he told me hooking up in the future was in the cards, that he would come visit and we'd go somewhere. but that doesn't negate my fright that he will never show up again.

the thing about this guy that is so special is several-fold. ok, that didn't make sense, but it's my blog. :)

first, he can provide for me when he is under incredible stress. that's pretty unusual. he was hyper-aware of my experience at all times, making sure i was happy and ok. that is also very unusual. for a focused man to have that capacity and generosity.

second, we spent a fricken week together & i liked him more at the end than at the beginning. how often does that happen! everything we did was fun. just because he is fun.

third, he was kind. i told him everything about myself in 2 days & was ill in front of him & it wasn't pretty. but he was super sweet & did everything he could to help me.

fourth, he's not my type at all, but super cute smile. women everywhere we went were throwing themselves at him. let's just say, he's cute. and happy. he sings around the house...

fifth, he just has everything handled. like everything. and he tells me what to do ("honey could you wash these clothes for me?") and i actually was happy to. can you imagine. ME? being domestic?

sixth, he has resources. i found myself being an idiot imagining, what if i didn't have to work? wow. working is so painful for me because of my injuries that a lifetime of less pain would be just amazing.

seventh, he wants marriage & kids. even though he also thinks everyone around him is breaking up, as i do.

so that's some of the reasons. the really main one, though, (#8) is that i feel very safe and secure around him. i notice kim kardashian said the same thing about her guy. i can just relax, he's got things handled. whew. what a relief that is.

oh, also there's another one, so this is 9. he is very patient with my weaknesses. i said stupid things (not intellectually dumb, just perceptually off) and he didn't correct me. i forgot directions he told me so he started writing things down.

ok, he did blow up & we had a tiff, but here is #10 - in the midst of our argument (and he apologized!) he mentioned the word "partnership." ok i have paid thousands of dollars to attend the understandmen.com conferences. and what is the key word? partnership.

i'm terrified this guy will never show up again, so i will probably be blogging for the next few days to calm my nerves & get over him. if he is a player, he will be offended/watchful that i asked my friend if he stayed with him the night he left. whether he did or not, he knows i'm a bit stalkerish & not afraid to ask the hard questions. he should know these things. so let him.

but if he really liked me, i got to chill. he's in the middle of a lawsuit, and working 24-7 on getting it fixed. he had time for me and interest while i was there, but when i'm gone, probably he's already lining up chicks. or if not, they're lining up him. (yes waitresses wink at him & girls i meet don't even wait until i leave before they're talking about how to hook up with him.)

so here is my new crush. blah. more to come...