A word in time...

saves mine. Brain.

Check this out...from an articulate and soulful blogger.

la la la

well, i am singing "la la la" like babe today (you know, to the tune of jingle bells...)

i decided to brave my fears and actually have a conversation with mr. india about whether he would choose/defend me to his mom. while he didn't say he was going to tell her anything since of course there is nothing to tell after 1 month, he made it very clear that it was his choice who he was going to spend his life with. she hadn't been able to introduce him to anyone yet that interested him, and it was his life.

given that he's a scorpio, and has never lived in india, i actually have some level of confidence that he would stand up for me if it made sense.

the thing is though, one of the qualifications he said he was looking for in a successful relationship was that it be practical. yeah, i can't really see where marrying an older white woman would be practical. that's the antithesis of practical.

it does also tie into what i was doing this weekend - attending another understandmen.com conference - men & marriage. one of the 12 things men look for is "a safe future" with a girl. yeah. i don't think i'd make that possible. or practical. nice as i am, i am not good marriage material for him.

which brings up the question of if i want to be married anyway. it's a lot of work. i dunno. i might like the advantages, but i don't like feeling less than, and i see a whole lot of less than with a younger indian guy. as i am less than ideal.

right now though, all i have to go on is my trust in his integrity that he is doing what is right for him and me at the moment, and that he will continue to do so. if what is right for him becomes what's wrong for me, then he will have the integrity to do that also, and that will be that. that's the way life is. men choose their partners based on practicality. i'm not that. at all. but heck.

why would i walk away just in case? i've done that so many times. this guy makes my life better in so many ways - which he has been doing from the minute i met him - and cutting off my nose to spite my face seems such a waste.

maybe i can just do it later?

in the meantime i should stop talking about it. everyone tell me basically i'm crazy to believe that he would choose me over his mother and tradition. i think they're right.

but do i want to be right or happy?

yeah.

"la la la..."

that about says it all.

performance anxiety

oh. big revelation! i just figured out why i get so anxious.

i get performance anxiety about relationships. just like i do about every other area of my life.

OMG. freaky.

i noticed once a long time ago that when i was really anxious but acted normal and confident with uh, mr. cap (#1) that he was very happy and smiling. when i was anxious he reflected that.

you never get up and show your anxiety on stage. you pretend you are the bomb. and i am good at that.

so tonite i invited mr. smart over for bamboo. (i called him a panda, lol.) friends or not, it's a confident kickass thing to do. it shows i'm confident & treating him like the other guys he knows i have over for dinner.

what he does with the invitation is his business. mine is remaining confident (urgh) and if not controlling, hiding my anxiety. i'll nev be able to fix it. i never have in any other area. i just get better at everything & work through it.

time to manage my anxiety in relationships - like i do when i go on stage.

what a breakthru.

will you fight for me?

based on my recent interchanges with mr. smart (indian guy) i decided to send him a text letting him know that if he wouldn't be able to stand up for me with his mom (because i'm older and non-indian) that we needed to downgrade to friends.

i deleted him from my phone and i expect i won't hear from him again. i would actually be shocked if he shows up again. i've made it clear, by mentioning it about 3 times, that rejection from his family concerns me. and since i am VERY in like with him, it is already a hard fall to disentagle myself after one month of dating him. i can't imagine having to get over him later.

of course, we could have broken up naturally. or not. i don't know. but i don't want my heart to be played with by someone i really like who has no intention of sharing me with his family or standing up for me.

his friend is afraid to stand up to his mother over what i suspect is an indian woman, and if mr. smart isn't gonna do that, i need to know now.

i'm very sad today as i loved his company. but i don't have much heart left anymore, losing it all the time when i break up with people. what little left i have, i need to keep intact. and not have it get busted up by somebody who might think i'm not worth fighting for...

boo hoo. i hate this.

hmmm

i've been reading over posts from lost in lobsterland. princess b writes such thoughtful posts about her life. ones that people want to read.

me, i write about what bothers me. such as things people don't want to read. oh well. such as it is.

my blog is about dating, not about the rest of my life that is going well.

if i were princess b, i would write about my cozy cat, who is obsessed with attention since i'm not home much lately, and sitting between my arms as i type, watching both the computer screen and the keyboard intermittently. this is because both are moving and he likes moving objects. aka mice.

he is cuddly nowdays, having outgrown some of his kitten angst. i still have to lock him outside my bedroom at night because he decides to wake up mid-night, when i am not. this is because of course he sleeps all day long on my bed. which i am not.

but i am not princess b so i don't write cute things, regrettably. i just go read hers, lol, about ru.

i write about my angst with boyz.

my new boy, mr. smart, is in ny. i wouldn't say i've been good while he is gone, as i took mr. iraqi out for his birthday in an impromptu dinner. etc. etc. but hey. we're not in a r-ship. at least until mr. smart decides he wants one and will show up often enough to keep me away from other men.

he is proving to be helpful though. even when he is sick. i like a smart guy that can think on his feet, even when he is off them.

well, i'm off to bed now and to confess something to someone. oh yes. this is my confessional. well, i've nothing to feel bad about, just odd. i am having a very hard time being alone at night.

the former mr. ny wants to come over, and my sax boy would. when i don't have company i tend to seek it nowdays. as i should. i'm 40 and not married. i haven't had all those years to get sick of someone.

however, i still value mr. smart. i had an interchange with him on text where i said, oh, did i text the wrong hot guy? he said, are there others? and i replied? that depends...in any case... blah blah blah.

he's a bright boy. i don't have to tell him what that depends means. he likes to be in control. if he wants to control where i go and who i see, he can step up. otherwise, as i said, there will be others. sad but true.

after all these years, i no longer chase or get involved with only one guy. that seems to lead only to heartbreak. instead i spread the love and that seems to work much better for me.

me. the girl who had 6 boyfriends when she was 6.

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

lonely

i am so lonely tonite. i don't want to be alone. i tried a couple people, they were busy. new boy? is out of town.

i thought of calling up my, uh, standbys, but they only come over for one reason.

and new boy? tends to text every night wondering what i am up to.

so i am in a quandary.

supposing he and i get into a r-ship, he lives an hour away. if he doesn't want to meet up a couple times a week (which it seems is not on the agenda yet) then i want company. i live alone, duh. of course i want to hang out with someone.

and then, that means the only people that want to hang with me on a regular basis are - my guys.

if i am lonely, i will get resentful. if i keep seeing them, i'm afraid of losing him.

what to do. i don't know.

i am not used to having limitations on my behavior. especially self-imposed ones. but i'm afraid if i just keep doing what i have been, he's gonna think i just play the field & am not interested in settling down. i already know these guys don't want anything more from me, so there is nothing to be hurt by me just not seeing them for a while until i know where things stand with new guy?. but then. i am home. alone.

which is right back where we started from.

girls do not like to hang out. my girlfriends i see rarely, like every 2 weeks or 2 months. except for my neighbor here, who has her whole group of friends.

the only people i hang with is my guys, and i finally got to a point where i am all set with enough of them that chances are one guy will want to come over.

and then i meet new guy?. monkeywrench. i really do want to wait and see what will happen but he hasn't asked me to be exclusive. in fact, i'm the one acting like we are.

i'm afraid i'll screw this up...

so far i'm doing ok. he said i was a sweetheart last night and so far, i haven't done anything (like an emotional outburst that i am famous for) to make him think otherwise. but he is a scorpio, and very discerning about my behavior. let's just say he will know what i am up to, because i don't lie and he asks questions.

i guess i should just assume we are in a r-ship and see if it works for me. after all, i want him. it's only been 1 month, 2 more to go until i see if he's for real, according to sax boy whose opinion i believe.

so the question is can i be voluntarily lonely for 2 more months - thru christmas - until i see where things are going? well, i guess mom will be here for a few weeks of it, and i will be going out of town, and there is the holidays. maybe i can hang in there until the new year. actually, valentines' day, specifically, i will know what he thinks.

no guy that has been in like/love with me has ignored valentines day. they have all shown very clearly where they stand. which means that i've gotten exactly one set of flowers/cards from my ex-boyfriend who ultimately wanted to marry me. the rest just tried to pretend the day didn't exist. as you recall, the disappearing doctor didn't even take me out to dinner.

so yes, i guess the stress test for this guy will be v-day. that will be 3 months and by then i should know whether not hanging with these guys is worth it.

if - we even make it until then...

how do they do it?

those people in relationships? how do they get in them?!

i'm at that uncomfortable not-sure-what-we're-doing-but-i'm-acting-like-it's-going-somewhere phase. with mr. india, who is going to counsel a friend today whose parents want him to break off his engagement.

exactly the reason i'm hesitant to date mr. india in the first place. but then this is after...i'm already addicted.

urgh.

since i can't talk myself into dating him, logically, i'm trying to talk myself out of it instead.

but then he just shows up sweet & nice & i lose it.

fortunately all the guys in the past have been good training for this & i am actually able to maintain my self-confidence. or working on it.

but it's tough. self-confidence in uncertainty is most important - and most difficult.

gobble gobble

i'm feeling gobble gobble-y. happy t-day everyone!

just got the shopping done and didn't have to wait in line at the store for more than 2 minutes. wow. great staffing.

so update on events.

i don't remember where i left off anymore!

sax boy is still in my life. he's turned into a fill-in guy, which is just great. you can read between the lines on that | | lol. and a great friend who gives me advice on other guys. who can ask for more from a friend. a full-service package, lol.

romantically, i met this Iraqi guy that i really liked online (28) and we dated for a bit. i had to shift it to friends however, due to a number of things that i won't elaborate on. he doesn't like that idea. but he just texted happy t-day. and asked me who i'm spending the day with. i haven't answered yet...

...because...

i'm spending it with the guy i met the night that mr. iraqi wouldn't go out. yes, he wouldn't go out on halloween so i went out dressed as a black widow and picked up some prey. or rather he picked me up. he's indian and i don't even know how old. i'm afraid to ask. he looks like, early 20s. oh well.

so i'm treading air because i know since he's from a wealthy family, the oldest son, super smart, and younger that there is no chance of anything. however. i really like. really.

and he texted me every day when i was on vacation in hawaii...unlike mr. iraqi who said he missed me but said hello only once or twice.

so mr. smartguy which is what i'm gonna call the latest guy is very interactive. did i mention smart. cute. and some other things which again, i won't elaborate on, but which this time are very good. lol.

dear diary i'm nervous. spending t-day with anyone is an interesting event. i just met this guy. i've seen him how many times, 3? 2? and so we'll see how things go with him, his sister & her boyfriend.

i've said directly that i can't imagine that he'd want a long-term anything with me considering everything (have you ever seen an indian guy with a white woman? i haven't.) but i am still really enjoying him and miss his company when i don't hear from him. and he seems to handle me well. which is half of the battle, lol. i'm not that easy to get along with.

however, i'm finding that when the guy treats me well, i'm remarkably good-natured. it's when i feel i'm mistreated that i get grouchy and the fights start. like when mr. iraqi kicked me out of his bed. and told me i couldn't spend the night. no drama there. i just said sweetly, well, THIS hasn't happened before. and thought to myself, and it won't AGAIN...

yeah. that was the last time i went over there. we're just friends now, thank you very much.

oh well. i am so not sure what's going on with this. but it seems as fast as i tell my friends i met someone, it's over. this probably will be too. and not just for his reasons, whatever they might be.

i just went through the whole agonizing decision not to have kids so even the thought of that fills me with dread. a guy would have to talk super hard to convince me now to think about kids. odd how things change.

well, dear diary, i'll be back. i can't even say anymore i hope this guy lasts, because no one does. but i'll tell you a little secret: he is nice, and smart, and cute, and good in bed.

so there, i'm at last finding the things i want. all in a cute little unavailable package.

i will say though that he tells me i get him to talk about himself like nobody else has. he's said that a couple times. so i guess i'm doing something right. so at least i suppose when we walk away (which in my case tends to be within 6 weeks) we will still respect each other & have given each other something.

me, i hope i get many happy hours in bed.

not sleeping.

:)

the. light. dawneth.

[cue bright sunrise]

so i JUST realized the reason i'm single is....

relationships make me feel trapped.

yup.

so guys that aren't available or don't want a r-ship are perfect for me.

voila.

no entrapment.

just me workin' my hot little a** through the laser beams of love...trying not to get burnt.

but never. tied. down.

step away from the boy...#400

isn't this about the 400th time i've done this?

this time it's sax boy, who i'm crazy crushed on. but he's crazy & won't see me. too hard to explain. so i've said i'm done communicating online. if you want to SEE ME call. other wise i'm done.

i loved having a buddy to chat with every day but can't keep that up for too long if you actually LIKE the guy. so time to move on & see if he comes back.

if he doesn't, he wasn't mine anyway...

i have this tendency to prefer guys that don't like me. i need to fix that.

while i ignore guys that do. like mr. separated, who i'm going away with this weekend to VT. yawn.

see?

and yet i want to go away with mr. sax, (aka new guy from before) who is certified C.R.A.Z.Y. but i love. i just can't tell if he's a diamond in the rough, or just rough. i'm guessing just rough.

but. oh well. time will tell.

if he L.O.V.E.S. me back.

hmmm

well, i have had a lot going on lately. i mean a lot of guys. i started meeting up with ones on POF and then closed my account. some nice guys, but i'm tired already of hooking up.

the combination of sexy & smart & nice is just so hard to find. it seems most women i know settle for smart & nice. some of them them have affairs. i dunno, i never though it prudent to settle. i knew years ago that if i married a successful workaholic guy i'd have an affair. and if i married a guy that wasn't smart enough i'd want someone else.

i'm reminded lately of when i was 6 and went around telling everyone i had 6 boyfriends. in my head i did too. i even remember some of their names. one was 11 and we went around holding hands. it dawned on me that my preference for being single and playing the field probably started about then...

i'm still back and forthing with mr. sax player, i don't remember what i called him before. he's bitter and hurt and likeable and commitmentphobic, preferring to find everything wrong with me than to date me. oh well.

today i finally said i wanted to move on and not be friends since i liked him. he is resisting that too, doesn't want to be "banned" from seeing me. well, how about seeing me then? duh.

all a negotiation process with some people. so many objections to overcome. yawn.

oh well. off to a client meeting...i mean dinner & drinks, yea.

:)

exercisin - or see rule #28 to the right

a lot has happened lately. in an odd twist, i couldn't handle the kissing style of new guy II, the really sweet friend-of-a-friend that i had by accident ended up dating from POF.com. i decided to keep dating mr. divorcee (the guy i meet at the meetup group a couple weeks ago) as when i called to break it off i ended up still liking him so much and his little marketing campaign for himself that i decided to keep seeing him. and i hooked up again with mr. acquarius, the guy that i called new guy a few weeks back.

life is odd in my single land. just when i think i know what's up - it's not.

in cat land, my little rabies-quarantinee attacked me the other day and bit me up, nothing to do with rabies i don't think, but his general little demon streak. then a few nights later i actually got into a swatting fight with him after he bit me and i bopped him back. then the next morning he is sweet as pie laying on my chest purring. wtf is wrong with this little kitten.

i'm at my sister's right now in her new condo just lovin' it. on vaca for the long weekend seein' who is to be seen (mostly her) and helping her unpack as she just moved in last week.

so the theme of this blog is exercisin. ok. so back to the future. in the future of me, i need to be as distant as mr. acquarius is with me. it's a great exercise. and one i need to take on as an exercise. i get very clingy when i date and it sucks. for everyone.

the other night before i met up with mr. acquarius i had an interesting evening. we had just finished an alumni reunion for current and past employees of my little company. i was out with a co-worker/friend for yet another drink, and when we were at the bar the bartender, my friend's friend, was talking about how clingy women annoy him. (that's me.) i was like hmm. this is what it does to guys. hmmmm.

anyhow, in my drunkin but happy state, i try to continue the convo i'd had with mr. ny the night before about meeting up. aka overnight. no response. (turns out he feel asleep early!) anyhow, i get annoyed and think. hmmm. i've been having all these sexy e-mail convos with mr. acquarius. wonder what he's up to? so i root around for his # which of course, i've deleted in my angered state over the past few weeks. finally i check my personal cell and voila. what? a text from him 3 hours prior, wanting to meet up! i'm like uh, i just got your text! come over. he's like, uh, i'm at home now (45 min away). i'm like anndddd?

so he came over. and we had the best night ever.

funny how not dating anymore and lots of sexy talk can do that to ya.

so of course i'm online thinking how i can fix this little annoying clingy part of me, and reading on the dxpnet boards about acquarius. and i decide that the clingy side of me has just got to go. these news guys i'm dating want to keep seeing me b/c - newsflash - i don't really care about them.

and just like the bartender said the other night (in a conversation HE started, not me) if you want a guy to be crazy for you, just treat him like all the guys you don't really like.

so. i'm exercisin. results to come...

new guy II et. al.

i'm thanking my lucky stars that new guy I (aka the first) didn't want to date anymore. i went out with another guy last night, another online date, and it was just so fun. we'll call him mr. puerto rico.

he NEVER mentioned another girl once.

ok, so then he was sweet, talkative, liked people & we just hung out. and cried over the redsox. lol.

that was the perfect end to a stressful week. work is just insane with so much drama going on that i don't even know which end is up. but i am keeping on doing my work and my subject line is doing just great. my clients are happy and we are working on developing new business, and my product area is getting more robust all the time.

kitten is enjoying being indoors to a large extent. i manage to keep him busy eating, playing & being scratched as much as possible. he's just the funniest little thing. he recognizes me walking up the street to the house, even in the dark, and yowls blood murder. then when i get in the door, he runs off in less than 3 minutes to do something Very Important That My Arrival Distracted Him From and i don't see him again.

finally, weekend plans. yea. today i'm off to see a friend that is moving out of state, who will be my 5th facebook reunion. of people i haven't seen for 10 years or more. then maybe meet up with the girls at the pool. tomorrow i have another date with a new guy i meet at the meet up group last week. we'll meet at the meetup again & then branch off if we feel like it.

this no-baby thing is just so freeing. now i can date and sing la la la like babe (at the start of jingle bells) and not worry about nailing a guy to the wall. yea.

oh what a relief it is to finally (seem to) escape the biological clock.

that's the topic, my dear watson

yes, i obsess about men. everyone who knows me knows this.

however, this is also an on-topic blog.

so anytime you want to read about something else, feel free.

click here to leave. lol.

it's a big. wide. world out there.

in my head, not so much. been around the world (48 countries) and ayiyi...

there's no place like home.

ixnay on the ores-hay

ok, just between you and me, it is perfectly justified to ask a guy not to call women whores all the time right?

yeah. i thought so. since i hadn't encountered it particularly before, and i seem to have dated, ahem, a bit over the past few years, i do have some experience in this area. (says the analyst.)

and if you don't want to go down on a guy the first time you hook up, even though he goes down on you, that is also perfectly ok, right? because you are the woman? aka, not whore, who can have some standards and some class and some rules, and the guy should think this is cool right?

not use them as reasons he doesn't want to date you anymore?

yes. i also thought so. maybe i should view new guy (aka last man) in a not so hot light. like a jerk.

or maybe a real jerk.

new people

well of course i never stop meeting new people. even though i think i will.

today the leader of the meetup group that i hadn't seen for a while (not mr. meetup, that's another guy) texted me and i ended up meeting him and another girl (she's super cool) for walking around, drinks, etc. we ended up at the meetup to see 500 days of summer tonite, way cool. highly suggest it.

i have a date lined up for next week with a super cute capricorn (yes, we love/hate caps) from POF, and then i met a cool guy at the meetup who works for the FDIC. yes, we also love smart boys. earlier on today i talked with two other guys from POF, one of whom i'd chatted online with a bit before. so i could also meet them, but think, uh, not sure. maybe just two new guys at once is ok as opposed to 4.

so i have two new dates.

this week i decided i won't be having kids, momentous decision. i actually marked the time & date also. for the record.

so there goes the baby angst and the pressure on Must Find A Man. now i can just relax & enjoy my rebound guys from new guy. or last man. i don't think i want to give him a name actually, i'll just make every guy i see New Guy and confuse the hell out of all of us. because as you know, it's me. no guy ever gets old. they're new, and then they're gone.

someday. someday when i'm 80 i'll be dating a guy who isn't new. that will be just b/c he is old.

lest you think i am all obsessed about men all the time, which i am, i'm actually going out to meet PEOPLE. not new guys. but there are usually no people but guys that want to meet me. because of my health i flake often & those that know me know this, and probably that's why they don't ask me out. so my phone doesn't ring all weekend, and i have no family here and i cry because i'm so lonely and then i well, you know.

so i guess meeting guys is the new thing. except for the meetup group which is cool. i will just hang with strangers in between my friends' husbands and boyfriends being out of town, which is the only time they call.

yes, it's hard to be single at 40.

agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him

excellent dating advice, this. it's actually a key premise of Tigress Luv's stuff on liftedhearts.net.

haven't seen it exactly reverse any relationships, but the odd thing about the guys i date, is they keep coming back. new guy won't. in fact, he is not that anymore. i should call him last man i guess.

but nothing like telling a guy he was right to chuff him up. doesn't hurt to end on a little praise...

well i sure do pick em

new guy isn't. he's over. he is so bitter at women that it is shocking.

i didn't realize it, but it is so. and it was a no-win situation with him.

i won't talk about it now but i'm just ugh.

mr. NY is just amazing. he just told me the sweetest thing ever. i will write it later.

anti

i am wishing again, for the millionth time that i wasn't a woman.

OMFG

new guy just told me he doesn't want another kid. over text. not a text aimed at that, but that's what the content was.

i don't know what to do with that information. needless to say, there go my dreams of kid out the window. kid with him.

i don't even know what i want but i was hoping. i asked him if there is anything else he doesn't want to do again that i need to know.

read: get married.

waiting to hear.

what to do.

being ignored

i'm pondering my reaction to this. new guy tends to ignore things occasionally, last night it was a sexy text i sent. he might not have gotten it, but it is so opposite of mr. NY.

i just can't deal. the anxiety rush is huge and i am just not up for that.

was walking around "looking" at this feeling i had. trying to figure out how it worked. a good step. but ultimately there are deal-breakers, and this is one of them.

oddly enough, it also makes me want the guy more, but i am not going to let that happen. i am just plainly stating what i want from him, no games, and if he's not up for it, let's just move on.

cathousebroke

kitten seems to be adjusting to his new tenure indoors. at the moment he's playing with catnip mouse madly as i type. sweet. play away.

i've had to schedule time each day to entertain him, as he is a very high maintenance kitty. he needs to be kept active and in lieu of the great outdoors, it is the great me that now needs to make sure he doesn't get bored.

because bored leads to whiney & bitey & nah, we can't have that.

so fingers crossed kitten will just forget all about what is out there and love the great person who is me and enjoy eating and playing & watching birds & doing all the things that indoor kitties do.

therapy

so i was going to see a therapist. awesome, i thought. all my friends will be happy. and my dates, lol.

she seemed nice. convenient.

and then i got the cancellation policy. $130 if i forget an appointment. WTF? or reschedule. not required if i schedule within the same week. well, what if i can't reschedule?

i told her i'd think about it. nothing in my life costs me $130 if i forget it...

cat-undrum

well, catty went out & got ouchie on his leg. "of unidentified origin." and yours truly let his shots expire. by what, 5 weeks. so now he is "at risk" for rabies and under house quarantine.

honestly i'm not sure he'll make it. if he doesn't i'll have to have him put down. that is everyone else's opinion. but makes sense. by make it, i mean survive being indoors. the other stuff i'm not so worried about & neither did the vet seem to be, but IT IS THE LAW.

lawful are we.

also wanting to try to remake him as house cat. right.

so i picked up some catnip which my (now not sure) new guy recommended & a laser tag playtoy that the vet recommended. he is in love with the laser. just in love.

he's so smart he soon figured out he could anticipate it. then he realized he could control where it went - by just not following (upstairs again? nah). then he determined his favorite place to play is the couch. after that, he started trying to find the correlation between the light & the little thing in my hand.

but still he remains entertained.

last night i made a complete laser show for him, tracing circles around him, the wall. we are both entertained.

so he's eating, sleeping & playing more. but happier? not sure. def not more affectionate. but heck, he is company now...not being gone for 2 days at a time.

we'll see how kitty makes it 5 long months. or how moi does.

new guy IS

well, seems i might actually HAVE a new guy. i went to hear him play this weekend & he is an impressive musician. i mean great musician AND performer. his band rocked and really engaged the crowd, meaning all ages. they are a party band & they really were good at it. did i say i was impressed yet?

met one of new guy's crazy ex girlfriends. he calls them the 3 sopranos. the third one is such a b* that this is what she did. so we're standing around in line for beers & he sees her. they start talking & i have no idea who she is, but immediately note she is absolutely gorgeous. like model type. i kind of stand back & give them room to talk, as is the guy she is with, who is looking rather pissed.

new guy introduces me to her & her to me. then i hear her talking something about there is this girl that wants to come hear him play. i'm like WTF but i pretend i can't hear b/c of the other band playing. so we walk away & he tells me who it is. i'm like, did she just talk about other women that want you in front of me? he was like yea, she's trying to cause trouble. she was asking who you are. yes. i was 3 feet away.

he tells me there's a reason why she's and ex and it is clear to me what one of those is. she has just broken every girl & guy code there is.

of course i don't think he handled the situation that great either, but in any case, goes to show what kinda balls she has to talk like that with me right there.

so i'm under the assumption that if i want this to work, it might. i think i do. i saw a lot of stuff that i liked about new guy this weekend, not the least of which was he is a good musician. gotta have some real respect for that. secondly, he seems nice, normal & very sweet.

hmmm...!

in other news, i changed all the curtains in my house today, put on a new futon cover & am redecorating. bah humbug. tired of things the way they are...

kitty news!

yea, request for kitty news. kitty came back! any little fool could see, he was crazy, to just run off without me! ;)

so after 2 nights he came running across the neighbor's lawn meowing full force & headed straight for his food dish. he ended up with a spot of something on his leg, which he had licked clean so it looked all yucky. i scheduled a vet appt but then it seems to be healing, so i'll just take him for kitty shots instead & if the nurse gasps, sign up for the doc. save about $100 that way.

he's been indoors since his last escapade. sleeping like a loggy. well, that is, when he's not meowing to go out. but no go until his leg gets ok from the pros.

i guess i'll have to resign myself to a life of kittys & men that come & go at will & without warning...

new guy seems to be somewhat like i am, unsure. but he's not asking me out so i've been seeing where that stands. we tried to get together yesterday at my request but the option was to follow him to a hotrod street car show at foxboro stadium & the traffic that way is ugh. i already went by the stadium yesterday anyway to a client meeting so not fun. today i asked him about my friend's band playing tonite (remember the bitchy bachlorette? her now-husband used to play in it) so we'll see what excuses he makes. if any, i am done asking to see him.

in the meantime, mr. NY is in the picture again so i have company as i fight my baby angst again. urgh.

having a very hard time accepting the decisions i've either made or NOT made in life. much anxiety lately & nowhere to turn. oh yes, i can turn my head to hear kitty meow. the birds are calling him & he can't come out & play.

darn it.

lucky birds.

america's next top model

my obsession. yea. bravo ran a whole season so that's my activity today if new guy doesn't show up.

inside my air-conditioned place - for the first time this summer. yea for A/C.

now. if i just had my kitty i would be happy.

[sends out catnip vibes to the universe]

grr

well, my kitten for company - wasn't. he's gone. 2 nights now. i'm worried he won't come back. i imagined last night (or heard) him yowing when i called for him, so today i did a short walk of the houses & didn't hear him b/c the wind was blowing. i figure later today if he doesn't show up i'll go look in all the windows of the houses around b/c that's where he'll be if he can be.

i really hope somebody didn't take him. i need to call the girl that said he visits sometimes. hopefully she's not feeling bad for locking him in & then trying to make friends with me. ooh i think evil things of people. i will call her this p.m. if he doesn't show up.

otherwise what do you do. he wanted to be an outdoor cat, not much i can do.

sad. new guy was playing a gig last night so i spent the evening alone. no kitty either. waaah.

not letting go

as princessB said, there is letting go & holding on. so for some reason i'm missing all the people i just let go, so of course i'm checking in on them again. but it's interesting because i'm seeing new guy sometimes, he was here last night for a while. so in a sense, they're helping me keep perspective on him - aka not diving in like before.

i'm not actually so sure about him anyway, but he is compatible on so many levels & is just super sweet. he's actually winning me over even though i've never dated his type before. for one thing, he never says any "rs" as i was teasing him about last night.

last night we actually had our first serious conversation, which went rather well. it started with me mildly objecting to him repeatedly talking about his ex-wife. then we talked through the whole thing a bit in a very rational way. i was impressed with us.

it's raining cats & dogs today, so kitten is sitting at the top of his kitty tree, observing all the cats falling outside that are NOT him. very good investment. yea. one happy cat.

it's not over until...

well i decided to hook up with mr. NY again. he's single again & i'm still that way so WTH.

seeing new guy tonite. not so sure about things but we'll see. (something happened with him that was wierd, but i won't go into it...) i just don't want to give up something & i'll have to with any guy. urrgh.

plus when i see mr. NY again i think gee, why do i need to change anything?

i swear when we get together it's like a fricken movie. yeah, for sure. and i feel so young & sexy.

but that's not all there is to life. problem is, i want that badly. that young sexy feeling. apparently i want it more than other things, so i give them up to keep that around. i'm not so sure i like that choice...

in other news, client meeting today that i'm suiting up for. oddly enough, work is very fulfilling. i do want more though. i mean gee, really. i wish (for the millionth time) i were a guy. then i COULD have work & kids cuz i'd have a built-in babysitter.

dammit. why did god make me a woman? i'm so pissed at that right now. ok, him.

he's not doing very well by me lately. what is up with that? i just think i got shortchanged by god when i was supposed to get favored cuz my dad is a preacher.

not.

well, it happens

so i finally have a new guy. of quality. & substance.

last night my new guy told me i was everything he was looking for. i didn't really take in the idea at the time, but it sure was interesting to think about this morning.

i asked him how he knew this, and he pointed out that he'd showed up & done everything he could to turn me off (essentially, by telling me the truth about his life, divorce, kids) & i - was still here. he said i drive a nice car, have a great job, etc. but i didn't show up telling you all that, i just said the truth. i was like, well, i don't like being impressed anyway. so that worked.

i pondered that thought & pointed out to him he'd managed to do that without shooting himself in the foot, which is what most guys do. he hadn't put himself down, he'd just told it like it is.

me, on the other hand, didn't tell him how impressed i was. a man that is kind, generous, provides for women & his children (and now me cuz he's been paying for everything even if i offer), has a personality AND a career, and most important - values the qualities in me that i've been like WTF doesn't anybody notice. plus, he is ok with religion & knows a lot about it - but has my same priorities of BALANCE. on, did i mention he is cute & affectionate?

yeah. it's been a while. i've been dating guys for years who just don't care about the things that really matter in a person because they didn't want relationships. so what if you are spectacular, i'm looking for so many "yous" that eh, whatever.

so we'll see what happens, but at the moment, i'm shall we say, falling...

finally...

...as princessB blogs tonite, a change in the weather.

after not hearing from new guy (POF guy that i met) for a week, i decided before i wrote him off to text him. so i did. and i got a really sweet text back. me: enjoyed hanging out with you! him: me too, would love to meet up again so i can get off this site.

i thought. hmm. promising.

then nothing. he couldn't go see tall ships with us & nothing else.'

so i bit my nails until yesterday, when he showed up again & wanted to do dinner. so we did dinner last night.

very impressed. he reminds me of a composite of a couple exes of mine, but seems to have gotten further down the career & socialization & commitment path than either of them. so we'll see.

oddly enough, his relationship broke apart over religion, the fundamental greatest influence of my life. but fortunately i found a balance, & it seems he did too.

i'm hopeful. i got off POF anyway, before i heard back from him tuesday. just so many guys out there wanting to either waste your time (what do you do? how do you do it? when do you do it? with whom do you do it? why do you do it?) or want to hook up. i did enough of that. been there. done that. eh.

so. we'll see. i have a really good feeling about this.

and my guess is, as long as i do, he'll keep coming back. because it seems to be when i don't have a good feeling anymore that things fall apart. & the guy leaves. or i leave him. & then i want that good feeling back (that was already wrecked when i decided things wouldn't work between us, but i didn't want to admit it).

maybe i can break that cycle. or. maybe it's not me, since all these guys are either still single or - in the case of my cheater ex - unhappy now.

anyhow. here's to new beginnings...

and we have...NOT reached our destination. or any for that matter...

just when i think i've gotten somewhere, i find myself two steps back. my frustration with men continues. i wonder if it will ever end. i think not.

so the online guy that i spent the 4th with didn't show. just in case, i texted him a week later (yesterday, showing remarkable restraint for me) saying i enjoyed hanging out with him. he responded immediately that he felt the same, would love to see me again, and he couldn't wait to get off the dating site. so i invited him to the tall ships yesterday. he sent a nice response, baby shower, gig he is playing, he could try to get out of it. i said, nah good to keep your gigs have fun.

nothing since.

so unless he is unseasonably busy, nothing is going to come of this guy.

in the meantime, the cute (27 YO) german friend of my friend seems to like me. he's been at about 3 things that i've done with my friend lately and he is new to town. he went with me to see the tall ships again. and i am very amused by his stories. he's well-traveled and interesting and likes to talk. i like to listen, so that works fine. he's also asking a lot of questions about me which leads me to believe he likes me.

when i asked my friend about him a few days ago, she said oh no, he's too young for you. yes, he even exceeds my 10-year limit. so i didn't even consider him more than a friend. but i'm curious. he mentioned visiting the aquarium about 4 times and i think he wanted me to say i'd go with him. so i said i would. (he's a diver.)

i guess you just go with what IS sometimes, rather than what you WISH would be. all the time i was with him i was thinking about the other guy & wondering if he'd show up again.

but oh well. i really am wondering why i can't seem to be in a r-ship so at this point, i'm not sure i want to be so picky.

life is sure strange. for me, anyway...

the more the merrier

as the laws of attraction go, the guy i like hasn't shown up again, so i've responded to nearly every guy that wrote to me on POF. what the heck. i ended up liking this guy & thought i wouldn't so i'll give it a try.

going to see the tall ships today. should be fun. :) sunny weather, yea.

might end up with a POF date, we'll see.

movin' right along...

last night in a drunk moment i wrote mr. NY a pissed off e-mail saying if you didn't feel the need to lie to me (about the status of our non-relationship) i might still be seeing you. do you really think women like to hear s***? he'll probably be pissed, and good. months of not being able to tell me the truth, that he didn't want to date me.

at last my ex-cap told me the truth.

grrrr. annoyed.

new guy

so i met a new guy. we'll call him New Guy.

met him online, POF.com. he's - shockingly - my age. normal. cool. nice. we've met up exactly twice. day before the 4th, and the 4th with my friends.

i am in like. serious like.

for one thing, he is super affectionate like my (ex)cap, but cares about me. unlike my (ex)cap. he is also smart like mr. ny. but doesn't treat me dismissively as he does.

yeah i know, i figured this all out in 2 dates. yes. but that's ok. this guy may not come back again (although he didn't say he'd call, which is a good sign) but even if he doesn't, he reminded me - sweet, cool guys exist.

i don't need to go round & round in circles chasing my tail to find them.

ah.

now we wait [taps fingers on table...]

revelation

so blogging is good. i just realized the main theme...

1) i can't make up my mind
2) i get pissed at everyone i date

guys don't leave me, i actually leave them first. or i get bored. or annoyed.

i can't remember a time when i was seriously in love OR like with someone and they left. i either left first or told them we shouldn't date exclusively anymore or had already gotten bored but didn't want to admit it - and then they left. if i hadn't already.

this even happened with the jerk. i was the one who questioned long-term (rightfully so).

so the guys that stay in my life actually like me. they just don't commit in general. or - i have gotten upset and wishy-washy with them about whether we should be together or not.

i haven't met any other women with this kind of pattern. most women i know get stuck in r-ships and can't get out. me, i can't seem to stay in.

but still. i have never regretted. there is no guy since my childhood that i wish i were with, because for all of them, i would have given up part of myself. for one moved to another country. for another, not gone to grad school. for yet another, moved out of state & left my job. should i go on?

as it is, i am whole.

single, but not in pieces.

now the question is, how to merge this whole piece of me with somebody else. yes, i'm working on that...

it's called legos. i have great legs. so i just need the 0's.

(hee hee)

chasing my tail

i feel like i keep going around in circles. my posts are all the same.

i like this guy.
no i don't.
i am leaving.
wait.
i miss him.
um, [dials the phone]
he comes back.
wait.
he is dating someone else.
i'm not hearing from him.
i miss him.
um [dials the phone]
he comes back.

rinse.
repeat.

now the question is, why is this happening & should i try to stop it? my friends tell me to get counseling but i had 3 counselors over the past few years & they all depressed the he** out of ME. i didn't get anywhere. maybe somewhere but gees. once someone starts blaming my religion for my issues, we have a problem.

news flash. i am not in a cult. therefore, it is not my religion that is the problem.

back to the topic.

i keep going in circles for a reason. because i can't stand to lose people i really like. so i try everything i can to make things work, but i change my mind all the time so the guys are like WTH? but still, they know i like them and they like me, so we keep trying to make something work. even friendship.

i called my father on father's day. i didn't enjoy the call. but i did my duty. the root cause of my problems with men, it's like drinking at the spring of poison. but it is also trying to forgive and move on. i am responsible for my decisions, he is not. so taking responsibility also means - doing just that. so i am grown up.

and sad.

what do you do. i guess in my case, call up one of my guys and keep chasing my tail. at least, i have a beautiful and tasty tail.

some would call that a nice a**.

:)

just amazing

today i met up with mr. NY again. of course he is now living here in boston, with a GF if you forget my tortuously long history with him.

i haven't seen him since he moved here because, to my relief, he is not a cheater. so he has avoided seeing me. i therefore was not a bit surprised that when he finally wanted to meet up months later he is thinking of ending things with her.

i just like him so much but realize there isn't really intellectual compatibility. so i have that with mr. meetup. but just can't stand the annoying controlling thing.

it seems i will give up compatibility for liking someone. not that it matters. it's not like mr. NY will want to start dating me anyway. he is younger and here i am going kid-crazy. or lack of kid-crazy.

but there is something about just really liking someone and seeing them again that is so happy.

along that line, of course i realized i can neither live with nor without my cap. so i probably will see him again too, on his terms of course, because being a cap, those are the only terms there are. but like mr. NY, there is something very fundamental that i like about him. and - he makes me very happy.

so i don't know what to do but keep seeing the people that make me happy and keep hoping that i could get happy & someone my age in the same package, but that is seeming less and less likely.

what do you do. make hay while the sun shines.

which, because i live in the northeast never happens, any more than finding "a guy that i want to date who also wants to date me" does.

so saddened...

by the deaths of ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett and michael jackson. michael's nanny was my college class mate and friend on facebook, but she unfriended me, so i sent regards via a message. poor thing.

we weren't close, and i suspect i was not conservative enough for her tastes, but hopefully it was another reason. i don't know.

in any case, i had an odd thought today that i am getting a tiny little glimpse of what my 101 year old grandma felt like. she told me once when she was 100 years old probably, that nobody she grew up with or new when she was young was still alive, except for one friend. to watch a lifetime of people die, while you live must be a form of torture.

this is why god ordained that when sin entered the world, we should die. can you imagine living forever with sin and death? it is just awful. i know sometimes that when i am in a lot of pain and depressed that i don't want to live anymore, and i understand how welcome death is sometimes. so much so that you can now go to die in the state of michigan by choice.

and this is a blessing to some.

controller

well, i finally identified the annoying factor about mr. meetup.

sadly.

i so didn't want to find anything wrong with him. such good company he is! he came over last night & we made mac & cheese & watched the devil wears prada. he brought my favorite wine. we curled up with the cat. how else do you spell cozy & companionable?


and then he had to comment, twice, on whether or not i closed the windows when i turned the heat on. when i was in the process of closing them. and then he had to comment on was i going to let the mac & cheese cool when we brought it out of the oven.

HUH?

what am i, 5?

this is why i didn't get back with my ex last year, in part. the one who wanted to marry me. nothing i did was right. i didn't load my groceries in the back of the car right (yes, true, bad me), i left the 4th of july stuff in the bag on the kitchen floor for 2 days until the 4th, i didn't park in the right place when we were walking to the train.

deja vu.

so i will have to friend mr. meetup. sadly. available, emotionally compatible, whatever.

the last thing i can be is controlled. i have just decided - it is worse than being ignored. which i thought was the worst thing ever for me. no. control is.

dammit.

i also realized that when he was kissing me, he wasn't giving, he was taking. it just wasn't sexy. maybe i'm too used to seduction, not having been married & just going for it when you want. or maybe i'm used to guys giving. yes, that's it. i date givers. not takers.

again, dammit.

another one bites the dust.

legislative hearings & me

in other non-men-related news, my research has been used twice now for testimony in legislative hearings on capital hill. for two different topics...

the first time the lobbyist didn't give my company credit. but this time, my company and recent study were named.

very chuffed about that.

take 2

my sister, of all people, convinced me to give mr. meetup another try. so since i have no real reason not to, i've decided to take her advice and see, uh, how open he is to suggestion.

i know men don't like to be changed, but - i really want to be with an equal. at least in looks and posture.

so today i sent him an e-mail, saying i was shopping online yesterday and thought of you. this look would be really sexy on you. and i sent him of a picture of a way cool outfit from banana. we'll see what he says. if nothing, i know it's a closed subject. if he is open to it, i can work with this.

but really. i don't dress like a granola girl. i read vogue. and i don't dress like it, but i do try to incorporate current trends into my wardrobe. like neon. right now i'm looking for a neon wallet and i can't believe i can't find one! i also am trying to figure out how to incorporate the leggings look without buying all new shirts. hmmm. anyhow, i do make an effort to look sexy, professional and give a nod to passing fads. i need a guy who is classic sexy.

we'll see how he does with that.

nice vs. weak

i am having to let a "nice guy" go. because he is just annoying me. i mean really. i've thought more & talked to my mom about this, who interestingly enough, has recently had the same experience with a guy.

you wonder, why can't i like them! it would make so much sense to like them! but then - you don't.

i was pondering just now why women supposedly don't like nice guys. that's a myth actually. we do like nice guys.

the thing is, we don't like WEAK guys. and nice guys often don't want to offend us (even when we might need putting in our place) so they aren't even as strong as we are.

now here's the logic. if a guy can't even save me from myself, how will he protect me from anything else? yeah. that's it.

along that line i'm still trading texts with my cap. i sent him a drunk booty call text the other night & he was like i'm not going to drop everything with my friends & come over just cuz you want to...

which hurt my feelings. of course. but heck, it's not like i didn't see his point. why i continue to interact with him is a mystery but it proves my point. he's not nice sometimes, like i'd like him to be, but he's not mean either. he's just pointing out the obvious. and - he's not being weak. so even though i don't like his conclusion, i respect it.

so i guess it's all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i can't respect weak guys, nice or not.

hmmm

well i just got back from going out with mr. meetup again. and i'm super confused. and annoyed.

i can't put my finger on it, but something just really annoys me. well, i can identify a couple things but they don't seem concrete enough to create this high level of annoyance. sometimes it's just really hard to identify what you are feeling. and why.

but today, definitely, he morphed from a possibility to a friend in my head. i just don't see romantic involvement. and i'm not sure why.

he is good company, i can hang with him, he is nice & smart. he cares about me. i just don't know what it is. whatever IT is, i don't feel it.

i need to think some more. i will be away next weekend so i won't have the chance to meetup for a couple weeks again. by then i should know...

i feigned wanting to take a nap b/c i just wanted to get dropped off & be home by myself. on a saturday night. with no other plans.

uhoh, that doesn't sound too good.

new.s

well, the new guy just left. mr. meetup.

i spent the day with him, or the latter part of it. had a great time. check out johnnie on the side's near the garden, and damn, you should go. it's amazing. johnnie showed us all around the stuff - including a rug from the oval office et. al. (he says.) it's amazing. anyhow, it was a reggae brunch. & the sox game was playing on a screen behind the band. reggae & redsox. you can't beat that!

am just kind of in a warm fuzzy. we watched kungfu panda & were cozy & i'm all a bit warmed up inside.

it's a cold world out there & he makes me feel warmer. as we were watching the movie, the thought came to me that he is good company.

i think i'll more of him. i know he plans to see more of me. we'll see...

i like.

super bangable

apparently i looked hot today. i was. it was nearly 80.

but anyway, this really normal-looking-skeezy-acting guy was looking me up & down in the store. and up and down. then he started muttering under his breath about how cute she is. then he ended up muttering how he wanted to bang the s*** outta me.

okayyyyyyyy.

musta been the aviator shades.

heck. mr. NY said the same thing. but at least he didn't freak me out doing it, not being a complete fricken stranger & skeezeball.

of course

my cap now wants to talk. he didn't come back on his own of course. i asked him for directions somewhere. & then when he gasp actually got my message (his excuse for not meeting up most of the time) i texted a short & sexy 'splanation about what kind of raincheck i was looking for last weekend. duh. then he says he wants to talk. of course.

but about what, i can't imagine. i let him know that i didn't want a conversation like last time where i ended up crying.

i just can't seem to let him go. so maybe we'll just have a fwb while i date other guys. which is what we were doing before he got pissy with me.

he has never yet said happy birthday to me & here it is a month later. i think he doesn't care about me. which is what i said last weekend. he apparently wants to EXPLAIN how much he does. right. actions buddy, actions.

so did i tell you? last weekend was the one where 3 guys made me cry. 2 criticized me, and one just blew me off (my cap) to meet with his friends instead. i called my supercute and smart half-neice who said, the ones who criticized you just like you. they either can't get you or you won't go out with them so their ego is responding. yup. pretty much it, from the context.

then my cat attacked me. he was pissed that i brought him inside. i now am letting him out on his own & he is much more loving now.

anyway, it has been a very frustrating week. it's taken me all week long to get over the 3 men & a mean kitty.

last night went on 2nd date with new guy i'm not sure about. we'll call him mr. meetup, cuz he leads a meetup group in the area.

i like mr. meetup but i'm not sure. the good things are that we're intellectually compatible and i tended to go on and on a bit, which is unusual for me. his voice though, i dunno. i'm huge on voices. i love a sexy voice. something big about that.

we'll see. i'll def meet again. at this point the fact that i'm not sure is probably a sign there is potential, lol. guys that i'm attracted to seem to be, uh, not good guys. so there you have it.

why i'm truly single, lol.

my wedding vows

yes, i've written them early. just now in fact. so that when the time comes i'll have one less thing to do...

Groom, do you take Bride to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage so long as you both live near where you work?

Do you promise to do what she wants so she feels like you love her, comfort her when the Patriots or RedSox are not playing, honor her mother and her nasty cat, and keep her happy while getting richer (not poorer), in your sickness and her health. And forsaking all others that she knows about, keep up the appearance of being faithful only to her...

So long as you both shall happily live, or for the next 7 years, whichever comes first?

----------------------------------------------------

Bride, do you take Groom to be your wedded husband, to live together in marriage so long as you both live near where YOU work?

Do you promise to love him when he is being loving to you, comfort him when his sports teams lose, honor the in-laws and his big smelly dog, and keep him satisfied in bed whether he does the same for you or not, in better or in worse economic crises, even though you might be richer with alimony than poorer being married, in your sickness and his health. And forsaking most others, be faithful only to him as far as everyone knows...

So long as you both shall happily live, or for the next 7 years, whichever comes first?

new guy

so a poll for my readers. you can comment if you like.

so if you meet a new somebody, & something about them annoys you, does it

a) get better
b) go away

in this case, it's a super nice new guy, divorced, french-canadian from maine. seems to be smart, but just good laid off, poor guy. has a house. 40ish. good conversationalist.

except, isn't what i ususually date in a guy. not as masculine, very analytical. tends to analyze, rather than summarize. hard to explain.

so i'll try. so we show up at the restaurant. there is a wait so we go to the bar. the reason we went to this restaurant was so that we could have this particular european beer. that, and i love the restaurant. so the beer is not available. and he reads the menu. the beer menu. for a long time. a long time. a very long time. i mean we're interacting & all, but i'm like hmmm. ok.

i'm standing here, ready to talk. but he's not. so i remember what i am learning in the conferences about transition time. so i think, oh, he's still transitioning to being here. drinking whatever.

so he gets his beer & doesn't like it. he gets another beer later & doesn't like it. finally at the end of the night i decide for him that he DOESN'T like beer, so time to find something new. even if it is a girlie drink.

i guess i was just feeling a bit ignored. that, and i like a guy who knows what he wants. and doesn't settle & then complain about it. indecision is one of my traits. i don't seek it in a partner.

however, he is an analyst, like me. so there are two of us to analyze. hmmm.

so anyway, i had this first date with him (2nd time we've hung out) and i didn't come back energized. is that a bad sign? i mean i just think about being with my cap & i'm all happy & fulfilled even if we're not dating.

i'm not sure if it is being with someone new also. it just takes so much energy. answering questions. i hate answering questions. i like to just BE.

he sent me a sweet e-card at the end of the date...it was nice. i'm sure i'll see him again. he wants to go dancing but i don't really (???) i'd rather grab drinks again. i feel like much energy goes out and not much in.

is this just me being super picky? hmmm.

nothing to live for

what is there to live for when you come home alone every night?

i'm so lonely.

family

...has been in town. so i haven't really seen anyone lately...

miss my guys!!

and around we go

so of course i've decided to keep my cap in my life.

so he just wants to be fwb, oh well. i was better off dating other people anyway & keeping him as a backup.

there is something about him that just is adventurous. i don't know, i like. i don't ever know what's going to happen with him & it's really cool. & i'm ok with that.

he said he still wants to be friends. i was like, but only if you care about me. i mean, dude. and still, i will get upset if you don't call sometimes. how will you handle that.

he's so worried about how will i handle being friends. how will he handle being the type of friend that i want? that was my question back...

i'm still hearing from mr. 5-years ago. little flirtation here & there. mom is in town so not really seeing anyone. but hmmm. i just don't get that sense of adventure though with him.

i dunno. not so sure i can give that up. the jerk really was interesting to interact with all the time, you never knew what would happen next. obviously. lol. so maybe let's dial it down a bit from running off without warning, so my cap is that. on the other end is mr. 5-years ago. predictable in some ways.

i'm afraid of that. or afraid of getting bored with it. do i even want to date one guy? i'm thinking...

the conference this weekend was fantastic. it really put in my head a vision of what kind of loving relationship is possible. i mean people had stories of them being sick & guys helping them. i don't get sick. guys help me with my computer. no save the world thing. but hmmm. i'm missing out on a lot, so it sounds.

although, women do tend to tell the best & leave the worst out. except for me. i do it the other way around.

for example, i will tell you how upset my cap makes me when he just wants to be friends blah blah blah. but do i tell you how i yell at him out of the blue & this really upsets him? yup. that's a big problem with me & guys.

so my new goal is not to get really upset around them. it really turns them off. or i mean, not get really upset AT them.

ok, we'll see how well i do...

open space

there is this thing in the conferences i'm going to about creating space.

so excited.

now that my ex-cap didn't want that space he held in my heart, i can give it to someone else. or keep it for me.

i am so thankful. he freed up not only that space, but my guilt.

i realized, as i told him today in a text, i always blamed myself for us not getting along. now i realize that i will be able to get along with a guy that really loves me!

exhaling.

never make assumptions...

So I finally got it figured out. This is interesting because it shows the assumptions you make sometimes that are so far off!

I thought my cap didn't want to date me again because we didn't get along. So in my reasoning, if that improved, things might change. So I was focusing on getting along.

I didn't realize he didn't have feelings for me. In which case he has no interest in getting along!

Which is why we had a fight. He was trying to cut things off.

I had a thing on FB but took it down that said I finally realized when you're not getting along with someone but you're trying, it's because they don't want to.

Funny how you make assumptions & then find out you're all wrong!

done

well that's it.

the man that makes me happiest in the world - doesn't even want to date me.

how ironic.

he thinks f*ing, kissing, going out to dinner, movies, etc. all is fine if we are friends. but dating? no.

i have too many faults for that. which he didn't even want to go down the list over.

showing that indeed, there was a list.

where do i find these guys? i know them for years and all they see is my weaknesses.

i deleted him from facebook & made my myspace private.

that's the end.

biting tongue

i am biting my electronic tongue, trying not to write to my cap & just be like, ok, i'm turning 40 on friday, so i don't have any more time to waste. if nothing has changed since our discussion 2 years ago, let's not even have another one b/c i don't enjoy them.

then a million reasons of why i am still single flood into my head & i determine not to be a hatchet girl anymore.

what will happen when i'm 40? will life change? will i still NOT want to hang around him? right. i already don't not want to hang around him. in case your lost, this means I DO. so cutting off my nose to spite my face will, what?

clearly, he brings out a side of me or offers me something no one else does that makes all the hassle worthwhile. just saying i won't waste my time anymore on a going-nowhere relationship indicates that, well, i think i want to be doing something different. i'm not even sure what that is.

do i even want to settle down & date exclusively? i'm not sure. so why set it up so that i am doing that?

urgh. self-control 101.

step away from the keyboard...

moment of truth?

well, i've come back around to that spot i keep hitting with my cap.

he doesn't respond to my uh, hints, to meet up for, a day or so. then i get upset. and he gets annoyed that i get upset.

he responded to my upset e-mails by calling and asking what i want from him. (in a nice way, not justlikethat.)

i didn't have an answer. i don't think there is anything we can work out that is good for both of us. for starters, i said, i was hoping to find out if we can get along. well, said he, yeah, but that isn't looking good right now.

he kept asking me like how many times what i wanted from him, & finally i said i wanted more from him than just friends. my guess is he just wanted to hear it.

he actually sounded happy about that. & said we could talk more about it later on in the week.

so here we go again. maybe. through this cycle. i don't think there is any solution. but i'm curious at what will happen if we talk through it.

i don't even know what to say anymore. i just adore this guy. but he's not going to get into a relationship that would satisfy me. so i guess maybe i should just ask him back, so putting aside what i want for a minute, what is available to me?

my guess is, nothing. but interestingly enough, he has come back around again & is suggesting we have this conversation AGAIN. and seems happy to have it.

what it will bring, i don't know. i'm not going to give up anyone else i am dating, but if we could even get along, hmmm. it would be nice.

in my fantasies, we have a great relationship. i just don't see how to translate that to reality...and i've never dated someone so distant before, who hasn't even HAD a conversation like this with a woman. meaning, no woman has even asked him why he waits a day to respond to messages to him.

i am the first.

i love...

the comment by anonmyous to my previous post. thank you! i do deserve it! it's just so fricken complicated...here's how.

i spent most of yesterday with mr. 5-years ago. he's tall, good-looking, smart, sweet. we spent 9 hours straight together. & i didn't want him to go.

we furminated my kitty, lol, hopped in the car & drive down to faneuil hall, walked around & found a good place to eat down near the courthouse, had a drink & watched the redsox, & then went & had dinner & watched the redsox some more (i did. on my new company-sponsored blackberry.)

he is well-traveled, sweet, accomplished (an architect) and is a good dad to a couple kids.

he kissed me good night & i was ok about it. & i woke up this morning normal.

after he left, i fumed most of the night over my caps delayed text message to me. battery died, forgot to e-mail me back. only to wake up to an e-mail this morning in my gmail. as i pondered the little blue envelope (gmail notifier) when i was opening the e-mail, i thought to self, it would be nice to hear from my cap. but that wouldn't happen.

it did. he was asking if i wanted to do brunch, let him know. i already have brunch plans. part of my new plan-my-weekend life which is doing wonderful things for me. including the need to up my cell-phone plan b/c i went 300 texts over limit, last month.

so my dilemma is this.

mr. 5-years ago who i will now call my architect (who is a very good and successful one, btw) is very sweet. he fills an emotional need for me.

my cap, makes me happy. deep down inside. i have never ever experienced anything like this. my mother has been dating a guy that does the same thing for her. has been, as they insist they can't be together because of their strong religious beliefs. but she met the first guy in her life that makes her super super happy - at 78. i did way before that...

also, i have known my cap for years. and my architect, not for long. i liked my cap from the second i met him, and have never stopped. he has seen me at my worst during both our first AND second rounds of dating, and been sweet to me every moment. he is a good family man, and is rock-solid in terms of dependability. he is super sexy and just - what can i say. he calms me down & fills me up at the same time. emotionally, he fills my soul.

actually there is no dilemma. i should do nothing & keep seeing them both. my architect lives out of town & my cap doesn't. so things can work out perfectly. i don't really think i want to be exclusive right now anyway because i just actually don't think i can have it all & i don't know what to do about that.

so this is the new post-jerk me. not wanting to watch my dreams of having a family & kid, which i might be able to have with my architect, fall down the drain. but knowing that giving up something in life that is fulfilling me (my cap) in favor of of something i don't even have yet or might never have or might not like it if i have it, isn't a good trade off.

happiness is fleeting for me. i didn't grow up a happy person. i was shy. and then after my dad left, i lost my world. so i essentially have felt homeless since i was 14. i've done the "right thing" for so many years that i now tend to do the opposite just to see what will happen. unless there is a moral issue involved.

now i have a sweet guy who is giving me temporary happiness, and one who may offer long-term happiness. i'm actually not inclined to give up either, but if i have to, i'm not sure i could give up someone that i wake up smiling in the morning AFTER i see them. those are the types of guys i'd wish i were having an affair with if i WERE committed.

one of the reasons i am still single is because i firmly believe that if you settle down with someone that is cool, and meet someone who is hot, you will then want to have an affair with mr. hot. that is just what happened to a co-worker of mine, who finally married her ho-hum boyfriend of 5 years or so who she never had anything good to say about, and then met the love of her life 3 months later. she is now getting divorced, a good thing. she told me don't get married. (let me just say about the new guy she met, i had a crush on him also when i first met him. he is just super-awesome, smart, nice, and well, seems like the perfect guy. so when i say hot, i mean, got it ALL going on.)

i can't wait to attend the seminar on men & marraige by understandmen.com. it will help me finally and forever resolve this pressure to take on this commitment that appears to me to be binding and archaic, unless of course, i have many things to gain from it. i see women gaining very little from marraige, and i am not convinved (admits i for the first time ever) that it is for me. kids, yes. kids is the part that is devestating to not have. i think. (breathes in bird-song-filled air on a quiet sunday morning drinking coffee with cat.) certainly i am content with my life and my decisions.

content. my architect.

but happy. my cap.

how important is happy? i gotta tell you, right now, for me, it is everything.

is that so short-sighted?

the horror

ok, well, in this case, it's the fear, but i like that quote from the former pets.com sock puppet. you didn't know this but i used to run his online fan club. yes i did. for years. people loved the sock.

anyway.

so i wrote my cap last night asking what his weekend was looking like & haven't heard back yet. that's an eternity in my head, a second in his. (from last night until now.) this is the part where it's hard to keep my self-confidence up. this is hte problem we ran into when we were dating.

i wanted to see him. he wanted to be at the funnest place possible. which meant with all his friends. out.

hence the reason we stopped dating.

i was ok with this, well, until i start getting addicted or attached to him. he doesn't have this happen regarding me so it's all one-sided. & here i am wondering when i'll see him again.

i don't like this part of the open relationship thing. i don't like the not knowing. but it is also the most attractive part of the relationship to. the not knowing. it makes things interesting. keeps things interesting.

that hardest part of relating to a guy is keeping up your confidence. alison armstrong writes about this & it's so true. when men & women date, it's not the guy that changes (the most) it's the woman. we get clingy, why don't you love me, why don't you call me. the girl the guy THOUGHT he was bringing home was a bubbly confident f*you type who didn't need him to choose every adverb for her, & now there she is bawling on the floor because he watches a little round ball being thrown around too long & doesn't love her anymore.

sigh.

well, i have stuff going on. mr. 5-years ago is going to stop by today. tonite i could do 2 or 3 different things, including meet up with the bachlorette b*, but i dunno. i might just chill at home. we'll see...gotta be a vin diesel movie out there i haven't seen yet.

i went to a meet & mix thing last night & met a new guy. he's a software engineer, seems sweet. but every sad. i'm not sure just cuz it was laid off. i don't think i can deal with sad guys.

one thing about my cap is that he might not be around all that much but he doesn't have a current of anger or sadness running through his veins that depresses me. i have too much sadness of my own to want any more...

waves back to princess b!

it's not supposed to be this way!

i seem to live outside the realm of normality.

i'm currently very happy with a non-traditional is-it-a-relationship? & it's all wrong. it's just not right.

but i'm super happy.

last night i hung out with mr. busy, who i'm going to now start calling my cap. as in capricorn. i don't wear him on my head.

and i am super happy today. did i say that already? he has that effect on me. always has, but it's getting worse. or better.

thing is, we didn't do anything! we drove around trying to find a place to eat, finally had some eh food & watched the red sox. then went back to my place & laid on the couch & i fell asleep while he watched tv.

that was it.

it.

nothing else.

& i'm happy as a clam.

what is it about this guy? i woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & went, wow, you're like super happy. so i wrote to him, saying how happy i was. what was he doing, drugging me? whatever it was, keep it up. lol.

so on the way to work i grab why men love bi*ches & read it. nothing applies. i mean about him. we don't have a relationship. i don't think we're headed there. he's happiest when he's off when other people on weekends & i'm not doing so bad myself seeing other people too.

but he makes me the happiest of anyone in my life & i think anyone i've ever dated. & we do nothing!

in fact, we don't even really have any meaningful conversation. it's just hang out & relax & chill.

i'm so fricken confused.

but happy.

go figure.

mr. busy

i've been seeing mr. busy (my cap) again. along with mr. 5-years-ago. in fact on sunday night i saw them both.

i kissed 2 boys & i liked it.

actually, i more like attacked mr. busy. which he was super happy about. thanks for the "dinner," said i. no, thank YOU. said he.

mr. busy is busy living up to his moniker. i asked him if he wanted to do dinner the other night (for real). he was busy getting ready he said. i texted, you around this weekend? thinking what is he getting ready for? sure enough he sends me back an e-mail today with a list of all the people he is meeting & things he is doing so that he won't have time until mid-next week to see me.

hence mr. busy.

in an interestingly-insightful move, i realize this is why i like mr. busy so much. he likes people. rather, he loves people.

on our first date i asked him to tell me about himself. first words out of his mouth - i really like people.

so tonite i write him back that i remember this, and that is one of the coolest things about him. i'm sure he'll be jaw-droppingly-shocked, as before when we dated i was whiney about why don't you want to see me. his little litany of appointments is his way of telling me it's not that i don't want to see you...(i do tend sometimes to regress to the comment about being last on his agenda, which he denies.) since we're not dating & he has no reason to need to explain his whereabouts to me, he is telling me to make sure i really know i'm not last - he isn't blowing me off.

i look forward to seeing you again when you have time, says i.

i wonder what he will do when i tell him how much i like it that he likes other people.

the coolest thing about people that don't blow off people to see you, is that they don't blow you off either. mr. busy has never once let me down when he said he'd meet up. he could also be called mr. dependable, which is one reason, in spite of all the things that we don't have in common (as he rightly pointed out last time we dated), i keep coming back to try to get on his agenda. well, that & his "dinners." ;)

i'm noticing lately too that mr. busy doesn't want to leave when he comes over. & offers me to stay long when i visit him. which i refuse, being tired & all, but especially knowing that hanging around too long was one thing that made our previous relationship lose steam. but regardless, i am curious about this new little event. two times doesn't make a trend (knows i, from my job) yet - changes in behavior do show something. different.

so anyhow, to point out the obvious moral of the story: similar to when i never heard from the jerk the day after he said all his dates had been "what was her name again?" when people tell you things about themselves: LISTEN.

people don't change

about a year after not seeing the bachelorette bi*ch (remember how she didn't want me in her wedding? and my friend/turned her friend not to go?) i decided to text & say hello. in the spirit of reconciliation, which seems to be permeating my life. since she has been looking at my myspace page nearly every week it seems during this time (yea trackers) it seemed like she might want to work something out.

so i do. and eventually, after a few weeks of texts, we talk. last night she called. (i guess mr. busy called her & they prob talked about me, since i told her i'm seeing him again.)(i met him through her.)

and i remembered why we aren't friends. it didn't take her long to call one of my friends wierd - actually the one that i just met up with in vegas, from la. and to question if my friend/turned her friend really had a baby with that same guy, and yes it's still a complicated situation, relationship-wise. but everyone knows everything & they are all ok with it so whatever.

this morning i wrote her, that to follow up on her comments in the broadest sense, yes, me and my friends were still wierd. but we were very happy. with our wierdness. smiley. she wrote back i don't know what you're talking about. so i mentioned the part about mr. la. it was about him not meeting up with me when he said. i deserve better than that, she responds smiley.

i respond, oh you mean the time one of his (small plane) engines died & he almost crashed & couldn't make it? yes, we're still friends. in fact this time my compulsively-lying co-worker really screwed him over after he lost his wallet, after he came over from LA to show us a good time. poor guy.

b*.

sigh.

oh, so she did tell me about her wedding. 3 sentences. oh, we got married on the beach. it went well. married life is about the same as before.

to which i roll my eyes, remembering how she wanted to hook up with mr. NY. the night of her bachelorette party. who told me that himself, he knew it. and i hear her tell me that this guy she met on the islands & went to see when she was still single is now married & has been calling her ever since wanting to meet up.

so anyhow, in spite of her married bliss, i think, well, if this is the extent of the explanation about why i wasn't in her wedding, we just weren't gonna be able to work anything out.

i had lunch today with my former hip-hop teacher & a friend that did my hip-hop showcase with me. that was a blast. i told them about ms. bi*ch & they both said you know, you should kill her with kindness. she is so unhappy. just be like, oh that's awesome! i'm so happy for you...blah blah blah.

yes. some people don't change.

but clearly, we hip-hop girls do - so mature and wise. whatever happened to us. i guess all the bitchy got hopped out of us.

whatever happened, i'm lovin' it.

the d word

i don't even know where to start. the drama.

well, i guess the most relevant thing is that mr. ny moved here & then immediately started dating a girl from NY who is moving here soon. so he is out of the picture. i find this out after more than a month of him not meeting up with me. clearly he wants to keep me around in case she doesn't work out. this should be interesting.

i really don't know what i think about him anymore. my friends tell me he is toxic & all i do is complain about him, but he has filled a spot in my life & i really liked him. when he is nice. surprisingly, i cried for a while when he told me this. i guess i liked him more than i thought.

that's the biggest new thing in terms of guys that shook my world.

in other news, my aunt had a surgery & 2 strokes & then died, my mom had surgery, i went to las vegas with a treacherous co-worker who made mega-fights between me & mr. la, my long-time lawyer friend. we have got that straightened out but only after much emotional expense.

i'm so emotionally exhausted i really can't even recount it. but that is what's going on. when i have more energy to analyze things more, i will be back.

of course in a reactionary move i asked mr. (gee i forget what i call these guys) busy what was wrong with me that guys didn't want to date me, only screw around. he wisely didn't respond to any of those questions. & i said i probably shouldn't see him again either so i didn't lose him too, then i changed my mind. we'll see if he ever responds again, lol. he wisely just disappears when i turn too radical, which means there is never any drama with him.

oh, and the former co-worker who showed up to apologize then abruptly told me he was done with me??? and then changed his mind saying he didn't mean it. a couple kisses later he really didn't mean it, but i couldn't let it go so i backtracked it to friends letting him know that was an ass thing to say & i couldn't ignore it.

why i even try to be friends with these guys i don't know. what is there in me that can't let go?

my new resolution is to stop contacting them all & see who comes back.

right. i will try that now. good luck me...

spring cleaning

i am taking a few guys out of my phone.

again.

mr. busy, gone.
mr. ny (now moved here), gone. along with an e-mail that he hurt my feelings by not wanting to meet up WTF.
mr. jack is back. gone.

these guys. urgh.

they will never be what i want or can deal with. i am very back & forth with them.

urgh. myself.

i'm done with you

last night i met up with the guy who i dated 5 years ago, who was getting divorced & ultimately left b/c he wasn't ready for a new r-ship.

i met him & was somewhat surprised i guess that he'd gained a little weight. i wasn't blown away, but he is attractive and articulate and i had fun talking with him.

so we talked for about 3 hours, over a couple drinks & a great dinner. then we were talking & the conversation took an interesting turn. he started to talk like nice to see you, hope the best for you, etc. & then at some point he blurted out in his normal but strange way, "i'm done with you."

i was somewhat surprised by the statement b/c hey, who says this. anyhow. i was like, uh, okayyyyy, in an unsure but whatever way. & then he said, "wait, no i'm not done with you."

so he then tried to backtrack.

we got out to the car & he is telling me he is taking it back. this whole statement was right after i got done telling him that people tell you outright what they think & if you just listen, you'll know. so then he says this not 5 minutes later.

so he wants to kiss me goodnight & i do. it's ok, not crazy but nice. somewhat i remember him being before. & says he'll call. so we get in cars.

& i call mr. busy. who is tired from a ski trip & doesn't want to meet up but chats for a while.

anyhow. why am i far more interested in mr. busy. ugh.

but what is really interesting is that - i don't know what to make of this. i don't like to ignore statements like that, b/c at the least, i think they show a certain level of conflict in feelings about me. at the worst, he means it. at the best, it means - well, that he says stupid stuff.

so i'm not sure if i should just try to ignore it or say i think you probably actually meant that.

hmmm.

me=sex

well, i had a fantastic, life-changing experience at the seminar.

finally. to realize men don't just love sex, they love sex with US.

and most important -

i am the origin and source of my sexuality.

wow that is profound. now i don't have to go looking everywhere for it!

hmmm. will ponder these things & think upon them...while slowly undressing...

men & sex

well, i'm off this weekend to another conference by alison armstrong on men & sex. being from a family where historically this is a BIG problem, i hope it will cure me & i will have great sex forever more. ok, or at least think differently about men & sex. ;)

luckily i have some folks to practice what i learn on. the hard part, as a woman, as you know, is 1) finding a guy that cares what you want, 2) is good enough for you to care that he cares, and then 3) learning to tell him. getting this trifecta together is a shocking occurrence. then getting it together in a package as nice as the jerk was before he became the jerk, yeah, doesn't happen. you can't have it all.

either you have

- great sex with a hot guy & no relationship or

- a relationship with a not hot guy with great sex

- or a hot guy with a relationship & no sex.

does it ever all line up? hmmm...

post-doc

well, i'm back in the swing of things again.

this weekend i finally realized i have friends. this is - because i am doing favors for them & going to listen to them talk when they are upset. you don't do these things when you have no friends. i know this from the fact that i am telling you about it. so it's cool. i finally have a network. in real life, not just online.

online i continue to communicate with folks as well. and that is very healing to my wounded spirit. i get a lot of support from my friends in far-away places that send close-up hugz. it's nice.

last night i met up with mr. busy again. i really need a new name for him, but such as he is. he's pretty much busy partying & what not but whatever. that's his life. rich-kid syndrome. we met for dinner & um, you know. other fun things that follow dinner. ;) we had so much fun that his roomate came out to see who was making all the noise. i have pretty much realized that mr. busy isn't going anywhere. he is around to stay. that means i don't have to freak out, contact him all the time, wonder what he's doing.

he'll be back.

ah. the relief. this is JUST what i need right now. a solid guy who won't leave. without saying goodbye. or rather, just. won't. leave.

(plus did i say how sexy he is!)

sometimes god works in mysterious ways...

ta-da. mystery solved

my e-mail exchange with the jerk's friend:

Hi Jerk's Friend,

How are things?!

It sounded like Jerk and you were good friends. I met him in December & we dated for 2 months. He was calling every day & came to Boston to visit. Then we went to Florida Feb 14 weekend.

The night we got back was the last I heard from him. Is he ok? I can't get through to him even when I was out in his area last weekend. No response to anything.

Is this usual for him? Does he come back later & talk to girls again? I'm very confused...I would have at least liked to say goodbye.

Seeing-Single


Hi Single, so sorry to get your email. i wish i could defend the Jerk, but sadly, this is quite normal for him. he is 42...dated around a fair bit, yet never been even close to getting married. so, that by itself says something about his ability to commit. the closer he gets to someone the faster he seems to cut it off. my wife and ....i hope he does respond to you and you at least get a chance to talk. i will ask him if you would like. let me know. sorry again.

Not The Jerk

"wasn't me!"

i finally e-mailed the jerk's friend (my former classmate) & heard back.

oh the relief.

this is what he does!

more on that later...

but he's so cute...

they say the biggest failing of taurus' is our inability to let go of beautiful people. it's true. i can't seem to fathom the idea that a cute guy has no relationship skills.

i mean he's so cute & accomplished. how can he be such a failure at getting along with people (romantically)? i think to myself.

well, that's my version of romance at least. sticking around.

his is apparently - getting action & running. his being, well, all the guys i date on&off right now.

what is it about my head that i can't get it thru my bull-ish brain that cute guys are just what they are?

wallpaper. adorning my life but providing no value whatsoever. unless proven otherwise...

the happy wanderer

on my way to work this morning this guy on the street asked for a dollar to get something to eat. i declined as i didn't think i had one.

so i felt bad & decided to go back to offer him something.

i said, would you like me to buy you breakfast? & i pointed to Qdobas.

he looked away, & said, nah, i don't like that kind of food.

i started laughing & said, but of course.