today's topic:
happiness is...
great SECOND dates.
go sox. yankees suck. (well, we all know that is BS...)!
September 05, 2003
September 01, 2003
today's post: meeting a woman's needs
i think this is a hard topic for men. it's also hard for women. first, women have to admit to themselves that they have the right to have their needs met. [this may takes years and years to happen, or it may never happen. guys if she thinks she deserves to have her needs met, you've met an enlightened woman who's evolved past the 1950s. be proud of your brand new model!] then women need to figure out what these needs are. then, we need to educate men about what they are in a way that's not going to drive the man away.
most men (as i understand it) don't like to be educated. they think they should know what a woman needs and be able to provide it without being told. what they forget is that every woman is different. and it's not about them being inadequate, it's about them accomodating what this particular woman actually needs to be happy.
i used to have a boyfriend that loved to detail my car. that was nice. it was an old car and sure loved the attention. the problem was, i wanted that attention. and i wanted that time. he would tell me "i love you. i just detailed your car for you." (well, not in those exact words, but that was the intent.) i would say, "that's nice. i love you too. i want you to hug me though and tell me you love me. that's what i need. i don't need you to detail my car, though you can do that too if you want." did he walk right over and give me that hug i had just asked for? no. he didn't get it. i think that's one reason why i didn't marry him. i cleary said giving me a hug is more important than detailing my car. i need the attention more than i need my car cleaned. but he didn't listen. if he didn't listen about that, what other things would he ignore?
telling a guy what you need is very very difficult. it's incredibly difficult to figure it out yourself. because it's a deceiving process. you may think you need him to not go out with his friends and stay home with you -- when really it's not about his friends at all, it's about you not getting enough attention at other times. so you have to figure out what you really want.
once you have figured it out, you have to get up the guts to express it. things that are really important to you are the hardest to express, even to yourself. let alone someone else who may call you nuts, say "this is not what i bargained for" or reject you outright. it's much easier to maintain the status quo and continue to ignore your needs than to risk the exposure of trying to have them met. but if you're going to have a relationship without resentment, you have to do so. after all, he'll have no idea why you are so resentful, he won't have had a chance to fix anything because he didn't know what was wrong, and your relationship will bust apart at the seams. it may anyway if he doesn't want to meet your newly expressed needs. he may say "gee, ya got along ok for the past x years like this, why do you have to go and change things now? i don't want to change. i'm outta here..."
anyhow, supposing you try anyhow, you have to try to tell him without making him feel inadequate. since probably he feels this way anyway when it comes to your needs, this is a hard one. you have to make the point that "it's not that you're not doing anything to meet my needs. i know you are trying. (assuming you do know!) but here's how to make your life easier...instead of wasting lots of energy in doing xyz that i don't care about, can you shift your attention to abc. that is what i need more."
i consider any guy i'm involved with who modifies his behavior according to my request to be someone who is interested in meeting my needs. as long as he does what i ask him in response to my own needs, i assume there is still hope for some kind of relationship. even if i ask him to back off for a while, and he does that because i want it, i take that as "he likes me, he's trying." as long as there is change there is hope.
it's when there's no more change and no accomodation that i throw the baby out with the bathwater, the conditioner, the shampoo, all the towels and the kitchen sink...
i think this is a hard topic for men. it's also hard for women. first, women have to admit to themselves that they have the right to have their needs met. [this may takes years and years to happen, or it may never happen. guys if she thinks she deserves to have her needs met, you've met an enlightened woman who's evolved past the 1950s. be proud of your brand new model!] then women need to figure out what these needs are. then, we need to educate men about what they are in a way that's not going to drive the man away.
most men (as i understand it) don't like to be educated. they think they should know what a woman needs and be able to provide it without being told. what they forget is that every woman is different. and it's not about them being inadequate, it's about them accomodating what this particular woman actually needs to be happy.
i used to have a boyfriend that loved to detail my car. that was nice. it was an old car and sure loved the attention. the problem was, i wanted that attention. and i wanted that time. he would tell me "i love you. i just detailed your car for you." (well, not in those exact words, but that was the intent.) i would say, "that's nice. i love you too. i want you to hug me though and tell me you love me. that's what i need. i don't need you to detail my car, though you can do that too if you want." did he walk right over and give me that hug i had just asked for? no. he didn't get it. i think that's one reason why i didn't marry him. i cleary said giving me a hug is more important than detailing my car. i need the attention more than i need my car cleaned. but he didn't listen. if he didn't listen about that, what other things would he ignore?
telling a guy what you need is very very difficult. it's incredibly difficult to figure it out yourself. because it's a deceiving process. you may think you need him to not go out with his friends and stay home with you -- when really it's not about his friends at all, it's about you not getting enough attention at other times. so you have to figure out what you really want.
once you have figured it out, you have to get up the guts to express it. things that are really important to you are the hardest to express, even to yourself. let alone someone else who may call you nuts, say "this is not what i bargained for" or reject you outright. it's much easier to maintain the status quo and continue to ignore your needs than to risk the exposure of trying to have them met. but if you're going to have a relationship without resentment, you have to do so. after all, he'll have no idea why you are so resentful, he won't have had a chance to fix anything because he didn't know what was wrong, and your relationship will bust apart at the seams. it may anyway if he doesn't want to meet your newly expressed needs. he may say "gee, ya got along ok for the past x years like this, why do you have to go and change things now? i don't want to change. i'm outta here..."
anyhow, supposing you try anyhow, you have to try to tell him without making him feel inadequate. since probably he feels this way anyway when it comes to your needs, this is a hard one. you have to make the point that "it's not that you're not doing anything to meet my needs. i know you are trying. (assuming you do know!) but here's how to make your life easier...instead of wasting lots of energy in doing xyz that i don't care about, can you shift your attention to abc. that is what i need more."
i consider any guy i'm involved with who modifies his behavior according to my request to be someone who is interested in meeting my needs. as long as he does what i ask him in response to my own needs, i assume there is still hope for some kind of relationship. even if i ask him to back off for a while, and he does that because i want it, i take that as "he likes me, he's trying." as long as there is change there is hope.
it's when there's no more change and no accomodation that i throw the baby out with the bathwater, the conditioner, the shampoo, all the towels and the kitchen sink...
August 29, 2003
today's post: what women want
LYN'S LIST OF WHAT WOMEN WANT
1. we want you to want us
2. we want to know that you want us!
3. we want you to master application of #1&2 above. trust us, there's other guys always doing it really, really well.
4. we want you to listen
5. we want you to talk
6. we want you to understand & empathize
7. if you can't do #6, we want you to at least do #4.
8. we want you to go out with your friends.
9. we want one of your t-shirts to sleep in with your cologne sprayed all over it
10. we want you to notice anything we do different -- hair, makeup, lipstick, clothes. just look at us often. you'll notice.
11. we want you to be able to fix things. be an expert in something. home repairs, computers, cars, us. just pick one.
12. we want to be proud of you. we want to show you off to other women and brag about you.
13. we want you to be great in that one thing that we love in bed.
14. we want you to be a heap-big success. no matter what you do. as long as your happy & do it well.
15. we want you to hide it when you look at other women.
16. we want to know what your favorite meal is and how to fix it.
17. we want you to hug us when we're angry at you.
18. we want you to tell us when something we do annoys you so we can stop doing it.
19. sometimes we just want to rip all your clothes off and see what happens next.
20. we want to know we got you, but all those other girls want you too.
LYN'S LIST OF WHAT WOMEN WANT
1. we want you to want us
2. we want to know that you want us!
3. we want you to master application of #1&2 above. trust us, there's other guys always doing it really, really well.
4. we want you to listen
5. we want you to talk
6. we want you to understand & empathize
7. if you can't do #6, we want you to at least do #4.
8. we want you to go out with your friends.
9. we want one of your t-shirts to sleep in with your cologne sprayed all over it
10. we want you to notice anything we do different -- hair, makeup, lipstick, clothes. just look at us often. you'll notice.
11. we want you to be able to fix things. be an expert in something. home repairs, computers, cars, us. just pick one.
12. we want to be proud of you. we want to show you off to other women and brag about you.
13. we want you to be great in that one thing that we love in bed.
14. we want you to be a heap-big success. no matter what you do. as long as your happy & do it well.
15. we want you to hide it when you look at other women.
16. we want to know what your favorite meal is and how to fix it.
17. we want you to hug us when we're angry at you.
18. we want you to tell us when something we do annoys you so we can stop doing it.
19. sometimes we just want to rip all your clothes off and see what happens next.
20. we want to know we got you, but all those other girls want you too.
today's post: not counting chickens
when women are dating new guys it's hard not to let our friends count our chickens before they hatch. while our girlfriends are busy seeing if his last name sounds good on us, we're busy trying to keep some perspective.
and it's not too hard to protect ourselves. it's harder to remain open-minded sometimes. guys, when you read that during a date the girl is thinking "i hope he's not a jerk like all the others" while you're thinking "i just hope i have fun", it's so true. we girls look at every new guy we date as guilty until proven innocent. sorry, but that's the way it is.
sometimes we forget our initial mantra & then we just get in trouble because let's face it -- you're not always nice to us. you are testing us too sometimes to see how much b.s. we'll take. and that really sucks.
oh well, here's to eggs, and looking forward to omelettes if you turn out to be a jerk after all.
when women are dating new guys it's hard not to let our friends count our chickens before they hatch. while our girlfriends are busy seeing if his last name sounds good on us, we're busy trying to keep some perspective.
and it's not too hard to protect ourselves. it's harder to remain open-minded sometimes. guys, when you read that during a date the girl is thinking "i hope he's not a jerk like all the others" while you're thinking "i just hope i have fun", it's so true. we girls look at every new guy we date as guilty until proven innocent. sorry, but that's the way it is.
sometimes we forget our initial mantra & then we just get in trouble because let's face it -- you're not always nice to us. you are testing us too sometimes to see how much b.s. we'll take. and that really sucks.
oh well, here's to eggs, and looking forward to omelettes if you turn out to be a jerk after all.
August 26, 2003
today's other post: ugh
when you're single, your girlfriends are really important. because you don't have a s.o. (no b. at the end. or wait, is there?) to talk to about all the annoying big and little things in your life, you really rely on your girlfriends to take up the slack.
so it totally sucks when they become the topics of your bitch and moan conversations that they are supposed to be HEARING, not starring in.
it's just wrong when your friend? gets really angry at you for some little thing you are perceived to have done or not done, yells at you in public when you ask why she is angry at you, during the apology conversation -- in which she started out apologizing -- then blames you for everything from not doing exactly what she wanted in the first place, to using the wrong words to say no, to "making" her yell by asking her what was wrong at the wrong time. then trying to make you look bad later by twisting the story when other people ask what happened.
you could almost chalk the whole experience up to a "bad day" -- until it becomes like a drunk energizer bunny.
this kind of thing absolutely unexplainable thing makes any trouble with men look really really simple. thank god i date men. i've always wondered how lesbians got along at all -- let alone with pms.
now maybe i know.
when you're single, your girlfriends are really important. because you don't have a s.o. (no b. at the end. or wait, is there?) to talk to about all the annoying big and little things in your life, you really rely on your girlfriends to take up the slack.
so it totally sucks when they become the topics of your bitch and moan conversations that they are supposed to be HEARING, not starring in.
it's just wrong when your friend? gets really angry at you for some little thing you are perceived to have done or not done, yells at you in public when you ask why she is angry at you, during the apology conversation -- in which she started out apologizing -- then blames you for everything from not doing exactly what she wanted in the first place, to using the wrong words to say no, to "making" her yell by asking her what was wrong at the wrong time. then trying to make you look bad later by twisting the story when other people ask what happened.
you could almost chalk the whole experience up to a "bad day" -- until it becomes like a drunk energizer bunny.
this kind of thing absolutely unexplainable thing makes any trouble with men look really really simple. thank god i date men. i've always wondered how lesbians got along at all -- let alone with pms.
now maybe i know.
August 25, 2003
today's post: it's all in a name
if you never want to get a date again, enter your name into the form at this website -- Kabalarian Philosophy -- and tell all your dates how wonderful you sounded. by the way, i am definitely a josephine, not a lynette. ;)
this is great. now i have yet another method to categorize my dates. not the right sign? oops, we're not compatible. the right sign? ooops, you don't sound so good in kabalarian lingo.
right. works for me!
if you never want to get a date again, enter your name into the form at this website -- Kabalarian Philosophy -- and tell all your dates how wonderful you sounded. by the way, i am definitely a josephine, not a lynette. ;)
this is great. now i have yet another method to categorize my dates. not the right sign? oops, we're not compatible. the right sign? ooops, you don't sound so good in kabalarian lingo.
right. works for me!
August 24, 2003
today's post:
help wanted:
smart, blond, swf with perfect driving record and with love of LA freeways seeks cute, dependable swm driver with love of boston freeways. driver must be able to pick the lane least taken on a consistent basis while not killing off passengers. swf willing to rub shoulders, feed driver (with fresh home-baked bread mmmmm), pick music, control air conditioner, talk on cell phone, operate windows, read maps, stop and ask for directions, pay for tolls, and buy coffee for said driver.
;) hee hee.
help wanted:
smart, blond, swf with perfect driving record and with love of LA freeways seeks cute, dependable swm driver with love of boston freeways. driver must be able to pick the lane least taken on a consistent basis while not killing off passengers. swf willing to rub shoulders, feed driver (with fresh home-baked bread mmmmm), pick music, control air conditioner, talk on cell phone, operate windows, read maps, stop and ask for directions, pay for tolls, and buy coffee for said driver.
;) hee hee.
August 21, 2003
today's post: get married already
the world discriminates against unmarried women. no really. it does.
men love to flirt with them in the real world but in business they will deny them promotions, packages, jobs and other benefits just based on their marital status. (i have a friend in dallas with this problem.)
women love to hate them because their men love to flirt with them. then they like to look down on them because they think we haven't been "chosen" yet. and they like to flaunt their men like new clothes. all forgetting we might have "not chosen" to be with people we didn't think would make us happy over the long haul. (i could have gotten married at least once already, perhaps moreif i'd wanted to. but clearly -- i didn't.)
so clearly, everyone dislikes single women. it's a pretty strong message: get married already. for those of us who have passed it up so far, sometimes life pretty much sucks. there's this undercurrent sucking you in and lashing out at you. very hard to avoid and harder to ignore.
maybe i should become a single man instead...
the world discriminates against unmarried women. no really. it does.
men love to flirt with them in the real world but in business they will deny them promotions, packages, jobs and other benefits just based on their marital status. (i have a friend in dallas with this problem.)
women love to hate them because their men love to flirt with them. then they like to look down on them because they think we haven't been "chosen" yet. and they like to flaunt their men like new clothes. all forgetting we might have "not chosen" to be with people we didn't think would make us happy over the long haul. (i could have gotten married at least once already, perhaps moreif i'd wanted to. but clearly -- i didn't.)
so clearly, everyone dislikes single women. it's a pretty strong message: get married already. for those of us who have passed it up so far, sometimes life pretty much sucks. there's this undercurrent sucking you in and lashing out at you. very hard to avoid and harder to ignore.
maybe i should become a single man instead...
August 14, 2003
today's post: exes
no matter how much you try to get along with people, there are those people you just can't get along with. exes definitely fall into this category. somehow, if you interact, once you start hurting each other or getting hurt, it just doesn't seem to stop. no matter how hard you try. which is no doubt why you're exes in the first place.
i guess sometimes one just has to throw in the towel and crawl under a rock. or one could take the towel with them under the rock to wipe off the sweat. but sometimes you just have to say: i give up.
you hurt me once. you keep doing it. i hurt you back. let's stop.
but then you look at them & they look at you & you both say to yourselves, damn, you're so hot. and somewhere the towel and the rock have to keep each other company without you...
no matter how much you try to get along with people, there are those people you just can't get along with. exes definitely fall into this category. somehow, if you interact, once you start hurting each other or getting hurt, it just doesn't seem to stop. no matter how hard you try. which is no doubt why you're exes in the first place.
i guess sometimes one just has to throw in the towel and crawl under a rock. or one could take the towel with them under the rock to wipe off the sweat. but sometimes you just have to say: i give up.
you hurt me once. you keep doing it. i hurt you back. let's stop.
but then you look at them & they look at you & you both say to yourselves, damn, you're so hot. and somewhere the towel and the rock have to keep each other company without you...
August 04, 2003
today's post: nothing
short of dating yourself, the only better thing is to have a great date with another person. and oddly enough, while i always have something to write about my bad dates, i have nothing to say about the really good ones. (that's why this, what i'm saying right now, is appropriately titled "nothing")
now why is that? well, perhaps because being happy is just so much less interesting to read and write about than being annoyed. i can't come up with pithy one-liners, be punchy or sarcastic, or state random but commonly-held assumptions and tout them as fact.
then there's the possibility of jinxing good things by talking about them, similar to my familiar jinx of my relationships by framing pictures of us. (wanna kill your relationship fast? put a little piece of wood around a photo of you, or one of you and him. and bingo, the jealous relationship gods will decree that the TIME has come.)
there's also the sort of internal awe that one experiences when there is a lack of conflict and abundance of common interests. it's sort of a hmmm, what is this thing called compatibility?
darned if i know. better that i don't. i'd likely wreck it.
short of dating yourself, the only better thing is to have a great date with another person. and oddly enough, while i always have something to write about my bad dates, i have nothing to say about the really good ones. (that's why this, what i'm saying right now, is appropriately titled "nothing")
now why is that? well, perhaps because being happy is just so much less interesting to read and write about than being annoyed. i can't come up with pithy one-liners, be punchy or sarcastic, or state random but commonly-held assumptions and tout them as fact.
then there's the possibility of jinxing good things by talking about them, similar to my familiar jinx of my relationships by framing pictures of us. (wanna kill your relationship fast? put a little piece of wood around a photo of you, or one of you and him. and bingo, the jealous relationship gods will decree that the TIME has come.)
there's also the sort of internal awe that one experiences when there is a lack of conflict and abundance of common interests. it's sort of a hmmm, what is this thing called compatibility?
darned if i know. better that i don't. i'd likely wreck it.