just one look

well, to my surprise, mr. ny apparently meant it about being good friends. the "good" was his addition. regardless, i did too. i still tried to help him with a job search & he was like, see you can be nice when you want to be. i replied, of course i am sweet when i can be. (CAN be. as in, you make it possible.)

so anyhow, yesterday i was all emotional about something & since he had said call anytime, I e-mailed & said, this is me calling. how do i handle this, mr. rational?

he called me immediately & we talked through it. this really surprised me as i haven't dated (or non-dated) a guy before who has been so responsive when i ask for something. he asked me if i was ok, which i thought was the sweetest thing. oddly enough, his advice was something i had done already. (i didn't tell him that.) so obviously i thought it was right on. again underscoring why i liked the guy in the first place.

at the end of the conversation he called me "cutie" as usual, which i didn't expect. i sent back a cyber-kiss & a you rock just to make him feel successful. which i thought he needed after the disastrous weekend.

after the drama of the weekend this is a surprising turn of events. i will def keep him in my little black book - just realizing we can make no plans of any kind which i think he will find funny to bump up against. sometimes it's pretty amusing to entrap people in their own behavior & let them see just how crazy it is. oh, i'd love to see you, but since we can't make any plans, why don't you just give me a call & see if i'm still available while you're on your way over. ;) can't wait to say that.

also last night i went out with mr. reporter from ny, an industry contact. he has a girl, which is fine, but we had a great time with dinner & then stopped by this irish bar with live music. i had a blast & just the time i spent looking at him thinking "hmmm, is he still with his girl or not?" was enough time for me to realize mr. ny isn't the end of the line, plenty more guys out there.

sometimes just one look is all you need to remind you - love is right around the corner.

actually, there could be some more love around the last corner, which is what i think both of us is counting on, even though we don't get along well. but it's always more important to see around the next bend than focus on the last one where you ran over the curb.

war stories

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hop scotch

well, i'm back to square 1 with mr. ny at my request.

we are friends & i can call him anytime. which is basically i guess all i want anyway. you can't make plans with someone who won't plan & you can't date someone who doesn't want to explain themselves (even as to logistics) so that's what we have left.

he might make a great friend. we'll see.

at least i figured this out in a long weekend & not in 6 months.

definitely something to be said for straightforward guys. you know what's going on, no BS, and if you don't like it you know what to do.

play hop scotch.

self-revelation

well, after all my emotions have calmed down, i am rethinking the weekend & wondering if my friends weren't right to say i overreacted. not in terms of action, but in emotional response.

i'm so tired of rehashing the weekend and my opinion keeps changing so radically as i lose my emotional response, that i've deleted much of it from my blog. however, regardless of this weekend, i really need to figure out how to ACT less emotional and ACT more rational. regardless of how i feel.

any women out there find this easy to do?

let me rephrase. any women out there able to do this at ALL?

yeah, from the proliferation of e-mails from paige parker & christian carter on this topic, i thought not...

seeking single

apparently 59% of british women surveyed would divorce their husbands if they could make it ok on their own.

:) i don't feel so lonely now...being self-supporting, with money to burn, and able to tell guys...

"be good to me or go..."

christian conversion

i read christian carter's e-mails every day. yeah, this is even though i slammed him a while ago cuz someone else did. personally, i don't care really who writes the stuff, as long as i learn something from it.

as i read today about how it is up to me to take a guy to where i want the relationship to be (because according to him, i can do this), i look up on the shelf & see the 4 agreements sitting there. i think to self, hmmm, self, how can i take a guy to where i want the relationship to be - if nothing he does is about me?

christian carter misses an important point: a guy is at what stage he is at, and no matter how wonderful you are, he won't see it if he's not looking to see it. yeah, some men fall in love by accident, but most that i see fall in love go looking to fall in it.

they plan to have a relationship.

so, who do i believe?

doesn't really matter. the point is, this is about self-growth & christian carter promotes that. no matter what the guy does, i can keep growing in my relationship skills. in fact, the more odd situations i get in, the better my skills get.

the sad thing is, a girl is at her best and most attractive when she doesn't really like a guy. that always gives the guys room to chase & they love that. then the girl settles & sighs, and walks down the aisle, using the wedding excitement as a cover for her lack of interest in the guy.

yes, i see my friends doing this. "it seems to be the right thing to do," one of them actually told me.

me, i struggle with trying not to chase guys i like, but at least, i'm choosing. i dunno, i don't want to settle. the author of god is a woman talks about this. ian coburn i think. about how women settle for guys they don't like.

no way for me. i'd rather have encounters with wolves any day than settle down to boredom with a guy that i don't respect.

but most women aren't like that. i guess that's why i'm single, and will always be single and alone, i'm afraid.

sigh.

taken a beating

i feel completely beaten up lately by guys. i just don't know how to control the asshole factor. granted, i could make better decisions, but what is it about me that magnetizes them?

it's always been that way. because i am aloof or attractive or both, i attract guys who hit & run. very odd.

i'm so beaten down right now i don't even have anything pithy to say or snide like i usually do. i'm just emotionally exhausted...

orange crush

i have 3 crushes.

a girl crush on ... julianne huff (dancing with the stars)

and a boy crush on...

her brother.

and, oh. my. goodness.




eugene cussons.

hot. hot. hot.

i am the dancing queen

if you ever want to improve your self-esteem, dancing is the way to do it. something about seeing yourself (gradually) get sexier & sexier in your moves across the dance floor that does wonders for your self image.

suddenly (or after a year or so, in my case) you are transformed into - a dancer. what is this body form you're seeing in the mirror? you'd swear you've got someone else's body with your head on top, but wait, it's you!

not only that, but dancing turns a bad day into - a grrreat! one.

if only i'd known this before. but then, there is a time for everything. two weeks ago i had to completely give up a musical instrument which i performed on the semi-pro level. in fact, pro-level if you count getting paid as the distinction...

music was my whole life for many years.

now it's gone....gone...gone...gone...

and in it's place, is the dancing queen.

and then there were 10...formerly known as, 10 little roses

you non-agatha-christie fans won't get the title, but that's ok. we love you anyway. ;)

matching up non-romantic spend-thrifts (wait, does that mean cheapskate or big-spender?) with little, pretty, fragile, disposable things that die is a recipe for disaster. this is probably why men use flowers only for a purpose. to get something.

i bought myself some gorgeous roses a few days ago from the street vendor & put them in my vase at work. at $12/dozen, and flawless, they were my between-v-day-and-b-day treat.

first, i gave a flower to my best friend at work. then there were 11.

the first guy that stopped by said where did you get those? i was in a really bitchy mood (and he's a good friend) so i said, do you mean do i have a guy around that is giving me flowers? no. i don't. (i knew he didn't mean where can i buy some...) i then proceeded to ask him why guys always have to ask where the flowers come from, as if a girl can't just buy them for herself because she likes them.

(just between you and me, i've bought myself roses for years, on v-day too. i see no reason men should have a monopoly on them when i can enjoy them just as much on-demand!)

fast-forward.

on the train, another guy was sitting next to me & drunk. cute, but very drunk. as in i could smell it. his eyes were really red too, so i couldn't tell if he was on something, drunk, or crying. anyhow, he was determined that i got the flowers from a guy for a reason, and nothing could deter him from that impression. he complimented me as though i made them. what do you say? yes, they are beautiful flowers. thank you just seemed to be taking too much credit...

is it your birthday he asked? no. i got them between valentines day & my birthday i reply. is it your anniversery he asked? no. finally he slurred out, so somebody just fancies you? after two tries i got it. and gave up. yes, i said.

periodically he looked over at me throughout the ride home, and i got the distinct impression that my value in his eyes had gone up because some other guy fancied me. (oh, maybe THIS is the purpose of flowers! territorial marking...)

when i went to get off i woke him up & said, would you like a flower? pick one. to my surprise, he conceded, yes, i'll take one for the road. he didn't thank me, but put the flower in his teeth, which i took as a rather sexy but not wussy way to hold a flower if you're a guy, & thought was adorable. it looks good on you, i said.

i wonder if he can carry that rose around & still be a man. i had a vision of him tossing it into the trainway. but then - he might have kept it too, & felt loved like i did.

yes, boyz, i love myself.

and then there were 10.

I N V U not

yesterday a co-worker sent around an e-mail with a pic of her engagement ring. she has beautiful taste in rings, and i was happy for her. she's been with the guy 4 years.

what is odd is my lack of envy for her, especially since i strongly feel the lack of being married.

i think my perspective about marraige is finally changing, and becoming more pragmatic. this is no doubt due to my relationships with foreign men, but i don't really care how it happens.

my mother always said, it's better to be happily single than miserably married, which i logically have accepted but never emotionally embraced. this is because, of course, it is missing the point.

what about being happily married?

as in, who actually falls into this category?

yes, that is really the point.

marraige is seeming to me now to be less a falling in love, living happily ever after arrangement, and more a legal and practical decision. this actually makes it much easier for me to accept because the chances of really having it ALL are so slim.

i'm not sure people ever DID have it all.

it is much easier to view being single as ok when you remove the unrealistic expectations from marraige. yes, i love many of my exes, but would we be a good fit married? no. therefore, it's not all about love.

taking away the pressure for the guy to have to love me so much he can't bear to lose me (do any of us really lose our exes?), and the requirement that he make me happy & fulfill my every need (yes, we do hope for this even though we don't want to admit it) -- and replacing it with a realistic expectation that lands his reasoning somewhere in the realm of love + taxes + sex + companionship makes it much easier on me. after my recent experience with a highly emotional man, i'll take the practical ones anyday, thank you very much. leave the emotions to me, you just be a logical man & we'll be ok.

i am so relieved that now i don't have to find it all in one man. love is a great objective, but it's only a part of the equation.

so now to apply this...if i can just find out why he wants to marry me, and see if our reasons match. if they are a fit, we're ok.

how completely unromantic. and refreshing.

here's to logical marraiges. may they last longer and be happier because they - make sense...