movin' on.

i've told my friend that wants to come visit that now is not a good time. sorry, stressed & tired. i am. i haven't seen him in years & after a couple bad experiences with house guests - no more.

i told my friend that wanted me to stay over when i hadn't seen him for a long time - i already had a place to stay.

the others i will just give time as princessb suggested. but i'm also going to change the nature of my interactions with them. they are no longer flirty friends. well, except for a couple. mr. possibility (aka of who i AM staying with tomorrow night when i go on vaca) and mr. big. the rest i need to move on from in terms of expecting or hoping anything romantic. none of these 7 guys have shown the ability to have a long-term relationship or the interest in having one with me. and some of them i've known since i was very young.

i'm tired of the games. no more pretend.

so this is my back-up resolution. if i manage to let at least 4 of the 7 them go, that will be a good start....

seven

there are 7 guys in my life that i need to let go. they are the ones that are unreliable, show up to flirt, etc. etc.

i might get the number down to a five but i'm just gonna go MIA i think on most of them.

i'm getting v. bitter because of their antics which have - no follow-thru & none ever intended.

too much hassle...

observations

it's probably pretty telling about me & my relationships that i've noticed this.

but.

it seems that when someone tells you i never want to talk to you again, they DON'T mean it.

what it means is they are too emotional about the situation to interact anymore. but they really care deeply. otherwise - they'd just go away & you'd hear nothing.

kind of the apathy is the opposite of hate thing. don't care - really gone.

i just kind of ignore these statements now. i mean i consider if i want to go away or not, but if someone says this to me more than once & then sticks around for more conversation, i figure it's just insecurity.

i've said this to a guy once. i mean one guy a few times. i'm going to be staying at his place tomorrow night. lol.

two guys have said this to me. one is asking me for a date when he can come visit. the other one - is in the midst of his angst over me. he thinks he really means it. he might. i dunno. we'll see.

i've learned to let people go if they want to go. usually that stops them. what they really want i think is, no don't go. i don't offer that hold & grab service. it's not on my menu anymore. i'll be like, i hate to lose ya, but bye. and then i'll continue to interact as if we are still friends. i say, i hate to lose my friends over a fight.

it's worthy noting why i try to keep friends that i fight with. not sure that i will. sometimes it's hard to tell if someone's presence in my life is actually worth that. but considering how few people i let in - and my rather stingent screening process - i like to keep friends around. even if we have a tiff.

i make sure i stand up for myself & say what needs to be said. & then let the chips fall where they may.

is that wierd? hmmm. maybe i should have more disposable friends...

resolved

i have GOT to stop liking guys that don't like me back. enough.

and i have GOT to stop playing with guys that are unreliable.

problem is, some of these guys are my friends who still flirt with me & promise things like "i'll come to visit soon!" or "i'll call you when i get to town." and then they don't.

the only thing stopping me from accomplishing #2 is that - some of these friends go WAYYY back. like to elementary school. what do you do? diss them? maybe so.

and for #1, i am a sucker for a pretty face. and that really sucks. give me a good-looking guy & i have a really tough time equating that with character flaws. or just guys that don't want attachment.

i guess i'm entering the hiatus from guys phase. my health is more important right now and my sanity and what i've been doing lately is just not good for either. but i've chosen these guys over being alone.

i guess it's time to be alone. seems i don't know how to be any other way.

here's what i blog about when it's not about boyz

well i just finished getting ready for the client dinner tonite & the conference today & tomorrow. it's my first conference that i'm chairing - actually co-chairing now - and am nervous. not so much even for who will be there but for measuring up to my own impossible-to-meet standards.

i have always been a perfectionist which leads to excellence in performance, but really takes it out of me. i mean crazy stage fright. a few years ago i finally heard about beta blockers, which i wish i'd known about when i was a teenager. i might have kept performing violin concertos instead of stopping from the high level of angst i always felt. BBs are wonderful and effective. they don't mess with your head, but they control the anxiety.

my way of managing anxiety is to prepare for stuff in advance. therefore by 10:45 on sunday i'm all ready for tonite & tomorrow. now i can return to my regularly scheduled programming.

ah the relief.

ugh

i'm headed home to another lonely weekend by self. kitten is even away at the vets. he'll be back by saturday night though. yea.

apparently surgery was successful & his little balls were clipped without incident. hopefully he is quieter & less bitey.

i have only one person in my life right now calling me up to do anything. my housemate. other than that - it's all me to make my entertainment.

mr. big remains flirty but non-committal about plans. not that i've asked him for any except for the ill-fated movie sighting that neither of us was really that gung ho about. so no gung or ho happened. maybe it will this weekend, he was hinting around about something.

i have shitloads to do anyway. got all prepped for the conference on mon & tues that i'm chairing. what a PITA. but good pr for self, especially if want to change jobs in this market. fortunately am co-chairing (quite by accident, his joining me, but a good one) with a real go-getter from an asset mgt firm that has done most of the work. training me in i guess. i just got my comments all ready. dinner with those peeps sunday night.

then gotta pack for trip to la.

now that will be interesting.

mr. possibility (no longer one) hasn't shown up lately i'm supposed to stay with him. mr. jack is back wants me to stay over. yeah. prob not. i mean for why? so he can diss me again for another few years when he starts dating someone again.

oh well. much to get ready for. sad to be alone doing it.

oh well. now that i'm all integrated (wait i just said oh well twice dammit) dammit. hee hee. gees, i'm all about the 2s. and here i am single & all. ok, it stopped.

so as i was saying, integration is good. good thing! thing is (there we go again! wow, am i on something or what?) that i guess i have to be integrated into things & pets cuz right now people ain't happenin'.

the only guys wanting to be around me are super unreliable. mr. military is also texting me & i'm ignoring him b/c he fluctuates between saying i'm the next mrs. military & then not calling when he comes to town. huh.

and where are the girls? school has started, babies on the way, you know. shit happens.

so my entertainment this weekend is cats & rats. ratatoille is my saturday night menu while i hug my kitten. or hold him away from the screen, lol. thank goodness for netflix.

yup, thank goodness i'm well integrated there! hee hee.

relief is spelled - integration

this isn't a computer term, this is how i feel about life. finally. i'm integrated.

i feel that i've been running on a separate track from everyone else since i was a child. living in a parallel universe where my life kinda mattered but not really. like if i disappeared no one would really notice. i've been half there.

that is strange, considering that for much of my life i have been a concert musician, and a good one, and people do tend to notice that! yet i still felt invisible and strangely disconnected.

at the core of me there has been this big void when it comes to who is me?

it wasn't until this morning riding in on the train, with the sun in my eyes, reading my mike connelly murder mystery book after dropping kitten off at the vet to get his little balls cut off (poor baby). i looked into the sun & this feeling came over me.

i matter.

i am connected.

one of the things i have avoided throughout the years is connection. to anyone. based on the fact that i grew up moving so much, and am very wary of men & tending to lose my g-friends frequently, i try to keep myself to myself.

but all of a sudden i really care for my kitten, and that makes me feel connected. plus i have a job where, if i don't show up to chair a couple financial services conferences, for example, someone will notice. and i have an apartment. a car. a kindasorta boyfriend stand-in guy (mr. big) who really is sweet even through my random craziness. and my dancing.

finally, i am here. i am home. there is a me, a home to go to in my heart. at last i can stop searching for it outside myself. i am integrated into me and my world.

how do you spell relief?

"rolled-back" research

good news for all diet haters. apparently, if there is a walmart near you, you will weigh less. it seems that the low cost of goods encourages you to eat healthier and lose weight automatically. just call it the walmart diet.

what is not mentioned is the rolled-back budget for this research, with the discounted version missing the correlation between the findings and the conclusion. or perhaps research project A was conducted, while results from project B were reported.

no doubt walmart paid nothing for this study, and instead this discount research was heavily sub-sidized by the local farmers and real estate agents either at gun-point or when they were heavily medicated on anti-depressants due to the devaluation of their property and uprooted turnips when walmart came to town.

all i can say is, thank goodness that walmart bank never got approved! if walmart does this with research, what would they do with my money?

blog mandate in question

i've been told i write a pretty witty blog when i get in the mood.

thinking of expanding beyond just dating stuff, although this has been my blog's purpose.

admittedly everything that happens to me & that i think would be fair game, given that it is written by a single person. (as in NOT MARRIED, mr. plentoffish date, grrr)

should i expand or keep focused on just dating stuff?

comments welcome...

clean slate

i've deleted a bunch of blogs, gonna start over again.

it's kinda like i wiped my glasses off.

here we go - back to seeing-more-clearly-single.

online dating again

so i've decided i'd make good on my decision to date some new guys online. a couple have popped up online that look interesting.

do i ask too much - why can't guys close a date?

so here is this guy. e-mails me yesterday. wanna meet up today? i read it later, nope. you can schedule something with me though, i usually plan my dates in advance.

his response? ok, i do too. what do you have in mind?

ME? nothing. i just told you, you can ask me out & i will go. do i have to fricken plan it too?

this is the same guy who sent me his picture then when i didn't respond for a day wrote another e-mail saying, yeah it was a bad picture. (which it wasn't.) wow, he sounds like me!

this guy is way too insecure for my taste. am i too picky? ugh. all i ask is - a little self-confidence!!

now what to do? ignore him so he thinks i'm a bi***? or just wait until it gets worse? these things never get better. plus we have no conversation going on so it's pretty lame. a lot of talking will not occur on the date that will never happen...

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the second guy has 3 kids. he's also the second guy that has interested me that has 3 kids. fortunately for them, he includes in his bio - must love kids. do i love kids? hmmm. are these loveable kids we're talking about or shin kickers? cuz all i'm seeing is - must accept 3 other people (not including the ex) to come in line before you. oh wait, don't forget the job.

i dunno about the 3 kids thing...

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another very interesting & articulate guy (also a good photographer) lives in houston. nice. i can visit him when i visit my family down there. he writes these beautiful long e-mails. wait, long. i meant really long. so as much as i like them, i'm skeptical. this is our 2nd e-mail exchange. this guy doesn't even know me.

WHY the long e-mails?

he's a keeper though, at least until he turns stalker or something.

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then there's the italian surgeon. hmmm. looks normal. but can't write english. i can imagine hours of straining to understand his accent. and his 6 girlfriends on the side that i will have to share time with. he's off to florida for a month.

i dunno. i never really liked italy all that much. or florida either.

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then there's all my repeat guys, who write to me like they've never seen me every time i change my picture.

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then there's the guy who calls himself mr. grampy - at 40.

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and the 22 year old who has one thing on the brain

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and the 39 year old who says what that is - titling his e-mail appropriately Sex, & asking "wanna have sex, cuz that's all i'm here for."

of course he got my applause since we know 99.9% of guys are there for that reason anyway.

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oh to be YOUNG again & dating online.

back then i met guys like the cute guy (aka of my first cigar) moving to arizona who tried for three dates to get me to a hotel room.

then there was jacque, the teacher who kept wanting me to stay over after how many dates? yeah somewhere less then 2.

and the guy with the red convertible who told me proudly it was leased (oh hear the impress-ion fizzle) before inviting me back repeatedly to his place to see his great "interior design."

then there was the guy who took me to the red sox game. inside the box, what was that place called? anyhow, we had some great buffet. and he talked the whole time about this girl 6 rows up in the mini skirt. i had him drop me off at the CVS. didn't want him to know where i lived.

let's not forget the married guy, who showed up twice. once while still married - and seemingly unable to get me a cup of coffee at starbucks without prompting - and who divulged said marraige only upon my insistent questioning about himself & the blanks in his life. then he showed up again a year later claiming his wife had ahem, died & that he had the obituary in german to prove it.

and of course, the first guy i ever dated online who i met at the oak bar & didn't even recognize cuz he was 10 years older than his picture

those were the good old days.

as opposed to ---------------- all the fun i am having now!

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yeah, i wonder what my cat is up to about now?