timing

i posted a question on a message board about if my doc ignores my communications for a week, is this a big deal? john gray talks about it not being a big deal. well, not ignoring, but that guys will disappear until they figure out what they want.

however this is just strange. i think it's a sign things are def over with me & my doc. so i'm moving on. or back, as i said to my regularly scheduled life.

of course in some ways i'm super upset. and in other ways, i'm like, well there are some things that i really didn't like & were red flags. so better now than later.

but still. anyhow, back to the topic. if a guy goes awol for a week, is that a big deal? my girlfriends don't think it is really. it's odd. not nice. def different. but a big deal?

i don't know what guys would say about this. i would say it is continuing the rejective behavior i got upset about in the first place on our last morning of the trip. how can you turn me down for affection on the last day, no matter how "oddly" i may ask? i mean, i like you dude. & you prefer to pack to make love to me? that is just whack.

i have a friend who waits until her husband want to have sex all the time. ok. that is a def possibility that some guys prefer to call the shots. but to just be cold hearted & then tell me, you're not thinking long-term (like you want a relationship) & then ignore me when you get back?

something is all screwball here.

khaos

this is my new favorite monster drink. aka my doc who got me addicted. i do tend to mix things up with coffee still, so as to keep my addiction somewhat under control.

this is also the name of my emotional upheavals. i go through a perfect storm of emotions quite frequently (like lately) & then as soon as they're over, the sun comes out & i'm fine. this is very interesting.



not only interesting, it's damaging to my relationships. so off i go on monday to figure this out.

i counted more than ten (10) yes 1-0 men that i have gotten khaotically emotional with over the past however many years i've been dating. and lest i think he will never come back again (which i'm currently thinking about my doc of course) i counted what, 8 of them that did? of their own accord. or my convincing. whatever. all the same.

only 2 did not return to a relationship with me. a young guy that i didn't ultimately want anyway & my cheater ex. oh, yes, & another guy way back in college. so that's 3. i have a 70% retention rate for guys that i get all emotional on.

now the good thing about this is that i FINALLY have something to fix. all my friends have been saying you need to see a therapist. i have been like, yeah, but about what? i mean how can you measure success or address something that is very undefined?

well now i've named it & ID'd it. khaotic emotions.

this came up in the last morning of our trip to orlando & OMG, it wasn't fun. for either of us. in fact, i'm not sure i'll even hear from my doc again. but he can't say he wasn't warned, not that that makes it any better. i mean i don't have an eating disorder, i'm not mean, i'm not toxic, but i get khaotically emotional. it's not pretty.

i've identified alot of this as fear. in fact, i've realized that much of my pain is fear-induced. all? who knows. regardless however, once you have a pattern of more than 10 men over a number of years, this is a significant pattern.

so i called my ex that i had the most trouble with this about & was like help, i'm freaking out. i haven't heard back from him yet. we'll see what he says. he is used to this in me though, has been through it many times, and he ultimately sees that i normalize. however my doc has not seen that enough yet. nor should he deal with it if he doesn't want to. i made it very clear that i recognized it was a problem & was working on it. i just didn't realize exactly how regular a problem it was.

apparently if i like a guy, i tend to fall apart around him. yeah. that's attractive.

i don't know any good therapists in town. the two that i've tried in my dr's office depress me. they are unhappy women who try to blame my upheaval on my religion. right. ok. thanks ladies. how about trying something else. i'm not even very religious anymore & what are you going to do, exorcise it? i mean, i'm not JW or CS or anything like that. i'm conservative, mainstream, legalistic protestant. heck, i'm not even catholic. so i have guilt, but not catholic guilt.

so currently i'm 5 days into not talking to my doc. or i mean him not talking back. so he is still either pissed off at me or thinking things over. i trust (because i do) that he hasn't gone awol on me, but heck, if he did, he didn't like me as much as i thought & best to find that out before doing silly things like getting married to people who don't even like you. yes, stranger things have happened.

i want him to like me, khaos & all. although hopefully soon it will just be the drink...

bounceback

sometimes it's hard to remember, when i currently am in the situation, that nearly all the guys in my life come back. yes. they, do.

and every time i think they never will.

i just realized this.

interesting how one day you realize all the misconceptions you live under & that drive your fears. & how disassociated they really are from reality...

bunny

i hate to admit it, but i'm entering my bunny phase.

as in running.

wow, i sure have issues with staying around. my friends tell me to take deep breaths & not keep obsessing & just wait & see what happens.

me, i'm busy looking for the escape root (lol, what a pun) from the garden of luv.

it's all very interesting to observe myself doing this. the minute any friction enters a r-ship, i'm all about running. the big question is just when, where & how fast.

the hardest thing for me to do right now is just sit & lick my feet. yes, that's what bunnies do, i suppose, when they're NOT running. that's what my cat does. maybe that's what little scared animals do to keep the mind off the fact that they might be dinner.

the funny thing is that of course, my bunny tendencies don't come up when i'm single. they only come up when - voila - there is something to run from.

off i go to lick my feet.

ugh. nasty. although luckily i just got a pedicure for v-day & i have cute little pink toes.

just sit there & stew

this concept of sitting with your feelings & just waiting to see what happens next is a totally new one for me. my feelings tend to scream "JUST DO IT!" and often doing anything is the worst thing at all. b/c usually when you feel that strongly, you don't know exactly what to do. or at least i don't. being relationship challenged & thinking that down is up.

so i'm sitting with my feelings & doing. absolutely. nothing.

tonite i'm gonna try not to think either (even harder than not doing!) so here comes a corona & some great mind-numbing tv & kitten-cuddling.

oh what a relief it is.

the little things

you forget, after being single so long, that some things might be landmines & need to be changed. little things like the wallpaper on your phone, pictures of uh, people & stuff like that. the things that are related to people that really aren't in your life or at least in any serious way, but sure look that way to someone who doesn't know any better.

my exercise 2nite i guess is to clean up my cell phone. i'm not someone who wants to have a code on my phone (though i know guys who do) or have it turned to silent all the time. in fact, those things scream "there are things about me you don't want to know." my doc & i had a conversation last night about transparency & even though we haven't had a state-of-the-relationship conversation, safe is better than endless discussion over nothing.

he has been transparent with me & i find it harder. but i will do it. because it's important to him. i don't think i have anything to hide, but sometimes just the fact that you're not out there with stuff makes it look like it.

it's going to be interesting try to transparentalize my life. i'm not really gonna jump up & do it all at once, but in the interest of fair play (& dealing with someone who is actually brilliant at deduction of the slightest nuance) it just makes sense.

so here i go to find my phone...

trippin'

i think i mentioned this b4, but planning a trip with a preparer & a procrastinator is an interesting exercise. it requires some skill & lots of patience. on both sides.

since i've traveled so much i have pretty definite ideas about how to figure things out & what i want, especially when it comes to my flight & sleeping plans. however, that doesn't sit so well with a red-blooded male who wants to have the solutions. my solution is to provide options & ideas & let him make the final decision. at least about stuff that is negotiable. even that is hard though. ideas are not particularly feminine, feelings are. so trying to talk ideas with a guy who wants to plan is a sensitive issue.

i've been out of r-ships for so long that these things haven't come up. i mean the most discussion i've had is around why a guy is NOT showing up, not around HOW to make that happen. it's a great problem to have. just one that super-independent-me is a little uncertain of.

the good thing is i am learning some communications skills that let me address exactly what i want to say when it needs to be said, & my doc is all about that too. so there is immediate discussion around sensitive situations. that's way cool. i mean really super awesome. none of this resentment building up over anything, just say hey, & you fix it right there.

i'm pretty happy with how things are going. my emotional needs are being met for the first time in, years?, how many exactly? so that makes me very satisfied. yes. this is good.

i don't know how else to say it but - i think this guy is great. now it's up to me to help him keep feeling that way...

sexy texting

here's why you don't do it when you're dating someone else. you can slip up.

i didn't. at least with that. but it reminded me why i am not seeing other guys right now, even though we don't have an official status.

last night i sent a text about my doc to...my doc. instead of my gfriend. sweet. it was rather innocuous & happy about the upcoming trip, but still. how easy to screw up...

so orlando is on. v. happy. we'll see how things go. he is ticketed & planning things.

now the q is - what to do for v-day. hmmm. what do you do for a first unofficial v-day anyway? i'm thinking...

this guy continues to make me very happy. i like. since i'm getting closer to him, i'll probably be writing less, out of respect. about him that is. me, i can always write about me.

after all, that's what this blog is about.

go me.
go me.
go me.

so far so good

well, i'm doing ok with my doc. learning how to communicate, you know, adjust, to somebody new & what they want.

i think the fact that we decided to travel together one month in is raising interesting challenges. we've not yet got a division of roles & responsibilities yet so it's a little - perplexing - from my point of view.

being the planner, i've got everything i need to do planned out already. he's not so much that way. oh well. i'm hoping it will a) happen, & b) be fun. at the very least, we'll enjoy it.

i think traveling is a better option than showing up & meeting his friends as a couple. we haven't even figured out what's going on yet for sure & need a neutral territory to make that happen. preferably one where it's not 13 degrees as it was when he was here. that's a little limiting on - everything.

i seem to be using the word "little" and dashes a lot. hmmm.

in other news, how about that superbowl? finally a bowl worthy of its title, even though i wasn't a fan of either team. just give me a good game, if my boyz ain't playin'.

in still other news, how will daschle make it thru & the president still look good? yeah. not happening. not sure if our new prez is going to besmirch his good name with the appointment of a felon. so my guess is obama will publicly stand behind the man & tell the committee to veto it. it's a no-lose solution.

yeah. i want a felon in office. one with a conscience. yes. who gets embarrassed. right on time, in front of the committee.

did he not think it would catch up with him? are we so jaded we think no public servant (let alone HHS) can be found that hasn't committed some sort of legal infraction?

bah humbag. put him out on his dashcle-a**.

ghosts in the closet

there is that period of getting to know someone new when you just wait for all the ghosts-of-relationships-past to pop out of the closet & freak you out. or make you fall down the stairs & kill ya.

this is one of those times.

the elephant in the room between my doc & i is - why are we both so hot & still single? i'm not sure if i will bring it up, but it's like so fricken' obvious that the question is there.

wonder if i should try to just have a white elephant sale instead of pointing out that there is one. maybe the new buyers could come get it while his head is turned. or mine.

:)

undependence

the transition from being a successful working woman to a sweet girlfriend is not an easy one. i mean, that is if you like a man to be a man & you to be sweet & nice.

how the hell do you get things done? this will be interesting.

i'm so used to just making decisions & doing them. like i want to travel here, so i'll buy a plane ticket & go. now i'm waiting to see what will happen after i've made a couple comments about it. time to sit tight. it's odd to be out of control. v. uncomfortable.

i was talking to a friend online that married at 38. she was telling me about the power struggles she & her husband are having. yes, that will be me. i'm so used to doing my own thing it's hard to NOT.

effecting change when there are broader objectives than your own is a definite skill. it's not one i'm particularly acquainted with, but i definitely want to learn it. being taken care of by a man whose judgment i trust is valuable to me. i'm tired of running everything on my own. so now if i give up that right, i have to take deep breaths & try to figure out my next strategy.

after all, you can't tell a guy what you want & also tell him how to get it done...