done
i don't want to be here anymore. there is nothing for me.
there is no man that i respect in my life. there will apparently never be any.
i have no friends. i have no family of my own.
i will be spending saturday night alone. and sunday night alone. and monday night alone. because there is no one that i want to spend it with, who also wants to spend it with me.
i didn't settle. therefore i have no husband, no children, no family, no companionship. i am lonely.
what is the point in even trying again? i will never date anyone again. i will never believe another man.
i will always be seeing single.
my eternal damnation.
February 27, 2009
February 26, 2009
see-saw
retrospect is a wierd thing. one minute you see things this way, the next you saw them that way.
after an earlier tirade (which i erased) about my impressions about a number of things about the jerk, i now have appropriately (about the time for bed) landed upon a conclusion:
that thank goodness he left, otherwise i would have been stuck with him.
sometimes it's hard to realize that being a couple, as intoxicating as it sounds, means you sacrifice yourself to the integrity of the other person. that is a very good thing if they like to treat their sacrificial offerings well. like princesses with feelings. (why do men prefer them without?)
if, on the other hand, you want to still exist somewhere as yourself, oh my. that is another problem. because you need to be still like jello in a mold on your sacrifical alter in his opinion, whereas you rather think of yourself as the main dish.
i'm losing my way here, what was the topic again? rants tend to be random. a wierd thing about rants. ok, another tangent....[runs to check title of blog]
oh. see saw. now i see what i didn't saw before. a number of interesting things that i never identified in guys i dated before. which is why as i stated, they were fog. things like me (as in myself) being invisible, but rather a reflection of how he saw himself & his ideal woman, his criticism of me that displayed itself in the oddest moments, how super sweet he was, taking better care of me than i took of myself, his absorption with himself & his own activities (which made me suspicious that even if i lived in his HOUSE i wouldn't be visible), how he controlled so many things.
mr. new york coming over the weekend after i got back really put this into perspective. he was just so - laid-back. whatever i wanted was ok. however i dressed. he didn't ask me to dress up for him. he didn't pick the restaurant. maybe he didn't like me but really, he wasn't projecting & wasn't trying to get me to be anything other than - in bed. hee hee. (however, seriously, exactly the place the jerk didn't want to be. proving, it wasn't me...) but anyhow. what a difference.
remember a few months ago i got super emotional in front of mr. ny. we had a knock-down-dragout fight over text about whether he was a klepto or not (i now think not but then...hmmm). & we have made up. more than once. lol. & now just to have him here, so refreshingly non-controlling. especially when he tells me, yes, you are very fu*kable & goes to prove it a time or two. proving again what mr. la said (minus the f*ing activity) that - it wasn't me.
yes. i now see. i am blaming myself for this whole thing.
must mean - i'm a woman. ;)
retrospect is a wierd thing. one minute you see things this way, the next you saw them that way.
after an earlier tirade (which i erased) about my impressions about a number of things about the jerk, i now have appropriately (about the time for bed) landed upon a conclusion:
that thank goodness he left, otherwise i would have been stuck with him.
sometimes it's hard to realize that being a couple, as intoxicating as it sounds, means you sacrifice yourself to the integrity of the other person. that is a very good thing if they like to treat their sacrificial offerings well. like princesses with feelings. (why do men prefer them without?)
if, on the other hand, you want to still exist somewhere as yourself, oh my. that is another problem. because you need to be still like jello in a mold on your sacrifical alter in his opinion, whereas you rather think of yourself as the main dish.
i'm losing my way here, what was the topic again? rants tend to be random. a wierd thing about rants. ok, another tangent....[runs to check title of blog]
oh. see saw. now i see what i didn't saw before. a number of interesting things that i never identified in guys i dated before. which is why as i stated, they were fog. things like me (as in myself) being invisible, but rather a reflection of how he saw himself & his ideal woman, his criticism of me that displayed itself in the oddest moments, how super sweet he was, taking better care of me than i took of myself, his absorption with himself & his own activities (which made me suspicious that even if i lived in his HOUSE i wouldn't be visible), how he controlled so many things.
mr. new york coming over the weekend after i got back really put this into perspective. he was just so - laid-back. whatever i wanted was ok. however i dressed. he didn't ask me to dress up for him. he didn't pick the restaurant. maybe he didn't like me but really, he wasn't projecting & wasn't trying to get me to be anything other than - in bed. hee hee. (however, seriously, exactly the place the jerk didn't want to be. proving, it wasn't me...) but anyhow. what a difference.
remember a few months ago i got super emotional in front of mr. ny. we had a knock-down-dragout fight over text about whether he was a klepto or not (i now think not but then...hmmm). & we have made up. more than once. lol. & now just to have him here, so refreshingly non-controlling. especially when he tells me, yes, you are very fu*kable & goes to prove it a time or two. proving again what mr. la said (minus the f*ing activity) that - it wasn't me.
yes. i now see. i am blaming myself for this whole thing.
must mean - i'm a woman. ;)
memory serves...
sometimes memory serves good meals.
as i'm struggling not to call my ex-doc, who will soon receive a new name since i'm getting allergic to the term doc, i recall an interesting statement. we were at epcot when the right moment in the conversation struck to ask him why he had not married before (or specifically, at 23 when his brother did). his response was epic, and immediately struck me as a red flag more than anything else he'd said before. and that was a prophetic red flag, in hindsight.
anyway, he said immediately without pause, ' "what was her name again?" that's pretty much what you could say about any girl i've dated at any time." and i was like hmmm....
i didn't realize how interesting that statement would become to me.
sometimes memory serves good meals.
as i'm struggling not to call my ex-doc, who will soon receive a new name since i'm getting allergic to the term doc, i recall an interesting statement. we were at epcot when the right moment in the conversation struck to ask him why he had not married before (or specifically, at 23 when his brother did). his response was epic, and immediately struck me as a red flag more than anything else he'd said before. and that was a prophetic red flag, in hindsight.
anyway, he said immediately without pause, ' "what was her name again?" that's pretty much what you could say about any girl i've dated at any time." and i was like hmmm....
i didn't realize how interesting that statement would become to me.
February 25, 2009
recovery
well, i'm reading stuff from liftedhearts.net every day & apparently doing much better than past breakups. that is, from the lack of craziness-factor. (oh yes, to clarify, of course this wasn't a breakup. there was nothing to break up from my ex-doc's perspective. he was still criticizing me to figure out if i was good enough for him, a small fact that i noticed & referenced in my blog, but apparently that didn't sink in until, well, it did.)
my ex, mr. la, who i guess i used to call mr. possibility but who isn't anymore, with whom i'm going on vacation, was a valuable resource for me last night. i told him that i had texted my ex-doc & said you're gone aren't you? well goodbye. i'll miss you. & he thought that was a "class A" thing to do. coming from him that's awesome, because mr. busy saw the worst most crazy sides of me ever. how many times did i tell him i never want to talk to you again? & he tell me the same?
i of course got all wrapped up in the "other woman" theory & called mr. la for his perspective. he had just had a crazy ex accuse him of cheating, which he didn't. because it was with me & we didn't. so i knew he'd help. he said basically that what he told her was it doesn't really matter. if i was with someone else (which i wasn't) i'll either figure out that you were better & come back, or i'll like her better & leave. either way, you'll find out now. so that curbed my tendencies to be all crazy on my ex-doc about that.
i sent my ex-doc back a check for the $$ he gave me for the rental car on the trip. i told him thank you for your generosity, but like i said, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested in it. i really don't want his money. ugh. he got annoyed with me a few weeks ago because he thought i was wanting him to spend his money unfairly & i really don't. i said at the time, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested. which, i just proved. i didn't do this to prove anything, but really i don't want what i consider guilt or dumping money. even if it was a business deal that he agreed to. i don't need it. i don't want it. we'll see if he cashes the check...
nevertheless, i'm crying at night & generally very broken up as i really thought this was a guy i would marry. i would never have gone on vacation with him if i didn't think he was already planning to date me. apparently i was mistaken. he was still analyzing everything, in fact, in a very critical way. i seemed to go from the goddess of light to someone worthy of dumping literally in a few hours.
anyhow, mr. la assured me NONE of this is me. that i had a very good reason for getting upset when i was in orlando. it's very odd, but i am not to blame for any of it. he also said to give it time, who knows, sometimes people need time to think things over. since he is also a taurus (we all 3 are actually, him, me & my ex-doc) & we have been through our share of fights & reconnections, i think his viewpoint would be the most accurate of anyone's.
which is not to say i would jump at my ex-doc's reappearance. i am thinking this sort of rejective behavior is emotionally abusive & as cute as he is, i'm not interested in being subjected to that.
oh well. it's actually been less than 2 weeks since we got back, but i guess i don't have any patience for his odd behavior. i am going to move on & get back to my other guys - that love me, in spite of myself. or heck. BECAUSE of my wonderful self.
well, i'm reading stuff from liftedhearts.net every day & apparently doing much better than past breakups. that is, from the lack of craziness-factor. (oh yes, to clarify, of course this wasn't a breakup. there was nothing to break up from my ex-doc's perspective. he was still criticizing me to figure out if i was good enough for him, a small fact that i noticed & referenced in my blog, but apparently that didn't sink in until, well, it did.)
my ex, mr. la, who i guess i used to call mr. possibility but who isn't anymore, with whom i'm going on vacation, was a valuable resource for me last night. i told him that i had texted my ex-doc & said you're gone aren't you? well goodbye. i'll miss you. & he thought that was a "class A" thing to do. coming from him that's awesome, because mr. busy saw the worst most crazy sides of me ever. how many times did i tell him i never want to talk to you again? & he tell me the same?
i of course got all wrapped up in the "other woman" theory & called mr. la for his perspective. he had just had a crazy ex accuse him of cheating, which he didn't. because it was with me & we didn't. so i knew he'd help. he said basically that what he told her was it doesn't really matter. if i was with someone else (which i wasn't) i'll either figure out that you were better & come back, or i'll like her better & leave. either way, you'll find out now. so that curbed my tendencies to be all crazy on my ex-doc about that.
i sent my ex-doc back a check for the $$ he gave me for the rental car on the trip. i told him thank you for your generosity, but like i said, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested in it. i really don't want his money. ugh. he got annoyed with me a few weeks ago because he thought i was wanting him to spend his money unfairly & i really don't. i said at the time, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested. which, i just proved. i didn't do this to prove anything, but really i don't want what i consider guilt or dumping money. even if it was a business deal that he agreed to. i don't need it. i don't want it. we'll see if he cashes the check...
nevertheless, i'm crying at night & generally very broken up as i really thought this was a guy i would marry. i would never have gone on vacation with him if i didn't think he was already planning to date me. apparently i was mistaken. he was still analyzing everything, in fact, in a very critical way. i seemed to go from the goddess of light to someone worthy of dumping literally in a few hours.
anyhow, mr. la assured me NONE of this is me. that i had a very good reason for getting upset when i was in orlando. it's very odd, but i am not to blame for any of it. he also said to give it time, who knows, sometimes people need time to think things over. since he is also a taurus (we all 3 are actually, him, me & my ex-doc) & we have been through our share of fights & reconnections, i think his viewpoint would be the most accurate of anyone's.
which is not to say i would jump at my ex-doc's reappearance. i am thinking this sort of rejective behavior is emotionally abusive & as cute as he is, i'm not interested in being subjected to that.
oh well. it's actually been less than 2 weeks since we got back, but i guess i don't have any patience for his odd behavior. i am going to move on & get back to my other guys - that love me, in spite of myself. or heck. BECAUSE of my wonderful self.
February 23, 2009
hit & run
well, i guess i was just hit & run by the best guy i have ever dated. ever.
unbelievable.
mr. ny came over yesterday & really was awesome. he was supportive & loving & kind, all the things that my doc stopped being. suddenly. plus, what can i say, mr. ny knows how to make a woman happy & yeah, i need to not forget that my doc just didn't care enough to do that.
sigh.
it sucks to be a taurus & get all caught up in how hot people are & how perfect they are & forget - if he's getting on my nerves (and i consider myself very tolerant) & all into himself - yeah. doesn't matter how hot that is.
sooner or later i would have called it a day. given his lack of interest in me & how i feel. i guess better it happened now.
yeah right. isn't that what you always tell yourself when you've been dumped.
well, i guess i was just hit & run by the best guy i have ever dated. ever.
unbelievable.
mr. ny came over yesterday & really was awesome. he was supportive & loving & kind, all the things that my doc stopped being. suddenly. plus, what can i say, mr. ny knows how to make a woman happy & yeah, i need to not forget that my doc just didn't care enough to do that.
sigh.
it sucks to be a taurus & get all caught up in how hot people are & how perfect they are & forget - if he's getting on my nerves (and i consider myself very tolerant) & all into himself - yeah. doesn't matter how hot that is.
sooner or later i would have called it a day. given his lack of interest in me & how i feel. i guess better it happened now.
yeah right. isn't that what you always tell yourself when you've been dumped.
February 21, 2009
timing
i posted a question on a message board about if my doc ignores my communications for a week, is this a big deal? john gray talks about it not being a big deal. well, not ignoring, but that guys will disappear until they figure out what they want.
however this is just strange. i think it's a sign things are def over with me & my doc. so i'm moving on. or back, as i said to my regularly scheduled life.
of course in some ways i'm super upset. and in other ways, i'm like, well there are some things that i really didn't like & were red flags. so better now than later.
but still. anyhow, back to the topic. if a guy goes awol for a week, is that a big deal? my girlfriends don't think it is really. it's odd. not nice. def different. but a big deal?
i don't know what guys would say about this. i would say it is continuing the rejective behavior i got upset about in the first place on our last morning of the trip. how can you turn me down for affection on the last day, no matter how "oddly" i may ask? i mean, i like you dude. & you prefer to pack to make love to me? that is just whack.
i have a friend who waits until her husband want to have sex all the time. ok. that is a def possibility that some guys prefer to call the shots. but to just be cold hearted & then tell me, you're not thinking long-term (like you want a relationship) & then ignore me when you get back?
something is all screwball here.
i posted a question on a message board about if my doc ignores my communications for a week, is this a big deal? john gray talks about it not being a big deal. well, not ignoring, but that guys will disappear until they figure out what they want.
however this is just strange. i think it's a sign things are def over with me & my doc. so i'm moving on. or back, as i said to my regularly scheduled life.
of course in some ways i'm super upset. and in other ways, i'm like, well there are some things that i really didn't like & were red flags. so better now than later.
but still. anyhow, back to the topic. if a guy goes awol for a week, is that a big deal? my girlfriends don't think it is really. it's odd. not nice. def different. but a big deal?
i don't know what guys would say about this. i would say it is continuing the rejective behavior i got upset about in the first place on our last morning of the trip. how can you turn me down for affection on the last day, no matter how "oddly" i may ask? i mean, i like you dude. & you prefer to pack to make love to me? that is just whack.
i have a friend who waits until her husband want to have sex all the time. ok. that is a def possibility that some guys prefer to call the shots. but to just be cold hearted & then tell me, you're not thinking long-term (like you want a relationship) & then ignore me when you get back?
something is all screwball here.
February 20, 2009
khaos
this is my new favorite monster drink. aka my doc who got me addicted. i do tend to mix things up with coffee still, so as to keep my addiction somewhat under control.
this is also the name of my emotional upheavals. i go through a perfect storm of emotions quite frequently (like lately) & then as soon as they're over, the sun comes out & i'm fine. this is very interesting.
not only interesting, it's damaging to my relationships. so off i go on monday to figure this out.
i counted more than ten (10) yes 1-0 men that i have gotten khaotically emotional with over the past however many years i've been dating. and lest i think he will never come back again (which i'm currently thinking about my doc of course) i counted what, 8 of them that did? of their own accord. or my convincing. whatever. all the same.
only 2 did not return to a relationship with me. a young guy that i didn't ultimately want anyway & my cheater ex. oh, yes, & another guy way back in college. so that's 3. i have a 70% retention rate for guys that i get all emotional on.
now the good thing about this is that i FINALLY have something to fix. all my friends have been saying you need to see a therapist. i have been like, yeah, but about what? i mean how can you measure success or address something that is very undefined?
well now i've named it & ID'd it. khaotic emotions.
this came up in the last morning of our trip to orlando & OMG, it wasn't fun. for either of us. in fact, i'm not sure i'll even hear from my doc again. but he can't say he wasn't warned, not that that makes it any better. i mean i don't have an eating disorder, i'm not mean, i'm not toxic, but i get khaotically emotional. it's not pretty.
i've identified alot of this as fear. in fact, i've realized that much of my pain is fear-induced. all? who knows. regardless however, once you have a pattern of more than 10 men over a number of years, this is a significant pattern.
so i called my ex that i had the most trouble with this about & was like help, i'm freaking out. i haven't heard back from him yet. we'll see what he says. he is used to this in me though, has been through it many times, and he ultimately sees that i normalize. however my doc has not seen that enough yet. nor should he deal with it if he doesn't want to. i made it very clear that i recognized it was a problem & was working on it. i just didn't realize exactly how regular a problem it was.
apparently if i like a guy, i tend to fall apart around him. yeah. that's attractive.
i don't know any good therapists in town. the two that i've tried in my dr's office depress me. they are unhappy women who try to blame my upheaval on my religion. right. ok. thanks ladies. how about trying something else. i'm not even very religious anymore & what are you going to do, exorcise it? i mean, i'm not JW or CS or anything like that. i'm conservative, mainstream, legalistic protestant. heck, i'm not even catholic. so i have guilt, but not catholic guilt.
so currently i'm 5 days into not talking to my doc. or i mean him not talking back. so he is still either pissed off at me or thinking things over. i trust (because i do) that he hasn't gone awol on me, but heck, if he did, he didn't like me as much as i thought & best to find that out before doing silly things like getting married to people who don't even like you. yes, stranger things have happened.
i want him to like me, khaos & all. although hopefully soon it will just be the drink...
this is my new favorite monster drink. aka my doc who got me addicted. i do tend to mix things up with coffee still, so as to keep my addiction somewhat under control.
this is also the name of my emotional upheavals. i go through a perfect storm of emotions quite frequently (like lately) & then as soon as they're over, the sun comes out & i'm fine. this is very interesting.
not only interesting, it's damaging to my relationships. so off i go on monday to figure this out.
i counted more than ten (10) yes 1-0 men that i have gotten khaotically emotional with over the past however many years i've been dating. and lest i think he will never come back again (which i'm currently thinking about my doc of course) i counted what, 8 of them that did? of their own accord. or my convincing. whatever. all the same.
only 2 did not return to a relationship with me. a young guy that i didn't ultimately want anyway & my cheater ex. oh, yes, & another guy way back in college. so that's 3. i have a 70% retention rate for guys that i get all emotional on.
now the good thing about this is that i FINALLY have something to fix. all my friends have been saying you need to see a therapist. i have been like, yeah, but about what? i mean how can you measure success or address something that is very undefined?
well now i've named it & ID'd it. khaotic emotions.
this came up in the last morning of our trip to orlando & OMG, it wasn't fun. for either of us. in fact, i'm not sure i'll even hear from my doc again. but he can't say he wasn't warned, not that that makes it any better. i mean i don't have an eating disorder, i'm not mean, i'm not toxic, but i get khaotically emotional. it's not pretty.
i've identified alot of this as fear. in fact, i've realized that much of my pain is fear-induced. all? who knows. regardless however, once you have a pattern of more than 10 men over a number of years, this is a significant pattern.
so i called my ex that i had the most trouble with this about & was like help, i'm freaking out. i haven't heard back from him yet. we'll see what he says. he is used to this in me though, has been through it many times, and he ultimately sees that i normalize. however my doc has not seen that enough yet. nor should he deal with it if he doesn't want to. i made it very clear that i recognized it was a problem & was working on it. i just didn't realize exactly how regular a problem it was.
apparently if i like a guy, i tend to fall apart around him. yeah. that's attractive.
i don't know any good therapists in town. the two that i've tried in my dr's office depress me. they are unhappy women who try to blame my upheaval on my religion. right. ok. thanks ladies. how about trying something else. i'm not even very religious anymore & what are you going to do, exorcise it? i mean, i'm not JW or CS or anything like that. i'm conservative, mainstream, legalistic protestant. heck, i'm not even catholic. so i have guilt, but not catholic guilt.
so currently i'm 5 days into not talking to my doc. or i mean him not talking back. so he is still either pissed off at me or thinking things over. i trust (because i do) that he hasn't gone awol on me, but heck, if he did, he didn't like me as much as i thought & best to find that out before doing silly things like getting married to people who don't even like you. yes, stranger things have happened.
i want him to like me, khaos & all. although hopefully soon it will just be the drink...
bounceback
sometimes it's hard to remember, when i currently am in the situation, that nearly all the guys in my life come back. yes. they, do.
and every time i think they never will.
i just realized this.
interesting how one day you realize all the misconceptions you live under & that drive your fears. & how disassociated they really are from reality...
sometimes it's hard to remember, when i currently am in the situation, that nearly all the guys in my life come back. yes. they, do.
and every time i think they never will.
i just realized this.
interesting how one day you realize all the misconceptions you live under & that drive your fears. & how disassociated they really are from reality...
February 18, 2009
bunny
i hate to admit it, but i'm entering my bunny phase.
as in running.
wow, i sure have issues with staying around. my friends tell me to take deep breaths & not keep obsessing & just wait & see what happens.
me, i'm busy looking for the escape root (lol, what a pun) from the garden of luv.
it's all very interesting to observe myself doing this. the minute any friction enters a r-ship, i'm all about running. the big question is just when, where & how fast.
the hardest thing for me to do right now is just sit & lick my feet. yes, that's what bunnies do, i suppose, when they're NOT running. that's what my cat does. maybe that's what little scared animals do to keep the mind off the fact that they might be dinner.
the funny thing is that of course, my bunny tendencies don't come up when i'm single. they only come up when - voila - there is something to run from.
off i go to lick my feet.
ugh. nasty. although luckily i just got a pedicure for v-day & i have cute little pink toes.
February 17, 2009
just sit there & stew
this concept of sitting with your feelings & just waiting to see what happens next is a totally new one for me. my feelings tend to scream "JUST DO IT!" and often doing anything is the worst thing at all. b/c usually when you feel that strongly, you don't know exactly what to do. or at least i don't. being relationship challenged & thinking that down is up.
so i'm sitting with my feelings & doing. absolutely. nothing.
tonite i'm gonna try not to think either (even harder than not doing!) so here comes a corona & some great mind-numbing tv & kitten-cuddling.
oh what a relief it is.
this concept of sitting with your feelings & just waiting to see what happens next is a totally new one for me. my feelings tend to scream "JUST DO IT!" and often doing anything is the worst thing at all. b/c usually when you feel that strongly, you don't know exactly what to do. or at least i don't. being relationship challenged & thinking that down is up.
so i'm sitting with my feelings & doing. absolutely. nothing.
tonite i'm gonna try not to think either (even harder than not doing!) so here comes a corona & some great mind-numbing tv & kitten-cuddling.
oh what a relief it is.