new.s

well, the new guy just left. mr. meetup.

i spent the day with him, or the latter part of it. had a great time. check out johnnie on the side's near the garden, and damn, you should go. it's amazing. johnnie showed us all around the stuff - including a rug from the oval office et. al. (he says.) it's amazing. anyhow, it was a reggae brunch. & the sox game was playing on a screen behind the band. reggae & redsox. you can't beat that!

am just kind of in a warm fuzzy. we watched kungfu panda & were cozy & i'm all a bit warmed up inside.

it's a cold world out there & he makes me feel warmer. as we were watching the movie, the thought came to me that he is good company.

i think i'll more of him. i know he plans to see more of me. we'll see...

i like.

super bangable

apparently i looked hot today. i was. it was nearly 80.

but anyway, this really normal-looking-skeezy-acting guy was looking me up & down in the store. and up and down. then he started muttering under his breath about how cute she is. then he ended up muttering how he wanted to bang the s*** outta me.

okayyyyyyyy.

musta been the aviator shades.

heck. mr. NY said the same thing. but at least he didn't freak me out doing it, not being a complete fricken stranger & skeezeball.

of course

my cap now wants to talk. he didn't come back on his own of course. i asked him for directions somewhere. & then when he gasp actually got my message (his excuse for not meeting up most of the time) i texted a short & sexy 'splanation about what kind of raincheck i was looking for last weekend. duh. then he says he wants to talk. of course.

but about what, i can't imagine. i let him know that i didn't want a conversation like last time where i ended up crying.

i just can't seem to let him go. so maybe we'll just have a fwb while i date other guys. which is what we were doing before he got pissy with me.

he has never yet said happy birthday to me & here it is a month later. i think he doesn't care about me. which is what i said last weekend. he apparently wants to EXPLAIN how much he does. right. actions buddy, actions.

so did i tell you? last weekend was the one where 3 guys made me cry. 2 criticized me, and one just blew me off (my cap) to meet with his friends instead. i called my supercute and smart half-neice who said, the ones who criticized you just like you. they either can't get you or you won't go out with them so their ego is responding. yup. pretty much it, from the context.

then my cat attacked me. he was pissed that i brought him inside. i now am letting him out on his own & he is much more loving now.

anyway, it has been a very frustrating week. it's taken me all week long to get over the 3 men & a mean kitty.

last night went on 2nd date with new guy i'm not sure about. we'll call him mr. meetup, cuz he leads a meetup group in the area.

i like mr. meetup but i'm not sure. the good things are that we're intellectually compatible and i tended to go on and on a bit, which is unusual for me. his voice though, i dunno. i'm huge on voices. i love a sexy voice. something big about that.

we'll see. i'll def meet again. at this point the fact that i'm not sure is probably a sign there is potential, lol. guys that i'm attracted to seem to be, uh, not good guys. so there you have it.

why i'm truly single, lol.

my wedding vows

yes, i've written them early. just now in fact. so that when the time comes i'll have one less thing to do...

Groom, do you take Bride to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage so long as you both live near where you work?

Do you promise to do what she wants so she feels like you love her, comfort her when the Patriots or RedSox are not playing, honor her mother and her nasty cat, and keep her happy while getting richer (not poorer), in your sickness and her health. And forsaking all others that she knows about, keep up the appearance of being faithful only to her...

So long as you both shall happily live, or for the next 7 years, whichever comes first?

----------------------------------------------------

Bride, do you take Groom to be your wedded husband, to live together in marriage so long as you both live near where YOU work?

Do you promise to love him when he is being loving to you, comfort him when his sports teams lose, honor the in-laws and his big smelly dog, and keep him satisfied in bed whether he does the same for you or not, in better or in worse economic crises, even though you might be richer with alimony than poorer being married, in your sickness and his health. And forsaking most others, be faithful only to him as far as everyone knows...

So long as you both shall happily live, or for the next 7 years, whichever comes first?

new guy

so a poll for my readers. you can comment if you like.

so if you meet a new somebody, & something about them annoys you, does it

a) get better
b) go away

in this case, it's a super nice new guy, divorced, french-canadian from maine. seems to be smart, but just good laid off, poor guy. has a house. 40ish. good conversationalist.

except, isn't what i ususually date in a guy. not as masculine, very analytical. tends to analyze, rather than summarize. hard to explain.

so i'll try. so we show up at the restaurant. there is a wait so we go to the bar. the reason we went to this restaurant was so that we could have this particular european beer. that, and i love the restaurant. so the beer is not available. and he reads the menu. the beer menu. for a long time. a long time. a very long time. i mean we're interacting & all, but i'm like hmmm. ok.

i'm standing here, ready to talk. but he's not. so i remember what i am learning in the conferences about transition time. so i think, oh, he's still transitioning to being here. drinking whatever.

so he gets his beer & doesn't like it. he gets another beer later & doesn't like it. finally at the end of the night i decide for him that he DOESN'T like beer, so time to find something new. even if it is a girlie drink.

i guess i was just feeling a bit ignored. that, and i like a guy who knows what he wants. and doesn't settle & then complain about it. indecision is one of my traits. i don't seek it in a partner.

however, he is an analyst, like me. so there are two of us to analyze. hmmm.

so anyway, i had this first date with him (2nd time we've hung out) and i didn't come back energized. is that a bad sign? i mean i just think about being with my cap & i'm all happy & fulfilled even if we're not dating.

i'm not sure if it is being with someone new also. it just takes so much energy. answering questions. i hate answering questions. i like to just BE.

he sent me a sweet e-card at the end of the date...it was nice. i'm sure i'll see him again. he wants to go dancing but i don't really (???) i'd rather grab drinks again. i feel like much energy goes out and not much in.

is this just me being super picky? hmmm.

nothing to live for

what is there to live for when you come home alone every night?

i'm so lonely.

family

...has been in town. so i haven't really seen anyone lately...

miss my guys!!

and around we go

so of course i've decided to keep my cap in my life.

so he just wants to be fwb, oh well. i was better off dating other people anyway & keeping him as a backup.

there is something about him that just is adventurous. i don't know, i like. i don't ever know what's going to happen with him & it's really cool. & i'm ok with that.

he said he still wants to be friends. i was like, but only if you care about me. i mean, dude. and still, i will get upset if you don't call sometimes. how will you handle that.

he's so worried about how will i handle being friends. how will he handle being the type of friend that i want? that was my question back...

i'm still hearing from mr. 5-years ago. little flirtation here & there. mom is in town so not really seeing anyone. but hmmm. i just don't get that sense of adventure though with him.

i dunno. not so sure i can give that up. the jerk really was interesting to interact with all the time, you never knew what would happen next. obviously. lol. so maybe let's dial it down a bit from running off without warning, so my cap is that. on the other end is mr. 5-years ago. predictable in some ways.

i'm afraid of that. or afraid of getting bored with it. do i even want to date one guy? i'm thinking...

the conference this weekend was fantastic. it really put in my head a vision of what kind of loving relationship is possible. i mean people had stories of them being sick & guys helping them. i don't get sick. guys help me with my computer. no save the world thing. but hmmm. i'm missing out on a lot, so it sounds.

although, women do tend to tell the best & leave the worst out. except for me. i do it the other way around.

for example, i will tell you how upset my cap makes me when he just wants to be friends blah blah blah. but do i tell you how i yell at him out of the blue & this really upsets him? yup. that's a big problem with me & guys.

so my new goal is not to get really upset around them. it really turns them off. or i mean, not get really upset AT them.

ok, we'll see how well i do...

open space

there is this thing in the conferences i'm going to about creating space.

so excited.

now that my ex-cap didn't want that space he held in my heart, i can give it to someone else. or keep it for me.

i am so thankful. he freed up not only that space, but my guilt.

i realized, as i told him today in a text, i always blamed myself for us not getting along. now i realize that i will be able to get along with a guy that really loves me!

exhaling.

never make assumptions...

So I finally got it figured out. This is interesting because it shows the assumptions you make sometimes that are so far off!

I thought my cap didn't want to date me again because we didn't get along. So in my reasoning, if that improved, things might change. So I was focusing on getting along.

I didn't realize he didn't have feelings for me. In which case he has no interest in getting along!

Which is why we had a fight. He was trying to cut things off.

I had a thing on FB but took it down that said I finally realized when you're not getting along with someone but you're trying, it's because they don't want to.

Funny how you make assumptions & then find out you're all wrong!

done

well that's it.

the man that makes me happiest in the world - doesn't even want to date me.

how ironic.

he thinks f*ing, kissing, going out to dinner, movies, etc. all is fine if we are friends. but dating? no.

i have too many faults for that. which he didn't even want to go down the list over.

showing that indeed, there was a list.

where do i find these guys? i know them for years and all they see is my weaknesses.

i deleted him from facebook & made my myspace private.

that's the end.