chasing my tail

i feel like i keep going around in circles. my posts are all the same.

i like this guy.
no i don't.
i am leaving.
wait.
i miss him.
um, [dials the phone]
he comes back.
wait.
he is dating someone else.
i'm not hearing from him.
i miss him.
um [dials the phone]
he comes back.

rinse.
repeat.

now the question is, why is this happening & should i try to stop it? my friends tell me to get counseling but i had 3 counselors over the past few years & they all depressed the he** out of ME. i didn't get anywhere. maybe somewhere but gees. once someone starts blaming my religion for my issues, we have a problem.

news flash. i am not in a cult. therefore, it is not my religion that is the problem.

back to the topic.

i keep going in circles for a reason. because i can't stand to lose people i really like. so i try everything i can to make things work, but i change my mind all the time so the guys are like WTH? but still, they know i like them and they like me, so we keep trying to make something work. even friendship.

i called my father on father's day. i didn't enjoy the call. but i did my duty. the root cause of my problems with men, it's like drinking at the spring of poison. but it is also trying to forgive and move on. i am responsible for my decisions, he is not. so taking responsibility also means - doing just that. so i am grown up.

and sad.

what do you do. i guess in my case, call up one of my guys and keep chasing my tail. at least, i have a beautiful and tasty tail.

some would call that a nice a**.

:)

just amazing

today i met up with mr. NY again. of course he is now living here in boston, with a GF if you forget my tortuously long history with him.

i haven't seen him since he moved here because, to my relief, he is not a cheater. so he has avoided seeing me. i therefore was not a bit surprised that when he finally wanted to meet up months later he is thinking of ending things with her.

i just like him so much but realize there isn't really intellectual compatibility. so i have that with mr. meetup. but just can't stand the annoying controlling thing.

it seems i will give up compatibility for liking someone. not that it matters. it's not like mr. NY will want to start dating me anyway. he is younger and here i am going kid-crazy. or lack of kid-crazy.

but there is something about just really liking someone and seeing them again that is so happy.

along that line, of course i realized i can neither live with nor without my cap. so i probably will see him again too, on his terms of course, because being a cap, those are the only terms there are. but like mr. NY, there is something very fundamental that i like about him. and - he makes me very happy.

so i don't know what to do but keep seeing the people that make me happy and keep hoping that i could get happy & someone my age in the same package, but that is seeming less and less likely.

what do you do. make hay while the sun shines.

which, because i live in the northeast never happens, any more than finding "a guy that i want to date who also wants to date me" does.

so saddened...

by the deaths of ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett and michael jackson. michael's nanny was my college class mate and friend on facebook, but she unfriended me, so i sent regards via a message. poor thing.

we weren't close, and i suspect i was not conservative enough for her tastes, but hopefully it was another reason. i don't know.

in any case, i had an odd thought today that i am getting a tiny little glimpse of what my 101 year old grandma felt like. she told me once when she was 100 years old probably, that nobody she grew up with or new when she was young was still alive, except for one friend. to watch a lifetime of people die, while you live must be a form of torture.

this is why god ordained that when sin entered the world, we should die. can you imagine living forever with sin and death? it is just awful. i know sometimes that when i am in a lot of pain and depressed that i don't want to live anymore, and i understand how welcome death is sometimes. so much so that you can now go to die in the state of michigan by choice.

and this is a blessing to some.

controller

well, i finally identified the annoying factor about mr. meetup.

sadly.

i so didn't want to find anything wrong with him. such good company he is! he came over last night & we made mac & cheese & watched the devil wears prada. he brought my favorite wine. we curled up with the cat. how else do you spell cozy & companionable?


and then he had to comment, twice, on whether or not i closed the windows when i turned the heat on. when i was in the process of closing them. and then he had to comment on was i going to let the mac & cheese cool when we brought it out of the oven.

HUH?

what am i, 5?

this is why i didn't get back with my ex last year, in part. the one who wanted to marry me. nothing i did was right. i didn't load my groceries in the back of the car right (yes, true, bad me), i left the 4th of july stuff in the bag on the kitchen floor for 2 days until the 4th, i didn't park in the right place when we were walking to the train.

deja vu.

so i will have to friend mr. meetup. sadly. available, emotionally compatible, whatever.

the last thing i can be is controlled. i have just decided - it is worse than being ignored. which i thought was the worst thing ever for me. no. control is.

dammit.

i also realized that when he was kissing me, he wasn't giving, he was taking. it just wasn't sexy. maybe i'm too used to seduction, not having been married & just going for it when you want. or maybe i'm used to guys giving. yes, that's it. i date givers. not takers.

again, dammit.

another one bites the dust.

legislative hearings & me

in other non-men-related news, my research has been used twice now for testimony in legislative hearings on capital hill. for two different topics...

the first time the lobbyist didn't give my company credit. but this time, my company and recent study were named.

very chuffed about that.

take 2

my sister, of all people, convinced me to give mr. meetup another try. so since i have no real reason not to, i've decided to take her advice and see, uh, how open he is to suggestion.

i know men don't like to be changed, but - i really want to be with an equal. at least in looks and posture.

so today i sent him an e-mail, saying i was shopping online yesterday and thought of you. this look would be really sexy on you. and i sent him of a picture of a way cool outfit from banana. we'll see what he says. if nothing, i know it's a closed subject. if he is open to it, i can work with this.

but really. i don't dress like a granola girl. i read vogue. and i don't dress like it, but i do try to incorporate current trends into my wardrobe. like neon. right now i'm looking for a neon wallet and i can't believe i can't find one! i also am trying to figure out how to incorporate the leggings look without buying all new shirts. hmmm. anyhow, i do make an effort to look sexy, professional and give a nod to passing fads. i need a guy who is classic sexy.

we'll see how he does with that.

nice vs. weak

i am having to let a "nice guy" go. because he is just annoying me. i mean really. i've thought more & talked to my mom about this, who interestingly enough, has recently had the same experience with a guy.

you wonder, why can't i like them! it would make so much sense to like them! but then - you don't.

i was pondering just now why women supposedly don't like nice guys. that's a myth actually. we do like nice guys.

the thing is, we don't like WEAK guys. and nice guys often don't want to offend us (even when we might need putting in our place) so they aren't even as strong as we are.

now here's the logic. if a guy can't even save me from myself, how will he protect me from anything else? yeah. that's it.

along that line i'm still trading texts with my cap. i sent him a drunk booty call text the other night & he was like i'm not going to drop everything with my friends & come over just cuz you want to...

which hurt my feelings. of course. but heck, it's not like i didn't see his point. why i continue to interact with him is a mystery but it proves my point. he's not nice sometimes, like i'd like him to be, but he's not mean either. he's just pointing out the obvious. and - he's not being weak. so even though i don't like his conclusion, i respect it.

so i guess it's all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i can't respect weak guys, nice or not.

hmmm

well i just got back from going out with mr. meetup again. and i'm super confused. and annoyed.

i can't put my finger on it, but something just really annoys me. well, i can identify a couple things but they don't seem concrete enough to create this high level of annoyance. sometimes it's just really hard to identify what you are feeling. and why.

but today, definitely, he morphed from a possibility to a friend in my head. i just don't see romantic involvement. and i'm not sure why.

he is good company, i can hang with him, he is nice & smart. he cares about me. i just don't know what it is. whatever IT is, i don't feel it.

i need to think some more. i will be away next weekend so i won't have the chance to meetup for a couple weeks again. by then i should know...

i feigned wanting to take a nap b/c i just wanted to get dropped off & be home by myself. on a saturday night. with no other plans.

uhoh, that doesn't sound too good.

new.s

well, the new guy just left. mr. meetup.

i spent the day with him, or the latter part of it. had a great time. check out johnnie on the side's near the garden, and damn, you should go. it's amazing. johnnie showed us all around the stuff - including a rug from the oval office et. al. (he says.) it's amazing. anyhow, it was a reggae brunch. & the sox game was playing on a screen behind the band. reggae & redsox. you can't beat that!

am just kind of in a warm fuzzy. we watched kungfu panda & were cozy & i'm all a bit warmed up inside.

it's a cold world out there & he makes me feel warmer. as we were watching the movie, the thought came to me that he is good company.

i think i'll more of him. i know he plans to see more of me. we'll see...

i like.

super bangable

apparently i looked hot today. i was. it was nearly 80.

but anyway, this really normal-looking-skeezy-acting guy was looking me up & down in the store. and up and down. then he started muttering under his breath about how cute she is. then he ended up muttering how he wanted to bang the s*** outta me.

okayyyyyyyy.

musta been the aviator shades.

heck. mr. NY said the same thing. but at least he didn't freak me out doing it, not being a complete fricken stranger & skeezeball.

of course

my cap now wants to talk. he didn't come back on his own of course. i asked him for directions somewhere. & then when he gasp actually got my message (his excuse for not meeting up most of the time) i texted a short & sexy 'splanation about what kind of raincheck i was looking for last weekend. duh. then he says he wants to talk. of course.

but about what, i can't imagine. i let him know that i didn't want a conversation like last time where i ended up crying.

i just can't seem to let him go. so maybe we'll just have a fwb while i date other guys. which is what we were doing before he got pissy with me.

he has never yet said happy birthday to me & here it is a month later. i think he doesn't care about me. which is what i said last weekend. he apparently wants to EXPLAIN how much he does. right. actions buddy, actions.

so did i tell you? last weekend was the one where 3 guys made me cry. 2 criticized me, and one just blew me off (my cap) to meet with his friends instead. i called my supercute and smart half-neice who said, the ones who criticized you just like you. they either can't get you or you won't go out with them so their ego is responding. yup. pretty much it, from the context.

then my cat attacked me. he was pissed that i brought him inside. i now am letting him out on his own & he is much more loving now.

anyway, it has been a very frustrating week. it's taken me all week long to get over the 3 men & a mean kitty.

last night went on 2nd date with new guy i'm not sure about. we'll call him mr. meetup, cuz he leads a meetup group in the area.

i like mr. meetup but i'm not sure. the good things are that we're intellectually compatible and i tended to go on and on a bit, which is unusual for me. his voice though, i dunno. i'm huge on voices. i love a sexy voice. something big about that.

we'll see. i'll def meet again. at this point the fact that i'm not sure is probably a sign there is potential, lol. guys that i'm attracted to seem to be, uh, not good guys. so there you have it.

why i'm truly single, lol.