and we have...NOT reached our destination. or any for that matter...

just when i think i've gotten somewhere, i find myself two steps back. my frustration with men continues. i wonder if it will ever end. i think not.

so the online guy that i spent the 4th with didn't show. just in case, i texted him a week later (yesterday, showing remarkable restraint for me) saying i enjoyed hanging out with him. he responded immediately that he felt the same, would love to see me again, and he couldn't wait to get off the dating site. so i invited him to the tall ships yesterday. he sent a nice response, baby shower, gig he is playing, he could try to get out of it. i said, nah good to keep your gigs have fun.

nothing since.

so unless he is unseasonably busy, nothing is going to come of this guy.

in the meantime, the cute (27 YO) german friend of my friend seems to like me. he's been at about 3 things that i've done with my friend lately and he is new to town. he went with me to see the tall ships again. and i am very amused by his stories. he's well-traveled and interesting and likes to talk. i like to listen, so that works fine. he's also asking a lot of questions about me which leads me to believe he likes me.

when i asked my friend about him a few days ago, she said oh no, he's too young for you. yes, he even exceeds my 10-year limit. so i didn't even consider him more than a friend. but i'm curious. he mentioned visiting the aquarium about 4 times and i think he wanted me to say i'd go with him. so i said i would. (he's a diver.)

i guess you just go with what IS sometimes, rather than what you WISH would be. all the time i was with him i was thinking about the other guy & wondering if he'd show up again.

but oh well. i really am wondering why i can't seem to be in a r-ship so at this point, i'm not sure i want to be so picky.

life is sure strange. for me, anyway...

the more the merrier

as the laws of attraction go, the guy i like hasn't shown up again, so i've responded to nearly every guy that wrote to me on POF. what the heck. i ended up liking this guy & thought i wouldn't so i'll give it a try.

going to see the tall ships today. should be fun. :) sunny weather, yea.

might end up with a POF date, we'll see.

movin' right along...

last night in a drunk moment i wrote mr. NY a pissed off e-mail saying if you didn't feel the need to lie to me (about the status of our non-relationship) i might still be seeing you. do you really think women like to hear s***? he'll probably be pissed, and good. months of not being able to tell me the truth, that he didn't want to date me.

at last my ex-cap told me the truth.

grrrr. annoyed.

new guy

so i met a new guy. we'll call him New Guy.

met him online, POF.com. he's - shockingly - my age. normal. cool. nice. we've met up exactly twice. day before the 4th, and the 4th with my friends.

i am in like. serious like.

for one thing, he is super affectionate like my (ex)cap, but cares about me. unlike my (ex)cap. he is also smart like mr. ny. but doesn't treat me dismissively as he does.

yeah i know, i figured this all out in 2 dates. yes. but that's ok. this guy may not come back again (although he didn't say he'd call, which is a good sign) but even if he doesn't, he reminded me - sweet, cool guys exist.

i don't need to go round & round in circles chasing my tail to find them.

ah.

now we wait [taps fingers on table...]

revelation

so blogging is good. i just realized the main theme...

1) i can't make up my mind
2) i get pissed at everyone i date

guys don't leave me, i actually leave them first. or i get bored. or annoyed.

i can't remember a time when i was seriously in love OR like with someone and they left. i either left first or told them we shouldn't date exclusively anymore or had already gotten bored but didn't want to admit it - and then they left. if i hadn't already.

this even happened with the jerk. i was the one who questioned long-term (rightfully so).

so the guys that stay in my life actually like me. they just don't commit in general. or - i have gotten upset and wishy-washy with them about whether we should be together or not.

i haven't met any other women with this kind of pattern. most women i know get stuck in r-ships and can't get out. me, i can't seem to stay in.

but still. i have never regretted. there is no guy since my childhood that i wish i were with, because for all of them, i would have given up part of myself. for one moved to another country. for another, not gone to grad school. for yet another, moved out of state & left my job. should i go on?

as it is, i am whole.

single, but not in pieces.

now the question is, how to merge this whole piece of me with somebody else. yes, i'm working on that...

it's called legos. i have great legs. so i just need the 0's.

(hee hee)

chasing my tail

i feel like i keep going around in circles. my posts are all the same.

i like this guy.
no i don't.
i am leaving.
wait.
i miss him.
um, [dials the phone]
he comes back.
wait.
he is dating someone else.
i'm not hearing from him.
i miss him.
um [dials the phone]
he comes back.

rinse.
repeat.

now the question is, why is this happening & should i try to stop it? my friends tell me to get counseling but i had 3 counselors over the past few years & they all depressed the he** out of ME. i didn't get anywhere. maybe somewhere but gees. once someone starts blaming my religion for my issues, we have a problem.

news flash. i am not in a cult. therefore, it is not my religion that is the problem.

back to the topic.

i keep going in circles for a reason. because i can't stand to lose people i really like. so i try everything i can to make things work, but i change my mind all the time so the guys are like WTH? but still, they know i like them and they like me, so we keep trying to make something work. even friendship.

i called my father on father's day. i didn't enjoy the call. but i did my duty. the root cause of my problems with men, it's like drinking at the spring of poison. but it is also trying to forgive and move on. i am responsible for my decisions, he is not. so taking responsibility also means - doing just that. so i am grown up.

and sad.

what do you do. i guess in my case, call up one of my guys and keep chasing my tail. at least, i have a beautiful and tasty tail.

some would call that a nice a**.

:)

just amazing

today i met up with mr. NY again. of course he is now living here in boston, with a GF if you forget my tortuously long history with him.

i haven't seen him since he moved here because, to my relief, he is not a cheater. so he has avoided seeing me. i therefore was not a bit surprised that when he finally wanted to meet up months later he is thinking of ending things with her.

i just like him so much but realize there isn't really intellectual compatibility. so i have that with mr. meetup. but just can't stand the annoying controlling thing.

it seems i will give up compatibility for liking someone. not that it matters. it's not like mr. NY will want to start dating me anyway. he is younger and here i am going kid-crazy. or lack of kid-crazy.

but there is something about just really liking someone and seeing them again that is so happy.

along that line, of course i realized i can neither live with nor without my cap. so i probably will see him again too, on his terms of course, because being a cap, those are the only terms there are. but like mr. NY, there is something very fundamental that i like about him. and - he makes me very happy.

so i don't know what to do but keep seeing the people that make me happy and keep hoping that i could get happy & someone my age in the same package, but that is seeming less and less likely.

what do you do. make hay while the sun shines.

which, because i live in the northeast never happens, any more than finding "a guy that i want to date who also wants to date me" does.

so saddened...

by the deaths of ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett and michael jackson. michael's nanny was my college class mate and friend on facebook, but she unfriended me, so i sent regards via a message. poor thing.

we weren't close, and i suspect i was not conservative enough for her tastes, but hopefully it was another reason. i don't know.

in any case, i had an odd thought today that i am getting a tiny little glimpse of what my 101 year old grandma felt like. she told me once when she was 100 years old probably, that nobody she grew up with or new when she was young was still alive, except for one friend. to watch a lifetime of people die, while you live must be a form of torture.

this is why god ordained that when sin entered the world, we should die. can you imagine living forever with sin and death? it is just awful. i know sometimes that when i am in a lot of pain and depressed that i don't want to live anymore, and i understand how welcome death is sometimes. so much so that you can now go to die in the state of michigan by choice.

and this is a blessing to some.

controller

well, i finally identified the annoying factor about mr. meetup.

sadly.

i so didn't want to find anything wrong with him. such good company he is! he came over last night & we made mac & cheese & watched the devil wears prada. he brought my favorite wine. we curled up with the cat. how else do you spell cozy & companionable?


and then he had to comment, twice, on whether or not i closed the windows when i turned the heat on. when i was in the process of closing them. and then he had to comment on was i going to let the mac & cheese cool when we brought it out of the oven.

HUH?

what am i, 5?

this is why i didn't get back with my ex last year, in part. the one who wanted to marry me. nothing i did was right. i didn't load my groceries in the back of the car right (yes, true, bad me), i left the 4th of july stuff in the bag on the kitchen floor for 2 days until the 4th, i didn't park in the right place when we were walking to the train.

deja vu.

so i will have to friend mr. meetup. sadly. available, emotionally compatible, whatever.

the last thing i can be is controlled. i have just decided - it is worse than being ignored. which i thought was the worst thing ever for me. no. control is.

dammit.

i also realized that when he was kissing me, he wasn't giving, he was taking. it just wasn't sexy. maybe i'm too used to seduction, not having been married & just going for it when you want. or maybe i'm used to guys giving. yes, that's it. i date givers. not takers.

again, dammit.

another one bites the dust.

legislative hearings & me

in other non-men-related news, my research has been used twice now for testimony in legislative hearings on capital hill. for two different topics...

the first time the lobbyist didn't give my company credit. but this time, my company and recent study were named.

very chuffed about that.

take 2

my sister, of all people, convinced me to give mr. meetup another try. so since i have no real reason not to, i've decided to take her advice and see, uh, how open he is to suggestion.

i know men don't like to be changed, but - i really want to be with an equal. at least in looks and posture.

so today i sent him an e-mail, saying i was shopping online yesterday and thought of you. this look would be really sexy on you. and i sent him of a picture of a way cool outfit from banana. we'll see what he says. if nothing, i know it's a closed subject. if he is open to it, i can work with this.

but really. i don't dress like a granola girl. i read vogue. and i don't dress like it, but i do try to incorporate current trends into my wardrobe. like neon. right now i'm looking for a neon wallet and i can't believe i can't find one! i also am trying to figure out how to incorporate the leggings look without buying all new shirts. hmmm. anyhow, i do make an effort to look sexy, professional and give a nod to passing fads. i need a guy who is classic sexy.

we'll see how he does with that.

nice vs. weak

i am having to let a "nice guy" go. because he is just annoying me. i mean really. i've thought more & talked to my mom about this, who interestingly enough, has recently had the same experience with a guy.

you wonder, why can't i like them! it would make so much sense to like them! but then - you don't.

i was pondering just now why women supposedly don't like nice guys. that's a myth actually. we do like nice guys.

the thing is, we don't like WEAK guys. and nice guys often don't want to offend us (even when we might need putting in our place) so they aren't even as strong as we are.

now here's the logic. if a guy can't even save me from myself, how will he protect me from anything else? yeah. that's it.

along that line i'm still trading texts with my cap. i sent him a drunk booty call text the other night & he was like i'm not going to drop everything with my friends & come over just cuz you want to...

which hurt my feelings. of course. but heck, it's not like i didn't see his point. why i continue to interact with him is a mystery but it proves my point. he's not nice sometimes, like i'd like him to be, but he's not mean either. he's just pointing out the obvious. and - he's not being weak. so even though i don't like his conclusion, i respect it.

so i guess it's all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i can't respect weak guys, nice or not.