...it's raining men...

well, ok. it's raining anyway. and this blog is about men. i mean - me. but anyway.

i have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. in the past i pdf'd a bunch of it. i went to do the same just now but doesn't seem to work well. hmmm. anyhow. the pdf program is at work so that would be a little awkward to get seen.

i thought about taking it down. i feel it has lived its usefulness. and i thought i was happily ensconsed in a relationship. finally.

until this week! this week, after 6 months of seeing my new guy, i am suddenly claustrophobic. yes. that's a surprise. right? yeah, right.

so i guess here i am back writing again as i struggle with my own r-ship angst.

not that we're IN one.

i set it up to be non-exclusive. which is all well and good. except that we went on a cruise together, and now are going away again for the 3rd time. and we see each other on weekends. and during the week. so it's some sort of something.

so maybe i will actually write in this blog more. i dunno. privacy being what it is, and all, i wasn't really excited about the idea of the whole world (of the 5 people that might care) learning all about my history. there's some pretty personal stuff on here. but then. i just read ben franklin's auto-biography. that's pretty personal too.

hmmmmm.

and. for those two readers i have, i thank you! i would like to think my experience might have some sort of echo in the hearts & minds of my readers. nobody has all the answers & sometimes just realizing you're not alone - which is a big need the WWW fulfills - makes online blogging worth it.

so in the meantime, the blog is in limbo. we will see what we will see...

it does come up first though, in google, when you google the title. so. heck. progress.

:)

it's raining progress.

long-time no write

well, i've been in absentia for a while.

things have been good. i decided not to jinx them.

however. hmmm. a girl sometimes needs a blog...

i started dating this new guy. still am. have a trip planned. and got in a major fight again tonite.

so already this is huge. first potential boyfriend since 2006?! but still. i am not committing. i am waiting to see what transpires...for good reason i guess.

like i said, i have week-long intl. trip planned. and we got in a fight tonite.

now i am thinking how nice it was to be alone. i mean, i fight with myself sometimes, but usually i win. and usually only my cat notices...

hmmm.

anyhow. i am back...for better or for worse.

uhoh. that sounds like marraige vows. hmmm. again. hmmmm.
i see that as revenge...

A word in time...

saves mine. Brain.

Check this out...from an articulate and soulful blogger.

la la la

well, i am singing "la la la" like babe today (you know, to the tune of jingle bells...)

i decided to brave my fears and actually have a conversation with mr. india about whether he would choose/defend me to his mom. while he didn't say he was going to tell her anything since of course there is nothing to tell after 1 month, he made it very clear that it was his choice who he was going to spend his life with. she hadn't been able to introduce him to anyone yet that interested him, and it was his life.

given that he's a scorpio, and has never lived in india, i actually have some level of confidence that he would stand up for me if it made sense.

the thing is though, one of the qualifications he said he was looking for in a successful relationship was that it be practical. yeah, i can't really see where marrying an older white woman would be practical. that's the antithesis of practical.

it does also tie into what i was doing this weekend - attending another understandmen.com conference - men & marriage. one of the 12 things men look for is "a safe future" with a girl. yeah. i don't think i'd make that possible. or practical. nice as i am, i am not good marriage material for him.

which brings up the question of if i want to be married anyway. it's a lot of work. i dunno. i might like the advantages, but i don't like feeling less than, and i see a whole lot of less than with a younger indian guy. as i am less than ideal.

right now though, all i have to go on is my trust in his integrity that he is doing what is right for him and me at the moment, and that he will continue to do so. if what is right for him becomes what's wrong for me, then he will have the integrity to do that also, and that will be that. that's the way life is. men choose their partners based on practicality. i'm not that. at all. but heck.

why would i walk away just in case? i've done that so many times. this guy makes my life better in so many ways - which he has been doing from the minute i met him - and cutting off my nose to spite my face seems such a waste.

maybe i can just do it later?

in the meantime i should stop talking about it. everyone tell me basically i'm crazy to believe that he would choose me over his mother and tradition. i think they're right.

but do i want to be right or happy?

yeah.

"la la la..."

that about says it all.

performance anxiety

oh. big revelation! i just figured out why i get so anxious.

i get performance anxiety about relationships. just like i do about every other area of my life.

OMG. freaky.

i noticed once a long time ago that when i was really anxious but acted normal and confident with uh, mr. cap (#1) that he was very happy and smiling. when i was anxious he reflected that.

you never get up and show your anxiety on stage. you pretend you are the bomb. and i am good at that.

so tonite i invited mr. smart over for bamboo. (i called him a panda, lol.) friends or not, it's a confident kickass thing to do. it shows i'm confident & treating him like the other guys he knows i have over for dinner.

what he does with the invitation is his business. mine is remaining confident (urgh) and if not controlling, hiding my anxiety. i'll nev be able to fix it. i never have in any other area. i just get better at everything & work through it.

time to manage my anxiety in relationships - like i do when i go on stage.

what a breakthru.

will you fight for me?

based on my recent interchanges with mr. smart (indian guy) i decided to send him a text letting him know that if he wouldn't be able to stand up for me with his mom (because i'm older and non-indian) that we needed to downgrade to friends.

i deleted him from my phone and i expect i won't hear from him again. i would actually be shocked if he shows up again. i've made it clear, by mentioning it about 3 times, that rejection from his family concerns me. and since i am VERY in like with him, it is already a hard fall to disentagle myself after one month of dating him. i can't imagine having to get over him later.

of course, we could have broken up naturally. or not. i don't know. but i don't want my heart to be played with by someone i really like who has no intention of sharing me with his family or standing up for me.

his friend is afraid to stand up to his mother over what i suspect is an indian woman, and if mr. smart isn't gonna do that, i need to know now.

i'm very sad today as i loved his company. but i don't have much heart left anymore, losing it all the time when i break up with people. what little left i have, i need to keep intact. and not have it get busted up by somebody who might think i'm not worth fighting for...

boo hoo. i hate this.

hmmm

i've been reading over posts from lost in lobsterland. princess b writes such thoughtful posts about her life. ones that people want to read.

me, i write about what bothers me. such as things people don't want to read. oh well. such as it is.

my blog is about dating, not about the rest of my life that is going well.

if i were princess b, i would write about my cozy cat, who is obsessed with attention since i'm not home much lately, and sitting between my arms as i type, watching both the computer screen and the keyboard intermittently. this is because both are moving and he likes moving objects. aka mice.

he is cuddly nowdays, having outgrown some of his kitten angst. i still have to lock him outside my bedroom at night because he decides to wake up mid-night, when i am not. this is because of course he sleeps all day long on my bed. which i am not.

but i am not princess b so i don't write cute things, regrettably. i just go read hers, lol, about ru.

i write about my angst with boyz.

my new boy, mr. smart, is in ny. i wouldn't say i've been good while he is gone, as i took mr. iraqi out for his birthday in an impromptu dinner. etc. etc. but hey. we're not in a r-ship. at least until mr. smart decides he wants one and will show up often enough to keep me away from other men.

he is proving to be helpful though. even when he is sick. i like a smart guy that can think on his feet, even when he is off them.

well, i'm off to bed now and to confess something to someone. oh yes. this is my confessional. well, i've nothing to feel bad about, just odd. i am having a very hard time being alone at night.

the former mr. ny wants to come over, and my sax boy would. when i don't have company i tend to seek it nowdays. as i should. i'm 40 and not married. i haven't had all those years to get sick of someone.

however, i still value mr. smart. i had an interchange with him on text where i said, oh, did i text the wrong hot guy? he said, are there others? and i replied? that depends...in any case... blah blah blah.

he's a bright boy. i don't have to tell him what that depends means. he likes to be in control. if he wants to control where i go and who i see, he can step up. otherwise, as i said, there will be others. sad but true.

after all these years, i no longer chase or get involved with only one guy. that seems to lead only to heartbreak. instead i spread the love and that seems to work much better for me.

me. the girl who had 6 boyfriends when she was 6.

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

lonely

i am so lonely tonite. i don't want to be alone. i tried a couple people, they were busy. new boy? is out of town.

i thought of calling up my, uh, standbys, but they only come over for one reason.

and new boy? tends to text every night wondering what i am up to.

so i am in a quandary.

supposing he and i get into a r-ship, he lives an hour away. if he doesn't want to meet up a couple times a week (which it seems is not on the agenda yet) then i want company. i live alone, duh. of course i want to hang out with someone.

and then, that means the only people that want to hang with me on a regular basis are - my guys.

if i am lonely, i will get resentful. if i keep seeing them, i'm afraid of losing him.

what to do. i don't know.

i am not used to having limitations on my behavior. especially self-imposed ones. but i'm afraid if i just keep doing what i have been, he's gonna think i just play the field & am not interested in settling down. i already know these guys don't want anything more from me, so there is nothing to be hurt by me just not seeing them for a while until i know where things stand with new guy?. but then. i am home. alone.

which is right back where we started from.

girls do not like to hang out. my girlfriends i see rarely, like every 2 weeks or 2 months. except for my neighbor here, who has her whole group of friends.

the only people i hang with is my guys, and i finally got to a point where i am all set with enough of them that chances are one guy will want to come over.

and then i meet new guy?. monkeywrench. i really do want to wait and see what will happen but he hasn't asked me to be exclusive. in fact, i'm the one acting like we are.

i'm afraid i'll screw this up...

so far i'm doing ok. he said i was a sweetheart last night and so far, i haven't done anything (like an emotional outburst that i am famous for) to make him think otherwise. but he is a scorpio, and very discerning about my behavior. let's just say he will know what i am up to, because i don't lie and he asks questions.

i guess i should just assume we are in a r-ship and see if it works for me. after all, i want him. it's only been 1 month, 2 more to go until i see if he's for real, according to sax boy whose opinion i believe.

so the question is can i be voluntarily lonely for 2 more months - thru christmas - until i see where things are going? well, i guess mom will be here for a few weeks of it, and i will be going out of town, and there is the holidays. maybe i can hang in there until the new year. actually, valentines' day, specifically, i will know what he thinks.

no guy that has been in like/love with me has ignored valentines day. they have all shown very clearly where they stand. which means that i've gotten exactly one set of flowers/cards from my ex-boyfriend who ultimately wanted to marry me. the rest just tried to pretend the day didn't exist. as you recall, the disappearing doctor didn't even take me out to dinner.

so yes, i guess the stress test for this guy will be v-day. that will be 3 months and by then i should know whether not hanging with these guys is worth it.

if - we even make it until then...

how do they do it?

those people in relationships? how do they get in them?!

i'm at that uncomfortable not-sure-what-we're-doing-but-i'm-acting-like-it's-going-somewhere phase. with mr. india, who is going to counsel a friend today whose parents want him to break off his engagement.

exactly the reason i'm hesitant to date mr. india in the first place. but then this is after...i'm already addicted.

urgh.

since i can't talk myself into dating him, logically, i'm trying to talk myself out of it instead.

but then he just shows up sweet & nice & i lose it.

fortunately all the guys in the past have been good training for this & i am actually able to maintain my self-confidence. or working on it.

but it's tough. self-confidence in uncertainty is most important - and most difficult.

gobble gobble

i'm feeling gobble gobble-y. happy t-day everyone!

just got the shopping done and didn't have to wait in line at the store for more than 2 minutes. wow. great staffing.

so update on events.

i don't remember where i left off anymore!

sax boy is still in my life. he's turned into a fill-in guy, which is just great. you can read between the lines on that | | lol. and a great friend who gives me advice on other guys. who can ask for more from a friend. a full-service package, lol.

romantically, i met this Iraqi guy that i really liked online (28) and we dated for a bit. i had to shift it to friends however, due to a number of things that i won't elaborate on. he doesn't like that idea. but he just texted happy t-day. and asked me who i'm spending the day with. i haven't answered yet...

...because...

i'm spending it with the guy i met the night that mr. iraqi wouldn't go out. yes, he wouldn't go out on halloween so i went out dressed as a black widow and picked up some prey. or rather he picked me up. he's indian and i don't even know how old. i'm afraid to ask. he looks like, early 20s. oh well.

so i'm treading air because i know since he's from a wealthy family, the oldest son, super smart, and younger that there is no chance of anything. however. i really like. really.

and he texted me every day when i was on vacation in hawaii...unlike mr. iraqi who said he missed me but said hello only once or twice.

so mr. smartguy which is what i'm gonna call the latest guy is very interactive. did i mention smart. cute. and some other things which again, i won't elaborate on, but which this time are very good. lol.

dear diary i'm nervous. spending t-day with anyone is an interesting event. i just met this guy. i've seen him how many times, 3? 2? and so we'll see how things go with him, his sister & her boyfriend.

i've said directly that i can't imagine that he'd want a long-term anything with me considering everything (have you ever seen an indian guy with a white woman? i haven't.) but i am still really enjoying him and miss his company when i don't hear from him. and he seems to handle me well. which is half of the battle, lol. i'm not that easy to get along with.

however, i'm finding that when the guy treats me well, i'm remarkably good-natured. it's when i feel i'm mistreated that i get grouchy and the fights start. like when mr. iraqi kicked me out of his bed. and told me i couldn't spend the night. no drama there. i just said sweetly, well, THIS hasn't happened before. and thought to myself, and it won't AGAIN...

yeah. that was the last time i went over there. we're just friends now, thank you very much.

oh well. i am so not sure what's going on with this. but it seems as fast as i tell my friends i met someone, it's over. this probably will be too. and not just for his reasons, whatever they might be.

i just went through the whole agonizing decision not to have kids so even the thought of that fills me with dread. a guy would have to talk super hard to convince me now to think about kids. odd how things change.

well, dear diary, i'll be back. i can't even say anymore i hope this guy lasts, because no one does. but i'll tell you a little secret: he is nice, and smart, and cute, and good in bed.

so there, i'm at last finding the things i want. all in a cute little unavailable package.

i will say though that he tells me i get him to talk about himself like nobody else has. he's said that a couple times. so i guess i'm doing something right. so at least i suppose when we walk away (which in my case tends to be within 6 weeks) we will still respect each other & have given each other something.

me, i hope i get many happy hours in bed.

not sleeping.

:)

the. light. dawneth.

[cue bright sunrise]

so i JUST realized the reason i'm single is....

relationships make me feel trapped.

yup.

so guys that aren't available or don't want a r-ship are perfect for me.

voila.

no entrapment.

just me workin' my hot little a** through the laser beams of love...trying not to get burnt.

but never. tied. down.