crushes suck
i have a new crush (on the guy in the previous post). what sucks about that is you forget how they ruin other people for you! you can be with the coolest people in the world but if they are not as fun as the person you're crushed on, it's pretty annoying.
it's been so long since i had a crush on someone, i've forgotten how it feels. very uggy.
i'm supposing i need to get him out of my system as fast as possible so life can get back to me & my cat. i also have a crush on my cat, but he doesn't ruin me for society like a hot guy does. every guy compares favorably to my cat...
September 12, 2011
i met a guy & i liked it
well, hello folks. it's been a while.
i met someone who is a "possibility." and by this, i mean for everything. this is actually a momentous occassion, because i had completely given up hope that a guy might exist who could convince me that 1) marriage and 2) children weren't a ridiculous idea.
i just spent a week with him, and now i'm gone. a bit spectacularly: as i was leaving i chided him for not giving me an answer about the weekend plans, because he wouldn't say "yes" or "no" (why don't guys just say no? always this hemming & hawing to avoid hurting your feelings, when you really just want a definite!) then after i went on my own to the beach because he wouldn't go, i called my friend to check up on him ("did he stay at your place last night?"). and since he's also a guy, he probably told him i asked. hey i figured he was just waiting for me to leave to hook up with someone else. but given who he is & how he looks, it's more likely true than not. and besides, buyer beware. i will ask about these things...
anyhow, i am now floundering through my second day of googling "will he call" and reviewing everything in my head like an idiot. he told me hooking up in the future was in the cards, that he would come visit and we'd go somewhere. but that doesn't negate my fright that he will never show up again.
the thing about this guy that is so special is several-fold. ok, that didn't make sense, but it's my blog. :)
first, he can provide for me when he is under incredible stress. that's pretty unusual. he was hyper-aware of my experience at all times, making sure i was happy and ok. that is also very unusual. for a focused man to have that capacity and generosity.
second, we spent a fricken week together & i liked him more at the end than at the beginning. how often does that happen! everything we did was fun. just because he is fun.
third, he was kind. i told him everything about myself in 2 days & was ill in front of him & it wasn't pretty. but he was super sweet & did everything he could to help me.
fourth, he's not my type at all, but super cute smile. women everywhere we went were throwing themselves at him. let's just say, he's cute. and happy. he sings around the house...
fifth, he just has everything handled. like everything. and he tells me what to do ("honey could you wash these clothes for me?") and i actually was happy to. can you imagine. ME? being domestic?
sixth, he has resources. i found myself being an idiot imagining, what if i didn't have to work? wow. working is so painful for me because of my injuries that a lifetime of less pain would be just amazing.
seventh, he wants marriage & kids. even though he also thinks everyone around him is breaking up, as i do.
so that's some of the reasons. the really main one, though, (#8) is that i feel very safe and secure around him. i notice kim kardashian said the same thing about her guy. i can just relax, he's got things handled. whew. what a relief that is.
oh, also there's another one, so this is 9. he is very patient with my weaknesses. i said stupid things (not intellectually dumb, just perceptually off) and he didn't correct me. i forgot directions he told me so he started writing things down.
ok, he did blow up & we had a tiff, but here is #10 - in the midst of our argument (and he apologized!) he mentioned the word "partnership." ok i have paid thousands of dollars to attend the understandmen.com conferences. and what is the key word? partnership.
i'm terrified this guy will never show up again, so i will probably be blogging for the next few days to calm my nerves & get over him. if he is a player, he will be offended/watchful that i asked my friend if he stayed with him the night he left. whether he did or not, he knows i'm a bit stalkerish & not afraid to ask the hard questions. he should know these things. so let him.
but if he really liked me, i got to chill. he's in the middle of a lawsuit, and working 24-7 on getting it fixed. he had time for me and interest while i was there, but when i'm gone, probably he's already lining up chicks. or if not, they're lining up him. (yes waitresses wink at him & girls i meet don't even wait until i leave before they're talking about how to hook up with him.)
so here is my new crush. blah. more to come...
well, hello folks. it's been a while.
i met someone who is a "possibility." and by this, i mean for everything. this is actually a momentous occassion, because i had completely given up hope that a guy might exist who could convince me that 1) marriage and 2) children weren't a ridiculous idea.
i just spent a week with him, and now i'm gone. a bit spectacularly: as i was leaving i chided him for not giving me an answer about the weekend plans, because he wouldn't say "yes" or "no" (why don't guys just say no? always this hemming & hawing to avoid hurting your feelings, when you really just want a definite!) then after i went on my own to the beach because he wouldn't go, i called my friend to check up on him ("did he stay at your place last night?"). and since he's also a guy, he probably told him i asked. hey i figured he was just waiting for me to leave to hook up with someone else. but given who he is & how he looks, it's more likely true than not. and besides, buyer beware. i will ask about these things...
anyhow, i am now floundering through my second day of googling "will he call" and reviewing everything in my head like an idiot. he told me hooking up in the future was in the cards, that he would come visit and we'd go somewhere. but that doesn't negate my fright that he will never show up again.
the thing about this guy that is so special is several-fold. ok, that didn't make sense, but it's my blog. :)
first, he can provide for me when he is under incredible stress. that's pretty unusual. he was hyper-aware of my experience at all times, making sure i was happy and ok. that is also very unusual. for a focused man to have that capacity and generosity.
second, we spent a fricken week together & i liked him more at the end than at the beginning. how often does that happen! everything we did was fun. just because he is fun.
third, he was kind. i told him everything about myself in 2 days & was ill in front of him & it wasn't pretty. but he was super sweet & did everything he could to help me.
fourth, he's not my type at all, but super cute smile. women everywhere we went were throwing themselves at him. let's just say, he's cute. and happy. he sings around the house...
fifth, he just has everything handled. like everything. and he tells me what to do ("honey could you wash these clothes for me?") and i actually was happy to. can you imagine. ME? being domestic?
sixth, he has resources. i found myself being an idiot imagining, what if i didn't have to work? wow. working is so painful for me because of my injuries that a lifetime of less pain would be just amazing.
seventh, he wants marriage & kids. even though he also thinks everyone around him is breaking up, as i do.
so that's some of the reasons. the really main one, though, (#8) is that i feel very safe and secure around him. i notice kim kardashian said the same thing about her guy. i can just relax, he's got things handled. whew. what a relief that is.
oh, also there's another one, so this is 9. he is very patient with my weaknesses. i said stupid things (not intellectually dumb, just perceptually off) and he didn't correct me. i forgot directions he told me so he started writing things down.
ok, he did blow up & we had a tiff, but here is #10 - in the midst of our argument (and he apologized!) he mentioned the word "partnership." ok i have paid thousands of dollars to attend the understandmen.com conferences. and what is the key word? partnership.
i'm terrified this guy will never show up again, so i will probably be blogging for the next few days to calm my nerves & get over him. if he is a player, he will be offended/watchful that i asked my friend if he stayed with him the night he left. whether he did or not, he knows i'm a bit stalkerish & not afraid to ask the hard questions. he should know these things. so let him.
but if he really liked me, i got to chill. he's in the middle of a lawsuit, and working 24-7 on getting it fixed. he had time for me and interest while i was there, but when i'm gone, probably he's already lining up chicks. or if not, they're lining up him. (yes waitresses wink at him & girls i meet don't even wait until i leave before they're talking about how to hook up with him.)
so here is my new crush. blah. more to come...
July 14, 2011
June 23, 2011
still going
i haven't written for a while. but a quick update...i'm still kinda with the guy i have been dating for the past year. it's been very up & down & i didn't want to dishonor him, so i haven't written about it.
but i probably will start again soon.
in the meantime, i have a new blog that i wrote...Pain With Joy.
check it out! :)
i haven't written for a while. but a quick update...i'm still kinda with the guy i have been dating for the past year. it's been very up & down & i didn't want to dishonor him, so i haven't written about it.
but i probably will start again soon.
in the meantime, i have a new blog that i wrote...Pain With Joy.
check it out! :)
February 12, 2011
warning: relationship failure ahead
i'm not very good at relationships. i feel this one might be ending. he's not sure. i'm not sure. all of a sudden i am beginning to imagine a world without him, which is just not hopeful.
our one-year anniversery together is in two weeks. we were planning a trip, kind of recreating our first date. (he said, what do you do on a one-year anniversery? i've never had one before.) i said, i dunno. i've never celebrated one before. then we had a fight planning it.
i feel that i am very critical of men in relationships. i have been told this. he has his faults too (let me count the ways, lol) but i can only change myself. and self is sad.
we are just arguing so much over everything that i fear the passion is leaving. his anyway.
the kicker was when he decided he wanted to know what our open relationship meant. and then he didn't like the answer. of course he wouldn't. then why ask?
i guess when you've been together a year, it's either, well, i hate that expression, so um, make something happen or move on. he is the coolest guy i ever dated. i just don't see an end to our recurring problems.
i can't control what comes out of his mouth & how he says hurtful things. has since the beginning. when he does that, i sure don't want to control what i say in return. i feel i have to protect myself. so there we are.
i have heard it said the relationship hinges on the guy. i think this is true. i have tried for a year to get the relationship to a commit-worthy (or -safe) place. but it isn't there. i feel unsafe. i will not commit.
it is our first valentine's day monday. i have asked him to plan it. something. low-key, non-expensive is fine. just something. we will see what happens. he already brought me red roses last night and that was sweet. they are for my party today (housewarming thingy to celebrate my house coming out of rehab). valentine's day has always shown me a guy's true feelings.
on the other hand, as i feel things are falling apart between us, i am starting to feel more attracted to him. he is starting to say no to things, which is oddly sexy, since they aren't important anyway. but, he is also starting to look around at other women when we go out. that is the killer for me.
i won't date a guy that looks at other women's T&A. i just won't. i don't undress guys in front of my boyfriend with my eyes, and that is unacceptable in return.
i will have to let this one go for a few more times to see if it is a fluke or a trend. a fluke, he's just mad cuz he found out i was actually seeing someone else sometimes. a trend, i am outta here. we can just be friends. he can bang whoever he wants. just not with me watching him imagine it...
i'm not very good at relationships. i feel this one might be ending. he's not sure. i'm not sure. all of a sudden i am beginning to imagine a world without him, which is just not hopeful.
our one-year anniversery together is in two weeks. we were planning a trip, kind of recreating our first date. (he said, what do you do on a one-year anniversery? i've never had one before.) i said, i dunno. i've never celebrated one before. then we had a fight planning it.
i feel that i am very critical of men in relationships. i have been told this. he has his faults too (let me count the ways, lol) but i can only change myself. and self is sad.
we are just arguing so much over everything that i fear the passion is leaving. his anyway.
the kicker was when he decided he wanted to know what our open relationship meant. and then he didn't like the answer. of course he wouldn't. then why ask?
i guess when you've been together a year, it's either, well, i hate that expression, so um, make something happen or move on. he is the coolest guy i ever dated. i just don't see an end to our recurring problems.
i can't control what comes out of his mouth & how he says hurtful things. has since the beginning. when he does that, i sure don't want to control what i say in return. i feel i have to protect myself. so there we are.
i have heard it said the relationship hinges on the guy. i think this is true. i have tried for a year to get the relationship to a commit-worthy (or -safe) place. but it isn't there. i feel unsafe. i will not commit.
it is our first valentine's day monday. i have asked him to plan it. something. low-key, non-expensive is fine. just something. we will see what happens. he already brought me red roses last night and that was sweet. they are for my party today (housewarming thingy to celebrate my house coming out of rehab). valentine's day has always shown me a guy's true feelings.
on the other hand, as i feel things are falling apart between us, i am starting to feel more attracted to him. he is starting to say no to things, which is oddly sexy, since they aren't important anyway. but, he is also starting to look around at other women when we go out. that is the killer for me.
i won't date a guy that looks at other women's T&A. i just won't. i don't undress guys in front of my boyfriend with my eyes, and that is unacceptable in return.
i will have to let this one go for a few more times to see if it is a fluke or a trend. a fluke, he's just mad cuz he found out i was actually seeing someone else sometimes. a trend, i am outta here. we can just be friends. he can bang whoever he wants. just not with me watching him imagine it...
January 26, 2011
happy new year!
i haven't written for a while. i've had a tough time i guess. but things are getting better - so i'm back!
in summary.
i'm still with the pseudo-boyfriend. we are doing good. i have less questions about our future than i did in the past, so i am happy about that! we have maintained our flexible relationship and that is still working for both of us. that means, we can see other people if we want, but it's don't ask don't tell.
he doesn't care if he sees other people or not (meaning he prefers not to), i prefer to keep the option open.
this type of relationship is interesting, i will say. i have never done it before by choice, instead being subjected to it against my will by guys i liked who wanted to keep dating other people. so it took a lot of courage to embark on, and a lot of careful phrasing to get my point across.
but a few weeks ago my guy told me he really is happy with how things are. and that means the world to me. the other part of the world - is that i am also happy with how things are. i have the freedom to appreciate and love him, without feeling trapped. and i can also go see other people if i have needs that are not getting met. which i think happens with everyone, since no one person meets everyone's needs.
but that's happening less and less, since he is becoming a better relationship partner...
so that is how things are right now.
now if we could just get rid of some of this snow...! ;)
i haven't written for a while. i've had a tough time i guess. but things are getting better - so i'm back!
in summary.
i'm still with the pseudo-boyfriend. we are doing good. i have less questions about our future than i did in the past, so i am happy about that! we have maintained our flexible relationship and that is still working for both of us. that means, we can see other people if we want, but it's don't ask don't tell.
he doesn't care if he sees other people or not (meaning he prefers not to), i prefer to keep the option open.
this type of relationship is interesting, i will say. i have never done it before by choice, instead being subjected to it against my will by guys i liked who wanted to keep dating other people. so it took a lot of courage to embark on, and a lot of careful phrasing to get my point across.
but a few weeks ago my guy told me he really is happy with how things are. and that means the world to me. the other part of the world - is that i am also happy with how things are. i have the freedom to appreciate and love him, without feeling trapped. and i can also go see other people if i have needs that are not getting met. which i think happens with everyone, since no one person meets everyone's needs.
but that's happening less and less, since he is becoming a better relationship partner...
so that is how things are right now.
now if we could just get rid of some of this snow...! ;)
September 09, 2010
LA-LA land
well, i'm out here in LA, came out with the guy i'm seeing. he's working in No-Cal mid-week, so i'm hanging with friends. right now i'm staying with a friend, former date. it's interesting.
you change.
years ago i thought this guy was just IT. as many girls do now. however, in comparison with the guy i'm dating now, well, let's just say i can't wait to see my guy this weekend.
my guy makes me feel great.
the analyzation of how someone makes you feel when you are around them is done way too little. you tend to get hung up in what lifestyle somebody has that you want, who you would or could be if you were with someone, or how great they are in bed. and forget - who am i when i'm there?
it is hard for me to maintain my sense of self. and when i am around someone with a strong one, i will aquiesce to theirs. and there i go. however, when i am with someone who encourages me to be ME, it is a whole. new. world.
with my guy, i am ME. i am not an extension of him. i do not exist merely to satellite around his world. and that feels great.
sometimes you wonder why you do or do not end up with people in life. though i used to think there was something i did that made things not happen, it seems to me know it is a combination of events that makes you hang with certain people and not others. i have learned to trust that combination.
and...in turn, it creates how i feel.
how i feel is very important. it is an indicator of how much my needs are getting met.
i've decided my needs are very important. so i am seeking people that meet them. aka my new guy.
yes. counting down the minutes until i see him again. or rather. until i feel like my best ME again...
well, i'm out here in LA, came out with the guy i'm seeing. he's working in No-Cal mid-week, so i'm hanging with friends. right now i'm staying with a friend, former date. it's interesting.
you change.
years ago i thought this guy was just IT. as many girls do now. however, in comparison with the guy i'm dating now, well, let's just say i can't wait to see my guy this weekend.
my guy makes me feel great.
the analyzation of how someone makes you feel when you are around them is done way too little. you tend to get hung up in what lifestyle somebody has that you want, who you would or could be if you were with someone, or how great they are in bed. and forget - who am i when i'm there?
it is hard for me to maintain my sense of self. and when i am around someone with a strong one, i will aquiesce to theirs. and there i go. however, when i am with someone who encourages me to be ME, it is a whole. new. world.
with my guy, i am ME. i am not an extension of him. i do not exist merely to satellite around his world. and that feels great.
sometimes you wonder why you do or do not end up with people in life. though i used to think there was something i did that made things not happen, it seems to me know it is a combination of events that makes you hang with certain people and not others. i have learned to trust that combination.
and...in turn, it creates how i feel.
how i feel is very important. it is an indicator of how much my needs are getting met.
i've decided my needs are very important. so i am seeking people that meet them. aka my new guy.
yes. counting down the minutes until i see him again. or rather. until i feel like my best ME again...
August 05, 2010
most present and accounted for...
i have been rereading my blog history, in attempts to decide how much/if it should stay. i enjoy reading my writing! so i think some of it should stay.
for those one of you who have kept track of my life for a while, the good news is that the good guys i wrote about in the past are still in my life. yes, we worked out our issues & still hang out at least a couple times a month. the bad guys (disappearing doctor, mr. india) are gonzo. that is also a good thing. i found other from other peeps that they were bad to the bone. being either in the habit of disappearing or reportedly lying, theiving, SOBs. sounded a little harsh to me, but, it is what people say it is. the guy i called new guy, aka the sax player, is also awol. but that's ok. i can live with that.
so i have a well-rounded life now, what with the cool guys from the past, new guy, and losing the losers.
it's always good to lose the losers. that's why they're losers, right?
i have been rereading my blog history, in attempts to decide how much/if it should stay. i enjoy reading my writing! so i think some of it should stay.
for those one of you who have kept track of my life for a while, the good news is that the good guys i wrote about in the past are still in my life. yes, we worked out our issues & still hang out at least a couple times a month. the bad guys (disappearing doctor, mr. india) are gonzo. that is also a good thing. i found other from other peeps that they were bad to the bone. being either in the habit of disappearing or reportedly lying, theiving, SOBs. sounded a little harsh to me, but, it is what people say it is. the guy i called new guy, aka the sax player, is also awol. but that's ok. i can live with that.
so i have a well-rounded life now, what with the cool guys from the past, new guy, and losing the losers.
it's always good to lose the losers. that's why they're losers, right?
...it's raining men...
well, ok. it's raining anyway. and this blog is about men. i mean - me. but anyway.
i have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. in the past i pdf'd a bunch of it. i went to do the same just now but doesn't seem to work well. hmmm. anyhow. the pdf program is at work so that would be a little awkward to get seen.
i thought about taking it down. i feel it has lived its usefulness. and i thought i was happily ensconsed in a relationship. finally.
until this week! this week, after 6 months of seeing my new guy, i am suddenly claustrophobic. yes. that's a surprise. right? yeah, right.
so i guess here i am back writing again as i struggle with my own r-ship angst.
not that we're IN one.
i set it up to be non-exclusive. which is all well and good. except that we went on a cruise together, and now are going away again for the 3rd time. and we see each other on weekends. and during the week. so it's some sort of something.
so maybe i will actually write in this blog more. i dunno. privacy being what it is, and all, i wasn't really excited about the idea of the whole world (of the 5 people that might care) learning all about my history. there's some pretty personal stuff on here. but then. i just read ben franklin's auto-biography. that's pretty personal too.
hmmmmm.
and. for those two readers i have, i thank you! i would like to think my experience might have some sort of echo in the hearts & minds of my readers. nobody has all the answers & sometimes just realizing you're not alone - which is a big need the WWW fulfills - makes online blogging worth it.
so in the meantime, the blog is in limbo. we will see what we will see...
it does come up first though, in google, when you google the title. so. heck. progress.
:)
it's raining progress.
well, ok. it's raining anyway. and this blog is about men. i mean - me. but anyway.
i have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. in the past i pdf'd a bunch of it. i went to do the same just now but doesn't seem to work well. hmmm. anyhow. the pdf program is at work so that would be a little awkward to get seen.
i thought about taking it down. i feel it has lived its usefulness. and i thought i was happily ensconsed in a relationship. finally.
until this week! this week, after 6 months of seeing my new guy, i am suddenly claustrophobic. yes. that's a surprise. right? yeah, right.
so i guess here i am back writing again as i struggle with my own r-ship angst.
not that we're IN one.
i set it up to be non-exclusive. which is all well and good. except that we went on a cruise together, and now are going away again for the 3rd time. and we see each other on weekends. and during the week. so it's some sort of something.
so maybe i will actually write in this blog more. i dunno. privacy being what it is, and all, i wasn't really excited about the idea of the whole world (of the 5 people that might care) learning all about my history. there's some pretty personal stuff on here. but then. i just read ben franklin's auto-biography. that's pretty personal too.
hmmmmm.
and. for those two readers i have, i thank you! i would like to think my experience might have some sort of echo in the hearts & minds of my readers. nobody has all the answers & sometimes just realizing you're not alone - which is a big need the WWW fulfills - makes online blogging worth it.
so in the meantime, the blog is in limbo. we will see what we will see...
it does come up first though, in google, when you google the title. so. heck. progress.
:)
it's raining progress.
June 20, 2010
long-time no write
well, i've been in absentia for a while.
things have been good. i decided not to jinx them.
however. hmmm. a girl sometimes needs a blog...
i started dating this new guy. still am. have a trip planned. and got in a major fight again tonite.
so already this is huge. first potential boyfriend since 2006?! but still. i am not committing. i am waiting to see what transpires...for good reason i guess.
like i said, i have week-long intl. trip planned. and we got in a fight tonite.
now i am thinking how nice it was to be alone. i mean, i fight with myself sometimes, but usually i win. and usually only my cat notices...
hmmm.
anyhow. i am back...for better or for worse.
uhoh. that sounds like marraige vows. hmmm. again. hmmmm.
i see that as revenge...
well, i've been in absentia for a while.
things have been good. i decided not to jinx them.
however. hmmm. a girl sometimes needs a blog...
i started dating this new guy. still am. have a trip planned. and got in a major fight again tonite.
so already this is huge. first potential boyfriend since 2006?! but still. i am not committing. i am waiting to see what transpires...for good reason i guess.
like i said, i have week-long intl. trip planned. and we got in a fight tonite.
now i am thinking how nice it was to be alone. i mean, i fight with myself sometimes, but usually i win. and usually only my cat notices...
hmmm.
anyhow. i am back...for better or for worse.
uhoh. that sounds like marraige vows. hmmm. again. hmmmm.
i see that as revenge...