happy thanksgiving
i am thankful for many things this weekend. one of which is that i am single. yes, i finally decided i should give thanks for this. for following my heart. and the part of me that knows i am still single because i have chosen to be. because i have the guts to buck society and not marry a person that i don't think is right for me. just to get married. so i am not unhappily married. or divorced. or raising kids on my own. (yet) there are many reasons to be thankful that i am a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of living life on her own.
god is good to give me the strength to do what's best for me & my future kids. timing is everything, says the wise man, solomon. and i'm thankful i've been able to not move forward until i'm ready.
i have more to write, but it will be later. some other time. guests await and i shouldn't be impolite, writing to you before i talk to them. though of course i am anyhow! ah, that independent nature. gotta love it.
November 27, 2004
November 20, 2004
hmmm
well, i'm back. i've been a bit well, remote lately, & uninteresting. So I decided not to write. At the moment I'm not too pithy and full of little dumb sayings either. But hey, i'm back. and writing in caps and non caps. hmmm.
so i've decided to stop being single. so then i will have no blog. that works. ;)
continuing to choose to be single means that, in my case, you have to turn down people on a continual basis. that gets old. and at some point you wonder where are the people you don't have to turn down. or, are they right in front of you and you don't see them. i'd like to think the first, as i tend to be a bit flexible in who i date, yet can't seem to find the basic requirements. i think it's the irish catholic northeast. oh well.
someday my prince will come riding up with a nametag on him that says "it's me, silly" and then i'll know for sure. unless of course they all read this & decide to buy a horse & learn calligraphy. :)
well, i'm back. i've been a bit well, remote lately, & uninteresting. So I decided not to write. At the moment I'm not too pithy and full of little dumb sayings either. But hey, i'm back. and writing in caps and non caps. hmmm.
so i've decided to stop being single. so then i will have no blog. that works. ;)
continuing to choose to be single means that, in my case, you have to turn down people on a continual basis. that gets old. and at some point you wonder where are the people you don't have to turn down. or, are they right in front of you and you don't see them. i'd like to think the first, as i tend to be a bit flexible in who i date, yet can't seem to find the basic requirements. i think it's the irish catholic northeast. oh well.
someday my prince will come riding up with a nametag on him that says "it's me, silly" and then i'll know for sure. unless of course they all read this & decide to buy a horse & learn calligraphy. :)
November 04, 2004
November 01, 2004
on the road again
well, even though my eyes are still hurting from crying over the betrayal of someone who i thought cared about me, it's time to move on. i've got a date this week with a new guy. he seems smart, well-traveled, articulate, nice, communicative and believe it or not, he lives here in town! lands sakes. what's happening to me.
well, even though my eyes are still hurting from crying over the betrayal of someone who i thought cared about me, it's time to move on. i've got a date this week with a new guy. he seems smart, well-traveled, articulate, nice, communicative and believe it or not, he lives here in town! lands sakes. what's happening to me.
October 11, 2004
train-er
anyhow, so on to someone new. oh, but not the guy who i sat down next to on the train this morning. who started talking to me. who told me his name is jean pierre and that he makes pastries for a lead restaurant in boston. who told me he was the top-selling real estate agent in the next town last year. who lost his license for a year. (why? and WHY did he tell me this?) whose fingernails were DIRTY like a mechanic's. right. like i'd want to eat his pastry. like he'd be making it. he wanted my card or whatnot so i had him write his phone # down on something i was carrying. so i could think about if i wanted to call him or not. ok, i thought about it. not. but hey, the guy was cute and props to him for making the effort. it kinda made my day start out all nice. he did a good deed. hey, at least someone wants me. (him, and my ex's best friend. hee hee.)
so. the new guy is a cute guy on yahoo who wrote to me. he is a year younger than me, looks cute, is tall, has a good job & looks good with a baby. (what is it with guys and baby pictures? girls wouldn't be caught dead posting them unless they HAVE them. is it like a guy's way to fulfill a girl's dream? "baby, you pick me, you'll have my baby, baby". hmmm.
oh well. more on cutie later. ah. who actually calls HIMSELF cute. hmmm.
too many hmmms. time to quit.
night night.
anyhow, so on to someone new. oh, but not the guy who i sat down next to on the train this morning. who started talking to me. who told me his name is jean pierre and that he makes pastries for a lead restaurant in boston. who told me he was the top-selling real estate agent in the next town last year. who lost his license for a year. (why? and WHY did he tell me this?) whose fingernails were DIRTY like a mechanic's. right. like i'd want to eat his pastry. like he'd be making it. he wanted my card or whatnot so i had him write his phone # down on something i was carrying. so i could think about if i wanted to call him or not. ok, i thought about it. not. but hey, the guy was cute and props to him for making the effort. it kinda made my day start out all nice. he did a good deed. hey, at least someone wants me. (him, and my ex's best friend. hee hee.)
so. the new guy is a cute guy on yahoo who wrote to me. he is a year younger than me, looks cute, is tall, has a good job & looks good with a baby. (what is it with guys and baby pictures? girls wouldn't be caught dead posting them unless they HAVE them. is it like a guy's way to fulfill a girl's dream? "baby, you pick me, you'll have my baby, baby". hmmm.
oh well. more on cutie later. ah. who actually calls HIMSELF cute. hmmm.
too many hmmms. time to quit.
night night.
October 09, 2004
been around the world...
well, i'm back from my mediterranean cruise. never, never cruise on holland america. just FYI. you may miss the boat b/c they change the shuttle schedules without warning. plus the women are bitchy. who needs that. if you go, make sure it's on celebrity cruises!
anyhow, i had a great trip. and i'm back to my life again. which includes of course, my continuing saga with single men. and myself.
sometimes you have light shine upon you that gives you epiphanies. my latest one is that i tend to date men that are emotionally unavailable. very convenient if you really don't want to get that deep into life. but i do now. so i guess i'll have to experiment around with dating men who ARE available. though they generally appear more flawed than unavailable ones because you can actually get close enough to see their imperfections. ah, sometimes travel is good for the soul.
so begins my quest to meet an emotionally available man. assuming that one can put all of those words in the same sentence & have it make sense... ;) i'll let you know how it goes.
first step: lose the ones that aren't out of my life. that's in progress currently and damn, housecleaning is NO fun.
well, i'm back from my mediterranean cruise. never, never cruise on holland america. just FYI. you may miss the boat b/c they change the shuttle schedules without warning. plus the women are bitchy. who needs that. if you go, make sure it's on celebrity cruises!
anyhow, i had a great trip. and i'm back to my life again. which includes of course, my continuing saga with single men. and myself.
sometimes you have light shine upon you that gives you epiphanies. my latest one is that i tend to date men that are emotionally unavailable. very convenient if you really don't want to get that deep into life. but i do now. so i guess i'll have to experiment around with dating men who ARE available. though they generally appear more flawed than unavailable ones because you can actually get close enough to see their imperfections. ah, sometimes travel is good for the soul.
so begins my quest to meet an emotionally available man. assuming that one can put all of those words in the same sentence & have it make sense... ;) i'll let you know how it goes.
first step: lose the ones that aren't out of my life. that's in progress currently and damn, housecleaning is NO fun.
September 04, 2004
true blue
so the ex i said goodbye to didn't want to hear it. what is it about men that they need women to put their foot down sometimes before they decide she's really special? or is it the putting down of the foot that is a turn-on? i dunno.
he agreed to comply to my terms for dealing with me and is coming to visit. he says. i'll keep you posted...
meanwhile, my sister has a visitor from canada. a cute guy who just arrived via taxi to go to church with her. i hope they like each other. gees, i've never had a guy from the internet come from another country to visit. and this guy is good -- got his own hotel room (of course) and found his way over to pick her up just like a gentleman. he's even driving. yes, i hope it works out.
funny how life sometimes comes in twos. funny how men work. i still haven't figured it out, however i'm starting to.
one thing i know: men can't fall in love with you unless there is a you to fall in love with. maybe that's the key. just be you and the man who loves that version of you will go crazy over it. after seeing women most of my life that tried to modify themselves to their man, this is a radical concept. but hey. wasn't luther radical. and look what he did!
so the ex i said goodbye to didn't want to hear it. what is it about men that they need women to put their foot down sometimes before they decide she's really special? or is it the putting down of the foot that is a turn-on? i dunno.
he agreed to comply to my terms for dealing with me and is coming to visit. he says. i'll keep you posted...
meanwhile, my sister has a visitor from canada. a cute guy who just arrived via taxi to go to church with her. i hope they like each other. gees, i've never had a guy from the internet come from another country to visit. and this guy is good -- got his own hotel room (of course) and found his way over to pick her up just like a gentleman. he's even driving. yes, i hope it works out.
funny how life sometimes comes in twos. funny how men work. i still haven't figured it out, however i'm starting to.
one thing i know: men can't fall in love with you unless there is a you to fall in love with. maybe that's the key. just be you and the man who loves that version of you will go crazy over it. after seeing women most of my life that tried to modify themselves to their man, this is a radical concept. but hey. wasn't luther radical. and look what he did!
September 03, 2004
parting is such bitter nastiness
i've said this b4, but one of the suckiest things about being single is saying goodbye. especially to your exes who you know and love and fight with. sometimes you just have to realize no matter how far you've come personally in life, that other person hasn't come there with you. he has his own agenda and timeline which is lightyears away from yours, which includes babies somewhere in the near future. his fear is so thick you pop it like a balloon. and so you have to, achingly, say Goodbye with a capital G.
i still wait for the day when i am settled down and will not have to lose my men one by one like i did my father. until then, i suppose i will continue to bitch and moan about the nastiness of dating, where you can get just as emotionally involved (perhaps more) than married, but without the protection.
i've said this b4, but one of the suckiest things about being single is saying goodbye. especially to your exes who you know and love and fight with. sometimes you just have to realize no matter how far you've come personally in life, that other person hasn't come there with you. he has his own agenda and timeline which is lightyears away from yours, which includes babies somewhere in the near future. his fear is so thick you pop it like a balloon. and so you have to, achingly, say Goodbye with a capital G.
i still wait for the day when i am settled down and will not have to lose my men one by one like i did my father. until then, i suppose i will continue to bitch and moan about the nastiness of dating, where you can get just as emotionally involved (perhaps more) than married, but without the protection.
August 28, 2004
it's about time, o christian, it's about time
finally some good-hearted women are writing good books about being married that are doing wonders for my psyche. they're turning on the lights in the closet and exposing just what it feels like to be married, how much of a shock it is for women, how they handle the very real fear and probability of "losing oneself" in marriage etc etc.
i think this disconnect that all single women face, from the minute they are aware of what marriage is, has been a very real factor for why i'm still single. i remember planning my wedding in elementary school to my then-boyfriend who i never kissed. my bridesmaids had checked gingham dresses and hats. you can imagine what year that was. i've never done it since. the closest i've gotten is wondering how simply i could have the dress look and wondering just how wierd and shy i would feel on my wedding day. like i'm an imposter jumping into some fairytale who shouldn't be there. because i know it's all a fairy-tale. no one can give up their life and merge with another person (my worst nightmare) without having it all go awry. but that wasn't always my nightmare. my nightmare used to be being alone. now that i've done it long enough to see through the fairy-tale and have boyfriends leave me because of my urge-to-merge, i know how damaging that habit can be. somehow there is a middle ground where you keep yourself and still connect. although personally, i've never found it.
anyhow back to the fairy-tale. no intelligent woman can honestly believe it (who doesn't live in some serious denial). all you have to do is look at the statistics and the stunned look on some of your married friends faces and the forced-happy look on others' to tell it's all bs.
getting and being married is plain hard work and only now are women breaking their code of silence and speaking up about how it actually all works & how to survive it and even...make it wonderful.
god bless them. now maybe i can move toward getting married in an intelligent AND blissful fashion.
now what i have to figure out is, not should i MARRY this guy? but even harder, should i marry THIS guy. somebody please write a book for that.
finally some good-hearted women are writing good books about being married that are doing wonders for my psyche. they're turning on the lights in the closet and exposing just what it feels like to be married, how much of a shock it is for women, how they handle the very real fear and probability of "losing oneself" in marriage etc etc.
i think this disconnect that all single women face, from the minute they are aware of what marriage is, has been a very real factor for why i'm still single. i remember planning my wedding in elementary school to my then-boyfriend who i never kissed. my bridesmaids had checked gingham dresses and hats. you can imagine what year that was. i've never done it since. the closest i've gotten is wondering how simply i could have the dress look and wondering just how wierd and shy i would feel on my wedding day. like i'm an imposter jumping into some fairytale who shouldn't be there. because i know it's all a fairy-tale. no one can give up their life and merge with another person (my worst nightmare) without having it all go awry. but that wasn't always my nightmare. my nightmare used to be being alone. now that i've done it long enough to see through the fairy-tale and have boyfriends leave me because of my urge-to-merge, i know how damaging that habit can be. somehow there is a middle ground where you keep yourself and still connect. although personally, i've never found it.
anyhow back to the fairy-tale. no intelligent woman can honestly believe it (who doesn't live in some serious denial). all you have to do is look at the statistics and the stunned look on some of your married friends faces and the forced-happy look on others' to tell it's all bs.
getting and being married is plain hard work and only now are women breaking their code of silence and speaking up about how it actually all works & how to survive it and even...make it wonderful.
god bless them. now maybe i can move toward getting married in an intelligent AND blissful fashion.
now what i have to figure out is, not should i MARRY this guy? but even harder, should i marry THIS guy. somebody please write a book for that.
August 22, 2004
i think i can't, i think i can't
deep within the heart of some divorcees kids, there lurks this nagging fear that we won't be able to stay married. so why try? it's like going on the roller coaster ride without a seatbelt; knowing you're more likely than not to be thrown from the moving train to your death. and if you have kids, taking them with you. voluntarily. why would anyone sign up for that?
yet you know there's that other very happy small percentage that just get marriage right and somehow you wonder: could you beat the odds?
in the midst of that questioning, you keep dating people who are like your parent. who left.
and some pretty wonderful men love you and you keep walking away.
so you read and read and try to figure out what the magic formula is that you need to know, that you are willing to bet the odds on. or that thing that you do that you can learn to stop doing to keep you from running again. or advice on fixing whatever it is that makes you not get along with the "right" people. but every book says something different. and it ends up right back where it began:
all about you.
deep within the heart of some divorcees kids, there lurks this nagging fear that we won't be able to stay married. so why try? it's like going on the roller coaster ride without a seatbelt; knowing you're more likely than not to be thrown from the moving train to your death. and if you have kids, taking them with you. voluntarily. why would anyone sign up for that?
yet you know there's that other very happy small percentage that just get marriage right and somehow you wonder: could you beat the odds?
in the midst of that questioning, you keep dating people who are like your parent. who left.
and some pretty wonderful men love you and you keep walking away.
so you read and read and try to figure out what the magic formula is that you need to know, that you are willing to bet the odds on. or that thing that you do that you can learn to stop doing to keep you from running again. or advice on fixing whatever it is that makes you not get along with the "right" people. but every book says something different. and it ends up right back where it began:
all about you.
August 17, 2004
rockabye baby in the treetop...when he rolls over the cradle will rock
sleeping alone. i love it. since i'm a bad sleeper (people with FMS usually are) i have various and sundry ways to make me sleep better. and all of them would involve waking someone else up.
i must admit one of the perks of being single is sleeping alone. upside down & backwards; turning this way and that (that is usually better; though one time during a storm, this was); throwing pillows around willy-nilly (willy-nilly doesn't mind if you throw pillows around him. he just doesn't like them thrown at him.)
so if i get married, that means i have to learn to sleep with someone else. how am i gonna do that? 35 years of sleeping alone & then whoop, there it is.
there's just gonna have to be some rules that's all. here's my trial run:
1. he cannot snore. ever. i can snore a little if i don't notice.
2. the room cannot be too cold or too hot or too stuffy or too windy or anything like that. it must be only one of anything.
3. he must be cuddly, warm & huggable -- all through the night.
4. he must
hmmm...what did i say up there about rocking the cradle? i think my little list is running amok. heading in a different direction. leading me on. i think i'll take a short commercial break while...yeah, i'll BRB!
sleeping alone. i love it. since i'm a bad sleeper (people with FMS usually are) i have various and sundry ways to make me sleep better. and all of them would involve waking someone else up.
i must admit one of the perks of being single is sleeping alone. upside down & backwards; turning this way and that (that is usually better; though one time during a storm, this was); throwing pillows around willy-nilly (willy-nilly doesn't mind if you throw pillows around him. he just doesn't like them thrown at him.)
so if i get married, that means i have to learn to sleep with someone else. how am i gonna do that? 35 years of sleeping alone & then whoop, there it is.
there's just gonna have to be some rules that's all. here's my trial run:
1. he cannot snore. ever. i can snore a little if i don't notice.
2. the room cannot be too cold or too hot or too stuffy or too windy or anything like that. it must be only one of anything.
3. he must be cuddly, warm & huggable -- all through the night.
4. he must
hmmm...what did i say up there about rocking the cradle? i think my little list is running amok. heading in a different direction. leading me on. i think i'll take a short commercial break while...yeah, i'll BRB!