mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy

i have a crush. a mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy. he's all the things i like. dark haired, younger, shorter (a bit), a great dresser, good with people, smart, funny and generally makes you (me) feel wanted & accepted. oh. and he can't take his eyes off me.

damn. so this is bad. bad because it's so rare. bad because i literally don't even remember the last one i had. i think it was years ago. like 1994. oh. ouch. that would be 10 years ago.

i don't usually get crushes. i usually date people who find me wonderfully attractive and then learn to like them back. attraction is catching after all. however this guy is different. my assumption is that i liked him first. and he didn't catch on for a while until, well, he saw me all dressed up and now this thing is a real-live two-way crush.

the bad thing about crushes is they're just damn frustrating. and to break the frustration, someone has to lose something. me, i've got nothing to lose in this case. except my sanity.

the other thing that has happened is that i'm talking to this really cool guy i met online. the first one that i think i've found normal and attractive in a few years. of course it does help that my tastes in men have changed. this guy is taller, older, blond, and well, i don't know all the rest. seems smart, educated, with-it, and of course, the clincher, he thinks i'm stunningly beautiful (so he said). sounds like a keeper. ;)

so now i have two cuties to try to stop thinking about. i swear, how do two guys that i like happen along at once? and what am i going to do?!

uh-huh, right. nothing. absolutely nothing. we'll just see what happens & figure if there are two guys in this world i think are adorable, damn, there's got to be a lot more! :)

oh no, he's baaaack...

i had the funniest thing happen to me. i was sitting on the train today (friday afternoon) getting bumped here and there by people in a rush. and this guy with about 10 little grocery bags full of food managed to drag them over me & sat down next to me. i determined not to lose all my space to his groceries, so he moved them & apologized. no prob.

so i'm sitting there reading sweet thursday & he starts reading over my shoulder. and says, "popovers. i make good popovers." i look at him & think to myself, hmmm, and of course he says "i'm a pastry chef." oh yes. of course, he's THE pastry chef that tried to pick me up b4. who still has dirty fingernails. and he rambles on about cigarettes or cigars and buying them on deserted street corners in columbia.

i try to imagine if he tries to pick me up again whether i should say "yeah, we've been over this b4" or just pretend i'd never seen him b4. to my happiness and annoyance, he didn't try. that means i didn't look yummy like i had b4 in my cute little suit.

oh well. i guess that means no pastries!

happy thanksgiving

i am thankful for many things this weekend. one of which is that i am single. yes, i finally decided i should give thanks for this. for following my heart. and the part of me that knows i am still single because i have chosen to be. because i have the guts to buck society and not marry a person that i don't think is right for me. just to get married. so i am not unhappily married. or divorced. or raising kids on my own. (yet) there are many reasons to be thankful that i am a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of living life on her own.

god is good to give me the strength to do what's best for me & my future kids. timing is everything, says the wise man, solomon. and i'm thankful i've been able to not move forward until i'm ready.

i have more to write, but it will be later. some other time. guests await and i shouldn't be impolite, writing to you before i talk to them. though of course i am anyhow! ah, that independent nature. gotta love it.

hmmm

well, i'm back. i've been a bit well, remote lately, & uninteresting. So I decided not to write. At the moment I'm not too pithy and full of little dumb sayings either. But hey, i'm back. and writing in caps and non caps. hmmm.

so i've decided to stop being single. so then i will have no blog. that works. ;)

continuing to choose to be single means that, in my case, you have to turn down people on a continual basis. that gets old. and at some point you wonder where are the people you don't have to turn down. or, are they right in front of you and you don't see them. i'd like to think the first, as i tend to be a bit flexible in who i date, yet can't seem to find the basic requirements. i think it's the irish catholic northeast. oh well.

someday my prince will come riding up with a nametag on him that says "it's me, silly" and then i'll know for sure. unless of course they all read this & decide to buy a horse & learn calligraphy. :)

nice to be me

Random men with nothing to gain from it are being really nice to me lately. Opening doors, doing little things that are sweet, acting like I'm special. Wonder what it could be?! Dunno. I'll just enjoy it.

Gees some things I love about being a woman.

on the road again

well, even though my eyes are still hurting from crying over the betrayal of someone who i thought cared about me, it's time to move on. i've got a date this week with a new guy. he seems smart, well-traveled, articulate, nice, communicative and believe it or not, he lives here in town! lands sakes. what's happening to me.

train-er

anyhow, so on to someone new. oh, but not the guy who i sat down next to on the train this morning. who started talking to me. who told me his name is jean pierre and that he makes pastries for a lead restaurant in boston. who told me he was the top-selling real estate agent in the next town last year. who lost his license for a year. (why? and WHY did he tell me this?) whose fingernails were DIRTY like a mechanic's. right. like i'd want to eat his pastry. like he'd be making it. he wanted my card or whatnot so i had him write his phone # down on something i was carrying. so i could think about if i wanted to call him or not. ok, i thought about it. not. but hey, the guy was cute and props to him for making the effort. it kinda made my day start out all nice. he did a good deed. hey, at least someone wants me. (him, and my ex's best friend. hee hee.)

so. the new guy is a cute guy on yahoo who wrote to me. he is a year younger than me, looks cute, is tall, has a good job & looks good with a baby. (what is it with guys and baby pictures? girls wouldn't be caught dead posting them unless they HAVE them. is it like a guy's way to fulfill a girl's dream? "baby, you pick me, you'll have my baby, baby". hmmm.

oh well. more on cutie later. ah. who actually calls HIMSELF cute. hmmm.

too many hmmms. time to quit.

night night.

been around the world...

well, i'm back from my mediterranean cruise. never, never cruise on holland america. just FYI. you may miss the boat b/c they change the shuttle schedules without warning. plus the women are bitchy. who needs that. if you go, make sure it's on celebrity cruises!

anyhow, i had a great trip. and i'm back to my life again. which includes of course, my continuing saga with single men. and myself.

sometimes you have light shine upon you that gives you epiphanies. my latest one is that i tend to date men that are emotionally unavailable. very convenient if you really don't want to get that deep into life. but i do now. so i guess i'll have to experiment around with dating men who ARE available. though they generally appear more flawed than unavailable ones because you can actually get close enough to see their imperfections. ah, sometimes travel is good for the soul.

so begins my quest to meet an emotionally available man. assuming that one can put all of those words in the same sentence & have it make sense... ;) i'll let you know how it goes.

first step: lose the ones that aren't out of my life. that's in progress currently and damn, housecleaning is NO fun.

true blue

so the ex i said goodbye to didn't want to hear it. what is it about men that they need women to put their foot down sometimes before they decide she's really special? or is it the putting down of the foot that is a turn-on? i dunno.

he agreed to comply to my terms for dealing with me and is coming to visit. he says. i'll keep you posted...

meanwhile, my sister has a visitor from canada. a cute guy who just arrived via taxi to go to church with her. i hope they like each other. gees, i've never had a guy from the internet come from another country to visit. and this guy is good -- got his own hotel room (of course) and found his way over to pick her up just like a gentleman. he's even driving. yes, i hope it works out.

funny how life sometimes comes in twos. funny how men work. i still haven't figured it out, however i'm starting to.

one thing i know: men can't fall in love with you unless there is a you to fall in love with. maybe that's the key. just be you and the man who loves that version of you will go crazy over it. after seeing women most of my life that tried to modify themselves to their man, this is a radical concept. but hey. wasn't luther radical. and look what he did!

parting is such bitter nastiness

i've said this b4, but one of the suckiest things about being single is saying goodbye. especially to your exes who you know and love and fight with. sometimes you just have to realize no matter how far you've come personally in life, that other person hasn't come there with you. he has his own agenda and timeline which is lightyears away from yours, which includes babies somewhere in the near future. his fear is so thick you pop it like a balloon. and so you have to, achingly, say Goodbye with a capital G.

i still wait for the day when i am settled down and will not have to lose my men one by one like i did my father. until then, i suppose i will continue to bitch and moan about the nastiness of dating, where you can get just as emotionally involved (perhaps more) than married, but without the protection.

it's about time, o christian, it's about time

finally some good-hearted women are writing good books about being married that are doing wonders for my psyche. they're turning on the lights in the closet and exposing just what it feels like to be married, how much of a shock it is for women, how they handle the very real fear and probability of "losing oneself" in marriage etc etc.

i think this disconnect that all single women face, from the minute they are aware of what marriage is, has been a very real factor for why i'm still single. i remember planning my wedding in elementary school to my then-boyfriend who i never kissed. my bridesmaids had checked gingham dresses and hats. you can imagine what year that was. i've never done it since. the closest i've gotten is wondering how simply i could have the dress look and wondering just how wierd and shy i would feel on my wedding day. like i'm an imposter jumping into some fairytale who shouldn't be there. because i know it's all a fairy-tale. no one can give up their life and merge with another person (my worst nightmare) without having it all go awry. but that wasn't always my nightmare. my nightmare used to be being alone. now that i've done it long enough to see through the fairy-tale and have boyfriends leave me because of my urge-to-merge, i know how damaging that habit can be. somehow there is a middle ground where you keep yourself and still connect. although personally, i've never found it.

anyhow back to the fairy-tale. no intelligent woman can honestly believe it (who doesn't live in some serious denial). all you have to do is look at the statistics and the stunned look on some of your married friends faces and the forced-happy look on others' to tell it's all bs.

getting and being married is plain hard work and only now are women breaking their code of silence and speaking up about how it actually all works & how to survive it and even...make it wonderful.

god bless them. now maybe i can move toward getting married in an intelligent AND blissful fashion.

now what i have to figure out is, not should i MARRY this guy? but even harder, should i marry THIS guy. somebody please write a book for that.