sometimes people surprise you. in both good and bad ways. you can find you've built relationships that survive the test of time no matter what happens. and then you find ones that melt away the first time the sun hits them.
life is a continual study of the human nature. those who evolve, those who deterioriate, those who remain stagnant in their behavior and in their souls.
i think it's because of this study that i keep up this blog. it's not just an exercise in me finding "the one". it's an exercise in studying what happens along the journey.
March 05, 2005
January 15, 2005
a few good men...
...have shown up in the last few days. I mean sweet guys who do nice things because it's the "right thing to do." Guys who call when they say they will, call out of the blue, seem to have no (obvious) agenda and are generally just nice guys.
This is a whole new concept for me. Growing up with a jerk of a dad, I tend to allow that. But I'm finding that when you set limits on behaviour for the guys who are around you, the jerks just kind of de-self-select themselves & go do something else with their jerkiness.
I'm hoping this is actually a fact, not just a coincidence. But it's so much easier to be sweet and kind to guys who are the same. I wonder now whyI was always yelling at guys. I thought it was just cuz I was a bitch. Maybe they just deserved it.
I'll let you know how my new lifestyle works out. So far, over the period of this week, it's making me very happy.
And when you can put "men" and "me" and "happy" together in one sentence (which I didn't, but hypothetically), it is quite a surprising concept -- and i believe could turn out to be quite rewarding.
maybe all the good men aren't married. maybe.
...have shown up in the last few days. I mean sweet guys who do nice things because it's the "right thing to do." Guys who call when they say they will, call out of the blue, seem to have no (obvious) agenda and are generally just nice guys.
This is a whole new concept for me. Growing up with a jerk of a dad, I tend to allow that. But I'm finding that when you set limits on behaviour for the guys who are around you, the jerks just kind of de-self-select themselves & go do something else with their jerkiness.
I'm hoping this is actually a fact, not just a coincidence. But it's so much easier to be sweet and kind to guys who are the same. I wonder now whyI was always yelling at guys. I thought it was just cuz I was a bitch. Maybe they just deserved it.
I'll let you know how my new lifestyle works out. So far, over the period of this week, it's making me very happy.
And when you can put "men" and "me" and "happy" together in one sentence (which I didn't, but hypothetically), it is quite a surprising concept -- and i believe could turn out to be quite rewarding.
maybe all the good men aren't married. maybe.
January 12, 2005
he stabbed me with a pencil...
i'm having nightmares. literally. where i'm with all these cute, young guys and they're torturing me. literally. one of them threw a pencil at me really hard and it went 1/2 inch into my arm. another guy did something mean but i thought he must not have meant it. he acted like he wanted to kiss me and i was like, ok, what the hell. so i kiss him. and he puts something in my mouth. no idea what, but i walked around spitting out stuff for the next forever-when. it was nasty. then i was swimming trying to get away from them & one of them tried to drown me. all in all, not good.
i'm gonna end up 50 and single. i just don't know what there is about me that attracts all these jerks. but every man i've been involved with either bores me or hurts me and god knows why. i'm sure i'm not perfect, but i don't deserve these guy's crappy treatment.
another thing i've learned recently too is that apparently guys don't think i'm interested in them. i had 3 of them tell me that at separate times in the last 2 weeks. i gotta admit i'm not salivating over them (because they don't even live in town & prospects of me moving are slim) & they're not that energizing. but i did want to keep talking.
i'm really f'd up. something's gotta be wrong with me, i just don't know what it is. every guy out there can't be a loser so how come all the guys who like me end up treating me like shit?
i don't know what to do. i guess i'll just have to stop dating period. and buy this URL for the next 25 years. cuz i suppose i'll need it the way i'm going.
oh. one good thing did happen...the guy i have a crush on sat down next to me at a meeting the other day. no particular importance to that, it just was nice.
(who incidentally will probably show up eventually like he never mowed me down. watch...)
p.s. ok, so i'm exaggerating here just a bit. i have a good guy friend who's proving remarkably witty, supportive and reliable lately. so i guess ALL guys don't suck. just the ones who do.
i'm having nightmares. literally. where i'm with all these cute, young guys and they're torturing me. literally. one of them threw a pencil at me really hard and it went 1/2 inch into my arm. another guy did something mean but i thought he must not have meant it. he acted like he wanted to kiss me and i was like, ok, what the hell. so i kiss him. and he puts something in my mouth. no idea what, but i walked around spitting out stuff for the next forever-when. it was nasty. then i was swimming trying to get away from them & one of them tried to drown me. all in all, not good.
i'm gonna end up 50 and single. i just don't know what there is about me that attracts all these jerks. but every man i've been involved with either bores me or hurts me and god knows why. i'm sure i'm not perfect, but i don't deserve these guy's crappy treatment.
another thing i've learned recently too is that apparently guys don't think i'm interested in them. i had 3 of them tell me that at separate times in the last 2 weeks. i gotta admit i'm not salivating over them (because they don't even live in town & prospects of me moving are slim) & they're not that energizing. but i did want to keep talking.
i'm really f'd up. something's gotta be wrong with me, i just don't know what it is. every guy out there can't be a loser so how come all the guys who like me end up treating me like shit?
i don't know what to do. i guess i'll just have to stop dating period. and buy this URL for the next 25 years. cuz i suppose i'll need it the way i'm going.
oh. one good thing did happen...the guy i have a crush on sat down next to me at a meeting the other day. no particular importance to that, it just was nice.
(who incidentally will probably show up eventually like he never mowed me down. watch...)
p.s. ok, so i'm exaggerating here just a bit. i have a good guy friend who's proving remarkably witty, supportive and reliable lately. so i guess ALL guys don't suck. just the ones who do.
December 13, 2004
mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy
i have a crush. a mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy. he's all the things i like. dark haired, younger, shorter (a bit), a great dresser, good with people, smart, funny and generally makes you (me) feel wanted & accepted. oh. and he can't take his eyes off me.
damn. so this is bad. bad because it's so rare. bad because i literally don't even remember the last one i had. i think it was years ago. like 1994. oh. ouch. that would be 10 years ago.
i don't usually get crushes. i usually date people who find me wonderfully attractive and then learn to like them back. attraction is catching after all. however this guy is different. my assumption is that i liked him first. and he didn't catch on for a while until, well, he saw me all dressed up and now this thing is a real-live two-way crush.
the bad thing about crushes is they're just damn frustrating. and to break the frustration, someone has to lose something. me, i've got nothing to lose in this case. except my sanity.
the other thing that has happened is that i'm talking to this really cool guy i met online. the first one that i think i've found normal and attractive in a few years. of course it does help that my tastes in men have changed. this guy is taller, older, blond, and well, i don't know all the rest. seems smart, educated, with-it, and of course, the clincher, he thinks i'm stunningly beautiful (so he said). sounds like a keeper. ;)
so now i have two cuties to try to stop thinking about. i swear, how do two guys that i like happen along at once? and what am i going to do?!
uh-huh, right. nothing. absolutely nothing. we'll just see what happens & figure if there are two guys in this world i think are adorable, damn, there's got to be a lot more! :)
i have a crush. a mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy. he's all the things i like. dark haired, younger, shorter (a bit), a great dresser, good with people, smart, funny and generally makes you (me) feel wanted & accepted. oh. and he can't take his eyes off me.
damn. so this is bad. bad because it's so rare. bad because i literally don't even remember the last one i had. i think it was years ago. like 1994. oh. ouch. that would be 10 years ago.
i don't usually get crushes. i usually date people who find me wonderfully attractive and then learn to like them back. attraction is catching after all. however this guy is different. my assumption is that i liked him first. and he didn't catch on for a while until, well, he saw me all dressed up and now this thing is a real-live two-way crush.
the bad thing about crushes is they're just damn frustrating. and to break the frustration, someone has to lose something. me, i've got nothing to lose in this case. except my sanity.
the other thing that has happened is that i'm talking to this really cool guy i met online. the first one that i think i've found normal and attractive in a few years. of course it does help that my tastes in men have changed. this guy is taller, older, blond, and well, i don't know all the rest. seems smart, educated, with-it, and of course, the clincher, he thinks i'm stunningly beautiful (so he said). sounds like a keeper. ;)
so now i have two cuties to try to stop thinking about. i swear, how do two guys that i like happen along at once? and what am i going to do?!
uh-huh, right. nothing. absolutely nothing. we'll just see what happens & figure if there are two guys in this world i think are adorable, damn, there's got to be a lot more! :)
December 03, 2004
oh no, he's baaaack...
i had the funniest thing happen to me. i was sitting on the train today (friday afternoon) getting bumped here and there by people in a rush. and this guy with about 10 little grocery bags full of food managed to drag them over me & sat down next to me. i determined not to lose all my space to his groceries, so he moved them & apologized. no prob.
so i'm sitting there reading sweet thursday & he starts reading over my shoulder. and says, "popovers. i make good popovers." i look at him & think to myself, hmmm, and of course he says "i'm a pastry chef." oh yes. of course, he's THE pastry chef that tried to pick me up b4. who still has dirty fingernails. and he rambles on about cigarettes or cigars and buying them on deserted street corners in columbia.
i try to imagine if he tries to pick me up again whether i should say "yeah, we've been over this b4" or just pretend i'd never seen him b4. to my happiness and annoyance, he didn't try. that means i didn't look yummy like i had b4 in my cute little suit.
oh well. i guess that means no pastries!
i had the funniest thing happen to me. i was sitting on the train today (friday afternoon) getting bumped here and there by people in a rush. and this guy with about 10 little grocery bags full of food managed to drag them over me & sat down next to me. i determined not to lose all my space to his groceries, so he moved them & apologized. no prob.
so i'm sitting there reading sweet thursday & he starts reading over my shoulder. and says, "popovers. i make good popovers." i look at him & think to myself, hmmm, and of course he says "i'm a pastry chef." oh yes. of course, he's THE pastry chef that tried to pick me up b4. who still has dirty fingernails. and he rambles on about cigarettes or cigars and buying them on deserted street corners in columbia.
i try to imagine if he tries to pick me up again whether i should say "yeah, we've been over this b4" or just pretend i'd never seen him b4. to my happiness and annoyance, he didn't try. that means i didn't look yummy like i had b4 in my cute little suit.
oh well. i guess that means no pastries!
November 27, 2004
happy thanksgiving
i am thankful for many things this weekend. one of which is that i am single. yes, i finally decided i should give thanks for this. for following my heart. and the part of me that knows i am still single because i have chosen to be. because i have the guts to buck society and not marry a person that i don't think is right for me. just to get married. so i am not unhappily married. or divorced. or raising kids on my own. (yet) there are many reasons to be thankful that i am a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of living life on her own.
god is good to give me the strength to do what's best for me & my future kids. timing is everything, says the wise man, solomon. and i'm thankful i've been able to not move forward until i'm ready.
i have more to write, but it will be later. some other time. guests await and i shouldn't be impolite, writing to you before i talk to them. though of course i am anyhow! ah, that independent nature. gotta love it.
i am thankful for many things this weekend. one of which is that i am single. yes, i finally decided i should give thanks for this. for following my heart. and the part of me that knows i am still single because i have chosen to be. because i have the guts to buck society and not marry a person that i don't think is right for me. just to get married. so i am not unhappily married. or divorced. or raising kids on my own. (yet) there are many reasons to be thankful that i am a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of living life on her own.
god is good to give me the strength to do what's best for me & my future kids. timing is everything, says the wise man, solomon. and i'm thankful i've been able to not move forward until i'm ready.
i have more to write, but it will be later. some other time. guests await and i shouldn't be impolite, writing to you before i talk to them. though of course i am anyhow! ah, that independent nature. gotta love it.
November 20, 2004
hmmm
well, i'm back. i've been a bit well, remote lately, & uninteresting. So I decided not to write. At the moment I'm not too pithy and full of little dumb sayings either. But hey, i'm back. and writing in caps and non caps. hmmm.
so i've decided to stop being single. so then i will have no blog. that works. ;)
continuing to choose to be single means that, in my case, you have to turn down people on a continual basis. that gets old. and at some point you wonder where are the people you don't have to turn down. or, are they right in front of you and you don't see them. i'd like to think the first, as i tend to be a bit flexible in who i date, yet can't seem to find the basic requirements. i think it's the irish catholic northeast. oh well.
someday my prince will come riding up with a nametag on him that says "it's me, silly" and then i'll know for sure. unless of course they all read this & decide to buy a horse & learn calligraphy. :)
well, i'm back. i've been a bit well, remote lately, & uninteresting. So I decided not to write. At the moment I'm not too pithy and full of little dumb sayings either. But hey, i'm back. and writing in caps and non caps. hmmm.
so i've decided to stop being single. so then i will have no blog. that works. ;)
continuing to choose to be single means that, in my case, you have to turn down people on a continual basis. that gets old. and at some point you wonder where are the people you don't have to turn down. or, are they right in front of you and you don't see them. i'd like to think the first, as i tend to be a bit flexible in who i date, yet can't seem to find the basic requirements. i think it's the irish catholic northeast. oh well.
someday my prince will come riding up with a nametag on him that says "it's me, silly" and then i'll know for sure. unless of course they all read this & decide to buy a horse & learn calligraphy. :)
November 04, 2004
November 01, 2004
on the road again
well, even though my eyes are still hurting from crying over the betrayal of someone who i thought cared about me, it's time to move on. i've got a date this week with a new guy. he seems smart, well-traveled, articulate, nice, communicative and believe it or not, he lives here in town! lands sakes. what's happening to me.
well, even though my eyes are still hurting from crying over the betrayal of someone who i thought cared about me, it's time to move on. i've got a date this week with a new guy. he seems smart, well-traveled, articulate, nice, communicative and believe it or not, he lives here in town! lands sakes. what's happening to me.
October 11, 2004
train-er
anyhow, so on to someone new. oh, but not the guy who i sat down next to on the train this morning. who started talking to me. who told me his name is jean pierre and that he makes pastries for a lead restaurant in boston. who told me he was the top-selling real estate agent in the next town last year. who lost his license for a year. (why? and WHY did he tell me this?) whose fingernails were DIRTY like a mechanic's. right. like i'd want to eat his pastry. like he'd be making it. he wanted my card or whatnot so i had him write his phone # down on something i was carrying. so i could think about if i wanted to call him or not. ok, i thought about it. not. but hey, the guy was cute and props to him for making the effort. it kinda made my day start out all nice. he did a good deed. hey, at least someone wants me. (him, and my ex's best friend. hee hee.)
so. the new guy is a cute guy on yahoo who wrote to me. he is a year younger than me, looks cute, is tall, has a good job & looks good with a baby. (what is it with guys and baby pictures? girls wouldn't be caught dead posting them unless they HAVE them. is it like a guy's way to fulfill a girl's dream? "baby, you pick me, you'll have my baby, baby". hmmm.
oh well. more on cutie later. ah. who actually calls HIMSELF cute. hmmm.
too many hmmms. time to quit.
night night.
anyhow, so on to someone new. oh, but not the guy who i sat down next to on the train this morning. who started talking to me. who told me his name is jean pierre and that he makes pastries for a lead restaurant in boston. who told me he was the top-selling real estate agent in the next town last year. who lost his license for a year. (why? and WHY did he tell me this?) whose fingernails were DIRTY like a mechanic's. right. like i'd want to eat his pastry. like he'd be making it. he wanted my card or whatnot so i had him write his phone # down on something i was carrying. so i could think about if i wanted to call him or not. ok, i thought about it. not. but hey, the guy was cute and props to him for making the effort. it kinda made my day start out all nice. he did a good deed. hey, at least someone wants me. (him, and my ex's best friend. hee hee.)
so. the new guy is a cute guy on yahoo who wrote to me. he is a year younger than me, looks cute, is tall, has a good job & looks good with a baby. (what is it with guys and baby pictures? girls wouldn't be caught dead posting them unless they HAVE them. is it like a guy's way to fulfill a girl's dream? "baby, you pick me, you'll have my baby, baby". hmmm.
oh well. more on cutie later. ah. who actually calls HIMSELF cute. hmmm.
too many hmmms. time to quit.
night night.
October 09, 2004
been around the world...
well, i'm back from my mediterranean cruise. never, never cruise on holland america. just FYI. you may miss the boat b/c they change the shuttle schedules without warning. plus the women are bitchy. who needs that. if you go, make sure it's on celebrity cruises!
anyhow, i had a great trip. and i'm back to my life again. which includes of course, my continuing saga with single men. and myself.
sometimes you have light shine upon you that gives you epiphanies. my latest one is that i tend to date men that are emotionally unavailable. very convenient if you really don't want to get that deep into life. but i do now. so i guess i'll have to experiment around with dating men who ARE available. though they generally appear more flawed than unavailable ones because you can actually get close enough to see their imperfections. ah, sometimes travel is good for the soul.
so begins my quest to meet an emotionally available man. assuming that one can put all of those words in the same sentence & have it make sense... ;) i'll let you know how it goes.
first step: lose the ones that aren't out of my life. that's in progress currently and damn, housecleaning is NO fun.
well, i'm back from my mediterranean cruise. never, never cruise on holland america. just FYI. you may miss the boat b/c they change the shuttle schedules without warning. plus the women are bitchy. who needs that. if you go, make sure it's on celebrity cruises!
anyhow, i had a great trip. and i'm back to my life again. which includes of course, my continuing saga with single men. and myself.
sometimes you have light shine upon you that gives you epiphanies. my latest one is that i tend to date men that are emotionally unavailable. very convenient if you really don't want to get that deep into life. but i do now. so i guess i'll have to experiment around with dating men who ARE available. though they generally appear more flawed than unavailable ones because you can actually get close enough to see their imperfections. ah, sometimes travel is good for the soul.
so begins my quest to meet an emotionally available man. assuming that one can put all of those words in the same sentence & have it make sense... ;) i'll let you know how it goes.
first step: lose the ones that aren't out of my life. that's in progress currently and damn, housecleaning is NO fun.