seeing-self

k, this is a self-revelation post.

1. seeing single sucks.

that about covers it. don't let this blog convince you otherwise.

you know what it sucks, too. well, that's on a good day. ;) or night...

so that means it doesn't necessarily suck in a bad way, at least all the time. ok, am i convincing you otherwise? ooops. dicks have a way of doing that.

2. i've wished i were a guy nearly my whole life. i think guys have more fun. i think women have much sexier bodies & i wish i could have sex with them AND be straight. since i can't, i'll choose straight. thank you very much.

there, i've come out of the closet.

i'll take a single, straight-up, with a twisted dick.

i'll take some bs, straight up

i can't stand brad the ex-bachelor. first of all, i think he's gay. not that there's anything wrong with that. IF IT WASN'T A DATING SHOW.

second, he's an a*hole. all the times he said oh, you're perfect for me. gets out of the pool & says, i just feel like she's a friend. "& i have to say goodbye now." boots her off the show.

how many exes does he remind me of.

i had a boyfriend once that told me if a guy was talking about all the action he was getting, he wasn't getting ANY. he said it's the quiet guys you gotta watch out for, they're the ones getting all the chicks.

same in dating. it's the BSers that are the nasty ones. i love you baby baby baby baby blah blah blah my guilt is killing me cuz i'm cheating on you so here are some flowers/jewelry/chocolates.

it's the quiet ones that love you.

now, if you could just get them to SAY it...ok, i admit it, that's what flowers are for.

or are they for guilt?

i'm so confused.

dating suits me to a T

it's so funny that i get closer to guys on the train than on some of my dates. today i happened to sit next to this cute guy & was like hmmm, nice legs. long. great jeans. muscles. & how nice they feel all jammed up against mine. cute face too.

i went on a date once where the guy & i were practically sitting on top of each other on the train. then we got to the restaurant & sat down to wait & he was like 5 inches away. he happened to brush up against me & said excuse me. i was like, huh?

great singles think alike

[this blog is in response to Two Date Diva's commentary on "Sometimes, I Really Do Miss Having a Man in the House."]

so i was walking around town at lunch thinking, hmmm. it's really nice to have a man around but then, i've gotten by fine without one. i've bought a car, rented an apartment, saved for retirement, moved across country several times, traveled to more than 50 countries, been travel guide & translater in the outer mongolia of russia, driven in LA, driven in Boston for that matter, been hired & fired...all without a man to call My Own.

then i read Two Date Diva's blog just now & she said it so well. it's much easier to buy a car than kill a spider. dammit. though of course, some of those salesman just are so creepy crawly that you'd wonder what the difference is...

groucha marx

you know what quote i'm referring to.

"I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member".

apparently that's me & marriage. i'm just not cut out for it. i love men, i adore them, but it's not you, it's me, baby.

i've always known i am different. i just don't subscribe to the everywoman dream. sure, i get sad thinking i won't have it, but i just dunno.

it's gonna take a pretty remarkable guy to nail me down. especially since i don't pick carpenters. ;) meaning, guys that are interesting in nailing...well, except for the moment...

not only the lonely

[let me just start this post by giving a shout-out to my new blogger friend, two date diva, whose adventures i intend to follow with the greatest of interest. check out her blog, link to the right. of your screen. yes, there, under the picture.]

message boards are great for newly broken up folks. if you're used to that daily e-mail from your guy, you can now have some stranger yell at you on a routine basis. helps to balance things out, just in case you start feeling low. tips the scales toward lower, which is very helpful because then...you just see-saw back higher when some other stranger yells at the bitchy stranger for you. he just got your back.

wow. you have friends.

[in a small or not so small aside, this is a very interesting topic. the environment of message boards. there are some resident bitches who like to hang there and sting everyone. i think they're all scorpios. then they end their statements by saying "i didn't mean to be mean but..." didja now? thanks for pointing out that word mean, like twice, just in case we ran out of kleenex & didn't notice that's why we were crying there BITCH.

similar to what's his face, the alleged cop killer that was interviewed on the today show today. did you notice how he managed to throw the words in "i did it?" in the phrase, "according to the media..."? if that wasn't interesting enough, he actually LAUGHED when he was asking his wife to come back. why? in the words of my favorite murder mystery writers, "because he knows she is already dead!" hello.]

in light of that [meaning the message board in case you got lost], i'll post a new message board friend's response to my mad hattress post.

"Speaking of hats!!

You went on to say "but i will say, for any girl who wants to catch a guy's attention - baseball caps do it. i can't count the # of guys tonite that looked at me twice & then up & down" There is an article titled "8 Suprising Turn-ons for Men" number 3 is Baseall Caps. It says you are strong,sporty,comfortable kicking back. It also goes to say it can get you into conversations about your favorite team..."

thanks dude!

to update. today i'm wearing a black newsboy hat, crocheted. you'd a thunk i turned into a model. if baseball caps rate #3, this rates #4. i coulda grabbed about 5 guys & kissed them right on the street just on the way to get lunch, & they woulda loved it. (for a couple so would i!)

go hats. this winter, i AM the mad hattress! boys of boston, be afraid. be very afraid.

king of sexyback mountain

so it's been a few months since my break-up & i'm finally getting back to normal again. other than a few sad feelings here & there, i think i've left my ex in the dust to pine about me & miss me when he least expects it. or not. whatever. who cares.

it really takes a lot of work to get back to the who cares spot. it's like the pinnacle of a mountain ruled only by me, where i emerge victorious & sexyback, after much hard-earned climbing. talk about blood, sweat & tears. i earned the king of the mountain spot, every time, dammit.

but, as fate would have it, men are men. and as soon as i get there, lonely and strong, some other sexy adventurer wants to come along & knock me off my pinnacle. and into his arms. or bed. (and as you know, after cold, lonely, mountain wandering, frigid temperatures from other women, & the gale wind at the top, beds are a very friendly place to be.) besides, it's lonely at the top. don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

this scenario has happened more times than i can count. the break-up, the long-hard road up sexyback mountain, planting my flag with great ceremony (usually a small, onion pizza & a large martini). & then being swept off the mountain nearly against my will into yet another relationship, which somehow seems more promising than the last one i just ran kicking and screaming from.

& then reality hits, & the "nooks & crannies" of relationship mountaineering starts all over again.

anyway, back to the point. it's invariable that when you're hot & single & waving this "i don't give a f* about you" flag, all kinds of hot kings of the mountains appear to rule YOUR mountain.

ok. i give in. bring 'em on. my flag is being printed as we speak...

the mad hattress

well, i took myself out dancing 2nite with a friend. i really wasn't prepared to dance, we actually went out to see american gangster (did YOU think he was really going to shoot that guy?). then we were like hmmm. drinks. then all of a surprise, they were dancing at the vault. which is so wierd. it's like this business lunch place.

so of course, i'm wearing my new red sox world series baseball cap, too-big jeans, american eagle shirt & gray zip-up sweatshirt. and gray tennis shoes. but still, i manage to attract cute guy who talks to me randomly a couple times. & then me & my g-friend went over & started dancing. it was pretty fun actually, for kind of an upscale, young, snobby crowd.

my guy of course ended up dancing with a lot of people, but liked this superpretty girl that looked like a skinnier version of me with brown hair. and well, dressed to dance. she was kissing him a bit & whatnot.

made me sad & miss my liar ex. (have to distinguish between him & the cheater.) he liked to dance & we had fun with that.

before we went dancing, i bought a funky new fashion hat which is vaguely warm. but a modified poorboy type that looks pretty sexy. i guess i'm just doing this new image thing which apparently involves wearing three hats in one night. 2nite i started out wearing the baseball cap, put a warm one in for the walk home from the train & then bought the gray plaid thing that looks sexy.

i can't say i've ever worn 3 hats in one night before.

but i will say, for any girl who wants to catch a guy's attention - baseball caps do it. i can't count the # of guys tonite that looked at me twice & then up & down.

in fact, it was my hat that got the cute guy in the bar talking to me. he asked me what was up & i actually started talking about the celtics.

(ROFL)

who woulda thunk it.

go sox. really.

a guinness virgin abroad

well, when i was watching the world series down the street (YEA RED SOX!) at the new rehabbed local bar, i decided to become a guinness girl. it was either that or stella (i told myself), & i picked guinness. it sounds kinda powerful & smart.

so tonite i run over to the package store to pick up a 6-pack & my standard bacardi backup, & then i get an onion pizza. sit down & watch my fav sitcom & i'm like hmmm. something's in this bottle.

so first i think it's ice. then it doesn't melt. then i think well, maybe it's a finger. you know, like it got caught off, stuck & froze there. kinda like the wendy's fiasco. then i wonder if it's just a fluke. like a part of bottle drifted off & went & hid there during processing. but since my beer still tastes ok (not like on draft, but not terrible), i keep drinking. waste not want not.

so i get about done with my guinness & turn the bottle upside down. this little thing looks kinda like a contraceptive or a little boy's body part. i'm thinking, well, either i won a prize (i actually looked at the bottle & no, there wasn't any where's waldo on the outside) or this is supposed to be here.

i of course can't call my friends & let on that i'm crazy for not knowing what this little thingymabob is, so i go online.

turns out i am the proud possessor of a rocket widget. the latest in beer foaming technology.

of course i can't take my widget out to play, because it's stuck in the bottle. which is a little dissappointing because i'd like a new toy that looks like a little boy toy rocket. i'm a little frustrated actually. i have a widget to play with and no way of getting it out of the bottle.

thanks guinness. it was a great beer but what about my widget? when does it come out to play?

liar liar, oh my pants are on fire!

ian coburn, in his awesome book, god is a woman, talks about how women lie to themselves.

damn, do we ever.

i'm on these message boards & some chick worries about her boyfriend cheating overseas. she says to him, are you cheating or something to that effect. his response is unintelligible and it makes no sense. he of course, never says no. in fact, here's his exact response:

"you're not going to cheat on me, so why would I? how come I'm going to cheat and you're absolutely not. Ever?"

read carefully here, he basically admits he's cheating. in case you missed it, he actually says "i'm going to cheat." instead of trusting her gut, she asks all the girls on the board, should she be worried? they rally around her telling her, no, don't worry about it. she says ok, we're gonna be together forever so i need to trust him.

does she stop worrying? no. she lies to herself not only about his possible cheating, but now about the fact that she should care. now we have two lies, supported by all her online friends.

i draft a response saying, yehuh, you should care. what kinda lameass response did he just give you? then i delete it. why? she can't handle the truth.

i did it. i saw other girls do it. we all lie to ourselves to stay with cheaters. we even lie to them. "yes, mr. possible cheater, my boyfriend, my love, i believe you when you said you never lied to me."

(just for the record, am i being bitter and saying all men cheat? NO! in case you missed the topic of this post, rewind to the beginning and start over...)

i dunno why we lie, but we do. why? the alternative is being alone. or that's what we tell ourselves. (yet another lie we tell ourselves, that makes 3, since another guy hotter than the one before always comes along 6.5 months after losing the loser...)

right about now i'll say chalk one up for being alone for the next 5 months until hotter guy shows up.

this bud's for me.

cheatin': ID'd 'em

ok, if you got that header, you're a pro.

so i'm getting better at IDing cheaters. this guy owns this store i went in, hit on me hard. i was like, damn, ok. what was that. came over to my dance class.

then started saying "come over to the store..." "call me" "blah blah blah".

i was like hmmm. lemme see now. he's not callin' me, asking for my phone number, taking me out for dinner, why would that be?

i axed his ass. [dusts off hands] [spits disgustedly]