what is this anyway?

i'm feeling something odd. fear of a guy being smarter than me. it is so wierd.

i don't usually date guys that i either respect or admire completely. it seems on some fundamental level they're missing either one of those things. i have yet to find out my doc's weaknesses, which will probably be very obvious when they do appear, but until that time i'm just a little in awe of the things he talks & thinks about.

and it's scary.

like the topic of respect. we were talking about respect and he was saying we have a healthy level of respect between us. and i was like, um, we need to talk more about that. that's not a concept i'm familiar with.

so when i brought it up again, so now we could talk about it, he was like, ok, what do you want to talk about? and i said, um, again, this is not a concept that i'm familiar with, so how about YOU talk? so he monologued for a few minutes on the topic of respect & his opinion of it. and i listened & walked around the issue & generally went hmmm.

a very big hmmm.

those of you that have come from families with little respect, you will understand my not understanding this concept.

and after the conversation i found myself wondering if he is arrogant or if i am just so unsure about dating a guy that is stronger and more powerful than i. being a very strong woman, this almost never occurs. so i don't know what to make of being the weaker or more protected gender, shall we say, in a r-ship.

i will have to think on this more. many things to think about now...

oh the horror

i cried my eyes out a few nights ago, just terrified. it is absolutely considered a life-threatening experience for me (by my psyche) to really really like someone. it's like i have this fear of thawing out in the hot tub, that if i do, when i melt, i will have no spine left at all & then turn into a wet spaghetti noodle. which will then be consumed by a mean monster of noodles, and i will cease to exist.

part of this is that i tend to flip-flop from highly independent to highly dependent & guys just go WTF? at that. not like i don't.

i'm trying to figure out how to transition slowly from in- to dep- and still maintain a sense of self. it's a very shaky sense of self i have anyway.

the good thing is, is that my doc highly values the self he has seen in me, and he wants to keep it. he's not one about having me be his-self, but my-self. (yes, there are guys who just want you to be whatever they want...)

i think part of my terror is that it's too much too soon. i mean, i've known him less than 1 month. this is not 3-, 6- or 9-month conversations were having. so i think my reticence to jump in & risk noodling is warranted. he, on the other hand, believes in the theory of loving like you've never been hurt. part of me skeptically thinks that is a fine strategy for a guy who is pursuing & deciding when to call & when not to. or when to visit. he can just back off & stop & then he is protected. me, i have to decide how much to let him in.

alison armstrong talks about how receiving from a man is an active behavior. that is so true. there is nothing passive about it. the whole concept of sex is based on that. in the pursuit or whatever it is, you decide, based on the guy's intentions, what you will allow. this is what frustrates men so much about women. that we control their advances. the challenge is to receive with grace and yet keep some sort of protection up (yes, i have to do this) so that if he decides after 3 months or 3 dates or 3 minutes not to keep calling, then i will not jump back out in the snow & freeze myself again for another few years of men-free existence.

actually there's not much chance of that, as lately my problem is just how to handle the guys i currently have in my life. my female counselors (i.e. mom, friend) say it's fine to piss off a few guys about now that have no intention of being anything but playmates, in favor of someone who is actually serious about me & what we've got.

in that line, i've decided not to contact mr. NY when i go to NY, and if he contacts me, i will think twice about even seeing him. he is very good at seducing me, and given that my doc will probably be calling to find out how my conference presentations went, i'm not sure that i want to have him realize i'm not spending the night alone. and in fact, i'm not sure i'm even interested in fooling around with mr. NY anymore unless i don't have any other options. which now i do.

the reason being that in the level of respect for me, my doc appears to respect me somewhere near the top of empire state building, while mr. NY's level lands somewhere near the first floor. i was warned about mr. NY's lack of disrespect for women and i sure heard it when we had a fight and he said he'd wish he never met me, and other very mean things that had no reason to be said, given that we were only fighting b/c i asked him what something he said meant.

given what mr. NY said to me & how mean he was, i actually should have just not bothered again. but we've made up &, well, we'll see.

i have no standing commitment to my doc at this point so i can still do whatever i want, but i'm finding whatever i want to do is changing. i'd rather have an emotionally-satisfying conversation with him than fool around with another guy who doesn't respect me or particularly care what i do now or any time.

i must be - maturing?

just can't get away with it

i'm fascinated by my doc's read of me. yesterday he was telling me something & said "i don't remember if i told you this before..." & i said, "no, you didn't, it was probably some other chic." & he went like whoa.

& then he just was like wait a minute, i don't know when you're joking or serious if you say things like that, and i don't know how to respond to them. and he just wouldn't let it go. i was very fascinated. so i listened to him talk about it & didn't really know what to make of it. as he told me once, i just kind of walked around the issue & looked at it for a while. i'm still not sure what it was all about.

i finally said well, i'm not sure what i meant. i mean i might have meant that you might have said this to some girl in the hallway or i might have meant it for what it sounded like. i don't really know. i mean i said it & all, so you can take that for what it is. he seemed relieved at that answer, that i said i didn't know what i meant.

i have to clarify with him what his point was. i think it was that he wanted me to explain what i meant by it. but since he didn't directly ask, i wasn't sure what form my response was supposed to take.

this is the second time something like this has happened with him. and i like it. it is uncomfortable, like the hands of some new massage therapist on you, but it is cool. i told him gee, you don't let me get away with anything do you? i kinda like that. he said he did actually...

part of me is very uncomfortable with this level of disclosure. i am a hider. i don't reveal things. but i guess my discomfort with how fast things were moving & the potential for it to all be a hoax came out that way, in a snide comment about who else he might be seeing - aka confusing with me in his head...

in any case, we moved past the awkward part of that conversation & went on.

this happened once before, where he immediately reflected back to me how the intent of my communication with him was perceived. i find it refreshing and terrifying. i mean people don't usually tell you how your actions impact them in the moment it happens, and they definitely don't stop you & say, whoa, wait a minute. people tend to let sleeping dogs lie until they turn into vicious killing machines & that's the end of a relationship.

but actually i've started doing this myself lately. a long-time childhood friend said something rude about my mother and i immediately said, wow, that's not nice. so i'm starting to do that myself. but it is rare and uncomfortable.

i'm still not sure how i feel about this. he is a loving person and he cares about me so his questioning is not designed to do anything but define how i feel about him in return, it seems. but it is strange. i need to pursue this more to see what it's all about.

i do rather like a manly man though, one who can call me on my BS & say, hey! yo! what??

very like.

What are you doing here? man asks wife at brothel

...in a surprising twist, the couple is divorcing...

breathing it in

i have a guy very interested in me who calls every day and wants to hear about my life. he loves to make me laugh, tells me i'm awesome, and is spending hours researching what we're going to do while he is here.

for however long it lasts (my skeptic kicking in like an angry unborn child) i've hit the jackpot.

did i tell you that this guy is not only cute, and that is just super cool since i like cute guys with adorable smiles, he is also hispanic? which i have favored since i first visited central america when i was young. he also wasn't raised by his rather philandering father & upon my questioning (yes i know latin men) seems to embrace the monogamy idea - with more comfort than i have with it, it seems.

mr. busy is calling, trying to figure out why i haven't bought my plane ticket out to see him yet. i'm not sure about that. i've spent thousands of dollars on going to his area over the past few years & yet no offer to fly me out (as my doc has suggested he'd do). and i was advised by my mom's boyfriend not to see them both on the same trip. ok. i mean i would do that, but i do tend to listen to smart men...

so i haven't done anything about the feb trip & haven't returned mr. busy's calls yet. i will put him off until after my doc visits & then go from there.

i'm really not inclined to spend more money on a guy that doesn't want to hear about my day & how i am. i mean if you have your needs met with a cute available guy, why waste time with a cute not-available guy? i think mr. busy thinks he is going to be available in the near future & wants me to be around just in case.

but i don't have that kinda time. or interest. or money.

so i think i'll just see what happens...put your money where your interest is, that's what i say.

(oh wise me!)

unloved

i'm feeling completely unloved tonite. like if there is any love in the world, i have not even a piece of it.

my doc & i have been talking daily. probably too much. i've been pretty honest with where i'm coming from (aka, my past experience) & there is something that is bothering him about it. or something. not sure what. i don't expect him to call tonite even.

some conversations are best had in person & i think getting to know somebody is that way. without seeing someone's face you really miss the ability to connect their experiences to them. it's all in your head & i think it's just wierd.

he is a very loving person, i can tell from his interactions with me & other people. but i don't feel any of it right now. i just feel lost & lonely.

sigh.

he bought a ticket & will be here in a couple weeks. that should be interesting. i would have said fun until i realized how scared i am getting. of course it will be fun, but right now i don't feel any fun. i just feel f*d up & that nobody can love me this way.

not that it's my fault what's happened to me in life, i just wish i were further down the road toward recovery. and i'm not.

another sigh.

sometimes i'm not sure how much self-disclosure you should do when you're getting to know people. and when. and how. it's all a formula that is different for each person. at this point, i don't feel like pretending that my life is any different than it is. if guys like authentic women, as supposedly they do, i have been authentic. it's just not fun to admit that you are not as happy as you'd like to be & have a ways to grow yet. but then maybe better to admit you realize it than to just act it out, when invariably, it pops out when least expected...

doc is in the house...

ok, well, he will be. :) he's planning a visit, just confirming dates.

v. excited.

anonymous wrote a comment a few days ago about being friends. sure. i'll try. but this is like asking a starving person to sit down at a banquet & not eat.

but i can dream about it, if i can't do it all right...

the show goes on...

my doc is still around. that's his new online name.

he's been calling & texting & is super affectionate & interested in me. it looks like he just might be a keeper.

i'm currently planning a trip to LA to see mr. busy & will see if my doc wants me to take extra days to see him, or what his schedule is like. he already said he will fly me out, but if i'm already there might make sense to just go over there.

mr. NY is going to come visit also when he gets back in the country, so that should be cool.

my doc is clearly first choice but given that i've known him only a week, mr. NY a couple years, and mr. busy like 15 years, i will keep them around. at least until i have something going on with my doc. given that he's in CA, it would be a few months before either of us is even living in the same place - even if we tried - and i just don't trust guys enough to try to have an exclusive relationship long-distance.

but it's nice to have options. and right now my doc is clearly making me happy.

i like.

i met a real guy who treats me like a lady...

applause for anonymous's comments to the "is it me" post. apparently it's not.

these guys do exist, it's not a myth. i just met one this weekend!

in an odd twist of fate, i heard this guy sing in church. long story short, next thing he's singing with our choir, going out with us saturday night, rescuing us sunday from the ER-incident, at our party, taking me to the airport - and wants to fly me out to go skiing with him at mammoth.

he's an adorable - read killer smile, deep voice, kind, sweet, laid-back but not a pushover - doctor who has, gasp, weekends off. he finds me - shockingly - fascinating, and generally thinks i'm awesome.

which he said when he hugged me goodbye at the airport.

now of course, the skeptical me is trying to yell, but i'm trying to silence that side for a change.

as anonymous said, he's not flirting. he's treating me like a lady - as evidenced that he didn't even try to make out with me - and, he, did i say, finds me fascinating, already?

wow. i'm in - awe. as evidenced by the fact that i am clearly stuttering in my writing.

more to come along this theme. i hope! really i do.

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg

this is me screaming.

i am SO frustrated with men.

like another hot friend of mine pointed out - it doesn't matter if you're hot anymore. men just want 10 of you.

what is the answer? i'm stuck in a timewarp.

between feminism (which didn't work) and f*ckism (which also didn't work).

where are we now?

i have no fricken clue. but i'll let you know when i figure it out.

update to "games people play"

oh, to continue my former train...mr. russia informed me that both of his comments were true. he was in town generally & he was going back & forth between towns.

nice to know.

he expressed no interest in seeing me which was duh, the whole point of telling him i'm coming to town. but then, that's how he is.

so i have more respect now that he told the truth but still think his intent was to appear noncommittal to my visit.

which he completely succeeded on.