nothing to live for

what is there to live for when you come home alone every night?

i'm so lonely.

family

...has been in town. so i haven't really seen anyone lately...

miss my guys!!

and around we go

so of course i've decided to keep my cap in my life.

so he just wants to be fwb, oh well. i was better off dating other people anyway & keeping him as a backup.

there is something about him that just is adventurous. i don't know, i like. i don't ever know what's going to happen with him & it's really cool. & i'm ok with that.

he said he still wants to be friends. i was like, but only if you care about me. i mean, dude. and still, i will get upset if you don't call sometimes. how will you handle that.

he's so worried about how will i handle being friends. how will he handle being the type of friend that i want? that was my question back...

i'm still hearing from mr. 5-years ago. little flirtation here & there. mom is in town so not really seeing anyone. but hmmm. i just don't get that sense of adventure though with him.

i dunno. not so sure i can give that up. the jerk really was interesting to interact with all the time, you never knew what would happen next. obviously. lol. so maybe let's dial it down a bit from running off without warning, so my cap is that. on the other end is mr. 5-years ago. predictable in some ways.

i'm afraid of that. or afraid of getting bored with it. do i even want to date one guy? i'm thinking...

the conference this weekend was fantastic. it really put in my head a vision of what kind of loving relationship is possible. i mean people had stories of them being sick & guys helping them. i don't get sick. guys help me with my computer. no save the world thing. but hmmm. i'm missing out on a lot, so it sounds.

although, women do tend to tell the best & leave the worst out. except for me. i do it the other way around.

for example, i will tell you how upset my cap makes me when he just wants to be friends blah blah blah. but do i tell you how i yell at him out of the blue & this really upsets him? yup. that's a big problem with me & guys.

so my new goal is not to get really upset around them. it really turns them off. or i mean, not get really upset AT them.

ok, we'll see how well i do...

open space

there is this thing in the conferences i'm going to about creating space.

so excited.

now that my ex-cap didn't want that space he held in my heart, i can give it to someone else. or keep it for me.

i am so thankful. he freed up not only that space, but my guilt.

i realized, as i told him today in a text, i always blamed myself for us not getting along. now i realize that i will be able to get along with a guy that really loves me!

exhaling.

never make assumptions...

So I finally got it figured out. This is interesting because it shows the assumptions you make sometimes that are so far off!

I thought my cap didn't want to date me again because we didn't get along. So in my reasoning, if that improved, things might change. So I was focusing on getting along.

I didn't realize he didn't have feelings for me. In which case he has no interest in getting along!

Which is why we had a fight. He was trying to cut things off.

I had a thing on FB but took it down that said I finally realized when you're not getting along with someone but you're trying, it's because they don't want to.

Funny how you make assumptions & then find out you're all wrong!

done

well that's it.

the man that makes me happiest in the world - doesn't even want to date me.

how ironic.

he thinks f*ing, kissing, going out to dinner, movies, etc. all is fine if we are friends. but dating? no.

i have too many faults for that. which he didn't even want to go down the list over.

showing that indeed, there was a list.

where do i find these guys? i know them for years and all they see is my weaknesses.

i deleted him from facebook & made my myspace private.

that's the end.

biting tongue

i am biting my electronic tongue, trying not to write to my cap & just be like, ok, i'm turning 40 on friday, so i don't have any more time to waste. if nothing has changed since our discussion 2 years ago, let's not even have another one b/c i don't enjoy them.

then a million reasons of why i am still single flood into my head & i determine not to be a hatchet girl anymore.

what will happen when i'm 40? will life change? will i still NOT want to hang around him? right. i already don't not want to hang around him. in case your lost, this means I DO. so cutting off my nose to spite my face will, what?

clearly, he brings out a side of me or offers me something no one else does that makes all the hassle worthwhile. just saying i won't waste my time anymore on a going-nowhere relationship indicates that, well, i think i want to be doing something different. i'm not even sure what that is.

do i even want to settle down & date exclusively? i'm not sure. so why set it up so that i am doing that?

urgh. self-control 101.

step away from the keyboard...

moment of truth?

well, i've come back around to that spot i keep hitting with my cap.

he doesn't respond to my uh, hints, to meet up for, a day or so. then i get upset. and he gets annoyed that i get upset.

he responded to my upset e-mails by calling and asking what i want from him. (in a nice way, not justlikethat.)

i didn't have an answer. i don't think there is anything we can work out that is good for both of us. for starters, i said, i was hoping to find out if we can get along. well, said he, yeah, but that isn't looking good right now.

he kept asking me like how many times what i wanted from him, & finally i said i wanted more from him than just friends. my guess is he just wanted to hear it.

he actually sounded happy about that. & said we could talk more about it later on in the week.

so here we go again. maybe. through this cycle. i don't think there is any solution. but i'm curious at what will happen if we talk through it.

i don't even know what to say anymore. i just adore this guy. but he's not going to get into a relationship that would satisfy me. so i guess maybe i should just ask him back, so putting aside what i want for a minute, what is available to me?

my guess is, nothing. but interestingly enough, he has come back around again & is suggesting we have this conversation AGAIN. and seems happy to have it.

what it will bring, i don't know. i'm not going to give up anyone else i am dating, but if we could even get along, hmmm. it would be nice.

in my fantasies, we have a great relationship. i just don't see how to translate that to reality...and i've never dated someone so distant before, who hasn't even HAD a conversation like this with a woman. meaning, no woman has even asked him why he waits a day to respond to messages to him.

i am the first.

i love...

the comment by anonmyous to my previous post. thank you! i do deserve it! it's just so fricken complicated...here's how.

i spent most of yesterday with mr. 5-years ago. he's tall, good-looking, smart, sweet. we spent 9 hours straight together. & i didn't want him to go.

we furminated my kitty, lol, hopped in the car & drive down to faneuil hall, walked around & found a good place to eat down near the courthouse, had a drink & watched the redsox, & then went & had dinner & watched the redsox some more (i did. on my new company-sponsored blackberry.)

he is well-traveled, sweet, accomplished (an architect) and is a good dad to a couple kids.

he kissed me good night & i was ok about it. & i woke up this morning normal.

after he left, i fumed most of the night over my caps delayed text message to me. battery died, forgot to e-mail me back. only to wake up to an e-mail this morning in my gmail. as i pondered the little blue envelope (gmail notifier) when i was opening the e-mail, i thought to self, it would be nice to hear from my cap. but that wouldn't happen.

it did. he was asking if i wanted to do brunch, let him know. i already have brunch plans. part of my new plan-my-weekend life which is doing wonderful things for me. including the need to up my cell-phone plan b/c i went 300 texts over limit, last month.

so my dilemma is this.

mr. 5-years ago who i will now call my architect (who is a very good and successful one, btw) is very sweet. he fills an emotional need for me.

my cap, makes me happy. deep down inside. i have never ever experienced anything like this. my mother has been dating a guy that does the same thing for her. has been, as they insist they can't be together because of their strong religious beliefs. but she met the first guy in her life that makes her super super happy - at 78. i did way before that...

also, i have known my cap for years. and my architect, not for long. i liked my cap from the second i met him, and have never stopped. he has seen me at my worst during both our first AND second rounds of dating, and been sweet to me every moment. he is a good family man, and is rock-solid in terms of dependability. he is super sexy and just - what can i say. he calms me down & fills me up at the same time. emotionally, he fills my soul.

actually there is no dilemma. i should do nothing & keep seeing them both. my architect lives out of town & my cap doesn't. so things can work out perfectly. i don't really think i want to be exclusive right now anyway because i just actually don't think i can have it all & i don't know what to do about that.

so this is the new post-jerk me. not wanting to watch my dreams of having a family & kid, which i might be able to have with my architect, fall down the drain. but knowing that giving up something in life that is fulfilling me (my cap) in favor of of something i don't even have yet or might never have or might not like it if i have it, isn't a good trade off.

happiness is fleeting for me. i didn't grow up a happy person. i was shy. and then after my dad left, i lost my world. so i essentially have felt homeless since i was 14. i've done the "right thing" for so many years that i now tend to do the opposite just to see what will happen. unless there is a moral issue involved.

now i have a sweet guy who is giving me temporary happiness, and one who may offer long-term happiness. i'm actually not inclined to give up either, but if i have to, i'm not sure i could give up someone that i wake up smiling in the morning AFTER i see them. those are the types of guys i'd wish i were having an affair with if i WERE committed.

one of the reasons i am still single is because i firmly believe that if you settle down with someone that is cool, and meet someone who is hot, you will then want to have an affair with mr. hot. that is just what happened to a co-worker of mine, who finally married her ho-hum boyfriend of 5 years or so who she never had anything good to say about, and then met the love of her life 3 months later. she is now getting divorced, a good thing. she told me don't get married. (let me just say about the new guy she met, i had a crush on him also when i first met him. he is just super-awesome, smart, nice, and well, seems like the perfect guy. so when i say hot, i mean, got it ALL going on.)

i can't wait to attend the seminar on men & marraige by understandmen.com. it will help me finally and forever resolve this pressure to take on this commitment that appears to me to be binding and archaic, unless of course, i have many things to gain from it. i see women gaining very little from marraige, and i am not convinved (admits i for the first time ever) that it is for me. kids, yes. kids is the part that is devestating to not have. i think. (breathes in bird-song-filled air on a quiet sunday morning drinking coffee with cat.) certainly i am content with my life and my decisions.

content. my architect.

but happy. my cap.

how important is happy? i gotta tell you, right now, for me, it is everything.

is that so short-sighted?

the horror

ok, well, in this case, it's the fear, but i like that quote from the former pets.com sock puppet. you didn't know this but i used to run his online fan club. yes i did. for years. people loved the sock.

anyway.

so i wrote my cap last night asking what his weekend was looking like & haven't heard back yet. that's an eternity in my head, a second in his. (from last night until now.) this is the part where it's hard to keep my self-confidence up. this is hte problem we ran into when we were dating.

i wanted to see him. he wanted to be at the funnest place possible. which meant with all his friends. out.

hence the reason we stopped dating.

i was ok with this, well, until i start getting addicted or attached to him. he doesn't have this happen regarding me so it's all one-sided. & here i am wondering when i'll see him again.

i don't like this part of the open relationship thing. i don't like the not knowing. but it is also the most attractive part of the relationship to. the not knowing. it makes things interesting. keeps things interesting.

that hardest part of relating to a guy is keeping up your confidence. alison armstrong writes about this & it's so true. when men & women date, it's not the guy that changes (the most) it's the woman. we get clingy, why don't you love me, why don't you call me. the girl the guy THOUGHT he was bringing home was a bubbly confident f*you type who didn't need him to choose every adverb for her, & now there she is bawling on the floor because he watches a little round ball being thrown around too long & doesn't love her anymore.

sigh.

well, i have stuff going on. mr. 5-years ago is going to stop by today. tonite i could do 2 or 3 different things, including meet up with the bachlorette b*, but i dunno. i might just chill at home. we'll see...gotta be a vin diesel movie out there i haven't seen yet.

i went to a meet & mix thing last night & met a new guy. he's a software engineer, seems sweet. but every sad. i'm not sure just cuz it was laid off. i don't think i can deal with sad guys.

one thing about my cap is that he might not be around all that much but he doesn't have a current of anger or sadness running through his veins that depresses me. i have too much sadness of my own to want any more...

waves back to princess b!