not only the lonely

[let me just start this post by giving a shout-out to my new blogger friend, two date diva, whose adventures i intend to follow with the greatest of interest. check out her blog, link to the right. of your screen. yes, there, under the picture.]

message boards are great for newly broken up folks. if you're used to that daily e-mail from your guy, you can now have some stranger yell at you on a routine basis. helps to balance things out, just in case you start feeling low. tips the scales toward lower, which is very helpful because then...you just see-saw back higher when some other stranger yells at the bitchy stranger for you. he just got your back.

wow. you have friends.

[in a small or not so small aside, this is a very interesting topic. the environment of message boards. there are some resident bitches who like to hang there and sting everyone. i think they're all scorpios. then they end their statements by saying "i didn't mean to be mean but..." didja now? thanks for pointing out that word mean, like twice, just in case we ran out of kleenex & didn't notice that's why we were crying there BITCH.

similar to what's his face, the alleged cop killer that was interviewed on the today show today. did you notice how he managed to throw the words in "i did it?" in the phrase, "according to the media..."? if that wasn't interesting enough, he actually LAUGHED when he was asking his wife to come back. why? in the words of my favorite murder mystery writers, "because he knows she is already dead!" hello.]

in light of that [meaning the message board in case you got lost], i'll post a new message board friend's response to my mad hattress post.

"Speaking of hats!!

You went on to say "but i will say, for any girl who wants to catch a guy's attention - baseball caps do it. i can't count the # of guys tonite that looked at me twice & then up & down" There is an article titled "8 Suprising Turn-ons for Men" number 3 is Baseall Caps. It says you are strong,sporty,comfortable kicking back. It also goes to say it can get you into conversations about your favorite team..."

thanks dude!

to update. today i'm wearing a black newsboy hat, crocheted. you'd a thunk i turned into a model. if baseball caps rate #3, this rates #4. i coulda grabbed about 5 guys & kissed them right on the street just on the way to get lunch, & they woulda loved it. (for a couple so would i!)

go hats. this winter, i AM the mad hattress! boys of boston, be afraid. be very afraid.

king of sexyback mountain

so it's been a few months since my break-up & i'm finally getting back to normal again. other than a few sad feelings here & there, i think i've left my ex in the dust to pine about me & miss me when he least expects it. or not. whatever. who cares.

it really takes a lot of work to get back to the who cares spot. it's like the pinnacle of a mountain ruled only by me, where i emerge victorious & sexyback, after much hard-earned climbing. talk about blood, sweat & tears. i earned the king of the mountain spot, every time, dammit.

but, as fate would have it, men are men. and as soon as i get there, lonely and strong, some other sexy adventurer wants to come along & knock me off my pinnacle. and into his arms. or bed. (and as you know, after cold, lonely, mountain wandering, frigid temperatures from other women, & the gale wind at the top, beds are a very friendly place to be.) besides, it's lonely at the top. don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

this scenario has happened more times than i can count. the break-up, the long-hard road up sexyback mountain, planting my flag with great ceremony (usually a small, onion pizza & a large martini). & then being swept off the mountain nearly against my will into yet another relationship, which somehow seems more promising than the last one i just ran kicking and screaming from.

& then reality hits, & the "nooks & crannies" of relationship mountaineering starts all over again.

anyway, back to the point. it's invariable that when you're hot & single & waving this "i don't give a f* about you" flag, all kinds of hot kings of the mountains appear to rule YOUR mountain.

ok. i give in. bring 'em on. my flag is being printed as we speak...

the mad hattress

well, i took myself out dancing 2nite with a friend. i really wasn't prepared to dance, we actually went out to see american gangster (did YOU think he was really going to shoot that guy?). then we were like hmmm. drinks. then all of a surprise, they were dancing at the vault. which is so wierd. it's like this business lunch place.

so of course, i'm wearing my new red sox world series baseball cap, too-big jeans, american eagle shirt & gray zip-up sweatshirt. and gray tennis shoes. but still, i manage to attract cute guy who talks to me randomly a couple times. & then me & my g-friend went over & started dancing. it was pretty fun actually, for kind of an upscale, young, snobby crowd.

my guy of course ended up dancing with a lot of people, but liked this superpretty girl that looked like a skinnier version of me with brown hair. and well, dressed to dance. she was kissing him a bit & whatnot.

made me sad & miss my liar ex. (have to distinguish between him & the cheater.) he liked to dance & we had fun with that.

before we went dancing, i bought a funky new fashion hat which is vaguely warm. but a modified poorboy type that looks pretty sexy. i guess i'm just doing this new image thing which apparently involves wearing three hats in one night. 2nite i started out wearing the baseball cap, put a warm one in for the walk home from the train & then bought the gray plaid thing that looks sexy.

i can't say i've ever worn 3 hats in one night before.

but i will say, for any girl who wants to catch a guy's attention - baseball caps do it. i can't count the # of guys tonite that looked at me twice & then up & down.

in fact, it was my hat that got the cute guy in the bar talking to me. he asked me what was up & i actually started talking about the celtics.

(ROFL)

who woulda thunk it.

go sox. really.

a guinness virgin abroad

well, when i was watching the world series down the street (YEA RED SOX!) at the new rehabbed local bar, i decided to become a guinness girl. it was either that or stella (i told myself), & i picked guinness. it sounds kinda powerful & smart.

so tonite i run over to the package store to pick up a 6-pack & my standard bacardi backup, & then i get an onion pizza. sit down & watch my fav sitcom & i'm like hmmm. something's in this bottle.

so first i think it's ice. then it doesn't melt. then i think well, maybe it's a finger. you know, like it got caught off, stuck & froze there. kinda like the wendy's fiasco. then i wonder if it's just a fluke. like a part of bottle drifted off & went & hid there during processing. but since my beer still tastes ok (not like on draft, but not terrible), i keep drinking. waste not want not.

so i get about done with my guinness & turn the bottle upside down. this little thing looks kinda like a contraceptive or a little boy's body part. i'm thinking, well, either i won a prize (i actually looked at the bottle & no, there wasn't any where's waldo on the outside) or this is supposed to be here.

i of course can't call my friends & let on that i'm crazy for not knowing what this little thingymabob is, so i go online.

turns out i am the proud possessor of a rocket widget. the latest in beer foaming technology.

of course i can't take my widget out to play, because it's stuck in the bottle. which is a little dissappointing because i'd like a new toy that looks like a little boy toy rocket. i'm a little frustrated actually. i have a widget to play with and no way of getting it out of the bottle.

thanks guinness. it was a great beer but what about my widget? when does it come out to play?

liar liar, oh my pants are on fire!

ian coburn, in his awesome book, god is a woman, talks about how women lie to themselves.

damn, do we ever.

i'm on these message boards & some chick worries about her boyfriend cheating overseas. she says to him, are you cheating or something to that effect. his response is unintelligible and it makes no sense. he of course, never says no. in fact, here's his exact response:

"you're not going to cheat on me, so why would I? how come I'm going to cheat and you're absolutely not. Ever?"

read carefully here, he basically admits he's cheating. in case you missed it, he actually says "i'm going to cheat." instead of trusting her gut, she asks all the girls on the board, should she be worried? they rally around her telling her, no, don't worry about it. she says ok, we're gonna be together forever so i need to trust him.

does she stop worrying? no. she lies to herself not only about his possible cheating, but now about the fact that she should care. now we have two lies, supported by all her online friends.

i draft a response saying, yehuh, you should care. what kinda lameass response did he just give you? then i delete it. why? she can't handle the truth.

i did it. i saw other girls do it. we all lie to ourselves to stay with cheaters. we even lie to them. "yes, mr. possible cheater, my boyfriend, my love, i believe you when you said you never lied to me."

(just for the record, am i being bitter and saying all men cheat? NO! in case you missed the topic of this post, rewind to the beginning and start over...)

i dunno why we lie, but we do. why? the alternative is being alone. or that's what we tell ourselves. (yet another lie we tell ourselves, that makes 3, since another guy hotter than the one before always comes along 6.5 months after losing the loser...)

right about now i'll say chalk one up for being alone for the next 5 months until hotter guy shows up.

this bud's for me.

cheatin': ID'd 'em

ok, if you got that header, you're a pro.

so i'm getting better at IDing cheaters. this guy owns this store i went in, hit on me hard. i was like, damn, ok. what was that. came over to my dance class.

then started saying "come over to the store..." "call me" "blah blah blah".

i was like hmmm. lemme see now. he's not callin' me, asking for my phone number, taking me out for dinner, why would that be?

i axed his ass. [dusts off hands] [spits disgustedly]

how much is that divorce in the window?

someone said this on a message board...


:I'm starting to see A LOT of my friends go through divorced right now and they confide to me that they never should have gotten married in the first place, or their partner told them that they always had doubts about getting married to them:

here was my reply:

this statement you made is amazing. i find it so interesting, sociologically speaking, that we're all dying to get into legal agreements (marriage) that have a 50% chance of failing. speaking as someone who has retirement savings to lose (these aren't covered under pre-nups), and who is counting on that as security to protect from a guy leaving me alone with kids (like my dad left my mom), i wonder why i feel like i'm a failure not to be married.
society makes us feel that we are. yet i've turned down an offer, that is still outstanding probably, with an ex. it's not about being married, it's about sharing your life with the right person. if either party has sincere doubts, a 50% failure rate is too costly to consider. we'd never accept that in a business deal, but we do it every day for our hearts, hormones, or fears. whatever the reason is...

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so don't consider me anti-marriage from this post, let's just call it anti-divorce...

when curiosity doesn't kill the cat

something there is that loves a mystery. and not only during halloween, but whenever the lights go out...

the trick in any relationship is to keep your cat curious. kill him with curiosity if you can. create a chase that he can't resist, through dark alleys and around creepy corners. entice him to plot & plan, smacking his lips with the imagined taste of you, so that like my last boyfriend the night i finally kissed him, said - "i've been wanting to do that for a long time."

the problem with cats is that if they don't get killed by their curiosity at night, they lose interest in the bright light of day. corners are no longer creepy and things don't go bump in the dark any more. that's the point at which a smart girl has to create some illusive mystery to compensate.

and herein the problem lies. while i am smart, i tire of being illusive even more quickly than my cat, leaving him ramming his nose into my little a** when i stop running. this doesn't create a particularly pleasant experience for either of us, as he imagined that i was a toy he could chase forever down the dark allies of his imagination. or get killed in the process, immortalizing him forever as a romeo killed in the pursuit of love. nor am i particularly fond of exchanging these sexy dark allies for the bright expose of any relationship that makes it into the light of day.

to add insult to injury, i tend to be particularly successful at running from cats i'm not interested in, while rolling over and playing dead to those i find attractive. while in the world of dogs this might work, it does not generally work with cats.

so i ponder my quandary from atop the window-sill, in the sun (which is perhaps my problem right there, desiring to learn the mysteries of creepy night crawls). and instead of coming to some impressive conclusion, that would impress any feline, or female for that matter, i again fall asleep with my tail curled round my head.

which just goes to show you why i'm single...i like lying around in the sun.

cheapsdate



so here's some thing my next boyfriend will NOT do



- pay for dinners with Entertainment coupons

- smile sexily at some other gorgeous girl right after we get out of bed for the first time

- or ever

- lie about anything to anyone anywhere anytime for any reason

- have sex with anyone else anywhere anytime for any reason

- call all his friends "they"

- get jealous of my career success

"i don't"

i don't think i'm cut out to be married. i'm just not good at telling guys what to do nicely & that's what being married is all about.

before you laugh, notice: i'm right.

that's not the only reason, it's just one of them.

which leads me to the point - maybe i should just give up. how odd that in dating, you get what you want when you give up...

ok, here's to giving up. i'll let you know how it goes...

singlehood: the land of the free & the home of the brave

well, i'm back to being single again for about 1 month. (not counting the time since the july post - you see how long this trip to single-hood took! i got a little lost along the way. need a GPS next time...) anyhow, good for me. got a little of my mojo back, thanks to 3 ex-boyfriends-cum-friends that conveniently show up between break-ups. (if they don't happen to show up on their own, i help them out a little bit.)

i should call them my break-up squad. yes, they're my BUS boys. :) gotta love good exes, like bad pennies, you don't want to pick them up again but they're useful in a pinch.

i've broken up so many times you'd think i'd written the book on it. this time it was particularly hard though - and actually took me a few months to pull off. that little "fling" i thought i'd have just morphed into Break-up III & i have the scars to prove it.

since the breakup 2 guys have invited me to hawaii, another to new york & the third is saying he loves me. the other night i made out with another hot guy & had 2 more lined up.

and as you know - it's the big fish that got away that captures your imagination. the ex factor. or ex facto. or EXF. you know, we should have an EXF channel. (maybe we do.)

ok, well, i'm rambling. truly Break-up III has left me with PSTD. i'll get over it soon. let's see, will it be in NY or Hawaii??? hmmm...