today's topic:
happiness is...
great SECOND dates.
go sox. yankees suck. (well, we all know that is BS...)!
September 05, 2003
September 01, 2003
today's post: meeting a woman's needs
i think this is a hard topic for men. it's also hard for women. first, women have to admit to themselves that they have the right to have their needs met. [this may takes years and years to happen, or it may never happen. guys if she thinks she deserves to have her needs met, you've met an enlightened woman who's evolved past the 1950s. be proud of your brand new model!] then women need to figure out what these needs are. then, we need to educate men about what they are in a way that's not going to drive the man away.
most men (as i understand it) don't like to be educated. they think they should know what a woman needs and be able to provide it without being told. what they forget is that every woman is different. and it's not about them being inadequate, it's about them accomodating what this particular woman actually needs to be happy.
i used to have a boyfriend that loved to detail my car. that was nice. it was an old car and sure loved the attention. the problem was, i wanted that attention. and i wanted that time. he would tell me "i love you. i just detailed your car for you." (well, not in those exact words, but that was the intent.) i would say, "that's nice. i love you too. i want you to hug me though and tell me you love me. that's what i need. i don't need you to detail my car, though you can do that too if you want." did he walk right over and give me that hug i had just asked for? no. he didn't get it. i think that's one reason why i didn't marry him. i cleary said giving me a hug is more important than detailing my car. i need the attention more than i need my car cleaned. but he didn't listen. if he didn't listen about that, what other things would he ignore?
telling a guy what you need is very very difficult. it's incredibly difficult to figure it out yourself. because it's a deceiving process. you may think you need him to not go out with his friends and stay home with you -- when really it's not about his friends at all, it's about you not getting enough attention at other times. so you have to figure out what you really want.
once you have figured it out, you have to get up the guts to express it. things that are really important to you are the hardest to express, even to yourself. let alone someone else who may call you nuts, say "this is not what i bargained for" or reject you outright. it's much easier to maintain the status quo and continue to ignore your needs than to risk the exposure of trying to have them met. but if you're going to have a relationship without resentment, you have to do so. after all, he'll have no idea why you are so resentful, he won't have had a chance to fix anything because he didn't know what was wrong, and your relationship will bust apart at the seams. it may anyway if he doesn't want to meet your newly expressed needs. he may say "gee, ya got along ok for the past x years like this, why do you have to go and change things now? i don't want to change. i'm outta here..."
anyhow, supposing you try anyhow, you have to try to tell him without making him feel inadequate. since probably he feels this way anyway when it comes to your needs, this is a hard one. you have to make the point that "it's not that you're not doing anything to meet my needs. i know you are trying. (assuming you do know!) but here's how to make your life easier...instead of wasting lots of energy in doing xyz that i don't care about, can you shift your attention to abc. that is what i need more."
i consider any guy i'm involved with who modifies his behavior according to my request to be someone who is interested in meeting my needs. as long as he does what i ask him in response to my own needs, i assume there is still hope for some kind of relationship. even if i ask him to back off for a while, and he does that because i want it, i take that as "he likes me, he's trying." as long as there is change there is hope.
it's when there's no more change and no accomodation that i throw the baby out with the bathwater, the conditioner, the shampoo, all the towels and the kitchen sink...
i think this is a hard topic for men. it's also hard for women. first, women have to admit to themselves that they have the right to have their needs met. [this may takes years and years to happen, or it may never happen. guys if she thinks she deserves to have her needs met, you've met an enlightened woman who's evolved past the 1950s. be proud of your brand new model!] then women need to figure out what these needs are. then, we need to educate men about what they are in a way that's not going to drive the man away.
most men (as i understand it) don't like to be educated. they think they should know what a woman needs and be able to provide it without being told. what they forget is that every woman is different. and it's not about them being inadequate, it's about them accomodating what this particular woman actually needs to be happy.
i used to have a boyfriend that loved to detail my car. that was nice. it was an old car and sure loved the attention. the problem was, i wanted that attention. and i wanted that time. he would tell me "i love you. i just detailed your car for you." (well, not in those exact words, but that was the intent.) i would say, "that's nice. i love you too. i want you to hug me though and tell me you love me. that's what i need. i don't need you to detail my car, though you can do that too if you want." did he walk right over and give me that hug i had just asked for? no. he didn't get it. i think that's one reason why i didn't marry him. i cleary said giving me a hug is more important than detailing my car. i need the attention more than i need my car cleaned. but he didn't listen. if he didn't listen about that, what other things would he ignore?
telling a guy what you need is very very difficult. it's incredibly difficult to figure it out yourself. because it's a deceiving process. you may think you need him to not go out with his friends and stay home with you -- when really it's not about his friends at all, it's about you not getting enough attention at other times. so you have to figure out what you really want.
once you have figured it out, you have to get up the guts to express it. things that are really important to you are the hardest to express, even to yourself. let alone someone else who may call you nuts, say "this is not what i bargained for" or reject you outright. it's much easier to maintain the status quo and continue to ignore your needs than to risk the exposure of trying to have them met. but if you're going to have a relationship without resentment, you have to do so. after all, he'll have no idea why you are so resentful, he won't have had a chance to fix anything because he didn't know what was wrong, and your relationship will bust apart at the seams. it may anyway if he doesn't want to meet your newly expressed needs. he may say "gee, ya got along ok for the past x years like this, why do you have to go and change things now? i don't want to change. i'm outta here..."
anyhow, supposing you try anyhow, you have to try to tell him without making him feel inadequate. since probably he feels this way anyway when it comes to your needs, this is a hard one. you have to make the point that "it's not that you're not doing anything to meet my needs. i know you are trying. (assuming you do know!) but here's how to make your life easier...instead of wasting lots of energy in doing xyz that i don't care about, can you shift your attention to abc. that is what i need more."
i consider any guy i'm involved with who modifies his behavior according to my request to be someone who is interested in meeting my needs. as long as he does what i ask him in response to my own needs, i assume there is still hope for some kind of relationship. even if i ask him to back off for a while, and he does that because i want it, i take that as "he likes me, he's trying." as long as there is change there is hope.
it's when there's no more change and no accomodation that i throw the baby out with the bathwater, the conditioner, the shampoo, all the towels and the kitchen sink...