January 23, 2009

scared, boo (hoo)

i just had a chat with one of my childhood classmates. who i haven't talked to since. & he was advising me to take it slow with my doc.

ok, NOW i'm depressed.

i thought i was. bother.

now i'm scared from that. in addition to my own overwhelming fear.

i'm already getting to the attachment stage which is just uncomfortable sticky goo for me. i don't like missing anyone. it's actually like being hungry in a really yucky way. your stomach hurts all over & you are cranky & bother.

did i say that.

urgh. as if i need anyone to tell me to be more careful. i am the queen of careful. some call it - bitter.
update

well, i was able to easily resolve the little "convo" (as cosmo would say) with my doc by telling him i do want to hear everything he observes about me. but if he can just tell me first what's coming & then follow his comments up with lots of "you rock!" at the end, i should be just fine.

i said i had this manager at work that i told "you'll get the best out of me if you start everything with - 'you are doing a great job! now can you do _____ different?" & he sure got a lot more work out of me that way!

he laughed at my description & all was ok.

whew.

i guess that's one way of asking for what i want while still being light. yes, apparently it can be done.

in other fun news, i was interviewed by a reporter & was quoted in the AP. 75 different news sites picked it up including major papers around the country, so it was fun to see self as first quote. this is the second AP story run i've had this year, though in the first one only 15 papers ran it.

mr. busy called me yesterday with drama. he's been dating a psycho who found a nice note i left him when at his place in september. she apparently thought he was cheating on her, although that was before they started dating. i was fine to get on the phone & talk to her (which is what she wanted) but he ultimately handled it with his impeccable logic. funny guy. he seems very happy for me & my doc, with whatever is going on. but interestingly enough is now probably starting to see me in the light of "oops..."

:)

January 21, 2009

urrgggh

my doc is feeling the need to point out things about me. this tends to come out without any warning & kind of shock me. not that he's wrong. it's kind of like reading agatha christie describe me. he's very good at it.

problem is - it's not sexy. it's killing my attraction to him. at least in that particular moment.

he then wanted to end the conversation & go work out & i was like hey wait, you started this conversation, we need to finish it. he was like well, i want to keep things light between us. i was like, light? i didn't start this topic.

so he had to run (on call) & i texted - hey let's talk tomorrow. so please. a request - before you want to tell me things that make me feel undesirable, please think hard 1st about how to say them in a loving way.

i've never really said things like this to a guy, but i think it averted an unhappy situation & also asked directly for what i want.

dude, be nice.

i'm super-sensitive to criticism so this will be a problem for me if it continues. we'll see what happens.

sigh.

he says we're still getting to know each other, so that's about where he's at with the whole thing. i am gonna just keep going with my life & try & forget about what's going on with him. if something goes on, he will need to make it happen b/c of course, now i'm getting scared.

urgh.

January 19, 2009

the cure

so my doc came. and went.

and i'm super enthralled. i mean, i so respect this guy. just awesome.

apparently he thought the same thing. his first comments when he arrived back home were, when can we get you out here to visit? i was like, how about, now?

kidding. i was like, great. i'm there.

so i cancelled my vaca with mr. busy who congratulated me on my good fortune with my doc.

in an odd twist, mr. ny tells me he might be coming here to work. wants me to help him find a place. so i e-mailed him the URL for craig's list. happy to help. but not to f*. so i won't be seeing him again. although i haven't told him that yet. i suspect he really won't care either.

so i guess you could say - i have a boyfriend again. for the first time in 2 years.

i compared the picture of my cheater ex with my doc. it's very interesting. i always thought my cheater was the cutest guy i had dated & would always miss that. but no - my doc is way cuter than the cheater, and this is objectively so - so really i am so lucky. as cute guys are a real bonus for me. good looking guys are fine. but i like cute guys with dimples & boyish grins & wow, i lucked out.

super coolness.

happy me.