performance anxiety

oh. big revelation! i just figured out why i get so anxious.

i get performance anxiety about relationships. just like i do about every other area of my life.

OMG. freaky.

i noticed once a long time ago that when i was really anxious but acted normal and confident with uh, mr. cap (#1) that he was very happy and smiling. when i was anxious he reflected that.

you never get up and show your anxiety on stage. you pretend you are the bomb. and i am good at that.

so tonite i invited mr. smart over for bamboo. (i called him a panda, lol.) friends or not, it's a confident kickass thing to do. it shows i'm confident & treating him like the other guys he knows i have over for dinner.

what he does with the invitation is his business. mine is remaining confident (urgh) and if not controlling, hiding my anxiety. i'll nev be able to fix it. i never have in any other area. i just get better at everything & work through it.

time to manage my anxiety in relationships - like i do when i go on stage.

what a breakthru.

will you fight for me?

based on my recent interchanges with mr. smart (indian guy) i decided to send him a text letting him know that if he wouldn't be able to stand up for me with his mom (because i'm older and non-indian) that we needed to downgrade to friends.

i deleted him from my phone and i expect i won't hear from him again. i would actually be shocked if he shows up again. i've made it clear, by mentioning it about 3 times, that rejection from his family concerns me. and since i am VERY in like with him, it is already a hard fall to disentagle myself after one month of dating him. i can't imagine having to get over him later.

of course, we could have broken up naturally. or not. i don't know. but i don't want my heart to be played with by someone i really like who has no intention of sharing me with his family or standing up for me.

his friend is afraid to stand up to his mother over what i suspect is an indian woman, and if mr. smart isn't gonna do that, i need to know now.

i'm very sad today as i loved his company. but i don't have much heart left anymore, losing it all the time when i break up with people. what little left i have, i need to keep intact. and not have it get busted up by somebody who might think i'm not worth fighting for...

boo hoo. i hate this.

hmmm

i've been reading over posts from lost in lobsterland. princess b writes such thoughtful posts about her life. ones that people want to read.

me, i write about what bothers me. such as things people don't want to read. oh well. such as it is.

my blog is about dating, not about the rest of my life that is going well.

if i were princess b, i would write about my cozy cat, who is obsessed with attention since i'm not home much lately, and sitting between my arms as i type, watching both the computer screen and the keyboard intermittently. this is because both are moving and he likes moving objects. aka mice.

he is cuddly nowdays, having outgrown some of his kitten angst. i still have to lock him outside my bedroom at night because he decides to wake up mid-night, when i am not. this is because of course he sleeps all day long on my bed. which i am not.

but i am not princess b so i don't write cute things, regrettably. i just go read hers, lol, about ru.

i write about my angst with boyz.

my new boy, mr. smart, is in ny. i wouldn't say i've been good while he is gone, as i took mr. iraqi out for his birthday in an impromptu dinner. etc. etc. but hey. we're not in a r-ship. at least until mr. smart decides he wants one and will show up often enough to keep me away from other men.

he is proving to be helpful though. even when he is sick. i like a smart guy that can think on his feet, even when he is off them.

well, i'm off to bed now and to confess something to someone. oh yes. this is my confessional. well, i've nothing to feel bad about, just odd. i am having a very hard time being alone at night.

the former mr. ny wants to come over, and my sax boy would. when i don't have company i tend to seek it nowdays. as i should. i'm 40 and not married. i haven't had all those years to get sick of someone.

however, i still value mr. smart. i had an interchange with him on text where i said, oh, did i text the wrong hot guy? he said, are there others? and i replied? that depends...in any case... blah blah blah.

he's a bright boy. i don't have to tell him what that depends means. he likes to be in control. if he wants to control where i go and who i see, he can step up. otherwise, as i said, there will be others. sad but true.

after all these years, i no longer chase or get involved with only one guy. that seems to lead only to heartbreak. instead i spread the love and that seems to work much better for me.

me. the girl who had 6 boyfriends when she was 6.

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

lonely

i am so lonely tonite. i don't want to be alone. i tried a couple people, they were busy. new boy? is out of town.

i thought of calling up my, uh, standbys, but they only come over for one reason.

and new boy? tends to text every night wondering what i am up to.

so i am in a quandary.

supposing he and i get into a r-ship, he lives an hour away. if he doesn't want to meet up a couple times a week (which it seems is not on the agenda yet) then i want company. i live alone, duh. of course i want to hang out with someone.

and then, that means the only people that want to hang with me on a regular basis are - my guys.

if i am lonely, i will get resentful. if i keep seeing them, i'm afraid of losing him.

what to do. i don't know.

i am not used to having limitations on my behavior. especially self-imposed ones. but i'm afraid if i just keep doing what i have been, he's gonna think i just play the field & am not interested in settling down. i already know these guys don't want anything more from me, so there is nothing to be hurt by me just not seeing them for a while until i know where things stand with new guy?. but then. i am home. alone.

which is right back where we started from.

girls do not like to hang out. my girlfriends i see rarely, like every 2 weeks or 2 months. except for my neighbor here, who has her whole group of friends.

the only people i hang with is my guys, and i finally got to a point where i am all set with enough of them that chances are one guy will want to come over.

and then i meet new guy?. monkeywrench. i really do want to wait and see what will happen but he hasn't asked me to be exclusive. in fact, i'm the one acting like we are.

i'm afraid i'll screw this up...

so far i'm doing ok. he said i was a sweetheart last night and so far, i haven't done anything (like an emotional outburst that i am famous for) to make him think otherwise. but he is a scorpio, and very discerning about my behavior. let's just say he will know what i am up to, because i don't lie and he asks questions.

i guess i should just assume we are in a r-ship and see if it works for me. after all, i want him. it's only been 1 month, 2 more to go until i see if he's for real, according to sax boy whose opinion i believe.

so the question is can i be voluntarily lonely for 2 more months - thru christmas - until i see where things are going? well, i guess mom will be here for a few weeks of it, and i will be going out of town, and there is the holidays. maybe i can hang in there until the new year. actually, valentines' day, specifically, i will know what he thinks.

no guy that has been in like/love with me has ignored valentines day. they have all shown very clearly where they stand. which means that i've gotten exactly one set of flowers/cards from my ex-boyfriend who ultimately wanted to marry me. the rest just tried to pretend the day didn't exist. as you recall, the disappearing doctor didn't even take me out to dinner.

so yes, i guess the stress test for this guy will be v-day. that will be 3 months and by then i should know whether not hanging with these guys is worth it.

if - we even make it until then...

how do they do it?

those people in relationships? how do they get in them?!

i'm at that uncomfortable not-sure-what-we're-doing-but-i'm-acting-like-it's-going-somewhere phase. with mr. india, who is going to counsel a friend today whose parents want him to break off his engagement.

exactly the reason i'm hesitant to date mr. india in the first place. but then this is after...i'm already addicted.

urgh.

since i can't talk myself into dating him, logically, i'm trying to talk myself out of it instead.

but then he just shows up sweet & nice & i lose it.

fortunately all the guys in the past have been good training for this & i am actually able to maintain my self-confidence. or working on it.

but it's tough. self-confidence in uncertainty is most important - and most difficult.