performance anxiety

oh. big revelation! i just figured out why i get so anxious.

i get performance anxiety about relationships. just like i do about every other area of my life.

OMG. freaky.

i noticed once a long time ago that when i was really anxious but acted normal and confident with uh, mr. cap (#1) that he was very happy and smiling. when i was anxious he reflected that.

you never get up and show your anxiety on stage. you pretend you are the bomb. and i am good at that.

so tonite i invited mr. smart over for bamboo. (i called him a panda, lol.) friends or not, it's a confident kickass thing to do. it shows i'm confident & treating him like the other guys he knows i have over for dinner.

what he does with the invitation is his business. mine is remaining confident (urgh) and if not controlling, hiding my anxiety. i'll nev be able to fix it. i never have in any other area. i just get better at everything & work through it.

time to manage my anxiety in relationships - like i do when i go on stage.

what a breakthru.