i'm everything he's looking for

ok, so here's the other side of the equation: while i'm being frightened he won't show up again, let me recap why he will.

i am everything he is looking for.

1. tall with long legs.
2. pretty
3. single
4. smart
5. no kids
6. not in "awe" of him
7. create a homey atmosphere that makes him go "awww, this is nice." literally.
8. successful career
9. he can introduce me to his friends (which he did)
10. good in bed :)
11. i got his back when he needs support
12. he respects my opinion
13. i don't kiss his ass

crushes suck

i have a new crush (on the guy in the previous post). what sucks about that is you forget how they ruin other people for you! you can be with the coolest people in the world but if they are not as fun as the person you're crushed on, it's pretty annoying.

it's been so long since i had a crush on someone, i've forgotten how it feels. very uggy.

i'm supposing i need to get him out of my system as fast as possible so life can get back to me & my cat. i also have a crush on my cat, but he doesn't ruin me for society like a hot guy does. every guy compares favorably to my cat...

i met a guy & i liked it

well, hello folks. it's been a while.

i met someone who is a "possibility." and by this, i mean for everything. this is actually a momentous occassion, because i had completely given up hope that a guy might exist who could convince me that 1) marriage and 2) children weren't a ridiculous idea.

i just spent a week with him, and now i'm gone. a bit spectacularly: as i was leaving i chided him for not giving me an answer about the weekend plans, because he wouldn't say "yes" or "no" (why don't guys just say no? always this hemming & hawing to avoid hurting your feelings, when you really just want a definite!) then after i went on my own to the beach because he wouldn't go, i called my friend to check up on him ("did he stay at your place last night?"). and since he's also a guy, he probably told him i asked. hey i figured he was just waiting for me to leave to hook up with someone else. but given who he is & how he looks, it's more likely true than not. and besides, buyer beware. i will ask about these things...

anyhow, i am now floundering through my second day of googling "will he call" and reviewing everything in my head like an idiot. he told me hooking up in the future was in the cards, that he would come visit and we'd go somewhere. but that doesn't negate my fright that he will never show up again.

the thing about this guy that is so special is several-fold. ok, that didn't make sense, but it's my blog. :)

first, he can provide for me when he is under incredible stress. that's pretty unusual. he was hyper-aware of my experience at all times, making sure i was happy and ok. that is also very unusual. for a focused man to have that capacity and generosity.

second, we spent a fricken week together & i liked him more at the end than at the beginning. how often does that happen! everything we did was fun. just because he is fun.

third, he was kind. i told him everything about myself in 2 days & was ill in front of him & it wasn't pretty. but he was super sweet & did everything he could to help me.

fourth, he's not my type at all, but super cute smile. women everywhere we went were throwing themselves at him. let's just say, he's cute. and happy. he sings around the house...

fifth, he just has everything handled. like everything. and he tells me what to do ("honey could you wash these clothes for me?") and i actually was happy to. can you imagine. ME? being domestic?

sixth, he has resources. i found myself being an idiot imagining, what if i didn't have to work? wow. working is so painful for me because of my injuries that a lifetime of less pain would be just amazing.

seventh, he wants marriage & kids. even though he also thinks everyone around him is breaking up, as i do.

so that's some of the reasons. the really main one, though, (#8) is that i feel very safe and secure around him. i notice kim kardashian said the same thing about her guy. i can just relax, he's got things handled. whew. what a relief that is.

oh, also there's another one, so this is 9. he is very patient with my weaknesses. i said stupid things (not intellectually dumb, just perceptually off) and he didn't correct me. i forgot directions he told me so he started writing things down.

ok, he did blow up & we had a tiff, but here is #10 - in the midst of our argument (and he apologized!) he mentioned the word "partnership." ok i have paid thousands of dollars to attend the understandmen.com conferences. and what is the key word? partnership.

i'm terrified this guy will never show up again, so i will probably be blogging for the next few days to calm my nerves & get over him. if he is a player, he will be offended/watchful that i asked my friend if he stayed with him the night he left. whether he did or not, he knows i'm a bit stalkerish & not afraid to ask the hard questions. he should know these things. so let him.

but if he really liked me, i got to chill. he's in the middle of a lawsuit, and working 24-7 on getting it fixed. he had time for me and interest while i was there, but when i'm gone, probably he's already lining up chicks. or if not, they're lining up him. (yes waitresses wink at him & girls i meet don't even wait until i leave before they're talking about how to hook up with him.)

so here is my new crush. blah. more to come...

single again

i'm back.

single.

again.

let the party begin!!! :)

still going

i haven't written for a while. but a quick update...i'm still kinda with the guy i have been dating for the past year. it's been very up & down & i didn't want to dishonor him, so i haven't written about it.

but i probably will start again soon.

in the meantime, i have a new blog that i wrote...Pain With Joy.

check it out! :)

warning: relationship failure ahead

i'm not very good at relationships. i feel this one might be ending. he's not sure. i'm not sure. all of a sudden i am beginning to imagine a world without him, which is just not hopeful.

our one-year anniversery together is in two weeks. we were planning a trip, kind of recreating our first date. (he said, what do you do on a one-year anniversery? i've never had one before.) i said, i dunno. i've never celebrated one before. then we had a fight planning it.

i feel that i am very critical of men in relationships. i have been told this. he has his faults too (let me count the ways, lol) but i can only change myself. and self is sad.

we are just arguing so much over everything that i fear the passion is leaving. his anyway.

the kicker was when he decided he wanted to know what our open relationship meant. and then he didn't like the answer. of course he wouldn't. then why ask?

i guess when you've been together a year, it's either, well, i hate that expression, so um, make something happen or move on. he is the coolest guy i ever dated. i just don't see an end to our recurring problems.

i can't control what comes out of his mouth & how he says hurtful things. has since the beginning. when he does that, i sure don't want to control what i say in return. i feel i have to protect myself. so there we are.

i have heard it said the relationship hinges on the guy. i think this is true. i have tried for a year to get the relationship to a commit-worthy (or -safe) place. but it isn't there. i feel unsafe. i will not commit.

it is our first valentine's day monday. i have asked him to plan it. something. low-key, non-expensive is fine. just something. we will see what happens. he already brought me red roses last night and that was sweet. they are for my party today (housewarming thingy to celebrate my house coming out of rehab). valentine's day has always shown me a guy's true feelings.

on the other hand, as i feel things are falling apart between us, i am starting to feel more attracted to him. he is starting to say no to things, which is oddly sexy, since they aren't important anyway. but, he is also starting to look around at other women when we go out. that is the killer for me.

i won't date a guy that looks at other women's T&A. i just won't. i don't undress guys in front of my boyfriend with my eyes, and that is unacceptable in return.

i will have to let this one go for a few more times to see if it is a fluke or a trend. a fluke, he's just mad cuz he found out i was actually seeing someone else sometimes. a trend, i am outta here. we can just be friends. he can bang whoever he wants. just not with me watching him imagine it...

happy new year!

i haven't written for a while. i've had a tough time i guess. but things are getting better - so i'm back!

in summary.

i'm still with the pseudo-boyfriend. we are doing good. i have less questions about our future than i did in the past, so i am happy about that! we have maintained our flexible relationship and that is still working for both of us. that means, we can see other people if we want, but it's don't ask don't tell.

he doesn't care if he sees other people or not (meaning he prefers not to), i prefer to keep the option open.

this type of relationship is interesting, i will say. i have never done it before by choice, instead being subjected to it against my will by guys i liked who wanted to keep dating other people. so it took a lot of courage to embark on, and a lot of careful phrasing to get my point across.

but a few weeks ago my guy told me he really is happy with how things are. and that means the world to me. the other part of the world - is that i am also happy with how things are. i have the freedom to appreciate and love him, without feeling trapped. and i can also go see other people if i have needs that are not getting met. which i think happens with everyone, since no one person meets everyone's needs.

but that's happening less and less, since he is becoming a better relationship partner...

so that is how things are right now.

now if we could just get rid of some of this snow...! ;)