warning: relationship failure ahead

i'm not very good at relationships. i feel this one might be ending. he's not sure. i'm not sure. all of a sudden i am beginning to imagine a world without him, which is just not hopeful.

our one-year anniversery together is in two weeks. we were planning a trip, kind of recreating our first date. (he said, what do you do on a one-year anniversery? i've never had one before.) i said, i dunno. i've never celebrated one before. then we had a fight planning it.

i feel that i am very critical of men in relationships. i have been told this. he has his faults too (let me count the ways, lol) but i can only change myself. and self is sad.

we are just arguing so much over everything that i fear the passion is leaving. his anyway.

the kicker was when he decided he wanted to know what our open relationship meant. and then he didn't like the answer. of course he wouldn't. then why ask?

i guess when you've been together a year, it's either, well, i hate that expression, so um, make something happen or move on. he is the coolest guy i ever dated. i just don't see an end to our recurring problems.

i can't control what comes out of his mouth & how he says hurtful things. has since the beginning. when he does that, i sure don't want to control what i say in return. i feel i have to protect myself. so there we are.

i have heard it said the relationship hinges on the guy. i think this is true. i have tried for a year to get the relationship to a commit-worthy (or -safe) place. but it isn't there. i feel unsafe. i will not commit.

it is our first valentine's day monday. i have asked him to plan it. something. low-key, non-expensive is fine. just something. we will see what happens. he already brought me red roses last night and that was sweet. they are for my party today (housewarming thingy to celebrate my house coming out of rehab). valentine's day has always shown me a guy's true feelings.

on the other hand, as i feel things are falling apart between us, i am starting to feel more attracted to him. he is starting to say no to things, which is oddly sexy, since they aren't important anyway. but, he is also starting to look around at other women when we go out. that is the killer for me.

i won't date a guy that looks at other women's T&A. i just won't. i don't undress guys in front of my boyfriend with my eyes, and that is unacceptable in return.

i will have to let this one go for a few more times to see if it is a fluke or a trend. a fluke, he's just mad cuz he found out i was actually seeing someone else sometimes. a trend, i am outta here. we can just be friends. he can bang whoever he wants. just not with me watching him imagine it...