mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy

i have a crush. a mushy, rushy, gushy, crushy. he's all the things i like. dark haired, younger, shorter (a bit), a great dresser, good with people, smart, funny and generally makes you (me) feel wanted & accepted. oh. and he can't take his eyes off me.

damn. so this is bad. bad because it's so rare. bad because i literally don't even remember the last one i had. i think it was years ago. like 1994. oh. ouch. that would be 10 years ago.

i don't usually get crushes. i usually date people who find me wonderfully attractive and then learn to like them back. attraction is catching after all. however this guy is different. my assumption is that i liked him first. and he didn't catch on for a while until, well, he saw me all dressed up and now this thing is a real-live two-way crush.

the bad thing about crushes is they're just damn frustrating. and to break the frustration, someone has to lose something. me, i've got nothing to lose in this case. except my sanity.

the other thing that has happened is that i'm talking to this really cool guy i met online. the first one that i think i've found normal and attractive in a few years. of course it does help that my tastes in men have changed. this guy is taller, older, blond, and well, i don't know all the rest. seems smart, educated, with-it, and of course, the clincher, he thinks i'm stunningly beautiful (so he said). sounds like a keeper. ;)

so now i have two cuties to try to stop thinking about. i swear, how do two guys that i like happen along at once? and what am i going to do?!

uh-huh, right. nothing. absolutely nothing. we'll just see what happens & figure if there are two guys in this world i think are adorable, damn, there's got to be a lot more! :)

oh no, he's baaaack...

i had the funniest thing happen to me. i was sitting on the train today (friday afternoon) getting bumped here and there by people in a rush. and this guy with about 10 little grocery bags full of food managed to drag them over me & sat down next to me. i determined not to lose all my space to his groceries, so he moved them & apologized. no prob.

so i'm sitting there reading sweet thursday & he starts reading over my shoulder. and says, "popovers. i make good popovers." i look at him & think to myself, hmmm, and of course he says "i'm a pastry chef." oh yes. of course, he's THE pastry chef that tried to pick me up b4. who still has dirty fingernails. and he rambles on about cigarettes or cigars and buying them on deserted street corners in columbia.

i try to imagine if he tries to pick me up again whether i should say "yeah, we've been over this b4" or just pretend i'd never seen him b4. to my happiness and annoyance, he didn't try. that means i didn't look yummy like i had b4 in my cute little suit.

oh well. i guess that means no pastries!

happy thanksgiving

i am thankful for many things this weekend. one of which is that i am single. yes, i finally decided i should give thanks for this. for following my heart. and the part of me that knows i am still single because i have chosen to be. because i have the guts to buck society and not marry a person that i don't think is right for me. just to get married. so i am not unhappily married. or divorced. or raising kids on my own. (yet) there are many reasons to be thankful that i am a strong, independent woman who is not afraid of living life on her own.

god is good to give me the strength to do what's best for me & my future kids. timing is everything, says the wise man, solomon. and i'm thankful i've been able to not move forward until i'm ready.

i have more to write, but it will be later. some other time. guests await and i shouldn't be impolite, writing to you before i talk to them. though of course i am anyhow! ah, that independent nature. gotta love it.

hmmm

well, i'm back. i've been a bit well, remote lately, & uninteresting. So I decided not to write. At the moment I'm not too pithy and full of little dumb sayings either. But hey, i'm back. and writing in caps and non caps. hmmm.

so i've decided to stop being single. so then i will have no blog. that works. ;)

continuing to choose to be single means that, in my case, you have to turn down people on a continual basis. that gets old. and at some point you wonder where are the people you don't have to turn down. or, are they right in front of you and you don't see them. i'd like to think the first, as i tend to be a bit flexible in who i date, yet can't seem to find the basic requirements. i think it's the irish catholic northeast. oh well.

someday my prince will come riding up with a nametag on him that says "it's me, silly" and then i'll know for sure. unless of course they all read this & decide to buy a horse & learn calligraphy. :)

nice to be me

Random men with nothing to gain from it are being really nice to me lately. Opening doors, doing little things that are sweet, acting like I'm special. Wonder what it could be?! Dunno. I'll just enjoy it.

Gees some things I love about being a woman.

on the road again

well, even though my eyes are still hurting from crying over the betrayal of someone who i thought cared about me, it's time to move on. i've got a date this week with a new guy. he seems smart, well-traveled, articulate, nice, communicative and believe it or not, he lives here in town! lands sakes. what's happening to me.

train-er

anyhow, so on to someone new. oh, but not the guy who i sat down next to on the train this morning. who started talking to me. who told me his name is jean pierre and that he makes pastries for a lead restaurant in boston. who told me he was the top-selling real estate agent in the next town last year. who lost his license for a year. (why? and WHY did he tell me this?) whose fingernails were DIRTY like a mechanic's. right. like i'd want to eat his pastry. like he'd be making it. he wanted my card or whatnot so i had him write his phone # down on something i was carrying. so i could think about if i wanted to call him or not. ok, i thought about it. not. but hey, the guy was cute and props to him for making the effort. it kinda made my day start out all nice. he did a good deed. hey, at least someone wants me. (him, and my ex's best friend. hee hee.)

so. the new guy is a cute guy on yahoo who wrote to me. he is a year younger than me, looks cute, is tall, has a good job & looks good with a baby. (what is it with guys and baby pictures? girls wouldn't be caught dead posting them unless they HAVE them. is it like a guy's way to fulfill a girl's dream? "baby, you pick me, you'll have my baby, baby". hmmm.

oh well. more on cutie later. ah. who actually calls HIMSELF cute. hmmm.

too many hmmms. time to quit.

night night.

been around the world...

well, i'm back from my mediterranean cruise. never, never cruise on holland america. just FYI. you may miss the boat b/c they change the shuttle schedules without warning. plus the women are bitchy. who needs that. if you go, make sure it's on celebrity cruises!

anyhow, i had a great trip. and i'm back to my life again. which includes of course, my continuing saga with single men. and myself.

sometimes you have light shine upon you that gives you epiphanies. my latest one is that i tend to date men that are emotionally unavailable. very convenient if you really don't want to get that deep into life. but i do now. so i guess i'll have to experiment around with dating men who ARE available. though they generally appear more flawed than unavailable ones because you can actually get close enough to see their imperfections. ah, sometimes travel is good for the soul.

so begins my quest to meet an emotionally available man. assuming that one can put all of those words in the same sentence & have it make sense... ;) i'll let you know how it goes.

first step: lose the ones that aren't out of my life. that's in progress currently and damn, housecleaning is NO fun.

true blue

so the ex i said goodbye to didn't want to hear it. what is it about men that they need women to put their foot down sometimes before they decide she's really special? or is it the putting down of the foot that is a turn-on? i dunno.

he agreed to comply to my terms for dealing with me and is coming to visit. he says. i'll keep you posted...

meanwhile, my sister has a visitor from canada. a cute guy who just arrived via taxi to go to church with her. i hope they like each other. gees, i've never had a guy from the internet come from another country to visit. and this guy is good -- got his own hotel room (of course) and found his way over to pick her up just like a gentleman. he's even driving. yes, i hope it works out.

funny how life sometimes comes in twos. funny how men work. i still haven't figured it out, however i'm starting to.

one thing i know: men can't fall in love with you unless there is a you to fall in love with. maybe that's the key. just be you and the man who loves that version of you will go crazy over it. after seeing women most of my life that tried to modify themselves to their man, this is a radical concept. but hey. wasn't luther radical. and look what he did!

parting is such bitter nastiness

i've said this b4, but one of the suckiest things about being single is saying goodbye. especially to your exes who you know and love and fight with. sometimes you just have to realize no matter how far you've come personally in life, that other person hasn't come there with you. he has his own agenda and timeline which is lightyears away from yours, which includes babies somewhere in the near future. his fear is so thick you pop it like a balloon. and so you have to, achingly, say Goodbye with a capital G.

i still wait for the day when i am settled down and will not have to lose my men one by one like i did my father. until then, i suppose i will continue to bitch and moan about the nastiness of dating, where you can get just as emotionally involved (perhaps more) than married, but without the protection.

it's about time, o christian, it's about time

finally some good-hearted women are writing good books about being married that are doing wonders for my psyche. they're turning on the lights in the closet and exposing just what it feels like to be married, how much of a shock it is for women, how they handle the very real fear and probability of "losing oneself" in marriage etc etc.

i think this disconnect that all single women face, from the minute they are aware of what marriage is, has been a very real factor for why i'm still single. i remember planning my wedding in elementary school to my then-boyfriend who i never kissed. my bridesmaids had checked gingham dresses and hats. you can imagine what year that was. i've never done it since. the closest i've gotten is wondering how simply i could have the dress look and wondering just how wierd and shy i would feel on my wedding day. like i'm an imposter jumping into some fairytale who shouldn't be there. because i know it's all a fairy-tale. no one can give up their life and merge with another person (my worst nightmare) without having it all go awry. but that wasn't always my nightmare. my nightmare used to be being alone. now that i've done it long enough to see through the fairy-tale and have boyfriends leave me because of my urge-to-merge, i know how damaging that habit can be. somehow there is a middle ground where you keep yourself and still connect. although personally, i've never found it.

anyhow back to the fairy-tale. no intelligent woman can honestly believe it (who doesn't live in some serious denial). all you have to do is look at the statistics and the stunned look on some of your married friends faces and the forced-happy look on others' to tell it's all bs.

getting and being married is plain hard work and only now are women breaking their code of silence and speaking up about how it actually all works & how to survive it and even...make it wonderful.

god bless them. now maybe i can move toward getting married in an intelligent AND blissful fashion.

now what i have to figure out is, not should i MARRY this guy? but even harder, should i marry THIS guy. somebody please write a book for that.

i think i can't, i think i can't

deep within the heart of some divorcees kids, there lurks this nagging fear that we won't be able to stay married. so why try? it's like going on the roller coaster ride without a seatbelt; knowing you're more likely than not to be thrown from the moving train to your death. and if you have kids, taking them with you. voluntarily. why would anyone sign up for that?

yet you know there's that other very happy small percentage that just get marriage right and somehow you wonder: could you beat the odds?

in the midst of that questioning, you keep dating people who are like your parent. who left.

and some pretty wonderful men love you and you keep walking away.

so you read and read and try to figure out what the magic formula is that you need to know, that you are willing to bet the odds on. or that thing that you do that you can learn to stop doing to keep you from running again. or advice on fixing whatever it is that makes you not get along with the "right" people. but every book says something different. and it ends up right back where it began:

all about you.

rockabye baby in the treetop...when he rolls over the cradle will rock

sleeping alone. i love it. since i'm a bad sleeper (people with FMS usually are) i have various and sundry ways to make me sleep better. and all of them would involve waking someone else up.

i must admit one of the perks of being single is sleeping alone. upside down & backwards; turning this way and that (that is usually better; though one time during a storm, this was); throwing pillows around willy-nilly (willy-nilly doesn't mind if you throw pillows around him. he just doesn't like them thrown at him.)

so if i get married, that means i have to learn to sleep with someone else. how am i gonna do that? 35 years of sleeping alone & then whoop, there it is.

there's just gonna have to be some rules that's all. here's my trial run:

1. he cannot snore. ever. i can snore a little if i don't notice.
2. the room cannot be too cold or too hot or too stuffy or too windy or anything like that. it must be only one of anything.
3. he must be cuddly, warm & huggable -- all through the night.
4. he must

hmmm...what did i say up there about rocking the cradle? i think my little list is running amok. heading in a different direction. leading me on. i think i'll take a short commercial break while...yeah, i'll BRB!

long time no see

well, i haven't written anything substantial for a while. but the words are still flowing...they've just been running around my head lately instead of landing themselves on a page.

it's hard to know how to choose when you have PART of a choice and not the whole thing. and even if you do, how do you know what guy is best for you? do you pick the one that makes you feel all hot & bothered, even if it is hot under the collar a good share of the time? or do you pick the stable one that doesn't really ruffle your feathers much at all, but is just a good guy.

for women? the eternal dilemma. right up there with do i pick mr. workaholic or mr. available?

where oh where are the "normal" guys? oh where oh where can they be? all the ones that work but still make time for you, oh where oh where can they be?

been around the world & iyiyi...

well, my plans are changing for travel this summer. instead of going to china (which i turned down in spite of buying a new violin), i will be going on a cruise through the mediterranean. mmmmm. bring on those men.

speaking of men. i've been in a quandary lately. will not obsess about it for all my devoted readership to endure, however, suffice it to say, i have a decision to make. since i am spectacularly unqualified to make important decisions of the heart by myself (behold my past track record in support of above musings) i am seeking expert advice on this most important question. i will let you know the outcome ... aka how much longer i can expect this site to be appropriately named!

the only reason i am depriving you of the details is because other than the fact that you are on a need to know basis, ;), there are extenuating factors which prohibit me from being open and honest lest it be to my detriment.

a few good men

a few years ago or even months ago, if you'd asked me what good men i knew, i'd be hard pressed to tell you one or more. but now, god has been good, and there are quite a few good men in my life. those of you who know me know how important good men are to me. when one has been in want of a good man (one who takes care of their family, namely) one tends to not ever see goodness, even if it is there.

in honor of these men, here they are:

my ex boss
one of my current bosses
another of my former managers
an ex and friend
a coworker
my chiropractor

these men not only take good care of their families, and are respected at work, they also have been great friends to me and know me, sometimes at my worst. not to mention been supportive of me and pushed me towards improvement in my professional, interpersonal & health management areas of my life. hats off to them for managing to show me good men do exist.

me, the happy, relaxed, energetic, loving and adventurous wife of the future

i'm reading the book "marraige shock." and to my surprise, i am smarter than i thought. it is because of the premises outlined in this book that i am still single: because of the known and repeated subjugation of women by marriage, the requirement that they lose themselves in taking care of others who don't return the favor or which they are not supposed to accept if it is returned. this selflessness i will have no part of. yet society demands it as part of the "good wife" syndrome.

the author asks what marriage would be like if it were a wife's marriage. here is my first stab ever at this idea:

1. we would have a standing contract with several great chefs for discount orders and takeout would be delivered whenever we have guests, holidays and generally when nobody feels like cooking.

2. the husband would make one hot meal a day for the family and do the dishes afterwards. he would continue doing this until he realizes why #1 is in effect, at which point the family happily lives on gourmet takeout, freeing them all from the drudgery of the kitchen. (drudgery being defined in this case as cooking for people when you don't feel like it.)

3. children would be brought up learning how to make food for themselves and would be required to meet their own needs when they can do so.

4. the time now that the wife has since she has been freed from the kitchen will neither be spent in cleaning. as dust is a recurring factor and doing the same thing over and over again will eat her life away, she also contracts out for cleaning services. so now the family is both clean and well fed and the wife still has time to do...

5. what? what will she do now that she neither spends her life cleaning nor in the kitchen? she will do what her husband and children do: pursue self-actualization and take care of the misc. tasks that arise on a non-repetitive basis as the rest of her family does.

imagine the freedom from drudgery for a wife. the ability to arrive home from work, as i will do, and plop my feet up on the couch for 1/2 hour and watch tv to unwind. oh look at that. just like a man does. the ability to take care of my own needs first so i am happy and relaxed and able to meet the needs of my family. the ability to accept love as my husband and children do not act like infants (unless they are) and expect to be spoon fed.

6. oh i forgot the washing. since i hate sending clothes out, the washing can be rotated amongst family members. or each man for himself. there is no need to waste a wife's education, expertise, energy for love and happiness on a pile of cotton and soap suds. living breathing human beings are far better recipients of this energy.

ah now to find a man whose fantasy includes a living, breathing, happy, relaxed, energetic woman -- not one who is half-dead from doing things for her family that after they are 5, they can do for themselves.

did i mention how much energy i'll have for sex now that we all have my priorities straight? hmmmm. i don't think so...

smiley faces

i have a beautiful bouquet of big faced sunflowers on my living room table...from someone who is coming to visit me.

a sense of mystery

i wish i could tell you what i'm doing this summer. but i can't. a woman has to have a sense of mystery about her, and it would ruin all the fun if everyone knew what i was doing. although it would be fun to write about it. suffice it to say, i will be having a very fun summer.

the one thing that i will say is that i'm going to china for 10 days on a concert tour. not featuring me per se, but i will be part of the entourage and performing again. on said tour might be one of my exes, a fact which does not greatly displease me as i don't want to date him again, nor which does please me either as i just don't want to be bothered having him either interact with me or not interact with me. neither of which will be pleasant. him having broken up with me makes it better. one can always play the victim, whether one feels like it or not and it is better than feeling guilty. which he feels none of i'm sure, nor should he. the only thing wrong with the breakup was the way it was done, not the fact that it was done. however since i was his first gfriend, one can't fault him all that bad for it. the only thing he should have known...you don't break up with a girl & then expect to spend the night on her couch as usual. said girl should have thrown his a** out on the street, but sometimes having a heart is just stupid, but it happens. occasionally in me i'm told. the only important thing about him going is that i don't want to get back together again & so it shouldn't bother me. ha. watch this one unfold with more drama than i think. he is currently dating someone who is quite beautiful (good taste he has) but as i hear from one of her exes, not especially well-endowed in the gray matter area.

speaking of which, we weren't, did you know that men prefer women with big busts to during a bust economy, and women with small ones during a boom? the fun things you learn from the india times.

along another line, a rant, of which source i will not ID. one remembers at times that attractiveness is a double-edged sword. it cuts all ways. perhaps it's better though for attractive people to be bitchy. i sure am. i mean if people were both good looking AND nice, what would happen in the world. one has to fend off all the hangers on that will diminish, wear down or distract from one's beauty.

so i'm off with my new pedicure and tanned & worked out self to a busy summer of mysterious happenings of which i'm sure you'll hear obliquely because of course, i like to write about dating affairs whether or not i'm supposed to, given the readership of this happy blog. ;)

just call me stupid

this boy don't got NO clue. i mean none. i thought he was just dumb but listen to this. this guy makes me want to keep online dating just as fodder for my blog.

k, remember "i'll take you to a great restaurant, buy you a drink, (one, cuz i have to get back to work at 7 p.m. and i'm wicked cheap) and then call you on your cell 5 minutes later to invite you to my place for chinese takeout?"

well, i thought this guy was just dumb. cuz he looked pretty cute & innocent. turns out he's devious also. badly. obviously. i almost feel sorry for his ass.

i of course, seeking to educate him as to the world of womanhood, write back later saying it is neither safe nor smart to go to a stranger's house on the first date. somewhere along the line he got confused. which seemed only to worsen.

in his last e-mail he assumed that because i didn't want to go to his house the first time i met him, i am not looking for a relationship. would i be interested in a occasional physical friendship, in which case he would be happy to help get me into my own place.

i should write back and say, sure, i'll be your hoe...!

let's get together, yeah yeah yeah

last night i had my last yahoo! personals date for a while. this guy was really cute, looked just like his pictures and was a great conversationalist. he also seemed to think, as per his words, that i have the body of a model, have beautiful hair and fair skin, which is very feminine and must look beautiful when i play the violin. all in all, in comparison with the last guy who was so disappointed with me, it felt good to be better than i was on the screen. which of course i am.

he seemed bright, articulate, like a gentleman and generally a sweet guy. talked a lot and asked a lot of questions, but then he's an analyst so what do you expect. i had a really nice time, though my head was spinning from all the data exchange.

at 7 p.m. he left to go back to work. after i left, i called my friend jack to get an update on his recent job interview. i got a call when i was on the phone & figured it was another friend i was trying to get in touch with. when i checked my vm it was a call from mr. analyst. he wanted me to meet him at his work & then we could go to his house for chinese takeout and a movie.

uh-huh...

how do i love thee? let me count the ways...

it could be inferred that i don't like men. this is far from true. i think sometimes i have a basic misunderstanding of men, but that is true for most women. i, at least, struggle to see life through a man's eyes. but lest i be accused of man-bashing, let me just counter my sometimes-disappointments with some great features of the all the men i have loved before.

1) they are strong. they pick things up. and carry them. and open them. and move them about.

2) and with those strong arms they hug me.

3) they are rational. their minds are less clouded with emotional helter-skelter & PMS & whatnot. this is of course precluding their absolute irrationality when it comes to women and sex, but other than that, when they are clear headed, men think logically.

4) they like to please women. a lot. well. and are willing to learn what it takes to do that.

5) men are willing to work hard to support a family and do so even if they don't want to. because they know they are needed. which is #6.

6) good men like to be needed. and gees, it is great to need a great man for stuff.

7) men appreciate a beautiful woman. and let her know it. or rather, can't hide it. even when they should.

8) men do what needs to be done whether they feel like it or not. duty. code of honor. all that jazz.

9) men are the other half of what it takes to make babies.

10) men are loving and kind to women they love.

there, do you feel better about my little list? (i like lists. i'm a listy sort of person.) i do. i like men even better now. if that were possible. after all, if i did not like them so much, why would i waste so much time writing about them?!

the ties that bind

i'm sure i've ranted on this in the past, but i'll say it again. one of the most difficult things about being single is the attachment process. being the sort of person who gets attached at some level to most people that i care about, it is an ongoing and sometimes emotionally exhausting process of 1) deciding who to attach to / detach from, and 2) carry off said process.

there comes a point where you grow up enough to not cry over every little breakup & just go, well, it's not meant to be. next.

then there are the people you've been single with for 10 years and there's some history there and you just have to muddle through it the best way you can. and some part of you just wants to find a home and stop having to say goodbye over and over again...

view from the other side

check out this blog from a guy's perspective. damn. sometimes you're glad you're a girl. sucks to sit around and wait, but at least you can breathe while you're doing it...

sheep in wolf's clothing?

somebody wrote to me lately & observed that the guys i date aren't in tip-top shape. well, that's not what he said, but the point is, why don't i date up to my standards? is the ultimate question that comes out of that. it's a good question.

(annoying view of palm tree interrupts inappropriately)

for one thing i do date good people. but i don't write about them because sometimes they know i have a website and could read about themselves. i've gotten myself in trouble this way once or twice before.

hence, i write about strangers.

secondly, how does one know which of these strangers one should date and try to convert into the first group where they cannot be written about? i've been trying to figure out for years how to date good men. it's not like it's written in their foreheads like the mark of the beast. "i am a good man." rather one has to wade through tons of b.s. that is nicely couched in dinners, drinks, compliments, flowers, and generally spend a lot of time trying to figure out who is good and who isn't.

so i read through guys' profiles on dating sites & sadly end up judging through pictures. how shallow that is. but since a lot of them look like convicts in their pictures, it makes it a bit easier to assume they're not a good guy.

how do i pick a good guy to even go on a first date with? i still don't know.

date update

i went on a date this week with a lawyer/car racer from yahoo. unfortunately i disappointed him. (can that be possible?!) i guess the fact that i had shorter hair than my picture or perhaps looked different upset him. i can understand that to some extent. however, the picture i have posted was taken only last year so it's not intentional deception. besides i asked one of my guy friends if guys would care about hair being shorter & he said no. guess he was wrong. time to fire my hairdresser (who screwed up my hair in the first place!)

anyhow, i had a nice talk with him over dinner, but it was regretful. i was checking off things like on a list & that's just not good. hopefully he won't read this! anyhow, he was a veggie, which oddly enough, i objected to! perhaps because the minute i ordered salmon he got this look on his face. dammit if you want to date a veggie, ask before hand!

then there were some other turnoffs, like the discussion about the sodium content in veggie meat being 90% of your daily requirement for sodium. who the hell cares. gees.

so mr. lawyer/racer is going to continue to be very single until he stops fantisizing about life as he wishes it were & accepts how it is. which leads me to wondering if i should update my picture after all. who knows. who cares.

on the good side, he looked much better than his picture and he had a cute smile which he rarely displayed. and he was a good conversationalist. about himself. if i didn't say something there was dead silence. the only question he asked me all night was "what do you do?" which he already knew. oh, and the other thing? he was complaining about how hard it was to be a man & conform to the cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking, strip-club-visiting, golf-playing requirements of manhood.

his parting comments to me? in fitting with his anti-masculine sentiments. he says..."so you have my e-mail address. e-mail me and we'll do dinner again sometime."

saturday mornings for a single girl

if i'm not going to church, i love to do what i do best on saturday mornings...everything that i like!

this morning i slept late, got myself a nice hot cup of coffee (with ghiradelli's chocolate in it) and settled down to read birds & blooms magazine in the sun & dream of country living. then i did my spa day things. now as i let my spa treatments settle in, i'm sitting down with another good book...a favorite from college: vice & virtue in everyday life.

nothing like a good refresher on ethics to get one's weekend started. this was one of my favorite books in college/grad school. the other two being macroeconomics (including the study of the welfare system which was totally fascinating) and in grad school management theory cases.

today i'm going to decide whether or not i'm kantian or utilitarian in views & practice. i'm sure you can't wait to hear which way i swing...

later on today we're going to the park & the over to see friends in the country. all in all, will be a fun day in the sun day. hmmm...speaking of sun, maybe i should sail again this year. it looks awfully tempting looking out of my window at work at sailing in the harbor.

and many more

birthdays that is. 35th birthday, coming right up...

happy birthday to me!

it's raining men, hallelujah

ever since i decided that to get more love, i have to give more love (and this is not in the 70s kind of way), i seem to be attracting love like a magnet.

in the "who's new" section of my life i have a date on tuesday with a guy off yahoo personals, some lawyer who does auto racing on the side.

in the "who's out" section of my life, i have a funny story about a guy who i was writing to on yahoo for months. a gyn-oncologist who works like a dog, as he puts it. since the dog-days of summer are coming up, that doesn't appeal to me too much. but in any case, he wrote well. and seems, that's all he did. after writing to me for months (god only knows why i wrote back that long) he decided it was time to get back with his ex girlfriend again. so fine, bubye. then i saw him on the site again a couple months later & decided to see what was up. no more ex? so i wrote to him. he wrote aimlessly again once or twice, and then since he doesn't have the cahunas to meet me, decides that he is "planning" and i quote, to date some girl exclusively and therefore won't be able to meet me. in my head i wrote back the following response: "dear workaholic doctor, that's good that you wouldn't want to meet me because you are planning to date someone. it protected me from cheating on my soon-to-be-husband, which i plan to meet and marry in the next couple years or so. i'm so glad you protected both of us from throwing ourselves at each other in the coffee shop and engaging in wild sex, and dishonoring those we are planning to date at some point in the future."

in the "who's still on section" two of my buds are keeping in touch, more than usual, and it's awesome. i wouldn't mind a little more of the touch, but it's a little hard across a dozen states.

in the "who's on first, what's on second & i dunno's on third" section, is a friend who i've gone out with a few times but can't figure out what he actually thinks. that seems to work ok for me too, so seems we'll leave it right with the bases loaded & no one knowing what the hell is going on. much like the world series last year.

and of course, in the "you can't touch this section" there is a new guy at work who is to die for.


all of which is useless of course, me still being single and all, but very entertaining and whatnot, leaving endless possibilities for nothing to happen.

it's all about the love

sometimes you have certain friends of whom you are not sure why you have them. you can count on 10 short but talented violin-playing fingers the number of times they annoy you. and then you can count on 10 sexy red-polished toes all the great things about them. (if you're my friend, i'm kidding, i really don't do this.) but oddly enough, the more they annoy you, the more attractive they become over time until you start to see their annoyance as endearing quirks about them.

in the midst of all the counting though, there are times when you know without a doubt why they are your friends: they speak to you like no one else can. either because others don't care, they don't dare, or they're just not observant enough to see through you. it's those moments that you forget all about annoyances and just feel the love of your friends.

sometimes speaking the truth in love is the best quality a friend can ever share with you.

not meaning to be mean

oh the misunderstandings that arise between genders when men and women try to communicate. right now i am in the midst of three misunderstandings. one that will likely cost me ever meeting someone, another that is making "trouble" between me and a longtime friend, and the third, one that could have cost me a friendship, which seems to at the moment be back on track.

i don't tend to be the kindest person or one who beats around the bush trying to find the nicest way to talk to the bush. it's not something i ever heard my parents do nor that i know how instinctively. i tend to say exactly what i mean, which is sometimes just that (mean), because i don't know how to ask for what i need in a nice way.

anyhow, if one were to look at communication as a utilitarian feature, which it usually is, with the intent of delivering one piece of intended information to another person who can receive it with the same intent in which it was originally packaged, then i fall far short of success. which means i need to change how i communicate.

how does one negotiate change? or communicate intent?

there are three things good about my current troubles:

1) i am communicating much more to have gotten into this many problems.

2) those guys who know where my intent really lies will manage somehow to muddle through the communication part with me until we come to some understanding. the man who does that best will be the man i will marry. the one who hears my intent, regardless of my words, because sometimes it just doesn't come out right, no matter how hard i try. and the one who will respond back, sharing his intent, no matter how it all comes out. at least it is reciprocal.

3) all the guys who are my friends have forgiven me at one time or another for being a bitch, just as i have forgiven them for being jerks. what counts is are we actively changing for the better and treating each better every day?

i guess the key to success is to keep on trying...if you're both talking, at least you're still having the conversation...

doc love

have you boys ever read doc love? i'm a big fan of his. an ya know what? he really does know women well. so read up. it's not only entertaining, you might learn a thingy or two.

coming up roses

i have a beautiful bouquet on my desk, with lilies, gerber daisies and other various and sundry flowerish things that make women's hearts go pitterpat. this one is from my boss for secretaries day, and i must admit, this is one perk for this position that i love. i also am rationing out the godiva truffles which should last until about the time he and my other bosses take me out to lunch.

there is something about flowers that makes me forget all other perceived ills. i have only good will toward my boss now. interesting how that works & how men, when in relationships, take advantage of it.

i wouldn't mind if some man took advantage of it for me about now.

but one smart woman yesterday in the national admin meeting said...if you want flowers, grow your own. which is precisely why i'm trying to decide if maybe i don't want that house after all instead of the condo....

sum things i don't understand

perhaps it's because i'm single, or maybe because i am me, but i really don't get some things about what women expect of men.

#1: women expect men to be home for dinner. on time.

my response: now really ladies, this is the new millenium. this isn't the 1950s. and me? i don't eat "dinner". so will my man need to be home for dinner? no. will he get any when he gets home? maybe. just about the same answer as if i would get dinner made by him waiting for me when i get home.

i just don't care that much about eating with people. during the years i grew up, we had a lot of fights at the dinner table. now i'd just rather eat in front of the tv or something. "DINNER" is not a hot button for me. if my man wants dinner when he gets home he can 1) call for a pizza & pick it up on the way home, 2) bribe me for dinner, 3) make his own (and mine too). otherwise, he can do what i'm doing when i get home from work: see what is in the fridge and put it on a plate and eat it.

IMHO, "dinner" is much ado about nothing.

however, the on-time part is another topic!

#2: women expect men to take out the garbage, mow lawn, and nag nag nag until it gets done.

my response: why is this a man's job? like women have no arms. i'll either take out the garbage myself (after all i grew up doing it) or it will mold and rot until someone breaks down & does it.

and the lawn & other stuff? if my man agrees to do/fix something i'll give him a reasonable amount of time & then if he doesn't do it, i'll hire someone else to. when he sees the bill chances are he'll get on it next time. if he doesn't care, why should i. i'll just start hiring people to clean the house too while we're at it. we'll have less fights, more done and more time to play. of course we'll be poor, but who cares. we'll be poor and happy.

who the hell cares if he doesn't do all this stuff? not me...not right now anyhow. wait until you see my boyfriend-blog and then i'm sure i'll have another opinion (full of trying to coerce him into "doing the right thing", god forbid.

what do i care about?

damn it, be a man of your word. if you say you'll call, call. if you say you'll show up, show up. if you say you'll do something do it. or else i'll find someone else who'd be most happy to do all of the above in your place.

nuff said.

just plumb beat

looking for real estate is a nasty process. it really warps your mind. imagining yourself living in lots of different places makes your brain go "huh?" and there you are not sure where you REALLY do live anymore & what you think about it.

today i "let go" of my current buyer's agent (who was also a seller's agent for other people) and "hired" an exclusive buyer's agent. we'll see if things go any better. i'm sad cuz i really liked this guy but hey, i'd probably pick a sure sale over me too. anyhow, so we'll see if working with a woman is any better. i at least won't get a crush on her.

so to take my mind off of RE, i've decided to think about boys again. (wait, did i ever stop?) and go away for the weekend. so i'll be gone over easter weekend & drive through texas thinking, gees, i could buy a ranch for the price of 300 sqf here in boston. ok ok, i won't think about RE in dallas. i'll think about boys.

and it seems, if it's not one of the two, it's going to have to be ... babies. yes, i did say the b word. sad, but gotta admit life goes on with or without a man. i won't go into that topic now, but someday you'll have to hear about it! in the meantime, enjoy me bitching about condos!

exit strategy

well, i withdrew my offer on the beautiful renovated victorian condo. to my sadness. the @#%#^$ sellers agent "forgot" to mention that the back staircase was for emergencies only. since the condo is so small and i need that staircase to feel like i'm not locked in, and because it takes up quite a bit of space of the 703 sqf, i backed out. but not without paying the $325 inspection fee. blasted realtor. however, my buyers agent was very nice & agreed to assume the fee in his commission, should i buy a place thru him. that was nice.

so i'm back looking at places again next week. but not right now. tired of it. what an exhausting process to do all by ones self. but at least...i can pick whatever the hell i want and i have only myself to please in buying a place. that is nice!

a-loan & blue

my head is spinning with mortgage rates day & night! if it's not that, it's what do i want to buy. ugh. must stop & think about something else.

but not this...

since my hair is short again, not intentionally, i now get hit on by girls again. ugh. i really hate that. yesterday some chick was telling me how beautiful the moon was as i was walking away from the t-stop. who the hell cares. i'd seen the moon over the boston sky-line already (nothing better than right behind the custom house!). it's not any better over a traffic light with someone pointing it out to me, hoping i'll walk up the street with them...or a little bit more.

i really hate being hit on. i must grow my hair back out again just to avoid it.

evasiveness

well, my online dating success continues to be an elusive goal. probably because i've just begun it again, duh. there are a few guys that have written to me that sound nice & sweet. (except for the stalker middle-eastern guy who wrote me 3 times without response so i had to block him. what is it with me & middle eastern stalker men?) so perhaps i'll meet up with a few good men. but it's annoying. guys think they're so wonderful they don't have to post a picture. but they write these enticing e-mails that you think, hmmm. maybe he's something to look at. and then...(to be continued when i see the pictures ;)

in the meantime, and pretty much all the time, there's something nice and comforting about exes. especially ones that you haven't seen in a long time & you both have morphed into these oh-so-awesome versions of your former selves. i'm quite enjoying being both "gorgeous" and "good-lookin" in one day as expressed by two different guys with impeccable taste, of course. ;) you gotta admit that knowing someone for 10 years, even if you haven't lived in the same place, is cool. especially in this day and age of mobile-this and e-that.

my condo/house search continues with some more open-houses on sunday. i'm gonna get myself a buyers' broker in hopes that having one of them plus a lawyer will protect me from all kinds of ills that could befall me in my new adventure. i'm dreaming of my kitten pooping all over the floor, no wait. i'm dreaming of my kitten lazing in the sunny window of my new place, after i've cleaned up all the poop, licking her paws (she is, that is). and my favorite music is playing (let's make it the moldeau by smetana), i'm drinking hot coffee (ghiradelli's chocolate coffee) and writing an e-mail to my friend p. about how fun it is to be poor with no furniture, but damn, how nice it is to have my own place. then because i won't be able to afford to travel anymore, i'll put posters up of all the places i think i'd want to go but haven't cared enuf in the past to get there. nah, screw that. i'll travel & just not have a fridge...

on the line again

after i keep seeing my friends hook up with people online, and happily so (and by hook up i mean get permanently attached), i've decided to venture online again for what the 7th time. this time i'm using creative lines that go something like "looking for a kind man who doesn't prefer a bitch." i kid you not. you know that bitches get the nice boys. perhaps it's the psychological dominatrix thing. i don't feel like being a bitch unless i need to. it's a waste of energy. (who needs to create all those problems just FTHOI?) i'm also stating exactly what i'm looking for. educated, cultured, smart, accomplished. we'll see who steps up to bat...

so far i'm having no better success than b4. there are these charming guys who think they can write to me & i don't need to know what they look like in return. aka the missing bandits. when i ask my guy friend why guys do this he sagely replies "cuz they don't want their girlfriends to see them." nice. then there are the divorced ones with kids that i have to think twice about. i'm not sure i'm that much of a saint. and the other ones who pretend they're my age but clearly look 50. and still the other "height-weight proportionate" (read "i'm completely satisfied with my non-gymness") guys who haven't read the part where i said i look young for my age and looking for someone who takes good care of themselves (as in "i like younger men"). oh well, i suppose it's all a crap shoot from their point of view. and believe me, from the looks of things, from mine also. ;)

in other news...i got preapproved for my mortgage from one lender & am now lender shopping. without the house. that's good. no stress. i can take my time. besides, who wants to triple their monthly expenses without a warm body beside them to make up for it? well, time for a doggy! but ugh, not on the bed.

"i'm a big girl now"

i've decided to buy something. or to get ready to buy when i feel like it. how nice that i live in one of the top two most expensive housing markets!!

so i'm working my way through the financing maze, getting smarter every day. as scary as it is, it's kinda cool to be a big girl & do it all myself.

yup, one house coming right up! and yes, i'll take the snow-covered roof on it, as right now (in march) that's the weather special for the day.

moments like these

this week rocked. not only did my youth orchestra perform a flawless and electric rendition of my violin teacher/conductor/mentor's oratorio in carnegie hall, i got to see some of my friends again that i haven't seen for years -- like 10!

when i went backstage after the concert (which i didn't perform in due to my damn neck being in rehab) i was grabbed & hugged & kissed by friends & exES alike. mmmmm. afterwards a bunch of us went out all night.

ya know, there's some sort of bond there with people that you've traveled with. especially to cool places like petra, the pyramids, the great wall of china, and the kremlin.

sweet dreams

last night i dreamed that this baby eagle fell from the sky. it landed in our living room & i ran to get my camera & get a picture of it. when i focused in on it, it looked like a kitten! i got a few pictures of it and then all these kids came into the room. when they left, i couldn't find my camera. (later i decided i wanted to search all of their belongings because i was sure one of them had taken it, but of course their escorts declined.)


anyhow, the eagle grew up suddenly and turned into this gorgeous guy! he was tall, thin, with dark hair & a great body. and he really liked me. he put his arm around me & was talking to me. then he started making out with me & i had to stop him b/c of course he was trying to go too far too fast.


i told him my camera had been stolen by the kids, but we never did recover it.


in another sequence i was going to visit another guy in the dream. in this occasion, i broke into the guy's house to see him, unaware that there were sleeping dogs in front of the door inside. it was dark so i couldn't see them. when i realized they were there, i tried to leave quietly. he heard that i was there and came out with me & we went to the car. suddenly i heard a lion's roar, and realized that the old man the boy lived with had unleashed his pet lion in the yard. i ran for the car door & he unlocked it just in time for me to get in and escape the lion. the old man came and sat in front with the boy, while i sat in the back seat. i don't know why the old man was there or who invited him. i sure didn't! or why he sat in the front seat. the bastard.

real men don't eat (my) quiche

i just baked the best quiche that ever was made. mmmmm. you have NO idea how good it was. it possibly, possibly rivals my 3rd apple pie.

i'm going to make someone very very happy someday. me. i love my baking. and dammit, so does everyone else that eats it.

you'd never guess...i'm talented in the kitchen as well. who would thunk it.

cheap date

so usually i don't write about my dates because, well, i have my reasons. but this one is too funny.

i meet this guy that i met online for a drink. and right off he loses points, big ones, for not opening the door for me on the way into the restaurant. and it was a big door. with a BIG-ass handle. which i opened myself. and then, there was another one. which he didn't wake up and open either.

so. nice. here we are with me opening my own doors. this bodes well.

then we're sitting there talking. and right off he asks me what i think of bush. apparently this guy hasn't heard of the national-politics-and-religion ban on first dates. so we talk about bush. and the economy. and the war. and our professions. (we'd already covered religion by accident, as happens with me when someone wants to know why i've moved so much. ) and so i'm waiting for him to talk about his kids. and waiting. and waiting. so i keep saying, so tell me more about you. meaning, duh, your KIDS. what does he say after we've exhausted, travel, religion, politics, diet, et. al? "about me. let's see. what books have i read lately?" dude, what do i give a shit about that? i don't even discuss this with my friends! who the hell cares.

anyhow, no real brownie points off for bad conversation, just that dude, i'm not an intellectual. go have your thinky conversations with a non-date. you're here to IMPRESS me, remember, not to boggle my mind.

so conversation aside, here is the funny part.

mr. i-don't-do-doors goes to pay for the meal. and he of course has to elicit thanks from me for the $60 drinks for which HE wanted to order two appetizers for, which he does by saying, well, i'll take care of this [nah, ya think?], cuz i guess it's my job. what do you have to say to that? so i say thank you, subtracting more browning points as i do. now this guy is ending up like in the la-la-land of date scoring. however, no problem. i can say thank you. i was planning on it anyhow. just not him thinking this is his job. after all, he suggested the date.

and since he is paying in cash, (hello, CASH?) he adds a few dollars for tip and then decides he doesn't have enough dollar bills for the tip. and sitting right there with two twenties in his other hand which he clearly doesn't want to break, he asks me if i have $1.

do i have $1.

so i graciously open my purse and think (i actually did) to myself, well, this is the last date for you buddy boy.

did i tell him that? no. like the guy who says he's going to call, i said sure, i'd go out with him again. as if.

that is the story of my "$1 date". and i'm still laughing. but not going out with him again.

so here's the point of the whole thing: the thing about dating rules is this: how well you conform to the societal rules measures 1) your intelligence level that you know them, 2) your respect for women, 3) your respect for that woman in particular, and 4) your acceptance of the fact that yes, you believe women deserve extra special care because they are women. if you don't want to follow the rules? you're a rebel & therefore untrustworthy. sucks, but that's the wayitiz.

intruder

this morning i woke up from a dream...

i was in a dark house with some guy i knew well who was worried about people outside with guns. i was laying on the couch, and he said to cover up with a blanket so i did. i still looked anyhow, and suddenly there were people all over inside the house with guns. one of them came up to me and pointed the gun at my head while i was laying there. i woke up wondering if he was going to pull the trigger and what it would feel like.

surprisingly, i wasn't that scared. my heart wasn't beating fast & i wasn't shocked about the dream.

it's just odd. what does it mean? and why wasn't i more worried???

brady bunch

i saw my boy brady yesterday at the pats parade! :) sweet. what is there more to say about that. he's the man.

cooking for sport

i do not consider myself A Cook. however, i am becoming a cook. for fun. not for necessity. i tend to be a moderate feminist who believes that men are capable of opening cans and using forks to feed themselves, and should they wish more edible vituals, may also prepare them, and that only children need to be fed until they can feed themselves, in which case they may learn to help prepare food so they will know how to take care of themselves when they grow up.

i do cook for men however when i really like them, as a favor. because i like doing something nice that i know they like. i also prefer to keep it that way and tend to like guys who also cook so that i don't feel he's gonna die if I don't feed him! ;)

it is only lately that i have started cooking as an art form, similar to musical talents which are heard, and photography which is seen. food can be an art form that is smelled and eaten. so therefore, i have started cooking.

as you saw, my first foray was my christmas pie which turned out excellently. i am now on my 3rd successful attempt to make apple pie, this time from scratch (i.e. including the crust.) i will include a picture again if it turns out looking nice. you can believe, it will turn out tasting nice, as i am a good cook, inspite of myself.

and...boyfriend bware...i believe the best match for a cook for a sport is a dishwasher for sport. for much like a racecar driver, i don't believe that i should both drive AND be changing the tires at the same time. don't you agree???

it's getting [c]old

today is the coldest day in boston in 50 years. makes me want to move to a warmer place. where i can afford to buy a house by myself. and actually be in a town where men believe in dating. and i have a place to park my car. and i own a dog again who can run around without a leash for a while. and not have to live in my house with me, but has a little back yard just for him to bark at.

it's a beautiful world

beautiful men just keep popping up everywhere. or rather being everywhere. (he wasn't so much popping as far as i could see. and i definitely was watching.)

anyhow, yesterday on the train on the way home this malboro man sat down across from me & there was just something about him that fascinated me so much that i had to try not to stare at him the whole way home. he looked like aforesaid man, and also like an ex of mine. rugged, sad, confident, purposeful, and probably cold.

he was one of the sort that makes you want to know everything about them. is he straight? what does he do? does he WORK at looking this sexy? is he a model? what is it about him that makes one so intrigued?

so then last night i dreamed about my ex that looked like the train man who looked like the marlboro man. in my dream he was very friendly and affectionate with me for a while until he saw this beautiful blond woman with long hair (that looked like haley on the o.c.) & then he went and started making out with her. in front of me.

oddly, my reaction was more like, whatever, you can have her than jealousy or anger toward her. i think in my dream she was some extension of myself so i didn't really resent it. it was just odd.

damn men on trains. they lead to wierd dreams. will have to bury head in book to avoid good-looking somethings who wreak havoc with my head.

cold hands, warm heart

today we reached a high of 4 degrees. farenheit. niiice.

in other news, upstairs in my house lives the cutest guy. i mean he's adorable. college student with great looks, a nice personality ("can i help you carry that?" always works) and a to-die-for-voice. that always gets me. a mix between jack nicholson & christian slater.

i think i will begin to have various and sundry problems with my house (boiler overflowing, doors not opening, etc. that require the immediate attention of Cute Guys Upstairs.

however. i will under no circumstances date him. because he has a girlfriend. and because, only worse than dating a guy in the office...is dating a guy who lives upstairs. yeah, i know this. that's how i know what their apartment looks like upstairs...