the upside
well, this morning i wanted to die.
now i'm glad i didn't.
today i found out mr. ny is moving here for a job in a couple weeks. sweet. so my eastern-european comfort will be back in town.
my housemate texted, wanting to do dinner.
i offered to help my friend move sunday.
i turned down the ballet saturday afternoon.
my co-worker sent an e-mail praising something i did to all my bosses.
i turned down drinks tonite with another cool male coworker.
i texted mr. busy to see if he wants to meet up this weekend. (he also responded to my text last weekend, but eh, mr. ny did first...)
my former co-worker confirmed lunch next week.
so. i guess somebody loves me? and i have some peeps to love still? maybe?
February 27, 2009
black is back
well, i am up & down, all over the place emotionally. it helps to talk to my married friends, some of whom have been miserable for years. puts everything in perspective.
right now i need an unhappily married blog to read. any of those around?
i need to know that it's not more fun in the sandbox.
to help, i'm remembering my friends that settled & how i have felt sorry for them. always. they're getting what they wanted in terms of r-ships & moving on, but they never were the shiny happy people again that i knew when they were single.
of course there are lots of happily married people, but heck, i don't want to think about them right now. they are fine anyway, they don't need me for anything. i don't need them either. let them be.
to combine two favorite movies:
"mawwaige....bah humbug!"
well, i am up & down, all over the place emotionally. it helps to talk to my married friends, some of whom have been miserable for years. puts everything in perspective.
right now i need an unhappily married blog to read. any of those around?
i need to know that it's not more fun in the sandbox.
to help, i'm remembering my friends that settled & how i have felt sorry for them. always. they're getting what they wanted in terms of r-ships & moving on, but they never were the shiny happy people again that i knew when they were single.
of course there are lots of happily married people, but heck, i don't want to think about them right now. they are fine anyway, they don't need me for anything. i don't need them either. let them be.
to combine two favorite movies:
"mawwaige....bah humbug!"
done
i don't want to be here anymore. there is nothing for me.
there is no man that i respect in my life. there will apparently never be any.
i have no friends. i have no family of my own.
i will be spending saturday night alone. and sunday night alone. and monday night alone. because there is no one that i want to spend it with, who also wants to spend it with me.
i didn't settle. therefore i have no husband, no children, no family, no companionship. i am lonely.
what is the point in even trying again? i will never date anyone again. i will never believe another man.
i will always be seeing single.
my eternal damnation.
i don't want to be here anymore. there is nothing for me.
there is no man that i respect in my life. there will apparently never be any.
i have no friends. i have no family of my own.
i will be spending saturday night alone. and sunday night alone. and monday night alone. because there is no one that i want to spend it with, who also wants to spend it with me.
i didn't settle. therefore i have no husband, no children, no family, no companionship. i am lonely.
what is the point in even trying again? i will never date anyone again. i will never believe another man.
i will always be seeing single.
my eternal damnation.
February 26, 2009
see-saw
retrospect is a wierd thing. one minute you see things this way, the next you saw them that way.
after an earlier tirade (which i erased) about my impressions about a number of things about the jerk, i now have appropriately (about the time for bed) landed upon a conclusion:
that thank goodness he left, otherwise i would have been stuck with him.
sometimes it's hard to realize that being a couple, as intoxicating as it sounds, means you sacrifice yourself to the integrity of the other person. that is a very good thing if they like to treat their sacrificial offerings well. like princesses with feelings. (why do men prefer them without?)
if, on the other hand, you want to still exist somewhere as yourself, oh my. that is another problem. because you need to be still like jello in a mold on your sacrifical alter in his opinion, whereas you rather think of yourself as the main dish.
i'm losing my way here, what was the topic again? rants tend to be random. a wierd thing about rants. ok, another tangent....[runs to check title of blog]
oh. see saw. now i see what i didn't saw before. a number of interesting things that i never identified in guys i dated before. which is why as i stated, they were fog. things like me (as in myself) being invisible, but rather a reflection of how he saw himself & his ideal woman, his criticism of me that displayed itself in the oddest moments, how super sweet he was, taking better care of me than i took of myself, his absorption with himself & his own activities (which made me suspicious that even if i lived in his HOUSE i wouldn't be visible), how he controlled so many things.
mr. new york coming over the weekend after i got back really put this into perspective. he was just so - laid-back. whatever i wanted was ok. however i dressed. he didn't ask me to dress up for him. he didn't pick the restaurant. maybe he didn't like me but really, he wasn't projecting & wasn't trying to get me to be anything other than - in bed. hee hee. (however, seriously, exactly the place the jerk didn't want to be. proving, it wasn't me...) but anyhow. what a difference.
remember a few months ago i got super emotional in front of mr. ny. we had a knock-down-dragout fight over text about whether he was a klepto or not (i now think not but then...hmmm). & we have made up. more than once. lol. & now just to have him here, so refreshingly non-controlling. especially when he tells me, yes, you are very fu*kable & goes to prove it a time or two. proving again what mr. la said (minus the f*ing activity) that - it wasn't me.
yes. i now see. i am blaming myself for this whole thing.
must mean - i'm a woman. ;)
retrospect is a wierd thing. one minute you see things this way, the next you saw them that way.
after an earlier tirade (which i erased) about my impressions about a number of things about the jerk, i now have appropriately (about the time for bed) landed upon a conclusion:
that thank goodness he left, otherwise i would have been stuck with him.
sometimes it's hard to realize that being a couple, as intoxicating as it sounds, means you sacrifice yourself to the integrity of the other person. that is a very good thing if they like to treat their sacrificial offerings well. like princesses with feelings. (why do men prefer them without?)
if, on the other hand, you want to still exist somewhere as yourself, oh my. that is another problem. because you need to be still like jello in a mold on your sacrifical alter in his opinion, whereas you rather think of yourself as the main dish.
i'm losing my way here, what was the topic again? rants tend to be random. a wierd thing about rants. ok, another tangent....[runs to check title of blog]
oh. see saw. now i see what i didn't saw before. a number of interesting things that i never identified in guys i dated before. which is why as i stated, they were fog. things like me (as in myself) being invisible, but rather a reflection of how he saw himself & his ideal woman, his criticism of me that displayed itself in the oddest moments, how super sweet he was, taking better care of me than i took of myself, his absorption with himself & his own activities (which made me suspicious that even if i lived in his HOUSE i wouldn't be visible), how he controlled so many things.
mr. new york coming over the weekend after i got back really put this into perspective. he was just so - laid-back. whatever i wanted was ok. however i dressed. he didn't ask me to dress up for him. he didn't pick the restaurant. maybe he didn't like me but really, he wasn't projecting & wasn't trying to get me to be anything other than - in bed. hee hee. (however, seriously, exactly the place the jerk didn't want to be. proving, it wasn't me...) but anyhow. what a difference.
remember a few months ago i got super emotional in front of mr. ny. we had a knock-down-dragout fight over text about whether he was a klepto or not (i now think not but then...hmmm). & we have made up. more than once. lol. & now just to have him here, so refreshingly non-controlling. especially when he tells me, yes, you are very fu*kable & goes to prove it a time or two. proving again what mr. la said (minus the f*ing activity) that - it wasn't me.
yes. i now see. i am blaming myself for this whole thing.
must mean - i'm a woman. ;)
memory serves...
sometimes memory serves good meals.
as i'm struggling not to call my ex-doc, who will soon receive a new name since i'm getting allergic to the term doc, i recall an interesting statement. we were at epcot when the right moment in the conversation struck to ask him why he had not married before (or specifically, at 23 when his brother did). his response was epic, and immediately struck me as a red flag more than anything else he'd said before. and that was a prophetic red flag, in hindsight.
anyway, he said immediately without pause, ' "what was her name again?" that's pretty much what you could say about any girl i've dated at any time." and i was like hmmm....
i didn't realize how interesting that statement would become to me.
sometimes memory serves good meals.
as i'm struggling not to call my ex-doc, who will soon receive a new name since i'm getting allergic to the term doc, i recall an interesting statement. we were at epcot when the right moment in the conversation struck to ask him why he had not married before (or specifically, at 23 when his brother did). his response was epic, and immediately struck me as a red flag more than anything else he'd said before. and that was a prophetic red flag, in hindsight.
anyway, he said immediately without pause, ' "what was her name again?" that's pretty much what you could say about any girl i've dated at any time." and i was like hmmm....
i didn't realize how interesting that statement would become to me.
February 25, 2009
recovery
well, i'm reading stuff from liftedhearts.net every day & apparently doing much better than past breakups. that is, from the lack of craziness-factor. (oh yes, to clarify, of course this wasn't a breakup. there was nothing to break up from my ex-doc's perspective. he was still criticizing me to figure out if i was good enough for him, a small fact that i noticed & referenced in my blog, but apparently that didn't sink in until, well, it did.)
my ex, mr. la, who i guess i used to call mr. possibility but who isn't anymore, with whom i'm going on vacation, was a valuable resource for me last night. i told him that i had texted my ex-doc & said you're gone aren't you? well goodbye. i'll miss you. & he thought that was a "class A" thing to do. coming from him that's awesome, because mr. busy saw the worst most crazy sides of me ever. how many times did i tell him i never want to talk to you again? & he tell me the same?
i of course got all wrapped up in the "other woman" theory & called mr. la for his perspective. he had just had a crazy ex accuse him of cheating, which he didn't. because it was with me & we didn't. so i knew he'd help. he said basically that what he told her was it doesn't really matter. if i was with someone else (which i wasn't) i'll either figure out that you were better & come back, or i'll like her better & leave. either way, you'll find out now. so that curbed my tendencies to be all crazy on my ex-doc about that.
i sent my ex-doc back a check for the $$ he gave me for the rental car on the trip. i told him thank you for your generosity, but like i said, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested in it. i really don't want his money. ugh. he got annoyed with me a few weeks ago because he thought i was wanting him to spend his money unfairly & i really don't. i said at the time, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested. which, i just proved. i didn't do this to prove anything, but really i don't want what i consider guilt or dumping money. even if it was a business deal that he agreed to. i don't need it. i don't want it. we'll see if he cashes the check...
nevertheless, i'm crying at night & generally very broken up as i really thought this was a guy i would marry. i would never have gone on vacation with him if i didn't think he was already planning to date me. apparently i was mistaken. he was still analyzing everything, in fact, in a very critical way. i seemed to go from the goddess of light to someone worthy of dumping literally in a few hours.
anyhow, mr. la assured me NONE of this is me. that i had a very good reason for getting upset when i was in orlando. it's very odd, but i am not to blame for any of it. he also said to give it time, who knows, sometimes people need time to think things over. since he is also a taurus (we all 3 are actually, him, me & my ex-doc) & we have been through our share of fights & reconnections, i think his viewpoint would be the most accurate of anyone's.
which is not to say i would jump at my ex-doc's reappearance. i am thinking this sort of rejective behavior is emotionally abusive & as cute as he is, i'm not interested in being subjected to that.
oh well. it's actually been less than 2 weeks since we got back, but i guess i don't have any patience for his odd behavior. i am going to move on & get back to my other guys - that love me, in spite of myself. or heck. BECAUSE of my wonderful self.
well, i'm reading stuff from liftedhearts.net every day & apparently doing much better than past breakups. that is, from the lack of craziness-factor. (oh yes, to clarify, of course this wasn't a breakup. there was nothing to break up from my ex-doc's perspective. he was still criticizing me to figure out if i was good enough for him, a small fact that i noticed & referenced in my blog, but apparently that didn't sink in until, well, it did.)
my ex, mr. la, who i guess i used to call mr. possibility but who isn't anymore, with whom i'm going on vacation, was a valuable resource for me last night. i told him that i had texted my ex-doc & said you're gone aren't you? well goodbye. i'll miss you. & he thought that was a "class A" thing to do. coming from him that's awesome, because mr. busy saw the worst most crazy sides of me ever. how many times did i tell him i never want to talk to you again? & he tell me the same?
i of course got all wrapped up in the "other woman" theory & called mr. la for his perspective. he had just had a crazy ex accuse him of cheating, which he didn't. because it was with me & we didn't. so i knew he'd help. he said basically that what he told her was it doesn't really matter. if i was with someone else (which i wasn't) i'll either figure out that you were better & come back, or i'll like her better & leave. either way, you'll find out now. so that curbed my tendencies to be all crazy on my ex-doc about that.
i sent my ex-doc back a check for the $$ he gave me for the rental car on the trip. i told him thank you for your generosity, but like i said, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested in it. i really don't want his money. ugh. he got annoyed with me a few weeks ago because he thought i was wanting him to spend his money unfairly & i really don't. i said at the time, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested. which, i just proved. i didn't do this to prove anything, but really i don't want what i consider guilt or dumping money. even if it was a business deal that he agreed to. i don't need it. i don't want it. we'll see if he cashes the check...
nevertheless, i'm crying at night & generally very broken up as i really thought this was a guy i would marry. i would never have gone on vacation with him if i didn't think he was already planning to date me. apparently i was mistaken. he was still analyzing everything, in fact, in a very critical way. i seemed to go from the goddess of light to someone worthy of dumping literally in a few hours.
anyhow, mr. la assured me NONE of this is me. that i had a very good reason for getting upset when i was in orlando. it's very odd, but i am not to blame for any of it. he also said to give it time, who knows, sometimes people need time to think things over. since he is also a taurus (we all 3 are actually, him, me & my ex-doc) & we have been through our share of fights & reconnections, i think his viewpoint would be the most accurate of anyone's.
which is not to say i would jump at my ex-doc's reappearance. i am thinking this sort of rejective behavior is emotionally abusive & as cute as he is, i'm not interested in being subjected to that.
oh well. it's actually been less than 2 weeks since we got back, but i guess i don't have any patience for his odd behavior. i am going to move on & get back to my other guys - that love me, in spite of myself. or heck. BECAUSE of my wonderful self.
February 23, 2009
hit & run
well, i guess i was just hit & run by the best guy i have ever dated. ever.
unbelievable.
mr. ny came over yesterday & really was awesome. he was supportive & loving & kind, all the things that my doc stopped being. suddenly. plus, what can i say, mr. ny knows how to make a woman happy & yeah, i need to not forget that my doc just didn't care enough to do that.
sigh.
it sucks to be a taurus & get all caught up in how hot people are & how perfect they are & forget - if he's getting on my nerves (and i consider myself very tolerant) & all into himself - yeah. doesn't matter how hot that is.
sooner or later i would have called it a day. given his lack of interest in me & how i feel. i guess better it happened now.
yeah right. isn't that what you always tell yourself when you've been dumped.
well, i guess i was just hit & run by the best guy i have ever dated. ever.
unbelievable.
mr. ny came over yesterday & really was awesome. he was supportive & loving & kind, all the things that my doc stopped being. suddenly. plus, what can i say, mr. ny knows how to make a woman happy & yeah, i need to not forget that my doc just didn't care enough to do that.
sigh.
it sucks to be a taurus & get all caught up in how hot people are & how perfect they are & forget - if he's getting on my nerves (and i consider myself very tolerant) & all into himself - yeah. doesn't matter how hot that is.
sooner or later i would have called it a day. given his lack of interest in me & how i feel. i guess better it happened now.
yeah right. isn't that what you always tell yourself when you've been dumped.