recovery

well, i'm reading stuff from liftedhearts.net every day & apparently doing much better than past breakups. that is, from the lack of craziness-factor. (oh yes, to clarify, of course this wasn't a breakup. there was nothing to break up from my ex-doc's perspective. he was still criticizing me to figure out if i was good enough for him, a small fact that i noticed & referenced in my blog, but apparently that didn't sink in until, well, it did.)

my ex, mr. la, who i guess i used to call mr. possibility but who isn't anymore, with whom i'm going on vacation, was a valuable resource for me last night. i told him that i had texted my ex-doc & said you're gone aren't you? well goodbye. i'll miss you. & he thought that was a "class A" thing to do. coming from him that's awesome, because mr. busy saw the worst most crazy sides of me ever. how many times did i tell him i never want to talk to you again? & he tell me the same?

i of course got all wrapped up in the "other woman" theory & called mr. la for his perspective. he had just had a crazy ex accuse him of cheating, which he didn't. because it was with me & we didn't. so i knew he'd help. he said basically that what he told her was it doesn't really matter. if i was with someone else (which i wasn't) i'll either figure out that you were better & come back, or i'll like her better & leave. either way, you'll find out now. so that curbed my tendencies to be all crazy on my ex-doc about that.

i sent my ex-doc back a check for the $$ he gave me for the rental car on the trip. i told him thank you for your generosity, but like i said, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested in it. i really don't want his money. ugh. he got annoyed with me a few weeks ago because he thought i was wanting him to spend his money unfairly & i really don't. i said at the time, if you're not attached to your $$, i'm not interested. which, i just proved. i didn't do this to prove anything, but really i don't want what i consider guilt or dumping money. even if it was a business deal that he agreed to. i don't need it. i don't want it. we'll see if he cashes the check...

nevertheless, i'm crying at night & generally very broken up as i really thought this was a guy i would marry. i would never have gone on vacation with him if i didn't think he was already planning to date me. apparently i was mistaken. he was still analyzing everything, in fact, in a very critical way. i seemed to go from the goddess of light to someone worthy of dumping literally in a few hours.

anyhow, mr. la assured me NONE of this is me. that i had a very good reason for getting upset when i was in orlando. it's very odd, but i am not to blame for any of it. he also said to give it time, who knows, sometimes people need time to think things over. since he is also a taurus (we all 3 are actually, him, me & my ex-doc) & we have been through our share of fights & reconnections, i think his viewpoint would be the most accurate of anyone's.

which is not to say i would jump at my ex-doc's reappearance. i am thinking this sort of rejective behavior is emotionally abusive & as cute as he is, i'm not interested in being subjected to that.

oh well. it's actually been less than 2 weeks since we got back, but i guess i don't have any patience for his odd behavior. i am going to move on & get back to my other guys - that love me, in spite of myself. or heck. BECAUSE of my wonderful self.