trick or treat!
last night was one of the best halloween's ever...
more to come!
November 01, 2008
October 31, 2008
energy
i just had lunch, 2nd date, with a guy i met online. it completely sucked the energy out of me. i feel like somebody pulled the plug & i have no energy left.
that sucks.
i guess i shouldn't meet up again.
part of the reason it was so exhausting i think was because he didn't ask anything about me. other than what i was doing for halloween/the weekend. that was it.
he told me during lunch too that he had weighted 450 pounds for years & had just lost the weight 5 years ago. i guess that's why he's not the most suave dater. i don't really mind that, but there is no energy radiating from him at all.
when i met him at the door there wasn't a sparky hello. the most smile i got out of him was when he hugged me good bye.
he wants to meet again & i said ok. i feel bad. but i can't. i just don't have energy to spare.
like i said, i feel bad. but you shouldn't feel bad for the people you date. they chose their lives & if it's different from yours, well, that's their choice.
now how do i get all this energy back? i will need a lot of it for tonite if i'm going to that halloween party with people i don't even know. THAT takes a lot of energy.
to quote pooh, bother.
i just had lunch, 2nd date, with a guy i met online. it completely sucked the energy out of me. i feel like somebody pulled the plug & i have no energy left.
that sucks.
i guess i shouldn't meet up again.
part of the reason it was so exhausting i think was because he didn't ask anything about me. other than what i was doing for halloween/the weekend. that was it.
he told me during lunch too that he had weighted 450 pounds for years & had just lost the weight 5 years ago. i guess that's why he's not the most suave dater. i don't really mind that, but there is no energy radiating from him at all.
when i met him at the door there wasn't a sparky hello. the most smile i got out of him was when he hugged me good bye.
he wants to meet again & i said ok. i feel bad. but i can't. i just don't have energy to spare.
like i said, i feel bad. but you shouldn't feel bad for the people you date. they chose their lives & if it's different from yours, well, that's their choice.
now how do i get all this energy back? i will need a lot of it for tonite if i'm going to that halloween party with people i don't even know. THAT takes a lot of energy.
to quote pooh, bother.
October 30, 2008
how do you spell relief?
i've been trying to figure out why i like capricorns. i really do. mr. big & mr. ny are both caps & i'm just so crushed on them.
among the ton of other reasons, here is the main one...
they want me to be the best me.
these guys actually like the "me" that i like the best, and they demand it. if i'm not at my best, they tend to not be at their best either. and for caps that generally means non-responsive.
one thing about me in relationships is that i collapse. i turn from this independent, cheerful person into an insecure, scared little girl. no guy finds this attractive. especially caps.
so what they've been doing for me is pavlovian.
when i interact in a manner that is sexy (aka the best me) they respond the most. when i interact in a manner that isn't sexy (aka insecure me) they either don't respond or it's clearly not with the same level of interest.
these guys actually reinforce and reward the side of me that is strong. because they do not like weakness. now that's not to say they don't like being there for me if i need it. caps are all about taking care of and protecting their women. but they want to know they are needed for a cause. it is awesome if a strong woman needs them. but turns them off if a weak woman clings.
this is a HUGE finding for me. i can be the best me and still be in a relationship. because of this, i can have a relationship with these guys that is both meaningful and healthy for me. i don't have to go through that ego collapse and melding of "me" into "we." caps don't want that. they want to interact with a strong "i." it is not only preferred with these guys that i keep a strong sense of self, it is actually required.
oh what a relief it is!
i've been trying to figure out why i like capricorns. i really do. mr. big & mr. ny are both caps & i'm just so crushed on them.
among the ton of other reasons, here is the main one...
they want me to be the best me.
these guys actually like the "me" that i like the best, and they demand it. if i'm not at my best, they tend to not be at their best either. and for caps that generally means non-responsive.
one thing about me in relationships is that i collapse. i turn from this independent, cheerful person into an insecure, scared little girl. no guy finds this attractive. especially caps.
so what they've been doing for me is pavlovian.
when i interact in a manner that is sexy (aka the best me) they respond the most. when i interact in a manner that isn't sexy (aka insecure me) they either don't respond or it's clearly not with the same level of interest.
these guys actually reinforce and reward the side of me that is strong. because they do not like weakness. now that's not to say they don't like being there for me if i need it. caps are all about taking care of and protecting their women. but they want to know they are needed for a cause. it is awesome if a strong woman needs them. but turns them off if a weak woman clings.
this is a HUGE finding for me. i can be the best me and still be in a relationship. because of this, i can have a relationship with these guys that is both meaningful and healthy for me. i don't have to go through that ego collapse and melding of "me" into "we." caps don't want that. they want to interact with a strong "i." it is not only preferred with these guys that i keep a strong sense of self, it is actually required.
oh what a relief it is!
melt-down
last night i had a complete melt-down on the way back from my friend's Cabi clothing show. i just cried buckets.
dunno if it was being around all these women with kids/family - well, obviously that's what it was.
i was like why didn't my life turn out this way? being single at this age is so NOT what i intended! plus - it doesn't look like the outlook will improve anytime soon.
i seem only to be interested, as i have said a few times, in guys who like yet more space than i. which doesn't lend itself to any sort of movement in the direction of even a committed relationship. in fact, i'm moving AWAY from that. i am much more enjoying have 2 or 3 guys.
is that wierd? i'm turning into a bachelor! oh gees.
but then why am i crying about it?
girls are wierd.
last night i had a complete melt-down on the way back from my friend's Cabi clothing show. i just cried buckets.
dunno if it was being around all these women with kids/family - well, obviously that's what it was.
i was like why didn't my life turn out this way? being single at this age is so NOT what i intended! plus - it doesn't look like the outlook will improve anytime soon.
i seem only to be interested, as i have said a few times, in guys who like yet more space than i. which doesn't lend itself to any sort of movement in the direction of even a committed relationship. in fact, i'm moving AWAY from that. i am much more enjoying have 2 or 3 guys.
is that wierd? i'm turning into a bachelor! oh gees.
but then why am i crying about it?
girls are wierd.
literary brilliance
some insightful reader posted a comment that the mr. big moniker wasn't original. eh, i didn't feel like posting it since its intent was to be critical, but i appreciated the comment anyway. ok, clearly not a regular reader. doesn't know what mr. big actually refers to, lol. or that i've never even watched 1 whole episode of satc.
anyway. i found that my annoyance was offset by flattery. at the concept that my little blog was criticize-able in terms of literary content. one doesn't generally think a blog qualifies for true literary criticism. i mean, it's just random somethings that i generally edit - sometimes obsessively - but not particularly to make it any certain way, just because some words explain my thought process better than others.
i've thought to self that i need to save my blog. in the past i'd PDFd it and saved it. i probably should print it up. just for kicks. it does have some gems of wisdom scattered about, and now & then i turn a phrase that even i think has some inkling of literary brilliance.
but i would never have considered my silly little boy titles to be worthy of comment. i mean, mr. ny, mr. fl, mr. la, mr. busy, how less original does it get than that? mr. big actually happens to be the most original of all. what does that say for my boyz? maybe i should actually attempt to have their names match the level of feeling i have for them.
ok, well, if that's the case - then i guess - mr. big will still do just fine!
some insightful reader posted a comment that the mr. big moniker wasn't original. eh, i didn't feel like posting it since its intent was to be critical, but i appreciated the comment anyway. ok, clearly not a regular reader. doesn't know what mr. big actually refers to, lol. or that i've never even watched 1 whole episode of satc.
anyway. i found that my annoyance was offset by flattery. at the concept that my little blog was criticize-able in terms of literary content. one doesn't generally think a blog qualifies for true literary criticism. i mean, it's just random somethings that i generally edit - sometimes obsessively - but not particularly to make it any certain way, just because some words explain my thought process better than others.
i've thought to self that i need to save my blog. in the past i'd PDFd it and saved it. i probably should print it up. just for kicks. it does have some gems of wisdom scattered about, and now & then i turn a phrase that even i think has some inkling of literary brilliance.
but i would never have considered my silly little boy titles to be worthy of comment. i mean, mr. ny, mr. fl, mr. la, mr. busy, how less original does it get than that? mr. big actually happens to be the most original of all. what does that say for my boyz? maybe i should actually attempt to have their names match the level of feeling i have for them.
ok, well, if that's the case - then i guess - mr. big will still do just fine!
October 29, 2008
fading
well the happy glow from mr. big lasted until just now. so that means - it lasts three whole days.
which is good.
however i still have how many days until i'll see him again? or even hear from him?
this is the hard part for me. liking a challenge & my space but filling up my time until those who like yet MORE space reappear.
oh well.
i had a great date last night, so much fun! best yet. which all goes to show - show up! he was fun, articulate, & i had a blast.
you really can't tell with people, who you will enjoy & who you won't. in fact people actually dislike mr. big, who i completely adore. well, yeah, most of him, lol.
life is funny. people are unpredictable. but through it all - just showing up is a really good thing! i guess i'll keep doing it...who's next?
well the happy glow from mr. big lasted until just now. so that means - it lasts three whole days.
which is good.
however i still have how many days until i'll see him again? or even hear from him?
this is the hard part for me. liking a challenge & my space but filling up my time until those who like yet MORE space reappear.
oh well.
i had a great date last night, so much fun! best yet. which all goes to show - show up! he was fun, articulate, & i had a blast.
you really can't tell with people, who you will enjoy & who you won't. in fact people actually dislike mr. big, who i completely adore. well, yeah, most of him, lol.
life is funny. people are unpredictable. but through it all - just showing up is a really good thing! i guess i'll keep doing it...who's next?
October 28, 2008
bluster-y
this isn't describing the weather, though it certainly could today!
this is how i think the next online guy i'm going to meet is. i'm very into voices, more so all the time. and his manner & voice is just overpoweringly friendly. ok, little freaked out here.
i'm supposed to meet him in uh, 45 minutes. we'll see how it goes...
this isn't describing the weather, though it certainly could today!
this is how i think the next online guy i'm going to meet is. i'm very into voices, more so all the time. and his manner & voice is just overpoweringly friendly. ok, little freaked out here.
i'm supposed to meet him in uh, 45 minutes. we'll see how it goes...
you can do it
last night i was writing in my diary about mr. big again. i started reading thru my diary last year, quite of bit of which was dedicated to him. there was this post on october 11 where i was saying i just want to be in his arms again.
and below the post i wrote - dreams can come true! here it is one year later & - voila.
now this sounds all sickeningly sappy, and i assure you - it is. however that's not all. it is a sign of my progress.
throughout my diary were written the lamentations that i wished i could just get over my anxiety, and my fear of loss. and all the other things i was struggling with that were actually prohibiting my relationship with him from progressing. then due to all these things - and the fact that the relationship wasn't progressing - i cut it off completely.
last night i was reading through, realizing - i am not the same person i was a year ago. i have confidence, i have a sense of self, i have independence, i have the ability to sit back & view him & his life with a sense of allowment. that means i can allow him to be - himself! he does not have to be what i want. he can be himself.
so i guess i'm saying - if you are struggling with yourself & can't break out of your patterns - you will find a way if you persist. my way this year was to move out on my own, become independent, lose friends that were keeping me in my self-defeating patterns, and attend the understandmen conferences. possibly the last, the conferences, have made the most difference because they have taught me to LOVE MEN and interpret their actions in a positive light in a way i never did before.
my fear is still there that things will crash & burn with mr. big. i mean, i'm actually assuming (though i hate to) that things will not work out & we will just be casual dates. yet, i am enjoying him & the whole process of dating him like i never did before. with rapidly diminishing levels of stress & angst over what will happen next.
the main thing i need to focus on is how i will happen next. what is core to me? central to my happiness? i already know he contributes a lot to that. how do i let him know that? how do i appreciate him so that he feels it? & how do i let him go on his way, yet invite him to come over & join me sometimes on my way - & have us both have fun?
it's great to have a new goal...MORE fun. that's my new goal. how can things be MORE FUN with my guys? that goal is so far removed from how can i not be whiney & scared that they will leave...
yes, i did it.
last night i was writing in my diary about mr. big again. i started reading thru my diary last year, quite of bit of which was dedicated to him. there was this post on october 11 where i was saying i just want to be in his arms again.
and below the post i wrote - dreams can come true! here it is one year later & - voila.
now this sounds all sickeningly sappy, and i assure you - it is. however that's not all. it is a sign of my progress.
throughout my diary were written the lamentations that i wished i could just get over my anxiety, and my fear of loss. and all the other things i was struggling with that were actually prohibiting my relationship with him from progressing. then due to all these things - and the fact that the relationship wasn't progressing - i cut it off completely.
last night i was reading through, realizing - i am not the same person i was a year ago. i have confidence, i have a sense of self, i have independence, i have the ability to sit back & view him & his life with a sense of allowment. that means i can allow him to be - himself! he does not have to be what i want. he can be himself.
so i guess i'm saying - if you are struggling with yourself & can't break out of your patterns - you will find a way if you persist. my way this year was to move out on my own, become independent, lose friends that were keeping me in my self-defeating patterns, and attend the understandmen conferences. possibly the last, the conferences, have made the most difference because they have taught me to LOVE MEN and interpret their actions in a positive light in a way i never did before.
my fear is still there that things will crash & burn with mr. big. i mean, i'm actually assuming (though i hate to) that things will not work out & we will just be casual dates. yet, i am enjoying him & the whole process of dating him like i never did before. with rapidly diminishing levels of stress & angst over what will happen next.
the main thing i need to focus on is how i will happen next. what is core to me? central to my happiness? i already know he contributes a lot to that. how do i let him know that? how do i appreciate him so that he feels it? & how do i let him go on his way, yet invite him to come over & join me sometimes on my way - & have us both have fun?
it's great to have a new goal...MORE fun. that's my new goal. how can things be MORE FUN with my guys? that goal is so far removed from how can i not be whiney & scared that they will leave...
yes, i did it.
October 27, 2008
dreams can come true
last night this happened.
mr. big was at my place. for the first time. and yes, we were...
this was my fantasy about this time last year - just after we broke up. and now a year later, it came true.
i don't know what will happen now but i'm trying to just live in the moment & think, am i enjoying self? is he enjoying me? and not be all up in a relationship.
last night i just sat there & looked at him & thought to self, i can't believe this is happening. i got the chance to do things over & am doing them so right that i got what i wanted a year ago.
yes, dreams can come true.
after that it's what you do with them that matters...
last night this happened.
mr. big was at my place. for the first time. and yes, we were...
this was my fantasy about this time last year - just after we broke up. and now a year later, it came true.
i don't know what will happen now but i'm trying to just live in the moment & think, am i enjoying self? is he enjoying me? and not be all up in a relationship.
last night i just sat there & looked at him & thought to self, i can't believe this is happening. i got the chance to do things over & am doing them so right that i got what i wanted a year ago.
yes, dreams can come true.
after that it's what you do with them that matters...