you can do it

last night i was writing in my diary about mr. big again. i started reading thru my diary last year, quite of bit of which was dedicated to him. there was this post on october 11 where i was saying i just want to be in his arms again.

and below the post i wrote - dreams can come true! here it is one year later & - voila.

now this sounds all sickeningly sappy, and i assure you - it is. however that's not all. it is a sign of my progress.

throughout my diary were written the lamentations that i wished i could just get over my anxiety, and my fear of loss. and all the other things i was struggling with that were actually prohibiting my relationship with him from progressing. then due to all these things - and the fact that the relationship wasn't progressing - i cut it off completely.

last night i was reading through, realizing - i am not the same person i was a year ago. i have confidence, i have a sense of self, i have independence, i have the ability to sit back & view him & his life with a sense of allowment. that means i can allow him to be - himself! he does not have to be what i want. he can be himself.

so i guess i'm saying - if you are struggling with yourself & can't break out of your patterns - you will find a way if you persist. my way this year was to move out on my own, become independent, lose friends that were keeping me in my self-defeating patterns, and attend the understandmen conferences. possibly the last, the conferences, have made the most difference because they have taught me to LOVE MEN and interpret their actions in a positive light in a way i never did before.

my fear is still there that things will crash & burn with mr. big. i mean, i'm actually assuming (though i hate to) that things will not work out & we will just be casual dates. yet, i am enjoying him & the whole process of dating him like i never did before. with rapidly diminishing levels of stress & angst over what will happen next.

the main thing i need to focus on is how i will happen next. what is core to me? central to my happiness? i already know he contributes a lot to that. how do i let him know that? how do i appreciate him so that he feels it? & how do i let him go on his way, yet invite him to come over & join me sometimes on my way - & have us both have fun?

it's great to have a new goal...MORE fun. that's my new goal. how can things be MORE FUN with my guys? that goal is so far removed from how can i not be whiney & scared that they will leave...

yes, i did it.