revelation

so blogging is good. i just realized the main theme...

1) i can't make up my mind
2) i get pissed at everyone i date

guys don't leave me, i actually leave them first. or i get bored. or annoyed.

i can't remember a time when i was seriously in love OR like with someone and they left. i either left first or told them we shouldn't date exclusively anymore or had already gotten bored but didn't want to admit it - and then they left. if i hadn't already.

this even happened with the jerk. i was the one who questioned long-term (rightfully so).

so the guys that stay in my life actually like me. they just don't commit in general. or - i have gotten upset and wishy-washy with them about whether we should be together or not.

i haven't met any other women with this kind of pattern. most women i know get stuck in r-ships and can't get out. me, i can't seem to stay in.

but still. i have never regretted. there is no guy since my childhood that i wish i were with, because for all of them, i would have given up part of myself. for one moved to another country. for another, not gone to grad school. for yet another, moved out of state & left my job. should i go on?

as it is, i am whole.

single, but not in pieces.

now the question is, how to merge this whole piece of me with somebody else. yes, i'm working on that...

it's called legos. i have great legs. so i just need the 0's.

(hee hee)

chasing my tail

i feel like i keep going around in circles. my posts are all the same.

i like this guy.
no i don't.
i am leaving.
wait.
i miss him.
um, [dials the phone]
he comes back.
wait.
he is dating someone else.
i'm not hearing from him.
i miss him.
um [dials the phone]
he comes back.

rinse.
repeat.

now the question is, why is this happening & should i try to stop it? my friends tell me to get counseling but i had 3 counselors over the past few years & they all depressed the he** out of ME. i didn't get anywhere. maybe somewhere but gees. once someone starts blaming my religion for my issues, we have a problem.

news flash. i am not in a cult. therefore, it is not my religion that is the problem.

back to the topic.

i keep going in circles for a reason. because i can't stand to lose people i really like. so i try everything i can to make things work, but i change my mind all the time so the guys are like WTH? but still, they know i like them and they like me, so we keep trying to make something work. even friendship.

i called my father on father's day. i didn't enjoy the call. but i did my duty. the root cause of my problems with men, it's like drinking at the spring of poison. but it is also trying to forgive and move on. i am responsible for my decisions, he is not. so taking responsibility also means - doing just that. so i am grown up.

and sad.

what do you do. i guess in my case, call up one of my guys and keep chasing my tail. at least, i have a beautiful and tasty tail.

some would call that a nice a**.

:)

just amazing

today i met up with mr. NY again. of course he is now living here in boston, with a GF if you forget my tortuously long history with him.

i haven't seen him since he moved here because, to my relief, he is not a cheater. so he has avoided seeing me. i therefore was not a bit surprised that when he finally wanted to meet up months later he is thinking of ending things with her.

i just like him so much but realize there isn't really intellectual compatibility. so i have that with mr. meetup. but just can't stand the annoying controlling thing.

it seems i will give up compatibility for liking someone. not that it matters. it's not like mr. NY will want to start dating me anyway. he is younger and here i am going kid-crazy. or lack of kid-crazy.

but there is something about just really liking someone and seeing them again that is so happy.

along that line, of course i realized i can neither live with nor without my cap. so i probably will see him again too, on his terms of course, because being a cap, those are the only terms there are. but like mr. NY, there is something very fundamental that i like about him. and - he makes me very happy.

so i don't know what to do but keep seeing the people that make me happy and keep hoping that i could get happy & someone my age in the same package, but that is seeming less and less likely.

what do you do. make hay while the sun shines.

which, because i live in the northeast never happens, any more than finding "a guy that i want to date who also wants to date me" does.

so saddened...

by the deaths of ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett and michael jackson. michael's nanny was my college class mate and friend on facebook, but she unfriended me, so i sent regards via a message. poor thing.

we weren't close, and i suspect i was not conservative enough for her tastes, but hopefully it was another reason. i don't know.

in any case, i had an odd thought today that i am getting a tiny little glimpse of what my 101 year old grandma felt like. she told me once when she was 100 years old probably, that nobody she grew up with or new when she was young was still alive, except for one friend. to watch a lifetime of people die, while you live must be a form of torture.

this is why god ordained that when sin entered the world, we should die. can you imagine living forever with sin and death? it is just awful. i know sometimes that when i am in a lot of pain and depressed that i don't want to live anymore, and i understand how welcome death is sometimes. so much so that you can now go to die in the state of michigan by choice.

and this is a blessing to some.

controller

well, i finally identified the annoying factor about mr. meetup.

sadly.

i so didn't want to find anything wrong with him. such good company he is! he came over last night & we made mac & cheese & watched the devil wears prada. he brought my favorite wine. we curled up with the cat. how else do you spell cozy & companionable?


and then he had to comment, twice, on whether or not i closed the windows when i turned the heat on. when i was in the process of closing them. and then he had to comment on was i going to let the mac & cheese cool when we brought it out of the oven.

HUH?

what am i, 5?

this is why i didn't get back with my ex last year, in part. the one who wanted to marry me. nothing i did was right. i didn't load my groceries in the back of the car right (yes, true, bad me), i left the 4th of july stuff in the bag on the kitchen floor for 2 days until the 4th, i didn't park in the right place when we were walking to the train.

deja vu.

so i will have to friend mr. meetup. sadly. available, emotionally compatible, whatever.

the last thing i can be is controlled. i have just decided - it is worse than being ignored. which i thought was the worst thing ever for me. no. control is.

dammit.

i also realized that when he was kissing me, he wasn't giving, he was taking. it just wasn't sexy. maybe i'm too used to seduction, not having been married & just going for it when you want. or maybe i'm used to guys giving. yes, that's it. i date givers. not takers.

again, dammit.

another one bites the dust.