December 31, 2008

doc is in the house...

ok, well, he will be. :) he's planning a visit, just confirming dates.

v. excited.

anonymous wrote a comment a few days ago about being friends. sure. i'll try. but this is like asking a starving person to sit down at a banquet & not eat.

but i can dream about it, if i can't do it all right...

December 29, 2008

the show goes on...

my doc is still around. that's his new online name.

he's been calling & texting & is super affectionate & interested in me. it looks like he just might be a keeper.

i'm currently planning a trip to LA to see mr. busy & will see if my doc wants me to take extra days to see him, or what his schedule is like. he already said he will fly me out, but if i'm already there might make sense to just go over there.

mr. NY is going to come visit also when he gets back in the country, so that should be cool.

my doc is clearly first choice but given that i've known him only a week, mr. NY a couple years, and mr. busy like 15 years, i will keep them around. at least until i have something going on with my doc. given that he's in CA, it would be a few months before either of us is even living in the same place - even if we tried - and i just don't trust guys enough to try to have an exclusive relationship long-distance.

but it's nice to have options. and right now my doc is clearly making me happy.

i like.

December 23, 2008

i met a real guy who treats me like a lady...

applause for anonymous's comments to the "is it me" post. apparently it's not.

these guys do exist, it's not a myth. i just met one this weekend!

in an odd twist of fate, i heard this guy sing in church. long story short, next thing he's singing with our choir, going out with us saturday night, rescuing us sunday from the ER-incident, at our party, taking me to the airport - and wants to fly me out to go skiing with him at mammoth.

he's an adorable - read killer smile, deep voice, kind, sweet, laid-back but not a pushover - doctor who has, gasp, weekends off. he finds me - shockingly - fascinating, and generally thinks i'm awesome.

which he said when he hugged me goodbye at the airport.

now of course, the skeptical me is trying to yell, but i'm trying to silence that side for a change.

as anonymous said, he's not flirting. he's treating me like a lady - as evidenced that he didn't even try to make out with me - and, he, did i say, finds me fascinating, already?

wow. i'm in - awe. as evidenced by the fact that i am clearly stuttering in my writing.

more to come along this theme. i hope! really i do.

December 17, 2008

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg

this is me screaming.

i am SO frustrated with men.

like another hot friend of mine pointed out - it doesn't matter if you're hot anymore. men just want 10 of you.

what is the answer? i'm stuck in a timewarp.

between feminism (which didn't work) and f*ckism (which also didn't work).

where are we now?

i have no fricken clue. but i'll let you know when i figure it out.
update to "games people play"

oh, to continue my former train...mr. russia informed me that both of his comments were true. he was in town generally & he was going back & forth between towns.

nice to know.

he expressed no interest in seeing me which was duh, the whole point of telling him i'm coming to town. but then, that's how he is.

so i have more respect now that he told the truth but still think his intent was to appear noncommittal to my visit.

which he completely succeeded on.
is it me?

i just don't get guys nowdays.

they flit, flirt, they flee.

or is it me?

then you're supposed to be all understanding and supportive of men.

of what?

of mirages?

they're not really there. who is really there? they just pretend. you're their fun for the moment, then they move on.

along this line i deleted mr. russia's phone number from my phone. on the same day he just got voted one of his city's most eligible bachelors in their city magazine.

oh well, he really won't have time now.

i also told him off, in a nice way, that our communication styles were different. i just didn't like to be disappeared on. and he likes to come and go, that's the way he is. nothing wrong with that, i just don't like it. i've known how he is, i mean i've known him since he was 12. another friend of mine also commented on the same thing, so it's not me.

anyhow, so i'm going to go away. i'm sure i won't hear from him again. and i guess i shouldn't care. he's a good friend - in that he's an old friend. but not a hang-around-with-friend. i just have to accept that.

i have a happy life with guys who actually DO respond to me & want to see me. like mr. ny who is keeping in touch cross-continent. what do i need guys for that don't even respond when i say i'm coming back to town?

bah humbug.

December 16, 2008

mwahahahaha

Love questions every guys asks himself
games people play

so my current crush - the mr. russia (not the guy from 7th grade) - is d*ing me around.

i decide to go back to his town to visit. not for him, my sister is there, duh. although it would be nice to see him. this evidenced by fact that i buy ticket before telling him. e-mail him in a group with others saying i'll be back in town, hope to see you guys.

one friend responds, he doesn't.

so a few days later i text, will you be around next weekend? he replies, yeah, i'll be around, why? (clearly he either can't read or is trying to figure out what i want.) i say, just seeing who can come out to play. then he says awww, actually i'll be in some other town most of the time.

jerk.

this morning i write back asking if he does this to his guy friends - ignores that their coming to town, says he's available, then says he's not. like if he doesn't want to meet up fine. but enough of the games already.

ayiyi. do i have to treat these guys like they're children? yes, apparently so. because clearly, they are.

seems all the guys in my life these are boyz to men but they haven't gotten there yet. will i ever see the day?

gees. annoying.

looks like we may be going another 6 years before meeting up. or forever if he can't show some r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

December 15, 2008

more crushes

have you ever had a crush on someone since childhood? wondered what would have happened "if"? and then - told them about it years later?

well, i did and i have.

i had a crush on this guy since 7th grade. he asked me to go out with him. i didn't like him then. and then as soon as i said no - i went crazy crushed on him. which lasted for what, until now?

i finally caught up with him on facebook. he's married now & has a few pre-teenage kids. lovely wife. firefighter in CA. and i told him about my crush.

he was sweet but unresponsive to the crush idea, which was actually better to me. since in the light of day crushes tend to wilt. it seems like it's fantasy that drives them, not reality.

so now all of a sudden - i'm free! it's like this angst "i should have gone out with t in 7th grade, my life would have been so different" is all over!

he's a real person. we're grown up. he's not the little cute boy anymore. and we are adults who went on with our lives.

ah, what a relief it is!

December 08, 2008

reliability

i sent this e-mail to 6 of my guy friends. with, so far, stellar responses. they very liked. now we'll see if they very act...

Morning!

This is a message I am sending to my single guy friends, so please
don't feel singled out. ;) You are actually being singled in.

I'd like 2009 to be Seeing-Single's Year of Friends & Happiness. And your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be part of that! In fact I love it if you were.

So I'm asking all my friends to give me a special gift for Christmas of – themselves. And along with that, the ability that I can count 100% on their words & actions aligning.

Seeing-Single's Year of Friends & Happiness will be so much better with your sponsorship. In fact, you are critical to it! So I hope that you will decide to participate in your own little (or big) way, making sure that whenever you tell me you want to show up in my life, you show up! In fact, if you want to show up without telling me, well, that would make me happy too (assuming I am available to see you, lol.) These things would make me super happy. Did I say that already?

Anyhow, here's to 2009…a toast to you being my friend.

December 02, 2008

crushed

in an odd turn of events, i am completely crushed on this kid who told me that his dream - at 12 - was to have me have a crush on him.

he's not a kid anymore, he's taller than me & infinitely more successful on the violin, now a 3-rd chair for a major symphony. tall, fun, cute, kissable. just super cool.

and i made his dream come true.

how funny is that.

so now about me. how do i find this guy in real life? i mean, someone else? he just broke up with his girlfriend who is 5 years younger than me because she was older than him & he wasn't ready to settle down. so it's not like he's an option. but i want somebody like him.

warm, friendly, cute, successful, sweet, fun, attractive, great personality, well-traveled, should i go on? i mean, i can't even imagine how hard it was for this girl to be broken up with. ouch.

oh well, i'll get over it in a few days. i don't know what to do though about the fact that this is the type of guy i want? he told me himself to give guys like him a chance, that i need to raise my standards. yeah. sure. happy to.

where are they?

November 25, 2008

terror

i experience a kind of terror at the thought of losing a guy in my life. needless to say, this is not sexy, so i try to not share it anymore.

i also have tried to stop the hard end to relationships, rather leaving a door for them to go through still. like, i'm sorry i tried, i found no solution. but you tried for a bit, thank you.

rather than we're done, never call me again.

especially if they haven't done anything to warrant a hard stop, it's pretty wierd to be like that.

well, one does improve.

big hugz to c for the additional comment. yes. i have guys that want to see me, coming from jersey to meet up. will be nice.

on the other hand, i need to not forget that losing my self-confidence is a losing proposition for a relationship & i need to keep that up no matter what. so when mr. big calls again (which he will) i know what to say.

i think i've already planned it out. if for any godknowswhat reason he wants to meet it will be in 3. we will meet up, we will talk the next day & we will meet up again a few days later. if he won't commit to all three, times & dates, i won't even see him once. this would keep my angst in check i think & also set some boundaries for no, you will not disappear on me.

ok, well, that scenario will never happen, but at least i disengaged.

ah, emotional freedom. whew.

November 24, 2008

i did let it go...

thanks to c for the comment. oddly enough about an hour before i read c's comments, i had just e-mailed mr. big that i couldn't and shouldn't put up with being ignored. that i was super upset about it & that sorry, i had tried. but there was no solution for us getting along.

this makes it all feel better somehow, to know it's not me that's the problem. yeah, i might have issues from my past, but nothing that makes it ok to not treat me well. i mean who comes over & sleeps with you & then ignores all attempts you make to communicate with them in the days afterward? but then - doesn't want to leave, just wants to be in your life somehow, to what - do that all over again?

man, that's just messed up.

yes, i will find someone who fills the emotional void for me. i mean not in me, only i can do that. but for me.

i kept thinking if i'm around him i'll have access to that emotional warmth that he has. & then it was like getting thrown out of a jacuzzi into the middle of the arctic. still in my sexy bikini.

yeah. no.

i will be upset for a while still but at least i presented how i felt calmly and conclusively. sorry buddy, fresh out of solutions since you're such an a*hole.

but sigh, one that i like.

November 22, 2008

replicator, anyone? anyone?

very depressed lately & crying in my milk.

if i had any milk...

ok. anyhow. whytf do i have to just refuse to settle? i could have settled - even for the last guy i dated that didn't have sexy breath - & be on my way to a happy r-ship. instead i demand to really want the guy i am with.

and so i am single.

botheration.

i don't know what i'd do without facebook. friends on there keep me going since i haven't spoken to anyone all day except my cat & the people at the dollar store. of course i turned down a couple invites today, it's not that no one loves me. just not the right people.

mr. ny wrote from his country, yea. i haven't heard back yet from mr. big though who continues to prefer it if i ignore him for days at a time. i'm trying hard to walk away from his rejective behavior but it's just so hard. i've never dated a guy who is more warm & fuzzy when he is around. i'm busy trying hard to get that somewhere else.

anyone have a star trek replicator for sale?

November 18, 2008

boy comes thru

it's working! he's doing it! mr. big is actually - drum roll - responding. like he said he would.

and it's good stuff too. one is this...

when i asked him what i should do about other guys that i don't want to date anymore, he gave me a great line.

just tell them you don't like them like that.

it's perfect. it's polite. and it says i won't be f*in you. ever.

ok, now i just have to do that. ugh.

i don't usually ask guys i like for advice on other guys but 1) he is good at it apparently, being the king of diplomacy and 2) seems i'm not in line for dating more seriously & i mean really, we're not even getting along so that would be why and 3) doesn't hurt to point out i got other things goin' on.

November 17, 2008

change

well this weekend was interesting.

i confronted four guys in my life about how their [unreliable, non-responsive] behavior upset me. one of them i yelled at in person. three of them i yelled at online.

none of them wants to stop our friendship. in fact the guy i yelled at in person said, and i quote, "i don't want to let you go."

now this is interesting. i thought their behavior meant they weren't interested. but they have stated they never meant to hurt me and most of them apologized. the one i care the most about, mr. big, not only didn't leave, he agreed that he would like to try interacting with me more [the responsive part] in lieu of losing me altogher.

i realized i need to state clearly what i need from them. in a nice way. so i will do that. i n3ed to say - i'd like to have you in my life. but in order for us to relate without conflict, i need you to be [reliable, responsive] in all your interactions with me.

what is surprising is that all these guys respected my boundaries. and they wanted to please me. whether i was yelling online or in person - they got my message.

i don't know if their behavior will change but i expect it will. if it is true they never meant to offend, they will try to stop doing so.

what's frustrating is that i have put up with unreliable/unresponsive behavior from guys for years. i mean i've known some of these guys for more than 15 years. and i never called them on it before. now, today, in november 2008, i am setting the bar.

but then talk is cheap. we'll see who actually jumps over...

November 16, 2008

self-deceit

how do you convince yourself that if a guy leaves - it is a good thing?

i've been so conditioned to having men leaving be this horrible experience for me that i put up with CRAP. i was the one daughter that kept insisting, dad really wants his kids & will treat us well. so of course i keep trying (for 20 years) and end up with egg in face. dad is DAD.

there ain't no changin' him.

so his leaving was a GOOD thing.

right.

tell my psyche that. my poor little abandoned little girl psyche. who thinks that all goodbyes are sad. treacherous.

where is the goodbye that is happy? where i should be so thankful HE LEFT. thank goodness that guy who brings out the WORSE POSSIBLE side of me (gosh these caps are getting annoying. especially all together instead of at the beginning of sentences...)

tonite i will try and tell myself if a guy will not commit to making me happy, when i give him all the tools, he will NEVER make me happy. tools or no. it is about willingness. caring. i deserve that.

i deserve to have a guy treat me well. or leave.

dammit.
dangerous obsession

it's hard to leave someone who brings out the worst in you.

have you ever noticed that?

there are all these guys you date that around them, you are just the best you you could ever want.

but those aren't your demons.

your demons drive your relationships.

or at least mine do.

it is the people that make you WANT and NEED and WOW and OHMYGOSH, all those uncomfortable states that are just super annoying - that you keep lusting after. i don't mean just physical lust, i mean, spiritual lust.

something in your spirit craves these people because, yeah, you got shit to fix.

or at least i do.

why is it the people that make us the most our unwanted selves that we crave? like craving sweets to make us gain weight or get all sugarrushed.

is it the adrenalin rush? or this psychic need of ours to FIX what's broken? so in order to fix it, we can't just put it in the closet, we have to find somebody who will bring it out of us every day. hello, you need to FIX THIS!

me, it's the anxiety. find a guy who will ignore me like my father did, i'm all over him. have him give me attention the craving goes away. wierdness.

who the f* dreamed this kind of torture up?

November 15, 2008

housecleaning

well i've started kicking guys out of my life again that ignore me. jack is back called me & i yelled at him about la. he didn't intend to offend me, but oh, well, he did. he says he's not going anywhere so we'll see whassup with that.

i took mr. big & mr. military off my facebook profile. & told them why were they around?

i am so sick of putting up with this unreliability maybe i want you maybe i don't crap. don't want me, so go.

that said. i had a good date last night with internet guy. a comedian. and the leader of the meetup group texted me to invite me out tonite.

so i have new men. i just wish the old ones would work. dammit. i don't like losing people.

November 12, 2008

funny

so the guy in the picture grabbing my thighs is the leader of a group i go out with in the area. he has actually been good for me in a few ways.

after the first time i went out, i wrote him about the halloween party, which i went to with his group. he gave me his cell # then said don't give it out, women stalk me.

then he proceeded to stalk ME.

lol.

not really. just kept calling. i wrote back the first time saying i'd like to hang with the group, no pressure. he called back to tell me he got the message but was calling anyway.

ohhh.

so now i know how it feels like to have someone just a little too interested in you!! this is what i have been doing wrong with guys i like. being just a little too interested. yeah, it tends to make people back off.

i do really like mr. thigh-man. he is cool. but i like to take time to get to know people. a LOT of time. eons. forever. infinity.

don't know if he's up for waiting..... that ...................longggggggggggggggg
dependability 1

i was wondering over the past few days what would happen if i called mr. big in case of an emergency. would he answer? would he be there for me? i realized this is a qualification i have for all the men in my life and somehow he escaped taking this test.

i have never even considered whether or not he would be there for me, probably because i have been too focused on meeting HIS standards.

so i decided to ask him. now this is pretty revolutionary for me. i am really enjoying trying new things though. i mean if he doesn't want to be a dependable man in my life, shouldn't i know this? and if he doesn't want to be there for me, why do i want him around?

i've always considered him a plaything. never taken him very seriously. never even considered that he is a man that takes care of people, why not me.

he has not been responsive to my requests for help in the past (computer stuff) or the lag time has been weeks. but given my new standards - aka that he respond to my communications, i think it is fair to up the ante.

if he is not even a friend, why should i even consider him for more?

funny how long it takes to realize these things...
time warp

it is the wierdest thing. time just seems to speed up after i see guys i like & i get all anxious & think i'll never hear from them again.

and then i do a reality check - like, when did i talk to them last? & in the case of mr. big it was only ..... 5 days ago.

gasp.

it feels like 5 months.

5 days. that's nothing. that's not enough time for anyone to miss anyone. for any new news to transpire. unless it's critical developments (like my company being sold!)

damn time warp.

john gray writes about how when people are uncertain time speeds up for women & slows down for men. clearly this is the case. ugh.

i need to unwarp my speed.

November 11, 2008

success

my online date from the other night, the cycler boy, asked me out to a concert friday night! nice.

i like this guy.

not crazy like, but like. he seems very sad. maybe i can cheer him up. :)

November 10, 2008

imagine...there is a way from slavery to the oval office...

...imagine if you can...

can you even imagine what must be going through barak's mind as he steps foot inside the oval office as the first black president ever?

i'm sure i can't. but i'm trying.

it must be one of the most moving moments in the history of the U.S.
??

i went on a good date last night. another online thingy. but my super-screening abilities are really working out well. i'm meeting better guys. i mean, i'm like a single-nazi. in fact, i just wrote a guy asking if he was indeed single. (he wanted to play pool.) i said i tended to get really annoyed with guys that showed up still in relationships. that i tended to beat them with the cue stick. (big super smiley evil face)

but i liked this guy. we'll call him bedford, cuz he lives there. i'm not sure if i'll see him again though. that's a ways away. and he kept fishing about to find something we had in common. no sorry, i don't bike. i don't like burning quads....music is ok. do i go to concerts much? not that much. how about sport? yeah, playoffs.

i realized this is what guys screen for. things in common.

it's why mr. big didn't think we should hang out the first time around. he might still think that. we don't have anything in common.

now see i look at it like this, if i like you, i can do your stuff with you. guys don't. they are like, do you do this ALREADY? if not, they're not gonna try to change us.

very practical. dammit.

i went through my usual comparing date to mr. big, since he's my current crush. i hate that bit of the date. where you always wish you were on a date with your real interest. bah humbug.

until he's really interested back i should can his ass. & not even think about it anymore. however, he does have a cute ass though. hmmmmmm.

ok, back to life, back to reality.

in other news, i am going to count the days of last communication with mr. big. i have to just GO AWAY for him to miss me. he can't keep missing me if i keep showing up, duh. this is another thing guys have to do. miss us. they have to figure out, if i miss her, i like her. if i don't, i don't.

so i'm trying trying tryyyyyyyyyying to just not be clingy or contactive or anything else that would interrupt the missing cycle.

sigh. why is waiting around such hard work. i feel like i'm a relationship potatoe. i just have to sit around on MY cute little tuschie & wait for these damn guys to miss me. bother.

in the meantime, i guess i'll just have to play with all the other boyz in the neighborhood. [fake sigh]

November 05, 2008

free at last

my (single) friend in NY wrote this e-mail and sent it out to us. since i can have no conception of what this election must mean to a majority of the country - i will share his comments. it brings tears to my eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My Friends,

This is not a political commentary, but I'd like all to know that I
have never been prouder to be an American than I am today- you can
guess the reason why!!!

I was out till 3am this morning walking in the streets of my
neighborhood watching people dance, play drums and stop traffic while
cars honked like crazy. I saw what looked like an Indian cab driver
get out of his vehicle and do a jig in the street while a collection
of ethnically diverse people danced along, this backed up traffic on
DeKalb Avenue for a couple of blocks, and no one got upset. I
witnessed a white cop complain about the proceedings and a black cop
tell him, "let them party, let them have their drinks in the streets,
let them enjoy the night!!!" And they did- the cops stood to the side
and watched as all were having a good time, including them!!!

My friends, beautiful women who didn't know me from Adam would look me
in the face with a smile as appealing as fresh baked apple pie and
wish me well as I walked by them. If I didn't have work in the morning
this would have been the night to hook-up and fall in love with a
complete stranger. The magic was in the air. There was so much love
and good feelings going around I found it hard to tear myself away to
go home and sleep.

I am so proud of my community in BK.

Best to all on this glorious day which God ordained…

Free at last-Free at last; thank God All Mighty I am free at last!!!!
boundaries

this is the first time in my life that i have successfully and nicely set boundaries for interaction with me - with someone that i really like.

aka if you would like to keep interacting with me, this is what we need to figure out. does it work for both of us? and if not, it's ok if you don't show up in my life again. we're at a pretty good place & it's been good.

i'm not expecting it to change anything or make mr. big any more inclined to interact with me, although that would be a secondary benefit. the primary benefit is to remove myself from doormat mode & place my self solidly inside the living room of love.

how corny is that. lol.

(that's really what lol stands for too. wow, i am reaching new lows in my humor!)
new beginnings

it's time for a change. out with the old. in with the new.

we have a new president. (i didn't vote for him, but he's my logical preference. i just went with perceived character over charisma, but i'm happy to have charisma & change!)

brueggers has switched up blueberry coffee for pumpkin. (ok ugh)

i am gonna move on from these capricorns. (unless of course they come looking for me)

i'm a taurus. change is hard.

but it's good.

happy new things everyone!

November 04, 2008

wow

in yet another illustration of why i remain super crushed on mr. big, he responded today to both of my e-mails. in depth. patiently answering or commenting on my objections. asking what kind of solution i was looking for. and saying let him know if i wanted to talk more about these things i brought up.

there is no talk of me getting too attached, so let's cut things off. instead he is asking basically - how can i make you happy?

yup. that's my boy.

and that my friends, is why i like mr. big.
voting

i plan to vote today, but for whom?

may actually flip a coin in the voting booth. kid you not.

that's how effective the campaigns were. ha.

not that it matters what i vote anyway since the electoral college, like the super-delegates (but more influential) will decide everything.

so really, what is the point?

a bit annoyed.

November 03, 2008

control

w asked a great question - why does mr. big get all the control.

it's because i care more.

that's about it. i get attached, he doesn't. i fear loss. he doesn't.

i used to be embarrassed about this, but it is the way it is. and i actually care enough to say something rather than to just play a game about it. if i lose him again because i once again cared too much, that's the way it is.

i mean it's not like i'm spamming him or stalking him. my communications are basically that i liked being with him, had fun with him, love certain ahem things about him. etc. if that turns him off, wtf.

the same sort of communication with mr. ny gets completely opposite results. mr. ny loves sexy texting. he responds, immediately a lot of the time. so it's not like i am doing anything different with the two guys. it's just their response.

if mr. big decides to end things, that is his option. it is not my preference, but it's his choice. me, i want to be treated with respect. but i don't need him to become mr. ny. just to be respectful of my feelings.

the reason these guys get the control is b/c they are capricorns. you basically don't interact past a certain point unless they are in control. that is unless you can play cat & mouse long enough. me i have a hard time running.

i guess i get boring. they know they've caught me & they're off to the next girl.

oh well.

i just don't have the energy to spend trying to play hard to get. if they don't want my affection i can go somewhere else with it.

so i guess it's more about a choice than control. if you choose to be with me, treat me with respect. if you choose not to, leave.
callin' a spade a spade

well, i called mr. big on his disrespect of me, aka i'm good enough to screw around with but not important enough to respond to afterwards when i try to communicate. i said i was not a one night stand & asked him to find a solution that works for both of us.

my guess is that means he's outta here faster than a speeding bullet b/c now i have created drama. but since i'm already pissed, whatever.

i didn't want to make an ultimatum or whine. i just said it like i saw it. it IS disrespectful & i deserve more.

i didn't think ignoring him back would particularly solve anything. and my anxiety was just too high to live like that anymore. i'm not the sorta girl that can put up with that. or wants to.

so i guess i should print out my calendars & start my 30 days of no contact like we have broken up. for sure he will run for the hills for long enough to see if i follow or not - or he will just decide we're right back where we were when we dated & he's not up for actually having a real live relationship with me.

in which case, it's better to call it now.

ugh.

oh well. i provided the best solution i could. which was for HIM to come up with a solution. he knows what he wants, he knows what i want. if he can't come up with something workable for both of us, then there is no solution.

besides, this lets him fully control the outcome so he doesn't feel like i'm manipulating him. it's his choice.

ok, off to print my calendar.

did i say ugh?

damn sexy boyz.

November 02, 2008

if i were a boy

finally someone wrote a song about this!

i've wished i were a boy my whole life.

and always wondered what it would be like...
baby angst

so i'm having baby angst. nah, this isn't about babies. this is a small amount of angst, lol.

mr. big hasn't returned a text, e-mail or v-mail during the last week. my "i'm being abandoned" sensor has kicked in & is screaming like a fire alarm.

and then my reason kicks in. this is what he does. he takes everything in & then responds whenever we talk again. like, i got your text of 5 days ago, what did it mean? and then i'm like, well, the moment kinda passed. like 5 thousand of them...

so - i can either deal with this - or not. there was nothing i said except for friday night (which was what 3 days ago) that NEEDED to be responded to. he hasn't gone anywhere, except out of town, i expect.. i just saw him last week. we're well within his normal response time. but - i don't like being ignored.

i've been with him when he's ignored his phone, which is most of the time. he does take everything in. but the only person i've seen him interact with on a continual basis is his dad. that's cool. i dig that. apparently not his mom. or other women.

this is a problem i have had for years. i tend to have a very short window before i get pissed off. and then i am real smart & i talk about it. this is about the equivelent of a guy whining that you don't call them enough. yeah. you can see how sexy this is. so i'm changing it. i can go AWOL too.

in other news, but somewhat related, the other night i had a complete meltdown. on halloween i thought to self, self, i have no friends to go out with. i asked 3 guys to go to the party with me. and the girl at work had dissed me when i asked about going to salem to hang. and my housemate was having people over. i boohooed on my couch for a while.

then i got up & started getting ready for the party.

in the meantime one of my online dates called back. and my housemate invited me downstairs. and i figured out mr. big might be out of town. so i wasn't hated after all.

i ended up having so much fun at the party that i never got to date #2 (or 3?) with dean. (date #1 had been at lunch ugh.)

it is interesting to me to just keep reaching out to make new friends whether i feel like it or not. i am such a loner it is very difficult for me to do that. you can't tell by my pictures, lol, i look like a party animaless. i am. i mean if you can get me there...

all this went to show me - i am loved. i just am not used to making new friends & putting myself out there. i'm the girl who responds to the phone call. it's a whole new world of BEING the phone call.

in the spirit of this, i wrote to dean & suggested we try again. (i had kept waiting for him to write back. but hey i guess i was the one who blew him off...)

i'll be interested to see how mr. big responds when i don't. i never did that before. i was always the one to be like, hey, where are you? we'll see what he does when i run & hide. granted it will take him a month to figure that out.

but he will. at least i know by now - he's not going anywhere. that's huge. (again, why i call him mr. big, lol.)

it's up to me to see if i am the one that wants to hang around...
trees

well, it looks like we reached peak weekend in boston for fall colors. :)

my trees however, have not gotten the memo. dumb trees.

instead of being bright yellow this year, like they were last year, they are motley greenbrownorangish. that is the leaves that remain.

i don't know what i should do. this is agregious. i have to walk down the street to see a yellow tree.

maybe i should get a discount on rent?

dumb trees.

November 01, 2008

trick or treat!

last night was one of the best halloween's ever...

more to come!

October 31, 2008

energy

i just had lunch, 2nd date, with a guy i met online. it completely sucked the energy out of me. i feel like somebody pulled the plug & i have no energy left.

that sucks.

i guess i shouldn't meet up again.

part of the reason it was so exhausting i think was because he didn't ask anything about me. other than what i was doing for halloween/the weekend. that was it.

he told me during lunch too that he had weighted 450 pounds for years & had just lost the weight 5 years ago. i guess that's why he's not the most suave dater. i don't really mind that, but there is no energy radiating from him at all.

when i met him at the door there wasn't a sparky hello. the most smile i got out of him was when he hugged me good bye.

he wants to meet again & i said ok. i feel bad. but i can't. i just don't have energy to spare.

like i said, i feel bad. but you shouldn't feel bad for the people you date. they chose their lives & if it's different from yours, well, that's their choice.

now how do i get all this energy back? i will need a lot of it for tonite if i'm going to that halloween party with people i don't even know. THAT takes a lot of energy.

to quote pooh, bother.
happy halloween!

i got no parties to go to this year so i think i'll go to a meetup.com party tonite.
i invited 3 guys already to party with me tonite. then there is the group organizer who likes me & is fun. this should be interesting!

we'll see what happens...

happy halloween everyone!

October 30, 2008

how do you spell relief?

i've been trying to figure out why i like capricorns. i really do. mr. big & mr. ny are both caps & i'm just so crushed on them.

among the ton of other reasons, here is the main one...

they want me to be the best me.

these guys actually like the "me" that i like the best, and they demand it. if i'm not at my best, they tend to not be at their best either. and for caps that generally means non-responsive.

one thing about me in relationships is that i collapse. i turn from this independent, cheerful person into an insecure, scared little girl. no guy finds this attractive. especially caps.

so what they've been doing for me is pavlovian.

when i interact in a manner that is sexy (aka the best me) they respond the most. when i interact in a manner that isn't sexy (aka insecure me) they either don't respond or it's clearly not with the same level of interest.

these guys actually reinforce and reward the side of me that is strong. because they do not like weakness. now that's not to say they don't like being there for me if i need it. caps are all about taking care of and protecting their women. but they want to know they are needed for a cause. it is awesome if a strong woman needs them. but turns them off if a weak woman clings.

this is a HUGE finding for me. i can be the best me and still be in a relationship. because of this, i can have a relationship with these guys that is both meaningful and healthy for me. i don't have to go through that ego collapse and melding of "me" into "we." caps don't want that. they want to interact with a strong "i." it is not only preferred with these guys that i keep a strong sense of self, it is actually required.

oh what a relief it is!
long-distance love

mr. ny wrote me. & sent kisses.

from home. as in, his country.

ahhhhhhh. made my day.
melt-down

last night i had a complete melt-down on the way back from my friend's Cabi clothing show. i just cried buckets.

dunno if it was being around all these women with kids/family - well, obviously that's what it was.

i was like why didn't my life turn out this way? being single at this age is so NOT what i intended! plus - it doesn't look like the outlook will improve anytime soon.

i seem only to be interested, as i have said a few times, in guys who like yet more space than i. which doesn't lend itself to any sort of movement in the direction of even a committed relationship. in fact, i'm moving AWAY from that. i am much more enjoying have 2 or 3 guys.

is that wierd? i'm turning into a bachelor! oh gees.

but then why am i crying about it?

girls are wierd.
literary brilliance

some insightful reader posted a comment that the mr. big moniker wasn't original. eh, i didn't feel like posting it since its intent was to be critical, but i appreciated the comment anyway. ok, clearly not a regular reader. doesn't know what mr. big actually refers to, lol. or that i've never even watched 1 whole episode of satc.

anyway. i found that my annoyance was offset by flattery. at the concept that my little blog was criticize-able in terms of literary content. one doesn't generally think a blog qualifies for true literary criticism. i mean, it's just random somethings that i generally edit - sometimes obsessively - but not particularly to make it any certain way, just because some words explain my thought process better than others.

i've thought to self that i need to save my blog. in the past i'd PDFd it and saved it. i probably should print it up. just for kicks. it does have some gems of wisdom scattered about, and now & then i turn a phrase that even i think has some inkling of literary brilliance.

but i would never have considered my silly little boy titles to be worthy of comment. i mean, mr. ny, mr. fl, mr. la, mr. busy, how less original does it get than that? mr. big actually happens to be the most original of all. what does that say for my boyz? maybe i should actually attempt to have their names match the level of feeling i have for them.

ok, well, if that's the case - then i guess - mr. big will still do just fine!

October 29, 2008

fading

well the happy glow from mr. big lasted until just now. so that means - it lasts three whole days.

which is good.

however i still have how many days until i'll see him again? or even hear from him?

this is the hard part for me. liking a challenge & my space but filling up my time until those who like yet MORE space reappear.

oh well.

i had a great date last night, so much fun! best yet. which all goes to show - show up! he was fun, articulate, & i had a blast.

you really can't tell with people, who you will enjoy & who you won't. in fact people actually dislike mr. big, who i completely adore. well, yeah, most of him, lol.

life is funny. people are unpredictable. but through it all - just showing up is a really good thing! i guess i'll keep doing it...who's next?

October 28, 2008

attachment

how can i maintain any sort of relationship with a guy who i am not supposed to get attached to? aka mr. big.

yeah. this is an interesting question.

no idea.
bluster-y

this isn't describing the weather, though it certainly could today!

this is how i think the next online guy i'm going to meet is. i'm very into voices, more so all the time. and his manner & voice is just overpoweringly friendly. ok, little freaked out here.

i'm supposed to meet him in uh, 45 minutes. we'll see how it goes...
you can do it

last night i was writing in my diary about mr. big again. i started reading thru my diary last year, quite of bit of which was dedicated to him. there was this post on october 11 where i was saying i just want to be in his arms again.

and below the post i wrote - dreams can come true! here it is one year later & - voila.

now this sounds all sickeningly sappy, and i assure you - it is. however that's not all. it is a sign of my progress.

throughout my diary were written the lamentations that i wished i could just get over my anxiety, and my fear of loss. and all the other things i was struggling with that were actually prohibiting my relationship with him from progressing. then due to all these things - and the fact that the relationship wasn't progressing - i cut it off completely.

last night i was reading through, realizing - i am not the same person i was a year ago. i have confidence, i have a sense of self, i have independence, i have the ability to sit back & view him & his life with a sense of allowment. that means i can allow him to be - himself! he does not have to be what i want. he can be himself.

so i guess i'm saying - if you are struggling with yourself & can't break out of your patterns - you will find a way if you persist. my way this year was to move out on my own, become independent, lose friends that were keeping me in my self-defeating patterns, and attend the understandmen conferences. possibly the last, the conferences, have made the most difference because they have taught me to LOVE MEN and interpret their actions in a positive light in a way i never did before.

my fear is still there that things will crash & burn with mr. big. i mean, i'm actually assuming (though i hate to) that things will not work out & we will just be casual dates. yet, i am enjoying him & the whole process of dating him like i never did before. with rapidly diminishing levels of stress & angst over what will happen next.

the main thing i need to focus on is how i will happen next. what is core to me? central to my happiness? i already know he contributes a lot to that. how do i let him know that? how do i appreciate him so that he feels it? & how do i let him go on his way, yet invite him to come over & join me sometimes on my way - & have us both have fun?

it's great to have a new goal...MORE fun. that's my new goal. how can things be MORE FUN with my guys? that goal is so far removed from how can i not be whiney & scared that they will leave...

yes, i did it.

October 27, 2008

dreams can come true

last night this happened.

mr. big was at my place. for the first time. and yes, we were...

this was my fantasy about this time last year - just after we broke up. and now a year later, it came true.

i don't know what will happen now but i'm trying to just live in the moment & think, am i enjoying self? is he enjoying me? and not be all up in a relationship.

last night i just sat there & looked at him & thought to self, i can't believe this is happening. i got the chance to do things over & am doing them so right that i got what i wanted a year ago.

yes, dreams can come true.

after that it's what you do with them that matters...

October 25, 2008

spinning 2

so more about spinning.

the other thing i was saying is that people are so used to what you do when you spin out of control, that they will just jump right over to that place automatically, in anticipation.

like if you know your top always falls to the right, you'll just go over to the right to pick it up before it ever leans that way.

that's the hard thing about relationships. once you get locked into behavior patterns it's terribly hard to break. that's why starting over is so hard. because even if you don't spin right, your partner expects that you will and reacts as though you have. so in essence they also lock you into your patterns as well.

we all like predictability.

the hard thing about starting over, as i'm trying to do with mr. big, is that we both know where i'll spin off to. insecurity, clinginess, attachment that he finds suffocating & i find annoying. in one example, i used to stay at his place longer even when i felt like going home simply b/c i knew it would be forever before i saw him again.

but time now doesn't make up for time later & that didn't do either of us any good. so the last time i stayed over, i got up when i felt like it & went home. it fixed one of the annoying issues between us - me getting up early. so i kissed him goodbye & left. he kept sleeping, i got up early. & i didn't hang around.

anyhow. so that's all about that.
$$

well, my 401k lost half its value.

thank goodness i didn't have any contributions going in this year. and - that i'm not retiring!!
ae

american eagle had a sale yesterday. and i finally did it. i bought loungy clothes. up the wazzoo. i bought 4 pairs of sweats that actually - drum roll - are long enough! (this is the non-sexy part about my clothes, i don't feel sexy when the pants are too short!) and 2 matching cotton tanks with lace, mmmmmmm. and two long-sleeved graphic tees that match - AND that cover that little gappy spot on your back that happens now with the low-waisted stuff.

and everything matches!

i am dedicating a whole drawer to my loungy clothes and i am going to organize it and i am going to put in the attic anything that does not make me feel meg ryany cute & sexy at home.

then i'm going to do this with the rest of my wardrobe.

i have struggled for years with clothes. always buying, never finding the right thing. i need to free up some mental & emotional energy for other stuff. this just drains my energy!

so i hit upon a strategy to only put in my dresser clothes that i have brought back from the laundry. you get it. it means if i'm not wearing it, it's not there. i made a few exceptions, but i took 3 bags of clothes upstairs & there they will remain until - i want them.

ah. progress. more time more energy for - me!
spinning

sometimes it's interesting to just sit back & watch yourself spin.

today i'm doing that.

what i meant by that is, we all have issues, & how they present themselves & what we do about them is a clear pattern. people interact with us based on a knowledge of these patterns. so once they are established, both we and other people follow a set path - maybe to the distruction of the relationship.

today i'm sitting back & watching myself spin around about mr. big not setting a time to meet up yet. i already know from dating him that his timeline for missing me is longer than mine. and that he's not going anywhere. he keeps his friends for years. and that he is checking out my myspace page again. and probably waiting for me to spin out of control & be my clingy self again.

but instead, fortunately, i've learned to spin in place. i suppose none of you played with tops, but i actually have spun a couple. when they spin in place it's a beautiful thing. it's when they start going out of control that it gets wacky & they fall down. me, i'd like NOT to spin. but since i do, it's best to try to make it - a beautiful thing!

i went yesterday to get massage done again on my neck, doing a current series of 10 visits. my therapist is just fantastic & creates a very warm and comforting place to heal, which i told him. which i need b/c yesterday i had a very odd experience on the table. he started working on this part of my neck which must be the apex of all my physical & emotional pain. and i got dizzy on the table. bizarre. then i started crying, which i have done before & just felt like i would start sobbing. after that i was immediately flooded with this sense of well-being which rarely shows up & just felt totally connected to reality & normal again.

well, i held off on the sobbing part, that's today. but i feel like some part of me has been opened up & here i am with all my emotional pain flooding out & it feels just wonderful. to be released finally.

i had so much fear, pressure and anxiety when i was performing the violin & it's still all held in my muscles. a toxic dump i guess for my past. nice to have that dissipating!!

so of course all the energy from yesterday is focused on mr. big & i'm all angsty about him. but at least i'm spinning in place.

so back to where i began. my ongoing struggle to let guys stay in my life. it's just very difficult. i'm such a runner i don't know how to just nurture what i have with a guy that i like. i've reached a place that we haven't been to before - where i am (trying to be) approving & accepting of him & enjoy him but here i am just being all, you don't like me. he does like me in his own way. that way is not mine. i can live with it, seek to encourage him to see me more, or leave.

but complaining or threatening is spinning out of control. not sexy. and he will leave.

since this was my very first time saying hey, i'd like to see you, i am not quite sure what to do if it doesn't work within my timeline. throw out my timeline? readjust it? just walk away?

right now i am dating new guys but they don't interest me or aren't interested in me. essentially he is my only date/friend.

the interesting thing is, i am not emotionally & physically well enough yet to spend a lot of time with people. if i actually look at whether i want to see anyone or not it is yes, but. there is also the interesting thing that i don't really consider whether i really want to see someone or not. i just think, well i'm dating them or they're my friend. they should want to see me!

i think this is true. i should only be friends with people that want to see me when i want to hang out. yet i routinely seek guys out that put an even larger distance between us than i would like so i can always try to close the gap. that is my preference. i have never been attracted to guys that are trying to get closer to me.

i wish i could fix this, but it is the way it is right now. it's not so far off from what doclove talks about, that women like to chase. so maybe it is just this want what i can't have thing.

either way, i remain conflicted about what i want vs. what i need. and in my head, i feel like i am not getting my needs met. so again my choices are to a) accept things & stay or b) leave quietly & give no advance notification. but playing games or hard to get isn't gonna work so that option is out.

i don't quite understand why i'm going through this whole internal conversation at my age. you'd think i would have figured this out. i just don't know why this remains an issue. but since i am still single and have remained that way because i did not want to settle for a guy that i wasn't crazy about, i am still facing it.

ok, enough heavy stuff. on to some more fun stuff in the next blogs.

October 23, 2008

#1 - Think the Best of People

the other day i was walking down the street in my pain & suffering & sadness (b/c i had been alone all weekend dammit) when i asked god, what can i do different? i'm just spinning my wheels & nothing is changing! i've made all these physical changes in my life & some things are SO much better. but i feel stuck in place!

so immediately he answered.

this thing popped into my head that was - think the best of people.

i almost groaned. it was so unbelievably appropriate.

because i ALWAYS think the worst.

this is a big problem and has been my whole life. i not only think the worst of people, i think the worst of what they are going to do, and did. so if a guy doesn't call back - he doesn't like me. or if he doesn't call back right away. or if he doesn't call first. or if he calls first too quickly. or if he calls too often. ok, you get it. there is no winning here.

i was immediately reminded what mr. ny told me one time when i was blowing up about work. he said (about my boss) "he must have had a good reason for what he did." i was like WHAT?

and then i realized - everyone's reasons are as good as my own! we all have good reasons for what we do. we may not LIKE what other people's reasons are but to them, they are good!

i think i've been so brainwashed by a dad that DIDN'T have good reasons (in my own opinion) for what he did, that i think everyone operates under some law of senselessness & meanness & selfishness.

time to break free.

(although i have to say - in defense of my dad - i'm realizing lately i'm not even sure i like kids or want them. clearly he didn't. but he had us anyway. that was the problem. he traded kids (a don't want) for marriage (a must have in his profession). we kids were the tradeoff. we were the deal he had to take. i don't think it was fair, but you can see - i'm actually finding that my father had reasons too! ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

ok, so #1 - THINK THE BEST OF PEOPLE

now that's lifechanging stuff.

so what happened after i accepted this mandate? mr. big called. now i had called him a week ago saying i wanted to get together, with no response. my former self would have been all annoyed - and stayed annoyed - that he was ignoring me. i would have said, he just doesn't care. but then i thought to self, he always comes back. he must be super busy. so i texted him about something else, that he really didn't need to respond to (my friends standing me up - i said NOW i see why he always makes back-up plans - yet another thing i had never thought there was a good reason for - until now - that part i didn't say of course) and - voila he immediately called.

the new happy-great to hear from you-me listened to him say he had been busy, out of town, meaning to call, and heard how happy he sounded when i reiterated that i wanted to see him! i can't even remember hearing him sound that pleased, ever.

now i look forward to seeing him again & when we meet up, it will be awesome.

all because i changed my outlook - and instead of worrying boo hoo hoo he doesn't like me - i thought the best of him.

i can't wait to see how else this works...
#2 - REVEL in His Presence

i grew up in a family where the common practice was to make dad feel like a failure. now, granted, in many ways he was. in taking care of children over the long-term, he certainly was. and still is. however, regardless of that, i unfortunately learned a highly critical attitude. compound that with fear - when he left.

so imagine how comforting christian carter's e-mail is, titled What Drives Men Away and What ATTRACTS Them. i think i've said before after learning that men respond to women, CC's theories suddenly make sense. here's why: he says in this e-mail, women are the emotional leaders in a relationship. and men depend on us for that.

ok. so where are we leading?

i'm gonna clip a couple paragraphs from that e-mail, they are awesome. here they are:

"1) As you might already know, men aren't often
the best in the world at giving emotional support
and at nurturing. He might not recognize what's
really going on with you, or he might not know
how to give you what you want, or it might even
be that he is afraid of how you are acting and
he doesn't feel comfortable getting any closer
to you.

2) Men expect that if a woman likes them, then
the woman should feel good when she's around him.
I know it might sound simple, or even stupid, but
if a woman is constantly stressed or worried or
unhappy when she's around a man, not only does
he feel like he can't make her happy, but he'll
want to spend LESS and LESS time around her.

Here are two ways to communicate with a man
that will make him not only FEEL GOOD, but make
him want to communicate with you and be around
you more:

1) Figure out how to make it so that men can see
and recognize what it is that you are looking for
with them, without frustrating or confusing them
even more.

2) Find out why it is that YOU are so chronically
unsatisfied. Men want to be around women who make
them FEEL GOOD. Telling him that he is constantly
doing things WRONG just creates more ANXIETY."

ok. so what's the point? not being afraid, and being happy when he's around!

now if you haven't grown up with this attitude, it will be completely foreign to you. my long-term boyfriend once told me i was never satisfied. i've never forgotten that. lately i've tried to be not only satisifed, but tell guys "YOU ARE GREAT at making me happy!" and try to make sure that is true.

if it's not true, what am i doing around them??? duh!

this sentence particularly stands out - "Men expect that if a woman likes them, then
the woman should feel good when she's around him." this is so logical and makes so much sense that it's almost painful to acknowledge when we don't do this. instead, if we like a guy, we don't revel in his company, we're busy wondering - when he walks out the door, how long is it gonna be until we see him again? or who is seeing him in the meantime?

this is my #2 thing that i need to fix. my #1 thing i'll make the topic of my next blog. but

#2 is - REVEL in his presence.

i mean just suck it up. how he feels, how he smells. how he sounds. what he says. how he touches me. enjoy enjoy enjoy. and then let him go. & enjoy the memory.

and that's it.

if he doesn't show up to more of that revelry, gees, let him go, & find someone who likes being enjoyed.
dates

i love dates. yeah, the ones where you meet people too!

tonite is my 2nd this week (unless he reschedules, had surgery on his leg ouch!). tomorrow my 3rd.

i guess tomorrow is looking better because - i'm actually checking & rechecking my e-mail to see if keith has written back yet. that's a good sign actually...

tonite i'm not so sure about. i couldn't seem to get dressed this morning, just kept changing clothes. usually when that happens it's a sign that i'm anxious & things aren't going to go well. the most obvious connection between my clothes changes & the fact things aren't going to go well was when my cheater x dumped me over e-mail the day i was going to meet his parents. while he had another girl in his bed. i remember the night before i was just agonizing what to wear, couldn't seem to figure out what to take for the weekend...

lesson to self - pay attention to anxiety. it's not always a weakness. sometimes, it's intuition.

October 22, 2008

girls lie

ok, we do. we don't think we're lying but we do.

like when we say i don't do ______ on first dates - it means - i won't be _________ YOU. ooops. little lie there.

it's our version of "i'm not ready for a relationship." yeah, you've heard that before. with whom?

and we really think we have these standards.

until we don't.

i had told mike i wasn't gonna be kissing him goodnight cuz i don't kiss guys on first dates. yeah. and so i didn't kiss him at the end. what does that mean? i'm so virtuous. hee hee. not.

it means i didn't want to kiss him. ooooooops. good that he cut his losses.

now i have this serious profile up where i scare all the bad boys away that are in relationships. again, i'm so virtuous. but some hot guy shows up & asks me what are you going to be halloween night?

and of course i say

- loved by you.

& now we're being sexy-texty.

yup. so much for um, you're super hot, are you really single?

oh well, he's in NY so i won't meet him. but it all goes to show -

we lie just like guys.

ooops.
bastard

that is skertzo's 4th middle name. he keeps getting more of them. first he was just "squeaky" (cuz that's all he could do) then it was "skerzo" squeaky, then it was skertzo squeaky "schitzo", then lately it's been skertzo squeaky schitzo "velcro." now it's skertzo squeaky schitzo velcro "bastard."

i mean how long is it gonna take to call him to kibbles & bits dinner? i'm gonna have to abbreviate. "come here SSSVB."

today he was being a little whiney bastard about going outside. and me opening windows so he could look out wasn't good enough. he wanted to BE out. so i actually took him outside this MORNING before work, like a dog owner. with his little 15' retractable extension leash. yes. i admit it. i own a wanna-be-dog cat. i feel like i'm in AA.

he was crazy cat, chasing leaves, running here & there, running up the trees, sniffing the water spout, biting at his leash, glaring at me b/c he wants to run free, trying to run through the fence, wrapping himself around & around a bush. gees. i kept him from playing litter-box in the dirt this time, that's his favorite thing to do when he first goes out. that and chase sticks round & round (me) like he's on a track. or rather on crack.

he gets so hyper & excited when he's outside that it's just adorable to watch. he points his little ears every whichway like a horse, his eyes are big & lively & he can't sit still for more than 3 seconds as he listens to all the sounds, sniffs the wind & looks around excitedly for the next fun thing to do.

so i hoped that the little trip outside would calm the little bastard down, but he was still crazy cat & trying to bite me when i took off his little harness.

next time i will not even try to take him out. if he bites me while i'm putting ON his harness he will just stay inside & go stir crazy.

i love my kitty! yes, i really do. most of the time he's a little love bucket (whatever the hell that is). that's probably his next name...
healthy wealthy & single

well, interesting things lately.

last night i was feeling so bad & so tired of it i wanted to die. not a surprising feeling i guess for FMS people. some of them apparently have committed suicide. I WON'T so don't worry. but the thought is there.

then i suddenly remembered it was going to rain all day today. ah. it was the weather.

today i'm feeling better.

thanks for the support readers! that was awesome! :)

--------------------------

ok, so good thing i didn't waste time describing my date monday night. he just wrote me & said he had fun & the chemistry was there - but it was a 60 mile trip for him. yeah. and he what, DIDN'T know this before he left? right.

oh well. i wasn't all that about it anyway. he wasn't my type, although he was totally normal & i had fun.

on to my next dates - tomorrow night (John) and Friday night (Keith). i'm gonna have to get a secretary just to set up my dates.

keith actually sound promising. in an unusual manner, i've been e-mailing back & forth with him, something i don't usually do until i meet someone. but he's fun & whatever.

i'm so lol at mike blowing me off for the distance i'll just have to tell him about mr. ny just for fun. yeah, i guess it just wasn't there for ya. that's ok. i have guys that come out from NY to see me, so yeah. i get it. not.

oh well, the fact that i'm amused not crushed tells me i wasn't all that into it either. so not even my ego is bruised. oh hell yeah, i guess it is.

distance, dammit. ha.

October 21, 2008

life's a bitch

who would have thought that i would be so young & vibrant & have so much pain. it's the oddest combination. people are shocked at how i don't look my age. but today i was struggling to make it up the stairs from the train.

it's really not fair. this isn't what i imagined at all. i imagined having kids, a husband, (he never comes first, odd) a house, an SUV, a dog. but never being in pain like this. sometimes i cry b/c i can't take it anymore. less so lately, but still.

last night at my date, which was fun, i was squirming in my chair b/c my back hurt so badly. finally i had to say let's go. i was also yawning, but then, it was 10:30 so that's not a problem. but the pain.

how can i look so normal & be so f*d up?

the only good thing is, it isn't life-threatening. i mean, my half-niece has MS and she's not even 30.

but still. it's my pain. i feel it. i'm crying this morning. i don't understand. but then it doesn't really matter, does it.

that's just life. & it's a bitch.

October 19, 2008

status

i'm supposed to meet 2 new guys this week.

one for monday night football at my favorite bar, we'll call him mike cuz that's his name.

the other one for ?? on thursday night. we'll call him john, cuz that's also his name.

we'll see how things go. it will be nice to obsess over some new guys for a change.

these guys managed to make the cut through my stringent online-dating screening. i now have posted that i will ask guys for proof of their relationship status (mwahahaha)and said don't even e-mail me if you are not commitmentwise & legally single as of the date of the e-mail.

in a funny story, one guy saw my post & totally got it. he wrote that he had gone out with this woman who was iffy about her status, etc. when he pushed her more, he figured out - her husband was his co-worker! she freaked out, making him promise not to tell. she was trying to decide whether to leave him or not.

yes, my status screening seems an uber cool idea. we'll see how well it works...
back-up plans

well, i see why mr. big always makes back-up plans. people are so flaky.

last night i was supposed to hang out with 2 girls. one was definite, one was maybe. i heard from neither, until the definite one at 11:16 p.m. sent me a text. yeah, i figured it was off by then.

don't get me wrong, i didn't really want to go out anyway. what use is going dancing in the cold when there's not someone else's warm bed to go to? james bond is more sexy instead.

but i mean really. i'll never commit to meeting them again. it will always be, yeah, check in with me & let me know what's going on. that's it.

they are now exclusively my back-up girls. hee hee, i have a chorus line...

October 17, 2008

kittytalk

i'm learning my kitty's language. slowly but surely.

mruh! - mruh!

this is the sound he makes when i wake him up in the morning to pet him.

i do this twice daily b/c he is alone all day & he has just spent the night alone on the porch. this way he gets his kitty loving all at once, so it will last him all day.

last night i tried letting him stay around me while i was sleepily listening to the redsox game & he kept waking me up by jumping up on me or walking across me. hence, the porch.

mrow. mroow. mrooow. (in front of the cupboard)

where is that canned food you used to buy me? or those treats? how are you eating fun food & i'm not?

mrrr-rrr! (upward inflection at the end)

ooh, i have an idea! i'm gonna go do something fun right now!

mroooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww (in front of the door)

why can't i go OUTSIDE?

mroow mrowwww mroooowwww mrooowww (following me around)

hey, stop what you're doing right now and LOVE ME! (it took me a while to figure this one out, but i think that's what this is...)

YYYYOOOOOOWWWWWW!

you stepped on my tail dammit! now LOVE ME you big loser!

mr- (followed by me saying the OW part

i'm about to BITE you. cuz i CAN!

that's as far as i've gotten. pretty good eh? i think it's not bad for kitty-translation!

October 16, 2008

in out, in out...just like sex...

or not.

ok, this isn't a blog about sex. or actually it is, but i'm not gonna talk about that!

this is about how many times guys (2 right now) go in and out of my phone. one day i put them back. the next day i delete all their info. then they call & i put them back again.

and then i delete all their info.

right now i've deleted mr. big. i called when, monday & wanted to meet up this week? it's thursday.

he has until what tomorrow night to not schedule with me or i'll - just not answer his call when he calls again.

darn capricorns. both of them. grrr. time for new boyz to delete from my phone.

hee hee.
life goes on...

last night i did my first meetup (as in meetup.com) with the pool group. i am super shy, even though i don't look it, but sucked up my fear & went anyway. it was near the fenway & on the way over i stopped by the new bar that overlooks the field. way cool.

anyway.

had a great time! the peeps were awesome. we had an evenly matched team & kept switching partners amongst ourselves so no ones lost all the time. i got some new tips...hopefully will get better eventually. i'm the kind of player that at the beginning i'm good then my game slacks off. not sure what that is all about. but nobody really cared it was just fun.

on the way home i walked back to the t with a cardiologist & had a fun talk with him about real stuff (the economy yea!). it is a smart, nice group of folks.

i will go again!

this is super amazing for me. all of a sudden i realize - there are plenty of fish in the sea! and here i've been stuck in my little world hoping my guys would come around & love me like i want to be loved, while there are guys out there that i can just give the eye to & they're like hmmm. who are you? and they want me! then there are guys saying, hey, i didn't catch your name, how can i find you? i hope to see you again soon!

my boyz are just a puddle in the big sea of men!

it feels like i'm coming out of the dark. for so many years i've been insulated, or i've insulated myself. a lot through fear. but finally with new activities like this - than men will come out to, as opposed to dancing where guys don't really show up - i can have fun with no pressure.

i don't know if i'll go much, but at least it was an eye opener.

in other news, i resheduled my date for 2nite as i'm getting sick. he was very understanding and offered to plan the next one. yes. i was getting tired of trying to plan tonite. why do i let guys sucker me into planning? you want to meet, give me options, i'll pick. that's the way it should be done.

there are 3 or 4 other guys now that i want to meet. now that i've set up more stringent requirements on the dating site, it seems that i am getting better men.

or is it just that i'm now ready to meet them?

October 14, 2008

10 things going on with me

1) why do divorced guys think it's ok to talk about their exes? dude, i don't want to hear it. i told some guy this tonite. nicely. he can just tell me he has kid duty, i don't need or want to hear about the ex, just like he doesn't want to hear about ex-boyfriends. you deal or i don't date. (did not say this part.)

2) married men having affairs suck. i mean really.

3) i've been having night mares lately. i'm wanting to have sex with a guy & my family is in the room. and then i'm holding hands with wait, it's my co-worker. no, it's mr. ny who looks like my stalker ex. who is it?

4) i haven't been in a LTR for years. why?

5) i'm in so much pain. feeling so bad. FMS really sucks. i mean really. this is probably why.

6) my company is being sold. scary. but in good timing...

7) ...my landlord just offered to switch me to month-to-month lease. nice. he said he's not kicking me out, he just does this for people to make it easier. my co-house-mate confirmed.

8) i had to take back my first leather coat. :( waaaaah. it turned my fingers black. wtf?

9) mr. big has me on a schedule. he only wants to see me every x often. i have to ask how often x is. hmmm.

10) i have a date thursday night! my hip-hop teacher got fired (super-waaaah) but at least i have a date. may be i should make them every t-night.

....[nah nah nah nah nah...]life goes on...

October 13, 2008

upping the ante

so i'm requiring my new online dates to be prepared to provide proof of signed divorce papers before i'll meet them.

:)

ok, i'm not actually looking for a fax, but i'm now asking that question. you do have signed divorce papers right? and what date were they signed?

next guy that shows up (and admits he's still married) will require all the others after him to show up with papers in hand.

hee hee.

welcome to my world, mwahahaha.
hmmm

mr. big called me last night. it was nice to chat with him again. since i do all the talking pretty much, it is fun to just chatter on about nothing.

this morning i decided last night whet my appetite for him. so i decided to try the direct approach, considering that he's capricorn. & we seem to keep missing each other on our cues.

i just left him a vm saying "hey i'd like to see you again, let's make some plans to meet up this week, ok? give me a call." that's about as direct and sweet as you can get. doesn't seem like he's gonna get around to putting me into his plans unless i ask for it.

sometimes i feel like we're going around in circles. dancing around what we want but not quite saying it. for example i send him a sexy text. he doesn't respond for days & then says, what was that about, in person. i'm like what text? i don't even remember, in any case the moment has passed.

i'm not sure if he's not getting the message b/c he doesn't want to or he just wants me to be really obvious. so - i'm being really obvious. i want to see you. let's meet.

we'll see how that goes!

October 12, 2008

penpals for the '00s

i met up with princessb yesterday & she was every bit as lovely in person as she is online! we had a blast trying out the local flavors of food, shopping & men in boston!

i was considering how odd it is to meet people in real life that you've met online, but then realized it's just the new version of pen pals. no more air mail letters & waiting for 6 weeks for answers back...

so we met this guy at the bar that noble-y offered his stool to us, and talked to him for some time. he was asking how long we had known each other & we looked at each other & started laughing. uh, like 2 hours i think?

princessb also proved my theory that people ARE the same offline as they are online. over the years in internet dating i have established this theory that if anything is wierd or "off" online, it will show up in the person you meet. princessb was not only exactly what she was online - she is even more interesting and fun in person. validating my little theory once again.

cheers to new blog-girlz friends! :) who else wants to come visit boston?!!

October 10, 2008

insecurity

i'm beginning to see a trend in interactions with a guy i'm seeing. i think he is very insecure. it's not something that i would have ever imagined b/c he seems very self-confident. but something in his demeanor leads me toward insecurity as an underlying cause.

insecurity in men is interesting. again, it's not a trait that you really think about with guys. it's more a girl thing. when it shows up in guys it's pretty hard to identify because they add this macho layer, like i don't care if you like me or not! whatever. good luck, see ya later.

and then when you read between the lines you notice that a lot of the behavior seems to be asking for confirmation. do you really like me? do you really want me?

it's hard to separate insecurity from lack of interest as well. in this case the only way to tell is the desire for ongoing interaction and communication even if it is not positively slanted.

what are you really saying when you keep telling someone goodbye? i want you to care about me more. i have done this myself. as i've said earlier in the blog, and have as one of my rules, if you're not interested you just withdraw. you don't stand out in the middle of the boxing ring & say hey i'm not gonna fight you anymore while you're jumping around with your dukes in the air. that is really an invitation to reengage.

it's fascinating that i used a boxing term for a relationship analogy, but in this case, that's what it feels like. we're on round 8 right now and it's a draw. for some reason one of us (generally me) keeps going back for more. but when i do my partner is still in the ring waiting for the game to recommence.

i don't know how it will turn out but i have learned that i wish i could be a bit more comforting and safe for men. i am not a safe place to go. i don't have that chip. it's on order right now.

one of the things men at the conference said they turn to women for is comfort, safetey, and someone to have their back. given that i'm using boxing analogies, i'm more interested in beating up a guy's front.

(hmmm. blogsploration is interesting. you never know what you'll spelunk up out of the depths of your head or heart...)

October 09, 2008

zip-it

i've decided to reinitiate my former mandate to not talk about my guys with other people. the recent talk with mr. ny is good incentive to do that.

the more you talk about your business, he said/i said, the more you turn everyone against whoever you are seeing - no matter how good they are overall. so then when you mention them again people's eyes glaze over & they're like haven't you left him YET?

(remember my raving about mr. big lately? well he's survived through his share of me complaining about him too. which just goes to show...what it does. that's what.)

my zip-it mandate is compounded by the fact that my boss - yes my boss at work - actually told me that when i come to him with a problem (and a potential solution) he now makes me wait a day to discuss it because by then i've already changed my mind. yes. my boss. ouch. this is of course what mr. ny has been talking about, and mr. busy too (formerly mr. possibility) when they say i change my mind all the time.

so you have mind-changing-me compounded by talking about it and generally, it creates a situation of TMI.

less is more when it comes to talking about my boyz. except for here. here i can talk away blah blah blah and you can read or not read. not my problem.

everyone has their weaknesses. i can either deal with them - or leave. if i choose to stay, i suppose i should just stop complaining. after all, i am seeking these guys out they are not chasing me.

i've stopped responding to guys who chase me. yes. i deleted mr. jack is back off facebook. mr. military keeps sending me facebook invitations & i'm ignoring them. i don't want these guys around b/c they are unreliable. and i've found a strong correlation between guys who pursue and unreliability.

what is that all about?

hmmmm.

the topic of another blog, that's what that is.
married because?

in a singleton's world there is generally a desire to get married - at least for most of us - but also to escape being married for the wrong reasons.

this morning i read on this online message board: "I am currently going through a divorce to a guy who I married to try and escape my feelings for another guy."

wow. now i've heard of this happening i guess. i mean one of my friends' wives married him although she was in love with another guy. but just to escape your feelings? that's a long hard road to hoe.

i guess that's why i go after the guys now that i have feelings for & see what's going on. nothing like a fantasy to ruin your life. i mean if mr. ny & i fight & now i know he's not right for me, i don't have to have wasted more time on it.

what if - you marry one guy to get over another - and then later date the guy you really like and find out you DON'T GET ALONG! what a waste. (this is what this online girl seems to be going through - all this pining for the guy for years and marrying someone else to escape the feelings - yes she says this twice, but does he even like me? that's some kinda ouch!)

not that i'm advocating affairs. that's just plain wrong. i mean just get over those feelings, get real. no one is easy to live with. imagine the guy at his worst. get to know his wife & hear her talk about his flaws. just get over the fantasy already.

shocking to know that people will ruin someone else's life over their own fantasies. i guess it happens in many ways though. you have a fantasy that life will be better without your partner so you leave them. then - it isn't! it's LIFE. and life sucks. so then you start fantasizing about wanting them back. and go after them again.

it's amazing really that we will uproot the reality of a good thing for the mirage of another.

i mean this morning i woke up thanking god that when i have a fight with the guys in my life - i wake up alone! i don't have to deal with them & their shit (cuz this time it sure wasn't mine) the next morning. that's one clear advantage to being single and i am so thankful for that.

i saw my mom lose 10 years off her face within the first few weeks after my dad left us. now that is some stress to leave behind.

yes, being single is great in many ways. there are many women out there who envy me and cool peeps like princessb who is happy with her ru and two date diva who can date smart & chuck the ones she doesn't want within two dates!

we singletons are the secret envy of the married. they just never want us to know that.
pissed

mr. ny made me cry last night. not in a good way. it was very painful what he said. not so much the words but their implication.

i had sent him a text asking him to come visit and he said he didn't feel the same b/c i doubted him. i said i should if you talk shit. you want to date a stupid girl, go ahead. that's not me.

he said well you have all your online guys. i said why does that bother you so much? they're not you. he texted back that it didn't bother him & for some reason that really hurt. of course it bothers him he keeps bringing it up. i immediately started crying - which he didn't know - and texted back that i can't believe he enjoyed hurting me.

he responded by saying i wanna see you. and then i am just pissed.

it's really messed up. the whole day you can't say you want to see me until you make me cry. then all of a sudden you do?

time to let this fish go bite someone else. i just can't believe i've kept going back for more. i haven't responded and i'll just let it go and put on some whole body armor.

mr. big got really pissed at me a few weeks ago. and we were together for hours. he only told me later. but the whole time he was totally sweet and kind to me, even when we were arguing. and afterward. the whole time. in spite of being angry. he still is. he just is a nice guy. not a pushover, but just a good guy.

mr. big is my new model for angry men. if you can't treat a women well ESPECIALLY when you're angry, what kind of man are you?

October 08, 2008

WTF?

in an unusually sweet style i put a short note out to mr. jack is back along the lines, of um, what happened [that you couldn't come an hour to see me after i come 3,000 miles to your fricken state]?

i'm awaiting a response i fear is either coming or isn't. supposedly we are supposed to think men have a reason for what they do, so i'm listening.

what i am most likely to hear is either nothing or yeah, sorry, you are just too hot to handle. i couldn't handle seeing you again after all these years, what would i have done? i have no burn insurance. yeah, something along that line would be right in line with what my ego needs now after being dissed.

regardless of what he says, he is not my friend. real friends don't diss you. over and over again. i'm contemplating deleting my new NMFs (not my friends) off of facebook but then ugh. that is so in your face. hee hee.
WBTYM

that stands for wham-bam-thank-ya-maam.

it's what hit my friend relationship-wise. poor girl. i was envying her wondering how she could hook up & have a great guy, wow, why can't i do that. then it hit the fan. get this, she wouldn't move FAST enough. as in let him move in after 4 months. yeah, that's f'd up.

which reminded me why i don't do these blink-&-we're-in-a-relationship things. i prefer to stretch them out forever so that by the time we're somewhere near one, the person is so ingrained in my life they can't find the exit. call it lost-mosis.

seriously, my style works though. mr. big is sweet & respectful to me, something i struggled with with mr. ny who just got it all easy. of course, they're just like that anyway, discounting my point. but there is something about a guy working for ya that just makes him think you're super special. after all, he spent so much time & effort.

i believe in effort. now i'm working mr. ny to make up for the beginning part. just so he doesn't think i'm easy. lol. :) welcome to my world. what you earn is what you get, and that starts with trust.

it just takes so much effort to extract from the mire of failed relationship, that i probably put up too many barriers against getting into one. currently (and i am fully aware of this) i am thinking to self that if i get into a r-ship with someone else, what happens when i want to hook up with mr. big? yeah, it's commitmentphobic thoughts like those that keep me from grabbing the most available guy & nailing him to the floor. my floor. maybe i'm just not meant to be in a relationship. where are these guys that i'd LIKE to have nailed to my floor (figuratively speaking, for those environmentalists out there) for a long period of time? where are the men you really want to come home to?

sometimes, when i feel sad coming home to my cat (love you skertzo) i wonder if other people look forward to seeing their spouses. or is it - let me work late, i don't want to go home. or let me go home to watch tv and maybe avoid interaction. who knows. people don't talk about these things. the pressure to succeed is so high women fake it. even if they're not happy they'll pretend they are just to keep up the image. not that there's anything wrong with that. it's easier to present a united front to the world so it looks like everything is fine all the time than have everyone reading the daily news of your relationship.

ok, it's 12:15 and my bed doesn't know where i am. i must go report in. since i don't have a partner to come seek me out, i bought a curfew bed. kid you not. it uses heat-seeking sensors to find me & then drags me back to the bedroom so it doesn't have to sleep alone. of course, it works best if you have a twin. which i don't. because of course, i'm single & all.

October 07, 2008

i see guilty people

well, i have lost readers since i started writing about everything. or maybe it's b/c i went on vacation. or lost my bitter attitude & terse writing style. who knows.

i just reached the exhaustion state today where i can't think anymore. so i'm taking the rest of the day for r&r at my desk. it's like the take-out version of r&r that you can enjoy anywhere. i can answer client requests but i really cannot wrap my mind around tough concepts right now. so i'm blogging.

today i bought self my first black leather coat/jacket. yes, the first. i've never bought one before. this one is long, to about mid-thigh & buttons up. fitted around the waist. sleeves are long enough. room to move shoulders. might just have to take picture of monumental event.

felt guilty that i can just slap down the $$ for mom's b-day gift & leather coat for self in one day. but then i'm trying to remind myself - i don't have kids. i have to spend my $ for something. this is what i chose the business world for. so i could do this without feeling guilt. and here it is anyway. hello guilt, i see you. yeah, i'm waving at myself. oh well. i'm not catholic so i won't die from guilt.

so the second of the 4 peeps that i wanted to meet up with this weekend contacted me. actually, i've spoken to three of them since. they are still around. they are still my friends. the whole point is - people eventually come around if they like you. they just can't help themselves! :) [beams proudly] i've stopped trying to plan things though. peeps in new england just don't show up. i planned a trip to martha's vineyard one weekend & 20 people wanted to go. day of, only 1 was left besides me. so we didn't go.

the thought of being single for the rest of my life & being sad b/c i'm alone is just so hard to handle. i remain somewhat flippant about it but it terrifies me. the only thing i can do is try to be a good friend to people & hope it all comes back in the end. if not, at least i was a good friend.

no guilt there.
why men cheat

check this out.

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/couples/20080827_tows_cheating/2

what's interesting about this is not that men suck.

it is - that we have raised a generation of unappreciative women...

this is exactly the reason we heard from a guy on the panel of men at the understanding men conference. somehow we just can't seem to appreciate men. in this generation we've been raised to be the man, what do we need them for?

that's exactly what i'm trying to figure out. but where i've gotten so far is that - i can do most things for myself that i need to do. but men make me happy in a way that i can't do for myself. that in itself is enough reason to appreciate them.

last night & today i reached out to my current guys & just sent them some love. i really haven't done this before. i don't really care what happens. i just wanted them to know i think they are cool. & why.

just call it appreciation!

October 06, 2008

the age of loneliness

i think we're just at that point. we're so insulated in our worlds and separated from the people in them that we all are seeking some sort of connection.

and while technology fosters that, it can also excerbate it. strange.

i've learned lately that in order to feel connected with my boyz, i can text them innocuous things & they respond. i feel connected, we don't have drama (cuz i'm not creating a real reason to interact like i used to) & everyone feels loved.

problem is - it doesn't replace face to face. although it feels like. so we short ourselves the face time for technology & there we are. somehow lonelier than before.

i don't know if i believe this. i mean, i can't even spell lonely and all its aliterations. or that word either. but it's a theory.

however it happens though, it is. so i've learned to live with it. i have start my own "open flirt" text messages with my favorite guys. something they can respond to that is cute & sexy & that gives me something to look forward to with response.

their responses are interesting. one of my boyz (mr. ny, yes, i still want him around) responds right away. in fact, he sometimes calls in return. mr. big takes a day or a few & but generally comes through with a one-upper. as in a face-to-face invitation. nice. i guess this is my '00 way of asking guys out. well, that & going online.

i made a new profile online. this time i blocked everyone and his brother. mostly the brothers. the married hook-up brothers. maybe i will actually meet a date that is - shock & awe - not married.

this is a very random bacardi & mango freeze inspired post. but hey. it is one!

back to the sox...more to come on love & such. cuz that's what i do.
where i sleep part 1

there's this guy on kiss 108 calling in wondering if it's wrong to like sleeping on the couch - to have his own bed.

the announcer says - because you sleep better somewhere else doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your marraige.

i'll write part b on this later - but princessb - to your comments - it's a good discussion!
can't help who ya love

i just really like mr. big. i can't even explain it. the same as the last time i dated him. being with him just fills this part of me that i don't know about, and can't identify. but after being with him, i feel whole.

i don't mean this in a cliche way. something about him fills this emotional need that i have & i really feel warm & fuzzy all over after being with him.

last night he asked me over to watch the game. that's all we did & i had a blast. right until i had to get home to sleep & realized i didn't have AM 680 at my house! so i scrambled around & found it online & heard the last of it while i was running my bathwater, mmmmm. nothing like a good baseball game in the bathtub with your rubber duckies. lol.

and yes, i have rubber duckies. i found them at the dollar store. they're made in china so they don't float right. their little beaks are heavier than the rest of their body so they fall forward. i wonder if american rubber duckies do this?

the last little yellow duckie i had was a soap duckie. he finally bit the water a couple months ago so i invested in a little family of rubber duckies.

ok, i digress. mr. big.

it's so strange that now that we're not dating, he's asking me to do all the things i wanted to do when we were. meet some of his friends. just hang.

i dunno, i suppose it means nothing, since he said not to get attached. but i so like him.

since i'm not supposed to get attached, i signed up again with a new profile for online dating. my first interactions prove to be funny. i'll share in another blog...

i also want to respond to princess b's comments about relationships. i'll get to that shortly. i guess i should really work now. if i don't, my company might go under, lol. or get bought out. or cut into pieces like wachovia.

or not. laughing, i mean.