terror

i experience a kind of terror at the thought of losing a guy in my life. needless to say, this is not sexy, so i try to not share it anymore.

i also have tried to stop the hard end to relationships, rather leaving a door for them to go through still. like, i'm sorry i tried, i found no solution. but you tried for a bit, thank you.

rather than we're done, never call me again.

especially if they haven't done anything to warrant a hard stop, it's pretty wierd to be like that.

well, one does improve.

big hugz to c for the additional comment. yes. i have guys that want to see me, coming from jersey to meet up. will be nice.

on the other hand, i need to not forget that losing my self-confidence is a losing proposition for a relationship & i need to keep that up no matter what. so when mr. big calls again (which he will) i know what to say.

i think i've already planned it out. if for any godknowswhat reason he wants to meet it will be in 3. we will meet up, we will talk the next day & we will meet up again a few days later. if he won't commit to all three, times & dates, i won't even see him once. this would keep my angst in check i think & also set some boundaries for no, you will not disappear on me.

ok, well, that scenario will never happen, but at least i disengaged.

ah, emotional freedom. whew.

i did let it go...

thanks to c for the comment. oddly enough about an hour before i read c's comments, i had just e-mailed mr. big that i couldn't and shouldn't put up with being ignored. that i was super upset about it & that sorry, i had tried. but there was no solution for us getting along.

this makes it all feel better somehow, to know it's not me that's the problem. yeah, i might have issues from my past, but nothing that makes it ok to not treat me well. i mean who comes over & sleeps with you & then ignores all attempts you make to communicate with them in the days afterward? but then - doesn't want to leave, just wants to be in your life somehow, to what - do that all over again?

man, that's just messed up.

yes, i will find someone who fills the emotional void for me. i mean not in me, only i can do that. but for me.

i kept thinking if i'm around him i'll have access to that emotional warmth that he has. & then it was like getting thrown out of a jacuzzi into the middle of the arctic. still in my sexy bikini.

yeah. no.

i will be upset for a while still but at least i presented how i felt calmly and conclusively. sorry buddy, fresh out of solutions since you're such an a*hole.

but sigh, one that i like.