March 04, 2009

not debited

i keep checking my bank balance to see if the jerk deposited the check i sent him back. nothing yet. i wish he would.

i texted him today (a no no but WTF, it' MY life) saying it was all a facade, eh? him "liking" me. you don't stop caring for someone in 4 hours and disappear. that i had trusted him [he had made a BIG deal about me trusting him. now i know why, lol] as a man of honor? where had that man gone?

honor is apparently easy-come-easy-go with some men. they think everyone in their life deserves honor except their women. shocking.

what did i do to him to make him dishonor me? threaten to reject him sometime maybe in the future? he gave me no guarantees & no affection at that point. nah, i did nothing to deserve the dishonor.

his disrespect of women is in his head. it's just so hard to deflect that. i need teflon.

isn't that toxic though? [imagines being sprayed with it, how sexy it would look if it were bronze. but then what, die from the chemicals? better that than grief? hmmmm.]

dammit, jerk, cash that check already. just give some indication you have exited the building. why do I have to be the one to realize you left?

where is the early warning system before a guy ejects? i mean, did i miss all the lights & sirens?
can you hear me now?

there is this network single people have. our sort of extended family. where we go to be healed & lick our wounds & get validation & have fun & well, play.

it's why you don't burn your bridges. though i told all my guys i was seeing the jerk & couldn't see them "that way" anymore, they were happy to welcome me back with open arms (& legs) when things changed. this isn't just a guy thing. it's a survival thing.

girlfriends come & go. we get start dating, get attached, ignore our gfriends & then need them again when we get dumped yet again. i don't do this, but some girls do. i just helped a friend move tonite who hasn't called me in months. she is very with child & we don't hang anymore. nevertheless, she is my buddy & when in need, i'm there.

my married friends don't understand this. one who wants to divorce her husband after 40 years & has asked him to move out for a while (hoping he'll change) got frightened at night. i asked her why she didn't call me. she said what can you do, you don't live nearby. not at all the point. i told her i was putting her on my girlfriend call list & would check in with her to see how she is. so i have.

you don't really do this with married people. because - they sure don't do it with you. their families & husbands & wives go first (as they should) & single people go last. but since us singletons don't have that commitment - we commit to each other.

loosely.

my friends marvel, and sometimes not in a good way, at my "network" of guys. well, now it's sure coming in handy. after you reach a point with some guys that you stop being all infatuated, they can really become useful friends, with or without benefits. i just texted mr. NY yesterday saying that i hoped when he moved to town he wouldn't get a gf too fast, wink. he said he always got something but he preferred to think of them as friends.

in lieu of better options, that works for me.

March 03, 2009

happy happy, sudz, sudz

the laundromat is such a happy place. (at least when i go ;)

for a single person, the laundromat provides one of the funnest glimpses into family life. sometimes its fun while you're there, sometimes its fun when you leave & breathe a sigh of relief, that yes, you are going home ALONE thank goodness to peace & quiet.

tonite there was a joint family of kids running up to punch my dryer buttons (2 cute) & playing in the laundry baskets. in fact, one pre-teenage girl was pushing her 3 siblings around in 3 different baskets hooked up like a train. she pushed them around the washing machines twice, & then hopped in for her "brother" to do the same. i think he decided it was too much work so the train ended soon thereafter. they then went & sat in the laundry baskets.

one little guy kept looking to me for attention, so i smiled back. his last antic was to run to the trash can with a pair of underwear that he was stretching as far as it could go, yelling "they're brOken!"

as i said, the littlest girl wanted to push my dryer buttons, for which her parents remonstrated her. she later came up & started shyly playing with some shirts of mine, again seeking smiles. which of course i gave.

they were too cute. it really made me all warm & fuzzy & i came home with warm laundry & a fuzzy heart.

[she glows]

March 02, 2009

drowning in guilt

because it's my fantasy...

i am imaging the jerkometer, wracked with guilt. about hurting me. not being able to sleep at night. fearing my wrath. cowering in despair, can he ever be a good man to women again?

mwahahaha.

may guilt be the best revenge. oh wait, the second best.

the best revenge is always - for me to be beautiful.
not just s*x

that's not the redsox. yeah, it's offseason. but i know you were thinking that.

i finally asked mr. NY if what was between us was just s*x. i told him my friend told me that from the minute we met.

he said no.

i believe him.

which is nice. to believe a guy, i mean.

it doesn't mean we're dating, or that we will. but it means, at least, that we are friends.

thank goodness at least some guys get attached & have a hard time saying goodbye...
on the move again...

i'm packing for LA this weekend. i actually never unpacked from FL. thank goodness for this vacation. this is one to clear my head on.

so i'm just taking a lot of the same stuff i did before. i don't really care what i wear or what i look like. i tend to spend so much time matching each outfit but the people i'm with don't even seem to notice. so why bother.

i mean if i'm going to break up with anyone i ever date, ever, why bother to be attractive anymore? i enjoy it for myself, but there's no reason to consider anyone else's opinion about me anymore. it's just more pain & hassle.

i guess i should just keep my suitcase packed. much easier that way. except, i hate having it in my bedroom. i need to find a better place. that, and the laundry. just in the way. annoying. my bedroom should be my sanctuary, not my storage.

in other news, the crazy professor or his friend keep checking this blog to see if i have taken their number down yet. I TOOK IT DOWN DAMMIT. stop reading my blog. if they don't stop reading, i'm gonna have to make it password protected. i think i have already taken off google searchability, not sure. i don't need any more stalking from crazy people.

my ex lawyer, the one i'm going to see in la, was supposed to call him & tell him to get lost or else. meaning, i'd file a complaint & does he want a police record? doubtful. but would be fun at this point since i'm in the mood to be nasty to men since one was just nasty to me.

how many days & still nothing from the jerk. not one single anything. i am just astounded at this. he was a christian, in my church. if he never shows up again, i will certainly never trust guys in my church again either. i mean, not that i really did before, my dad being a pastor & all. some of the most selfish guys in the world - especially the ones i have met - think righteousness comes before love, which is apparently what the jerk thinks.

how he can hold hands with me & pray over breakfast & then disappear after supper, knowing that abandoning me is the worst thing that i could ever go through, is just evident of - what? that's the thing. i don't know what.

nobody knows what. nobody i talk to has any answers for this. except mr. la, who is not only kind, but insightful.

he said - well, i guess he'll call when he's ready. until then, don't waste your time on him.

ok. yes. i'm listening, says she who just wasted the last 2 minutes on him.

oh well.

i had a nice time with mr. busy last night. i kept it platonic, partly because i think i've lost my infatuation, partly because i know he would disappear for 6 weeks again anyway & why why make myself attached to him for even a new york minute. what is that anyway? did i make that up, or does that phrase really exist? i think it is real. hmmm.

anyway. so off i go to lick my wounds in LA. i think this will be the pamper me trip. i will be with two guys & i think it is time to take care of me trip. i think that i will sit back, let them do all the thinking & massaging & whatever else, & just enjoy. i really deserve it, having gone to all this effort, oh wait, not to waste any more time on jerkevents.

well, my blog isn't fun to read anymore. trust me, it is less fun to write. i have no thing left to do but keep trying to get over the jerk.

the last communication i left him, and i mean the very very last, was to say how much i liked and valued him, and etc. that will make him run even further, but nothing wrong with having the last word from MY SIDE be sweet. i seek to forgive, even as i grumble, and know that whatever is going on, it is better i am not there and don't know.

a little secret i learned from my cheater ex, btw. if a guy is not telling you what's going on YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. trust me. it's nothing you would like. it will just cause you pain.

i noticed how true my axiom was, #19 i think? i mean my blogirlz rules. if someone is going to leave they just do it, they don't advertise. this describes both my cheater ex & the jerkometer. it also describes mr. NY who kept telling me goodbye, but is still very around.

oh well. live and learn.

if i can. in my head my life stretches out before me, barren, childless & loveless. there is no "right" way to fix this. i feel like the jerk was the last option, ever. the best i thought ever, & the last. so i will have to consider how to fix my life the "wrong" way.

i don't want to be like jennifer aniston who i am now starting to disrespect. girl, if you want a baby, get one. you will then get a man who loves you and it, like angelina.

i'm torn though between this & guys like mr. NY who say they'll not date a woman with kids. so this would limit my options. more.

ha. from what?

from nothing to less than nothing?

or from guys i don't want to date, to guys i really don't want to date?

it sucks. sucks. sucks. when you don't settle.

March 01, 2009

thank goodness for exes!

there's nothing like exes to fall back on. since i tend to keep mine around, they have been invaluable lately. both for advice on my recent jerkevent, and for well, making me feel better in all the ways that exes do.

i'm meeting up 2nite with mr. busy...will be good 2 see someone who has, again, seen me at my worst. & keeps coming back. nice.

i luv exes.