just can't get away with it

i'm fascinated by my doc's read of me. yesterday he was telling me something & said "i don't remember if i told you this before..." & i said, "no, you didn't, it was probably some other chic." & he went like whoa.

& then he just was like wait a minute, i don't know when you're joking or serious if you say things like that, and i don't know how to respond to them. and he just wouldn't let it go. i was very fascinated. so i listened to him talk about it & didn't really know what to make of it. as he told me once, i just kind of walked around the issue & looked at it for a while. i'm still not sure what it was all about.

i finally said well, i'm not sure what i meant. i mean i might have meant that you might have said this to some girl in the hallway or i might have meant it for what it sounded like. i don't really know. i mean i said it & all, so you can take that for what it is. he seemed relieved at that answer, that i said i didn't know what i meant.

i have to clarify with him what his point was. i think it was that he wanted me to explain what i meant by it. but since he didn't directly ask, i wasn't sure what form my response was supposed to take.

this is the second time something like this has happened with him. and i like it. it is uncomfortable, like the hands of some new massage therapist on you, but it is cool. i told him gee, you don't let me get away with anything do you? i kinda like that. he said he did actually...

part of me is very uncomfortable with this level of disclosure. i am a hider. i don't reveal things. but i guess my discomfort with how fast things were moving & the potential for it to all be a hoax came out that way, in a snide comment about who else he might be seeing - aka confusing with me in his head...

in any case, we moved past the awkward part of that conversation & went on.

this happened once before, where he immediately reflected back to me how the intent of my communication with him was perceived. i find it refreshing and terrifying. i mean people don't usually tell you how your actions impact them in the moment it happens, and they definitely don't stop you & say, whoa, wait a minute. people tend to let sleeping dogs lie until they turn into vicious killing machines & that's the end of a relationship.

but actually i've started doing this myself lately. a long-time childhood friend said something rude about my mother and i immediately said, wow, that's not nice. so i'm starting to do that myself. but it is rare and uncomfortable.

i'm still not sure how i feel about this. he is a loving person and he cares about me so his questioning is not designed to do anything but define how i feel about him in return, it seems. but it is strange. i need to pursue this more to see what it's all about.

i do rather like a manly man though, one who can call me on my BS & say, hey! yo! what??

very like.

What are you doing here? man asks wife at brothel

...in a surprising twist, the couple is divorcing...

breathing it in

i have a guy very interested in me who calls every day and wants to hear about my life. he loves to make me laugh, tells me i'm awesome, and is spending hours researching what we're going to do while he is here.

for however long it lasts (my skeptic kicking in like an angry unborn child) i've hit the jackpot.

did i tell you that this guy is not only cute, and that is just super cool since i like cute guys with adorable smiles, he is also hispanic? which i have favored since i first visited central america when i was young. he also wasn't raised by his rather philandering father & upon my questioning (yes i know latin men) seems to embrace the monogamy idea - with more comfort than i have with it, it seems.

mr. busy is calling, trying to figure out why i haven't bought my plane ticket out to see him yet. i'm not sure about that. i've spent thousands of dollars on going to his area over the past few years & yet no offer to fly me out (as my doc has suggested he'd do). and i was advised by my mom's boyfriend not to see them both on the same trip. ok. i mean i would do that, but i do tend to listen to smart men...

so i haven't done anything about the feb trip & haven't returned mr. busy's calls yet. i will put him off until after my doc visits & then go from there.

i'm really not inclined to spend more money on a guy that doesn't want to hear about my day & how i am. i mean if you have your needs met with a cute available guy, why waste time with a cute not-available guy? i think mr. busy thinks he is going to be available in the near future & wants me to be around just in case.

but i don't have that kinda time. or interest. or money.

so i think i'll just see what happens...put your money where your interest is, that's what i say.

(oh wise me!)

unloved

i'm feeling completely unloved tonite. like if there is any love in the world, i have not even a piece of it.

my doc & i have been talking daily. probably too much. i've been pretty honest with where i'm coming from (aka, my past experience) & there is something that is bothering him about it. or something. not sure what. i don't expect him to call tonite even.

some conversations are best had in person & i think getting to know somebody is that way. without seeing someone's face you really miss the ability to connect their experiences to them. it's all in your head & i think it's just wierd.

he is a very loving person, i can tell from his interactions with me & other people. but i don't feel any of it right now. i just feel lost & lonely.

sigh.

he bought a ticket & will be here in a couple weeks. that should be interesting. i would have said fun until i realized how scared i am getting. of course it will be fun, but right now i don't feel any fun. i just feel f*d up & that nobody can love me this way.

not that it's my fault what's happened to me in life, i just wish i were further down the road toward recovery. and i'm not.

another sigh.

sometimes i'm not sure how much self-disclosure you should do when you're getting to know people. and when. and how. it's all a formula that is different for each person. at this point, i don't feel like pretending that my life is any different than it is. if guys like authentic women, as supposedly they do, i have been authentic. it's just not fun to admit that you are not as happy as you'd like to be & have a ways to grow yet. but then maybe better to admit you realize it than to just act it out, when invariably, it pops out when least expected...