unloved

i'm feeling completely unloved tonite. like if there is any love in the world, i have not even a piece of it.

my doc & i have been talking daily. probably too much. i've been pretty honest with where i'm coming from (aka, my past experience) & there is something that is bothering him about it. or something. not sure what. i don't expect him to call tonite even.

some conversations are best had in person & i think getting to know somebody is that way. without seeing someone's face you really miss the ability to connect their experiences to them. it's all in your head & i think it's just wierd.

he is a very loving person, i can tell from his interactions with me & other people. but i don't feel any of it right now. i just feel lost & lonely.

sigh.

he bought a ticket & will be here in a couple weeks. that should be interesting. i would have said fun until i realized how scared i am getting. of course it will be fun, but right now i don't feel any fun. i just feel f*d up & that nobody can love me this way.

not that it's my fault what's happened to me in life, i just wish i were further down the road toward recovery. and i'm not.

another sigh.

sometimes i'm not sure how much self-disclosure you should do when you're getting to know people. and when. and how. it's all a formula that is different for each person. at this point, i don't feel like pretending that my life is any different than it is. if guys like authentic women, as supposedly they do, i have been authentic. it's just not fun to admit that you are not as happy as you'd like to be & have a ways to grow yet. but then maybe better to admit you realize it than to just act it out, when invariably, it pops out when least expected...