and then there were 10...formerly known as, 10 little roses

you non-agatha-christie fans won't get the title, but that's ok. we love you anyway. ;)

matching up non-romantic spend-thrifts (wait, does that mean cheapskate or big-spender?) with little, pretty, fragile, disposable things that die is a recipe for disaster. this is probably why men use flowers only for a purpose. to get something.

i bought myself some gorgeous roses a few days ago from the street vendor & put them in my vase at work. at $12/dozen, and flawless, they were my between-v-day-and-b-day treat.

first, i gave a flower to my best friend at work. then there were 11.

the first guy that stopped by said where did you get those? i was in a really bitchy mood (and he's a good friend) so i said, do you mean do i have a guy around that is giving me flowers? no. i don't. (i knew he didn't mean where can i buy some...) i then proceeded to ask him why guys always have to ask where the flowers come from, as if a girl can't just buy them for herself because she likes them.

(just between you and me, i've bought myself roses for years, on v-day too. i see no reason men should have a monopoly on them when i can enjoy them just as much on-demand!)

fast-forward.

on the train, another guy was sitting next to me & drunk. cute, but very drunk. as in i could smell it. his eyes were really red too, so i couldn't tell if he was on something, drunk, or crying. anyhow, he was determined that i got the flowers from a guy for a reason, and nothing could deter him from that impression. he complimented me as though i made them. what do you say? yes, they are beautiful flowers. thank you just seemed to be taking too much credit...

is it your birthday he asked? no. i got them between valentines day & my birthday i reply. is it your anniversery he asked? no. finally he slurred out, so somebody just fancies you? after two tries i got it. and gave up. yes, i said.

periodically he looked over at me throughout the ride home, and i got the distinct impression that my value in his eyes had gone up because some other guy fancied me. (oh, maybe THIS is the purpose of flowers! territorial marking...)

when i went to get off i woke him up & said, would you like a flower? pick one. to my surprise, he conceded, yes, i'll take one for the road. he didn't thank me, but put the flower in his teeth, which i took as a rather sexy but not wussy way to hold a flower if you're a guy, & thought was adorable. it looks good on you, i said.

i wonder if he can carry that rose around & still be a man. i had a vision of him tossing it into the trainway. but then - he might have kept it too, & felt loved like i did.

yes, boyz, i love myself.

and then there were 10.

I N V U not

yesterday a co-worker sent around an e-mail with a pic of her engagement ring. she has beautiful taste in rings, and i was happy for her. she's been with the guy 4 years.

what is odd is my lack of envy for her, especially since i strongly feel the lack of being married.

i think my perspective about marraige is finally changing, and becoming more pragmatic. this is no doubt due to my relationships with foreign men, but i don't really care how it happens.

my mother always said, it's better to be happily single than miserably married, which i logically have accepted but never emotionally embraced. this is because, of course, it is missing the point.

what about being happily married?

as in, who actually falls into this category?

yes, that is really the point.

marraige is seeming to me now to be less a falling in love, living happily ever after arrangement, and more a legal and practical decision. this actually makes it much easier for me to accept because the chances of really having it ALL are so slim.

i'm not sure people ever DID have it all.

it is much easier to view being single as ok when you remove the unrealistic expectations from marraige. yes, i love many of my exes, but would we be a good fit married? no. therefore, it's not all about love.

taking away the pressure for the guy to have to love me so much he can't bear to lose me (do any of us really lose our exes?), and the requirement that he make me happy & fulfill my every need (yes, we do hope for this even though we don't want to admit it) -- and replacing it with a realistic expectation that lands his reasoning somewhere in the realm of love + taxes + sex + companionship makes it much easier on me. after my recent experience with a highly emotional man, i'll take the practical ones anyday, thank you very much. leave the emotions to me, you just be a logical man & we'll be ok.

i am so relieved that now i don't have to find it all in one man. love is a great objective, but it's only a part of the equation.

so now to apply this...if i can just find out why he wants to marry me, and see if our reasons match. if they are a fit, we're ok.

how completely unromantic. and refreshing.

here's to logical marraiges. may they last longer and be happier because they - make sense...

pre-dating

i'm LMAO. or a bit afraid...

check out google's new custom time...or alibi provider. straight from the spam-book (ah, this is how i get moldy spam blasts from the past). ideal for all crimes to be committed, honey no i wasn't with her & i didn't forget your birthday, in fact you read my e-mail about your gift! reminds me of selling indulgences in the dark ages.

New! Gmail Custom TimeTM
Ever wish you could go back in time and send that crucial email that could have changed everything -- if only it hadn't slipped your mind? Gmail can now help you with those missed deadlines, missed birthdays and missed opportunities.

Pre-date your messages
You tell us what time you would have wanted your email sent, and we'll take care of the rest. Need an email to arrive 6 hours ago? No problem.

Mark as read or unread
Take sending emails to the past one step further. We let you make emails look like they've been read all along.

Make them count
Use your custom time stamped messages wisely -- each Gmail user gets ten per year.

Worry less
Forget your finance reports. Forget your anniversary. We'll make it look like you remembered.

oowhoo. i can't wait to see what comes of this - a new favorite for ambulance chasers, divorce lawyers & he-saids-she-saids everywhere!

honey, i shrunk your opinion of me

two date diva, i'm listening to your music while i write. :)

so this great quality men have of wanting to please us also makes them not want to tell us anything we might not want to hear. so they just don't!

they also try to pass off decisions that we won't like to us, so we'll have to make them. (aka the i'll be a jerk so she'll break up with me action.)

trying to navigate this behavior is really tricky. sometimes you just don't know what's BS & what's just him being a guy. to compound it, smart & experienced guys are pros at this, & they also know how most women will react.

so, overall, it appears that coaxing bad news out of a guy - or getting him to make decisions that HE should make - is an art form. i just realized how hard this is, even though i've struggled with it for years. but...this week i found a formula that SEEMED to work, we'll see.

what you'll need: a conversation with him, ability to read between the lines, and a fix-o-meter, sold by successful dating experts everywhere

Step 1: ask what's going on. whatever it is will not be volunteered.

Step 2: let him know you like it that he is much better than other guys (who are BSers) because he is straightforward with you. this does three things - says you see BS & won't put up with it, shows you are discriminating & he has to meet your standards, and let's him know you think he's a great guy.

Step 3: watch him show off that quality you just pointed out. bite your tongue while he uses that great quality to vociferously defend his position. while he's talking, turn on your fix-o-meter, which will help you gauge his interest in fixing this. enter the level of defensiveness into your fix-o-meter. no explanation/no guilt = 0, lengthy explanation/high guilt = 10.

Step 4: see how much he wants to fix things by whether or not he plans to do something that you WILL like. enter this into the fix-o-meter too, under the heading of intent. no plans = 0, definite plans with a time period = 10.

Step 5: see if he DOES what he's planned. no action = 0, follow-through = 10.

when it's all said & done (with the two being clearly different!) look back at your fix-o-meter ratings to see what level of indicators you saw that actually got you to this point.

this will help you determine at which point straightforwardness intersects with BS for this particular guy...write that number down where you can look at it every day & see...

if you really want to deal with it. ;)