I N V U not
yesterday a co-worker sent around an e-mail with a pic of her engagement ring. she has beautiful taste in rings, and i was happy for her. she's been with the guy 4 years.
what is odd is my lack of envy for her, especially since i strongly feel the lack of being married.
i think my perspective about marraige is finally changing, and becoming more pragmatic. this is no doubt due to my relationships with foreign men, but i don't really care how it happens.
my mother always said, it's better to be happily single than miserably married, which i logically have accepted but never emotionally embraced. this is because, of course, it is missing the point.
what about being happily married?
as in, who actually falls into this category?
yes, that is really the point.
marraige is seeming to me now to be less a falling in love, living happily ever after arrangement, and more a legal and practical decision. this actually makes it much easier for me to accept because the chances of really having it ALL are so slim.
i'm not sure people ever DID have it all.
it is much easier to view being single as ok when you remove the unrealistic expectations from marraige. yes, i love many of my exes, but would we be a good fit married? no. therefore, it's not all about love.
taking away the pressure for the guy to have to love me so much he can't bear to lose me (do any of us really lose our exes?), and the requirement that he make me happy & fulfill my every need (yes, we do hope for this even though we don't want to admit it) -- and replacing it with a realistic expectation that lands his reasoning somewhere in the realm of love + taxes + sex + companionship makes it much easier on me. after my recent experience with a highly emotional man, i'll take the practical ones anyday, thank you very much. leave the emotions to me, you just be a logical man & we'll be ok.
i am so relieved that now i don't have to find it all in one man. love is a great objective, but it's only a part of the equation.
so now to apply this...if i can just find out why he wants to marry me, and see if our reasons match. if they are a fit, we're ok.
how completely unromantic. and refreshing.
here's to logical marraiges. may they last longer and be happier because they - make sense...
2 comments:
After seeing my grandparents be happily married for almost 60 years, I do believe that it is possible to "have it all" but I also think that we try to rush it or force it to be somewhere it isn't. Or we don't see the "have it all" person for who they are. And also, I do think that you have to acknowledge the practical side of a marriage, and that you have to be willing to tough out the rough patches. I think those are all components of "having it all" but these days, people look at marriage as temporary, dissolvable & dispoable. Just because it's not always flowers & champagne. I believe that having it all doesn't fall in your lap or happen without daily maintenance.
i'm glad to hear a success story. at this point, i think it's all about luck. even though i believe in god, i don't see a strong correlation to direction in relationships.
i have such a diverse background and lifestyle that is nearly impossible for me to find guys that are both interesting to me and single. some people do, but of those i've talked to, they count their lucky stars. they say, if i hadn't found x, i don't know what i would have done.
perhaps, they would have been me, i guess...
and that's just meeting the guy. that's not even delving down into working on the r-ship, which as you mentioned is critical to its survival.
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