timing

i posted a question on a message board about if my doc ignores my communications for a week, is this a big deal? john gray talks about it not being a big deal. well, not ignoring, but that guys will disappear until they figure out what they want.

however this is just strange. i think it's a sign things are def over with me & my doc. so i'm moving on. or back, as i said to my regularly scheduled life.

of course in some ways i'm super upset. and in other ways, i'm like, well there are some things that i really didn't like & were red flags. so better now than later.

but still. anyhow, back to the topic. if a guy goes awol for a week, is that a big deal? my girlfriends don't think it is really. it's odd. not nice. def different. but a big deal?

i don't know what guys would say about this. i would say it is continuing the rejective behavior i got upset about in the first place on our last morning of the trip. how can you turn me down for affection on the last day, no matter how "oddly" i may ask? i mean, i like you dude. & you prefer to pack to make love to me? that is just whack.

i have a friend who waits until her husband want to have sex all the time. ok. that is a def possibility that some guys prefer to call the shots. but to just be cold hearted & then tell me, you're not thinking long-term (like you want a relationship) & then ignore me when you get back?

something is all screwball here.

khaos

this is my new favorite monster drink. aka my doc who got me addicted. i do tend to mix things up with coffee still, so as to keep my addiction somewhat under control.

this is also the name of my emotional upheavals. i go through a perfect storm of emotions quite frequently (like lately) & then as soon as they're over, the sun comes out & i'm fine. this is very interesting.



not only interesting, it's damaging to my relationships. so off i go on monday to figure this out.

i counted more than ten (10) yes 1-0 men that i have gotten khaotically emotional with over the past however many years i've been dating. and lest i think he will never come back again (which i'm currently thinking about my doc of course) i counted what, 8 of them that did? of their own accord. or my convincing. whatever. all the same.

only 2 did not return to a relationship with me. a young guy that i didn't ultimately want anyway & my cheater ex. oh, yes, & another guy way back in college. so that's 3. i have a 70% retention rate for guys that i get all emotional on.

now the good thing about this is that i FINALLY have something to fix. all my friends have been saying you need to see a therapist. i have been like, yeah, but about what? i mean how can you measure success or address something that is very undefined?

well now i've named it & ID'd it. khaotic emotions.

this came up in the last morning of our trip to orlando & OMG, it wasn't fun. for either of us. in fact, i'm not sure i'll even hear from my doc again. but he can't say he wasn't warned, not that that makes it any better. i mean i don't have an eating disorder, i'm not mean, i'm not toxic, but i get khaotically emotional. it's not pretty.

i've identified alot of this as fear. in fact, i've realized that much of my pain is fear-induced. all? who knows. regardless however, once you have a pattern of more than 10 men over a number of years, this is a significant pattern.

so i called my ex that i had the most trouble with this about & was like help, i'm freaking out. i haven't heard back from him yet. we'll see what he says. he is used to this in me though, has been through it many times, and he ultimately sees that i normalize. however my doc has not seen that enough yet. nor should he deal with it if he doesn't want to. i made it very clear that i recognized it was a problem & was working on it. i just didn't realize exactly how regular a problem it was.

apparently if i like a guy, i tend to fall apart around him. yeah. that's attractive.

i don't know any good therapists in town. the two that i've tried in my dr's office depress me. they are unhappy women who try to blame my upheaval on my religion. right. ok. thanks ladies. how about trying something else. i'm not even very religious anymore & what are you going to do, exorcise it? i mean, i'm not JW or CS or anything like that. i'm conservative, mainstream, legalistic protestant. heck, i'm not even catholic. so i have guilt, but not catholic guilt.

so currently i'm 5 days into not talking to my doc. or i mean him not talking back. so he is still either pissed off at me or thinking things over. i trust (because i do) that he hasn't gone awol on me, but heck, if he did, he didn't like me as much as i thought & best to find that out before doing silly things like getting married to people who don't even like you. yes, stranger things have happened.

i want him to like me, khaos & all. although hopefully soon it will just be the drink...

bounceback

sometimes it's hard to remember, when i currently am in the situation, that nearly all the guys in my life come back. yes. they, do.

and every time i think they never will.

i just realized this.

interesting how one day you realize all the misconceptions you live under & that drive your fears. & how disassociated they really are from reality...

bunny

i hate to admit it, but i'm entering my bunny phase.

as in running.

wow, i sure have issues with staying around. my friends tell me to take deep breaths & not keep obsessing & just wait & see what happens.

me, i'm busy looking for the escape root (lol, what a pun) from the garden of luv.

it's all very interesting to observe myself doing this. the minute any friction enters a r-ship, i'm all about running. the big question is just when, where & how fast.

the hardest thing for me to do right now is just sit & lick my feet. yes, that's what bunnies do, i suppose, when they're NOT running. that's what my cat does. maybe that's what little scared animals do to keep the mind off the fact that they might be dinner.

the funny thing is that of course, my bunny tendencies don't come up when i'm single. they only come up when - voila - there is something to run from.

off i go to lick my feet.

ugh. nasty. although luckily i just got a pedicure for v-day & i have cute little pink toes.

just sit there & stew

this concept of sitting with your feelings & just waiting to see what happens next is a totally new one for me. my feelings tend to scream "JUST DO IT!" and often doing anything is the worst thing at all. b/c usually when you feel that strongly, you don't know exactly what to do. or at least i don't. being relationship challenged & thinking that down is up.

so i'm sitting with my feelings & doing. absolutely. nothing.

tonite i'm gonna try not to think either (even harder than not doing!) so here comes a corona & some great mind-numbing tv & kitten-cuddling.

oh what a relief it is.