khaos

this is my new favorite monster drink. aka my doc who got me addicted. i do tend to mix things up with coffee still, so as to keep my addiction somewhat under control.

this is also the name of my emotional upheavals. i go through a perfect storm of emotions quite frequently (like lately) & then as soon as they're over, the sun comes out & i'm fine. this is very interesting.



not only interesting, it's damaging to my relationships. so off i go on monday to figure this out.

i counted more than ten (10) yes 1-0 men that i have gotten khaotically emotional with over the past however many years i've been dating. and lest i think he will never come back again (which i'm currently thinking about my doc of course) i counted what, 8 of them that did? of their own accord. or my convincing. whatever. all the same.

only 2 did not return to a relationship with me. a young guy that i didn't ultimately want anyway & my cheater ex. oh, yes, & another guy way back in college. so that's 3. i have a 70% retention rate for guys that i get all emotional on.

now the good thing about this is that i FINALLY have something to fix. all my friends have been saying you need to see a therapist. i have been like, yeah, but about what? i mean how can you measure success or address something that is very undefined?

well now i've named it & ID'd it. khaotic emotions.

this came up in the last morning of our trip to orlando & OMG, it wasn't fun. for either of us. in fact, i'm not sure i'll even hear from my doc again. but he can't say he wasn't warned, not that that makes it any better. i mean i don't have an eating disorder, i'm not mean, i'm not toxic, but i get khaotically emotional. it's not pretty.

i've identified alot of this as fear. in fact, i've realized that much of my pain is fear-induced. all? who knows. regardless however, once you have a pattern of more than 10 men over a number of years, this is a significant pattern.

so i called my ex that i had the most trouble with this about & was like help, i'm freaking out. i haven't heard back from him yet. we'll see what he says. he is used to this in me though, has been through it many times, and he ultimately sees that i normalize. however my doc has not seen that enough yet. nor should he deal with it if he doesn't want to. i made it very clear that i recognized it was a problem & was working on it. i just didn't realize exactly how regular a problem it was.

apparently if i like a guy, i tend to fall apart around him. yeah. that's attractive.

i don't know any good therapists in town. the two that i've tried in my dr's office depress me. they are unhappy women who try to blame my upheaval on my religion. right. ok. thanks ladies. how about trying something else. i'm not even very religious anymore & what are you going to do, exorcise it? i mean, i'm not JW or CS or anything like that. i'm conservative, mainstream, legalistic protestant. heck, i'm not even catholic. so i have guilt, but not catholic guilt.

so currently i'm 5 days into not talking to my doc. or i mean him not talking back. so he is still either pissed off at me or thinking things over. i trust (because i do) that he hasn't gone awol on me, but heck, if he did, he didn't like me as much as i thought & best to find that out before doing silly things like getting married to people who don't even like you. yes, stranger things have happened.

i want him to like me, khaos & all. although hopefully soon it will just be the drink...