October 25, 2008

spinning 2

so more about spinning.

the other thing i was saying is that people are so used to what you do when you spin out of control, that they will just jump right over to that place automatically, in anticipation.

like if you know your top always falls to the right, you'll just go over to the right to pick it up before it ever leans that way.

that's the hard thing about relationships. once you get locked into behavior patterns it's terribly hard to break. that's why starting over is so hard. because even if you don't spin right, your partner expects that you will and reacts as though you have. so in essence they also lock you into your patterns as well.

we all like predictability.

the hard thing about starting over, as i'm trying to do with mr. big, is that we both know where i'll spin off to. insecurity, clinginess, attachment that he finds suffocating & i find annoying. in one example, i used to stay at his place longer even when i felt like going home simply b/c i knew it would be forever before i saw him again.

but time now doesn't make up for time later & that didn't do either of us any good. so the last time i stayed over, i got up when i felt like it & went home. it fixed one of the annoying issues between us - me getting up early. so i kissed him goodbye & left. he kept sleeping, i got up early. & i didn't hang around.

anyhow. so that's all about that.
$$

well, my 401k lost half its value.

thank goodness i didn't have any contributions going in this year. and - that i'm not retiring!!
ae

american eagle had a sale yesterday. and i finally did it. i bought loungy clothes. up the wazzoo. i bought 4 pairs of sweats that actually - drum roll - are long enough! (this is the non-sexy part about my clothes, i don't feel sexy when the pants are too short!) and 2 matching cotton tanks with lace, mmmmmmm. and two long-sleeved graphic tees that match - AND that cover that little gappy spot on your back that happens now with the low-waisted stuff.

and everything matches!

i am dedicating a whole drawer to my loungy clothes and i am going to organize it and i am going to put in the attic anything that does not make me feel meg ryany cute & sexy at home.

then i'm going to do this with the rest of my wardrobe.

i have struggled for years with clothes. always buying, never finding the right thing. i need to free up some mental & emotional energy for other stuff. this just drains my energy!

so i hit upon a strategy to only put in my dresser clothes that i have brought back from the laundry. you get it. it means if i'm not wearing it, it's not there. i made a few exceptions, but i took 3 bags of clothes upstairs & there they will remain until - i want them.

ah. progress. more time more energy for - me!
spinning

sometimes it's interesting to just sit back & watch yourself spin.

today i'm doing that.

what i meant by that is, we all have issues, & how they present themselves & what we do about them is a clear pattern. people interact with us based on a knowledge of these patterns. so once they are established, both we and other people follow a set path - maybe to the distruction of the relationship.

today i'm sitting back & watching myself spin around about mr. big not setting a time to meet up yet. i already know from dating him that his timeline for missing me is longer than mine. and that he's not going anywhere. he keeps his friends for years. and that he is checking out my myspace page again. and probably waiting for me to spin out of control & be my clingy self again.

but instead, fortunately, i've learned to spin in place. i suppose none of you played with tops, but i actually have spun a couple. when they spin in place it's a beautiful thing. it's when they start going out of control that it gets wacky & they fall down. me, i'd like NOT to spin. but since i do, it's best to try to make it - a beautiful thing!

i went yesterday to get massage done again on my neck, doing a current series of 10 visits. my therapist is just fantastic & creates a very warm and comforting place to heal, which i told him. which i need b/c yesterday i had a very odd experience on the table. he started working on this part of my neck which must be the apex of all my physical & emotional pain. and i got dizzy on the table. bizarre. then i started crying, which i have done before & just felt like i would start sobbing. after that i was immediately flooded with this sense of well-being which rarely shows up & just felt totally connected to reality & normal again.

well, i held off on the sobbing part, that's today. but i feel like some part of me has been opened up & here i am with all my emotional pain flooding out & it feels just wonderful. to be released finally.

i had so much fear, pressure and anxiety when i was performing the violin & it's still all held in my muscles. a toxic dump i guess for my past. nice to have that dissipating!!

so of course all the energy from yesterday is focused on mr. big & i'm all angsty about him. but at least i'm spinning in place.

so back to where i began. my ongoing struggle to let guys stay in my life. it's just very difficult. i'm such a runner i don't know how to just nurture what i have with a guy that i like. i've reached a place that we haven't been to before - where i am (trying to be) approving & accepting of him & enjoy him but here i am just being all, you don't like me. he does like me in his own way. that way is not mine. i can live with it, seek to encourage him to see me more, or leave.

but complaining or threatening is spinning out of control. not sexy. and he will leave.

since this was my very first time saying hey, i'd like to see you, i am not quite sure what to do if it doesn't work within my timeline. throw out my timeline? readjust it? just walk away?

right now i am dating new guys but they don't interest me or aren't interested in me. essentially he is my only date/friend.

the interesting thing is, i am not emotionally & physically well enough yet to spend a lot of time with people. if i actually look at whether i want to see anyone or not it is yes, but. there is also the interesting thing that i don't really consider whether i really want to see someone or not. i just think, well i'm dating them or they're my friend. they should want to see me!

i think this is true. i should only be friends with people that want to see me when i want to hang out. yet i routinely seek guys out that put an even larger distance between us than i would like so i can always try to close the gap. that is my preference. i have never been attracted to guys that are trying to get closer to me.

i wish i could fix this, but it is the way it is right now. it's not so far off from what doclove talks about, that women like to chase. so maybe it is just this want what i can't have thing.

either way, i remain conflicted about what i want vs. what i need. and in my head, i feel like i am not getting my needs met. so again my choices are to a) accept things & stay or b) leave quietly & give no advance notification. but playing games or hard to get isn't gonna work so that option is out.

i don't quite understand why i'm going through this whole internal conversation at my age. you'd think i would have figured this out. i just don't know why this remains an issue. but since i am still single and have remained that way because i did not want to settle for a guy that i wasn't crazy about, i am still facing it.

ok, enough heavy stuff. on to some more fun stuff in the next blogs.

October 23, 2008

#1 - Think the Best of People

the other day i was walking down the street in my pain & suffering & sadness (b/c i had been alone all weekend dammit) when i asked god, what can i do different? i'm just spinning my wheels & nothing is changing! i've made all these physical changes in my life & some things are SO much better. but i feel stuck in place!

so immediately he answered.

this thing popped into my head that was - think the best of people.

i almost groaned. it was so unbelievably appropriate.

because i ALWAYS think the worst.

this is a big problem and has been my whole life. i not only think the worst of people, i think the worst of what they are going to do, and did. so if a guy doesn't call back - he doesn't like me. or if he doesn't call back right away. or if he doesn't call first. or if he calls first too quickly. or if he calls too often. ok, you get it. there is no winning here.

i was immediately reminded what mr. ny told me one time when i was blowing up about work. he said (about my boss) "he must have had a good reason for what he did." i was like WHAT?

and then i realized - everyone's reasons are as good as my own! we all have good reasons for what we do. we may not LIKE what other people's reasons are but to them, they are good!

i think i've been so brainwashed by a dad that DIDN'T have good reasons (in my own opinion) for what he did, that i think everyone operates under some law of senselessness & meanness & selfishness.

time to break free.

(although i have to say - in defense of my dad - i'm realizing lately i'm not even sure i like kids or want them. clearly he didn't. but he had us anyway. that was the problem. he traded kids (a don't want) for marriage (a must have in his profession). we kids were the tradeoff. we were the deal he had to take. i don't think it was fair, but you can see - i'm actually finding that my father had reasons too! ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

ok, so #1 - THINK THE BEST OF PEOPLE

now that's lifechanging stuff.

so what happened after i accepted this mandate? mr. big called. now i had called him a week ago saying i wanted to get together, with no response. my former self would have been all annoyed - and stayed annoyed - that he was ignoring me. i would have said, he just doesn't care. but then i thought to self, he always comes back. he must be super busy. so i texted him about something else, that he really didn't need to respond to (my friends standing me up - i said NOW i see why he always makes back-up plans - yet another thing i had never thought there was a good reason for - until now - that part i didn't say of course) and - voila he immediately called.

the new happy-great to hear from you-me listened to him say he had been busy, out of town, meaning to call, and heard how happy he sounded when i reiterated that i wanted to see him! i can't even remember hearing him sound that pleased, ever.

now i look forward to seeing him again & when we meet up, it will be awesome.

all because i changed my outlook - and instead of worrying boo hoo hoo he doesn't like me - i thought the best of him.

i can't wait to see how else this works...
#2 - REVEL in His Presence

i grew up in a family where the common practice was to make dad feel like a failure. now, granted, in many ways he was. in taking care of children over the long-term, he certainly was. and still is. however, regardless of that, i unfortunately learned a highly critical attitude. compound that with fear - when he left.

so imagine how comforting christian carter's e-mail is, titled What Drives Men Away and What ATTRACTS Them. i think i've said before after learning that men respond to women, CC's theories suddenly make sense. here's why: he says in this e-mail, women are the emotional leaders in a relationship. and men depend on us for that.

ok. so where are we leading?

i'm gonna clip a couple paragraphs from that e-mail, they are awesome. here they are:

"1) As you might already know, men aren't often
the best in the world at giving emotional support
and at nurturing. He might not recognize what's
really going on with you, or he might not know
how to give you what you want, or it might even
be that he is afraid of how you are acting and
he doesn't feel comfortable getting any closer
to you.

2) Men expect that if a woman likes them, then
the woman should feel good when she's around him.
I know it might sound simple, or even stupid, but
if a woman is constantly stressed or worried or
unhappy when she's around a man, not only does
he feel like he can't make her happy, but he'll
want to spend LESS and LESS time around her.

Here are two ways to communicate with a man
that will make him not only FEEL GOOD, but make
him want to communicate with you and be around
you more:

1) Figure out how to make it so that men can see
and recognize what it is that you are looking for
with them, without frustrating or confusing them
even more.

2) Find out why it is that YOU are so chronically
unsatisfied. Men want to be around women who make
them FEEL GOOD. Telling him that he is constantly
doing things WRONG just creates more ANXIETY."

ok. so what's the point? not being afraid, and being happy when he's around!

now if you haven't grown up with this attitude, it will be completely foreign to you. my long-term boyfriend once told me i was never satisfied. i've never forgotten that. lately i've tried to be not only satisifed, but tell guys "YOU ARE GREAT at making me happy!" and try to make sure that is true.

if it's not true, what am i doing around them??? duh!

this sentence particularly stands out - "Men expect that if a woman likes them, then
the woman should feel good when she's around him." this is so logical and makes so much sense that it's almost painful to acknowledge when we don't do this. instead, if we like a guy, we don't revel in his company, we're busy wondering - when he walks out the door, how long is it gonna be until we see him again? or who is seeing him in the meantime?

this is my #2 thing that i need to fix. my #1 thing i'll make the topic of my next blog. but

#2 is - REVEL in his presence.

i mean just suck it up. how he feels, how he smells. how he sounds. what he says. how he touches me. enjoy enjoy enjoy. and then let him go. & enjoy the memory.

and that's it.

if he doesn't show up to more of that revelry, gees, let him go, & find someone who likes being enjoyed.
dates

i love dates. yeah, the ones where you meet people too!

tonite is my 2nd this week (unless he reschedules, had surgery on his leg ouch!). tomorrow my 3rd.

i guess tomorrow is looking better because - i'm actually checking & rechecking my e-mail to see if keith has written back yet. that's a good sign actually...

tonite i'm not so sure about. i couldn't seem to get dressed this morning, just kept changing clothes. usually when that happens it's a sign that i'm anxious & things aren't going to go well. the most obvious connection between my clothes changes & the fact things aren't going to go well was when my cheater x dumped me over e-mail the day i was going to meet his parents. while he had another girl in his bed. i remember the night before i was just agonizing what to wear, couldn't seem to figure out what to take for the weekend...

lesson to self - pay attention to anxiety. it's not always a weakness. sometimes, it's intuition.

October 22, 2008

girls lie

ok, we do. we don't think we're lying but we do.

like when we say i don't do ______ on first dates - it means - i won't be _________ YOU. ooops. little lie there.

it's our version of "i'm not ready for a relationship." yeah, you've heard that before. with whom?

and we really think we have these standards.

until we don't.

i had told mike i wasn't gonna be kissing him goodnight cuz i don't kiss guys on first dates. yeah. and so i didn't kiss him at the end. what does that mean? i'm so virtuous. hee hee. not.

it means i didn't want to kiss him. ooooooops. good that he cut his losses.

now i have this serious profile up where i scare all the bad boys away that are in relationships. again, i'm so virtuous. but some hot guy shows up & asks me what are you going to be halloween night?

and of course i say

- loved by you.

& now we're being sexy-texty.

yup. so much for um, you're super hot, are you really single?

oh well, he's in NY so i won't meet him. but it all goes to show -

we lie just like guys.

ooops.
bastard

that is skertzo's 4th middle name. he keeps getting more of them. first he was just "squeaky" (cuz that's all he could do) then it was "skerzo" squeaky, then it was skertzo squeaky "schitzo", then lately it's been skertzo squeaky schitzo "velcro." now it's skertzo squeaky schitzo velcro "bastard."

i mean how long is it gonna take to call him to kibbles & bits dinner? i'm gonna have to abbreviate. "come here SSSVB."

today he was being a little whiney bastard about going outside. and me opening windows so he could look out wasn't good enough. he wanted to BE out. so i actually took him outside this MORNING before work, like a dog owner. with his little 15' retractable extension leash. yes. i admit it. i own a wanna-be-dog cat. i feel like i'm in AA.

he was crazy cat, chasing leaves, running here & there, running up the trees, sniffing the water spout, biting at his leash, glaring at me b/c he wants to run free, trying to run through the fence, wrapping himself around & around a bush. gees. i kept him from playing litter-box in the dirt this time, that's his favorite thing to do when he first goes out. that and chase sticks round & round (me) like he's on a track. or rather on crack.

he gets so hyper & excited when he's outside that it's just adorable to watch. he points his little ears every whichway like a horse, his eyes are big & lively & he can't sit still for more than 3 seconds as he listens to all the sounds, sniffs the wind & looks around excitedly for the next fun thing to do.

so i hoped that the little trip outside would calm the little bastard down, but he was still crazy cat & trying to bite me when i took off his little harness.

next time i will not even try to take him out. if he bites me while i'm putting ON his harness he will just stay inside & go stir crazy.

i love my kitty! yes, i really do. most of the time he's a little love bucket (whatever the hell that is). that's probably his next name...
healthy wealthy & single

well, interesting things lately.

last night i was feeling so bad & so tired of it i wanted to die. not a surprising feeling i guess for FMS people. some of them apparently have committed suicide. I WON'T so don't worry. but the thought is there.

then i suddenly remembered it was going to rain all day today. ah. it was the weather.

today i'm feeling better.

thanks for the support readers! that was awesome! :)

--------------------------

ok, so good thing i didn't waste time describing my date monday night. he just wrote me & said he had fun & the chemistry was there - but it was a 60 mile trip for him. yeah. and he what, DIDN'T know this before he left? right.

oh well. i wasn't all that about it anyway. he wasn't my type, although he was totally normal & i had fun.

on to my next dates - tomorrow night (John) and Friday night (Keith). i'm gonna have to get a secretary just to set up my dates.

keith actually sound promising. in an unusual manner, i've been e-mailing back & forth with him, something i don't usually do until i meet someone. but he's fun & whatever.

i'm so lol at mike blowing me off for the distance i'll just have to tell him about mr. ny just for fun. yeah, i guess it just wasn't there for ya. that's ok. i have guys that come out from NY to see me, so yeah. i get it. not.

oh well, the fact that i'm amused not crushed tells me i wasn't all that into it either. so not even my ego is bruised. oh hell yeah, i guess it is.

distance, dammit. ha.

October 21, 2008

life's a bitch

who would have thought that i would be so young & vibrant & have so much pain. it's the oddest combination. people are shocked at how i don't look my age. but today i was struggling to make it up the stairs from the train.

it's really not fair. this isn't what i imagined at all. i imagined having kids, a husband, (he never comes first, odd) a house, an SUV, a dog. but never being in pain like this. sometimes i cry b/c i can't take it anymore. less so lately, but still.

last night at my date, which was fun, i was squirming in my chair b/c my back hurt so badly. finally i had to say let's go. i was also yawning, but then, it was 10:30 so that's not a problem. but the pain.

how can i look so normal & be so f*d up?

the only good thing is, it isn't life-threatening. i mean, my half-niece has MS and she's not even 30.

but still. it's my pain. i feel it. i'm crying this morning. i don't understand. but then it doesn't really matter, does it.

that's just life. & it's a bitch.

October 19, 2008

status

i'm supposed to meet 2 new guys this week.

one for monday night football at my favorite bar, we'll call him mike cuz that's his name.

the other one for ?? on thursday night. we'll call him john, cuz that's also his name.

we'll see how things go. it will be nice to obsess over some new guys for a change.

these guys managed to make the cut through my stringent online-dating screening. i now have posted that i will ask guys for proof of their relationship status (mwahahaha)and said don't even e-mail me if you are not commitmentwise & legally single as of the date of the e-mail.

in a funny story, one guy saw my post & totally got it. he wrote that he had gone out with this woman who was iffy about her status, etc. when he pushed her more, he figured out - her husband was his co-worker! she freaked out, making him promise not to tell. she was trying to decide whether to leave him or not.

yes, my status screening seems an uber cool idea. we'll see how well it works...
back-up plans

well, i see why mr. big always makes back-up plans. people are so flaky.

last night i was supposed to hang out with 2 girls. one was definite, one was maybe. i heard from neither, until the definite one at 11:16 p.m. sent me a text. yeah, i figured it was off by then.

don't get me wrong, i didn't really want to go out anyway. what use is going dancing in the cold when there's not someone else's warm bed to go to? james bond is more sexy instead.

but i mean really. i'll never commit to meeting them again. it will always be, yeah, check in with me & let me know what's going on. that's it.

they are now exclusively my back-up girls. hee hee, i have a chorus line...