replicator, anyone? anyone?
very depressed lately & crying in my milk.
if i had any milk...
ok. anyhow. whytf do i have to just refuse to settle? i could have settled - even for the last guy i dated that didn't have sexy breath - & be on my way to a happy r-ship. instead i demand to really want the guy i am with.
and so i am single.
botheration.
i don't know what i'd do without facebook. friends on there keep me going since i haven't spoken to anyone all day except my cat & the people at the dollar store. of course i turned down a couple invites today, it's not that no one loves me. just not the right people.
mr. ny wrote from his country, yea. i haven't heard back yet from mr. big though who continues to prefer it if i ignore him for days at a time. i'm trying hard to walk away from his rejective behavior but it's just so hard. i've never dated a guy who is more warm & fuzzy when he is around. i'm busy trying hard to get that somewhere else.
anyone have a star trek replicator for sale?
November 22, 2008
November 18, 2008
boy comes thru
it's working! he's doing it! mr. big is actually - drum roll - responding. like he said he would.
and it's good stuff too. one is this...
when i asked him what i should do about other guys that i don't want to date anymore, he gave me a great line.
just tell them you don't like them like that.
it's perfect. it's polite. and it says i won't be f*in you. ever.
ok, now i just have to do that. ugh.
i don't usually ask guys i like for advice on other guys but 1) he is good at it apparently, being the king of diplomacy and 2) seems i'm not in line for dating more seriously & i mean really, we're not even getting along so that would be why and 3) doesn't hurt to point out i got other things goin' on.
it's working! he's doing it! mr. big is actually - drum roll - responding. like he said he would.
and it's good stuff too. one is this...
when i asked him what i should do about other guys that i don't want to date anymore, he gave me a great line.
just tell them you don't like them like that.
it's perfect. it's polite. and it says i won't be f*in you. ever.
ok, now i just have to do that. ugh.
i don't usually ask guys i like for advice on other guys but 1) he is good at it apparently, being the king of diplomacy and 2) seems i'm not in line for dating more seriously & i mean really, we're not even getting along so that would be why and 3) doesn't hurt to point out i got other things goin' on.
November 17, 2008
change
well this weekend was interesting.
i confronted four guys in my life about how their [unreliable, non-responsive] behavior upset me. one of them i yelled at in person. three of them i yelled at online.
none of them wants to stop our friendship. in fact the guy i yelled at in person said, and i quote, "i don't want to let you go."
now this is interesting. i thought their behavior meant they weren't interested. but they have stated they never meant to hurt me and most of them apologized. the one i care the most about, mr. big, not only didn't leave, he agreed that he would like to try interacting with me more [the responsive part] in lieu of losing me altogher.
i realized i need to state clearly what i need from them. in a nice way. so i will do that. i n3ed to say - i'd like to have you in my life. but in order for us to relate without conflict, i need you to be [reliable, responsive] in all your interactions with me.
what is surprising is that all these guys respected my boundaries. and they wanted to please me. whether i was yelling online or in person - they got my message.
i don't know if their behavior will change but i expect it will. if it is true they never meant to offend, they will try to stop doing so.
what's frustrating is that i have put up with unreliable/unresponsive behavior from guys for years. i mean i've known some of these guys for more than 15 years. and i never called them on it before. now, today, in november 2008, i am setting the bar.
but then talk is cheap. we'll see who actually jumps over...
well this weekend was interesting.
i confronted four guys in my life about how their [unreliable, non-responsive] behavior upset me. one of them i yelled at in person. three of them i yelled at online.
none of them wants to stop our friendship. in fact the guy i yelled at in person said, and i quote, "i don't want to let you go."
now this is interesting. i thought their behavior meant they weren't interested. but they have stated they never meant to hurt me and most of them apologized. the one i care the most about, mr. big, not only didn't leave, he agreed that he would like to try interacting with me more [the responsive part] in lieu of losing me altogher.
i realized i need to state clearly what i need from them. in a nice way. so i will do that. i n3ed to say - i'd like to have you in my life. but in order for us to relate without conflict, i need you to be [reliable, responsive] in all your interactions with me.
what is surprising is that all these guys respected my boundaries. and they wanted to please me. whether i was yelling online or in person - they got my message.
i don't know if their behavior will change but i expect it will. if it is true they never meant to offend, they will try to stop doing so.
what's frustrating is that i have put up with unreliable/unresponsive behavior from guys for years. i mean i've known some of these guys for more than 15 years. and i never called them on it before. now, today, in november 2008, i am setting the bar.
but then talk is cheap. we'll see who actually jumps over...
November 16, 2008
self-deceit
how do you convince yourself that if a guy leaves - it is a good thing?
i've been so conditioned to having men leaving be this horrible experience for me that i put up with CRAP. i was the one daughter that kept insisting, dad really wants his kids & will treat us well. so of course i keep trying (for 20 years) and end up with egg in face. dad is DAD.
there ain't no changin' him.
so his leaving was a GOOD thing.
right.
tell my psyche that. my poor little abandoned little girl psyche. who thinks that all goodbyes are sad. treacherous.
where is the goodbye that is happy? where i should be so thankful HE LEFT. thank goodness that guy who brings out the WORSE POSSIBLE side of me (gosh these caps are getting annoying. especially all together instead of at the beginning of sentences...)
tonite i will try and tell myself if a guy will not commit to making me happy, when i give him all the tools, he will NEVER make me happy. tools or no. it is about willingness. caring. i deserve that.
i deserve to have a guy treat me well. or leave.
dammit.
how do you convince yourself that if a guy leaves - it is a good thing?
i've been so conditioned to having men leaving be this horrible experience for me that i put up with CRAP. i was the one daughter that kept insisting, dad really wants his kids & will treat us well. so of course i keep trying (for 20 years) and end up with egg in face. dad is DAD.
there ain't no changin' him.
so his leaving was a GOOD thing.
right.
tell my psyche that. my poor little abandoned little girl psyche. who thinks that all goodbyes are sad. treacherous.
where is the goodbye that is happy? where i should be so thankful HE LEFT. thank goodness that guy who brings out the WORSE POSSIBLE side of me (gosh these caps are getting annoying. especially all together instead of at the beginning of sentences...)
tonite i will try and tell myself if a guy will not commit to making me happy, when i give him all the tools, he will NEVER make me happy. tools or no. it is about willingness. caring. i deserve that.
i deserve to have a guy treat me well. or leave.
dammit.
dangerous obsession
it's hard to leave someone who brings out the worst in you.
have you ever noticed that?
there are all these guys you date that around them, you are just the best you you could ever want.
but those aren't your demons.
your demons drive your relationships.
or at least mine do.
it is the people that make you WANT and NEED and WOW and OHMYGOSH, all those uncomfortable states that are just super annoying - that you keep lusting after. i don't mean just physical lust, i mean, spiritual lust.
something in your spirit craves these people because, yeah, you got shit to fix.
or at least i do.
why is it the people that make us the most our unwanted selves that we crave? like craving sweets to make us gain weight or get all sugarrushed.
is it the adrenalin rush? or this psychic need of ours to FIX what's broken? so in order to fix it, we can't just put it in the closet, we have to find somebody who will bring it out of us every day. hello, you need to FIX THIS!
me, it's the anxiety. find a guy who will ignore me like my father did, i'm all over him. have him give me attention the craving goes away. wierdness.
who the f* dreamed this kind of torture up?
it's hard to leave someone who brings out the worst in you.
have you ever noticed that?
there are all these guys you date that around them, you are just the best you you could ever want.
but those aren't your demons.
your demons drive your relationships.
or at least mine do.
it is the people that make you WANT and NEED and WOW and OHMYGOSH, all those uncomfortable states that are just super annoying - that you keep lusting after. i don't mean just physical lust, i mean, spiritual lust.
something in your spirit craves these people because, yeah, you got shit to fix.
or at least i do.
why is it the people that make us the most our unwanted selves that we crave? like craving sweets to make us gain weight or get all sugarrushed.
is it the adrenalin rush? or this psychic need of ours to FIX what's broken? so in order to fix it, we can't just put it in the closet, we have to find somebody who will bring it out of us every day. hello, you need to FIX THIS!
me, it's the anxiety. find a guy who will ignore me like my father did, i'm all over him. have him give me attention the craving goes away. wierdness.
who the f* dreamed this kind of torture up?