WTF?
ok, well, this blog isn't about the patriots. although it could be.
so i e-mail dance partner today & see if he wants to go watch a dance competition. he tells me he's doing something else. with my very sexy and soon to be single dance teacher.
then writes a whole paragraph about how attractive i am but that he can see i'm not into him. and how he doesn't want to hang out with me & for it to be just platonic anyway. and then states that he doesn't have time anyway to have a relationship. so declines to hang out with me outside of dance class.
at this point i'm very confused. i don't recall ever deciding that i'm not attracted to him. aka, my recent post. in fact i was thinking that hmmm. and sitting close to him at the concert.
i saw a moment of fear when i got out of his car & said goodbye. usually this happens with guys that want to kiss me goodbye, but don't dare. so i thought to myself, well, he must have thought about that, decided not to, & that's it. nothing unusual.
maybe it was.
you always wonder why people are alone. me, i suppose other people wonder it about me. is this why he's still single? i don't know.
my first response was to write back & say, well, i never said i wasn't attracted to you, in fact...my second was to just do nothing & think about it.
am i really attracted to him? am i not? does it matter? he himself said he was too busy for a relationship.
it seems to me, that like the last guy i dated, the one who remarked with surprise that he "wasn't bored!!!?" he's voting me off the stage on his own.
i was already thinking it would be awkward if something developed between us & we still met up dancing. now i know that since he's already decided it won't, i don't have to worry about that anymore.
well, life is interesting. men are interesting. perhaps he wanted me to be all over him. i'm not like that. if you're not willing to go through the "does she like me, does she not" stage, than it's probably better if you de-self-select. saves me doing it later.
or you.
February 09, 2008
February 08, 2008
the show goes on
last night i went to a concert with my dance partner. he's growing on me. not my type at all. 40ish, bald with mustache & earring. but smart, a gentleman & with similar interests. in fact so similar that i pretty much invited myself to the concert before he had a chance to ask me.
so i was sitting there during the concert with him & we were kinda sitting pretty close & i thought, hmmm. this is nice. "i could like this guy. he seems really nice."
then this little devil on my shoulder pokes me in my ear & i shout out "ouch!" right in the middle of the slow movement of...nah i'm just kidding. he actually whispers in my ear "so were all the others..."
so here i am back at work, with a band-aid on my ear (to cover it really so i can't hear him anymore) thinking, this time i really shouldn't just jump in with both feet & close my eyes. at least this time, i should probably keep them open?
damn it. no fun. but either way, you still get wet & at least with your eyes open you can at least see... now if i could just admit what i saw to myself, that would be helpful. ha.
oh well, baby steps.
last night i went to a concert with my dance partner. he's growing on me. not my type at all. 40ish, bald with mustache & earring. but smart, a gentleman & with similar interests. in fact so similar that i pretty much invited myself to the concert before he had a chance to ask me.
so i was sitting there during the concert with him & we were kinda sitting pretty close & i thought, hmmm. this is nice. "i could like this guy. he seems really nice."
then this little devil on my shoulder pokes me in my ear & i shout out "ouch!" right in the middle of the slow movement of...nah i'm just kidding. he actually whispers in my ear "so were all the others..."
so here i am back at work, with a band-aid on my ear (to cover it really so i can't hear him anymore) thinking, this time i really shouldn't just jump in with both feet & close my eyes. at least this time, i should probably keep them open?
damn it. no fun. but either way, you still get wet & at least with your eyes open you can at least see... now if i could just admit what i saw to myself, that would be helpful. ha.
oh well, baby steps.
February 06, 2008
slow dance
this excerpt is taken from an excellent poem i just got forwarded, (supposedly) written by a young girl who is dying from cancer. i thought it applied to how many women approach finding a husband.
"When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there."
better yet, when you arrive, you're not ready. so you're all out of breath (figuratively), still seeing single, and not prepared to face what's coming next.
i think the reason slow & steady wins the race is because once the turtle reaches the finish line, he doesn't die of exhaustion! or shock, because he's been running the wrong race.
when you're slow & steady you really have time to question if this is in fact the race you want to be running.
lest you think i'm cynically observing from the sidelines, i'm really not. i'm picking my race.
me, i want a guy. but only if he makes my life better than it is already.
this excerpt is taken from an excellent poem i just got forwarded, (supposedly) written by a young girl who is dying from cancer. i thought it applied to how many women approach finding a husband.
"When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there."
better yet, when you arrive, you're not ready. so you're all out of breath (figuratively), still seeing single, and not prepared to face what's coming next.
i think the reason slow & steady wins the race is because once the turtle reaches the finish line, he doesn't die of exhaustion! or shock, because he's been running the wrong race.
when you're slow & steady you really have time to question if this is in fact the race you want to be running.
lest you think i'm cynically observing from the sidelines, i'm really not. i'm picking my race.
me, i want a guy. but only if he makes my life better than it is already.
seeing stuck
it's really something that i can think about dating every day. (well, lately). and keep up a blog, on focus, for five years.
would that be a one-track mind, seeing stuck, obsession, observation, interest, or just plain good writing? maybe a little of each.
being single has become, for me, this condition of interest. like a chronic sickness. what else can you do, that you haven't done before, to try to get over it? or it's like this problem to solve. what's the best way to arrive at the desired results? or it's like this wonderful state of being. gee, it's great to be me, just me, how can i make it better? or it's like this state of wondering. what if i do this, that or the other thing? who will i be? who will i be with?
like the above, a little of each.
mostly i guess it's a quest to find myself.
who am i, outside of society's expectations? or all tangled up in them? or burdened by them?
who do i want to be? who do other people think i should be?
don't kid yourself, everyone has an opinion about other people. that is, if they care. society's expectations are as real as music is. you can't see it, but you can damn feel it. and hear it.
so i'm back today with a small thought for the day that i'll post in another blog. why? because i'm fighting back, dammit.
i'm seeing single & i chose it. therefore, i must learn to love it. or - admit i love it already.
it's really something that i can think about dating every day. (well, lately). and keep up a blog, on focus, for five years.
would that be a one-track mind, seeing stuck, obsession, observation, interest, or just plain good writing? maybe a little of each.
being single has become, for me, this condition of interest. like a chronic sickness. what else can you do, that you haven't done before, to try to get over it? or it's like this problem to solve. what's the best way to arrive at the desired results? or it's like this wonderful state of being. gee, it's great to be me, just me, how can i make it better? or it's like this state of wondering. what if i do this, that or the other thing? who will i be? who will i be with?
like the above, a little of each.
mostly i guess it's a quest to find myself.
who am i, outside of society's expectations? or all tangled up in them? or burdened by them?
who do i want to be? who do other people think i should be?
don't kid yourself, everyone has an opinion about other people. that is, if they care. society's expectations are as real as music is. you can't see it, but you can damn feel it. and hear it.
so i'm back today with a small thought for the day that i'll post in another blog. why? because i'm fighting back, dammit.
i'm seeing single & i chose it. therefore, i must learn to love it. or - admit i love it already.
February 05, 2008
eensy teensy eeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini
since that's what i want to wear this summer...i started classes at the gym. gonna get a running start on swim-suit season. went to power yoga last week & pilates just now.
might post before & after pix, we'll see. have to take the before pix today, obviously...
my trainer ex used to say he worked out to look good naked.
he did too.
since that's what i want to wear this summer...i started classes at the gym. gonna get a running start on swim-suit season. went to power yoga last week & pilates just now.
might post before & after pix, we'll see. have to take the before pix today, obviously...
my trainer ex used to say he worked out to look good naked.
he did too.
No regrets
still not regretting texting i miss you to my ex. must have been the right thing to do.
my guess is, if he wants to keep in touch, he'll wait a few weeks & then decide that all of a sudden he now has time to hang out.
if he doesn't, at least i don't look bitter & angry.
i felt like that text was a kind of resolution for me last night. like it was the end & i was like, well, it was nice after all. even though he lied, deep down i still think he's a good guy or i doubt i'd miss him after nearly 6 months. i definitely don't miss my cheater ex (who is now engaged, btw, god bless that girl).
still not regretting texting i miss you to my ex. must have been the right thing to do.
my guess is, if he wants to keep in touch, he'll wait a few weeks & then decide that all of a sudden he now has time to hang out.
if he doesn't, at least i don't look bitter & angry.
i felt like that text was a kind of resolution for me last night. like it was the end & i was like, well, it was nice after all. even though he lied, deep down i still think he's a good guy or i doubt i'd miss him after nearly 6 months. i definitely don't miss my cheater ex (who is now engaged, btw, god bless that girl).
February 04, 2008
i miss you
i just texted my most recent ex that i missed him.
i'm bracing myself for the regret that hits after i do something like this.
i'm so tired of detaching from people. it's exhausting.
that's one good thing married people have. they don't have to do that every day.
i was laughing to my friend this morning (who was enjoying the weekend with her husband gone) that we spend our lives trying to get with a mate. then once we do, we spend the rest of the time trying to get away from them.
:) ha.
i just texted my most recent ex that i missed him.
i'm bracing myself for the regret that hits after i do something like this.
i'm so tired of detaching from people. it's exhausting.
that's one good thing married people have. they don't have to do that every day.
i was laughing to my friend this morning (who was enjoying the weekend with her husband gone) that we spend our lives trying to get with a mate. then once we do, we spend the rest of the time trying to get away from them.
:) ha.
preserving my dating freedom
ok, that's a stretch.
but i'm supposed to vote in the primaries tomorrow (says me) and no frickn' clue who to vote for.
just in case anyone else is facing super tuesday unprepared, here's some help.
this is not because i'm unprepared (well, not ONLY b/c of that) but because we have a wealth of 3 candidates i, being independent, could vote for.
http://www.ontheissues.org/Hillary_Clinton.htm
i really like her stand on abortion, to bring it closer to my blog theme...
ok, that's a stretch.
but i'm supposed to vote in the primaries tomorrow (says me) and no frickn' clue who to vote for.
just in case anyone else is facing super tuesday unprepared, here's some help.
this is not because i'm unprepared (well, not ONLY b/c of that) but because we have a wealth of 3 candidates i, being independent, could vote for.
http://www.ontheissues.org/Hillary_Clinton.htm
i really like her stand on abortion, to bring it closer to my blog theme...
February 03, 2008
size matters
this blog is not for children.
so last night i was telling my friend that the guy who was going to come over this week - didn't. he made some excuse. i'm not terribly surprised, i was half expecting it. but my house is nice & clean now, so i'm pretty happy he lead me on.
i said "he just doesn't like se*!" my friend succinctly said, does he have a small di**? i was like, yup. he does. there was a mutual ahhhhhhh.
so there you have it. or don't.
this blog is not for children.
so last night i was telling my friend that the guy who was going to come over this week - didn't. he made some excuse. i'm not terribly surprised, i was half expecting it. but my house is nice & clean now, so i'm pretty happy he lead me on.
i said "he just doesn't like se*!" my friend succinctly said, does he have a small di**? i was like, yup. he does. there was a mutual ahhhhhhh.
so there you have it. or don't.
calling china
on a domestic note, check out this blog on the stationery organizers. i've been contemplating buying these for my drawers like 10 times. fish needs a biycle bit the bullet - and is in domestic bliss.
me, i'm too cheap. i'm waiting for them to go down to $5. and to come in that perfect pattern that matches my house. china, get with the program!
on a domestic note, check out this blog on the stationery organizers. i've been contemplating buying these for my drawers like 10 times. fish needs a biycle bit the bullet - and is in domestic bliss.
me, i'm too cheap. i'm waiting for them to go down to $5. and to come in that perfect pattern that matches my house. china, get with the program!
i am the dancing queen
i had an odd night. i was supposed to meet up with my friends to go to this benefit band thing & then when i didn't hear back for sure in time to make it, i decided not to go out. i got all bent out of shape & went through one of my longtime "nobody loves me" episodes which just isn't pretty. or fun. i cried all of my makeup off & took all my clothes off. i didn't throw them out the window though.
then my friend called back to confirm meeting up at another place & i found out the benefit had cost $20 so they weren't really encouraging people to go for only one hour for that. so everyone was meeting up at the next place. so i put my makeup back on & clothes back on (sorry guys) & went.
and had a blast.
i've learned to try to control those "nobody loves me" episodes because invariably if i let anyone know about them or do something dumb like act weak & whiny it's just a PITA. cuz i recover immediately and have a great time. so i've learned to reserve them all for me, the leftover legacy from my parents divorce that i need to observe in private.
(this part reminds me of alan alda's memoir that i'm currently reading. wow, i aspire to write like that.)
anyhow, the lead singer in the band looked familiar & then i realized when my friends arrived he's the lead singer in one of their bands. they were great.
the lead singer, really wants me. i mean in general. like he was literally grabbing my ass the last time i saw him. last night my friend helped us along a bit by saying, after he complimented my newsboy hat (of the hat blog) "wouldn't she look good with just that hat on?" but i'm not really going there right now. i dunno. he's a band boy & that sounds like a headache.
anyhow, i danced all night, & caught the attention of this kinda nerdy guy with glasses who was pretty cute. i went over to dirty-dance with him later & he ended up asking me to come with his friends. and then catch the morning train home. i was tempted but something was a little wierd about him so i didn't. he did kiss good though.
i think it's only the first or second time a guy has wanted me to come home with him. somethin' must be changing b/c i think i've tended to scare guys off before. i like whatever that is... :)
----------------------------
this sorta story reminds me a bit of jackie o. i hear she had a rough internal experience, due to her mother's constant criticism. (and wow, look at princess diana's mom screaming at her calling her a slut & a whore.) my mom never did that, but my dad's lack of love really spills over into my whole life. i see it everwhere, even when it doesn't exist.
but back to jackie o. beautiful, stunning legacy of a woman. but i can imagine her back in her room crying before she went out too.
and then there's the byline of j lo in a recent magazine (allure?) that reads she doesn't cry in the bathtub anymore.
i guess being a woman is about that. you laugh, you cry. and the odd thing is, for me, if i stop crying, i stop laughing. something about cleaning out the garbage with tears to make room for the sunshine.
but that's far-off from hot guys & dating topics.
or is it??
last night i was actually sparkly. you'd never imagine for a moment i'd just been crying my eyes out an hour before.
ha. maybe i should cry everytime before i go out & see how many guys i could have brought home. or maybe next time i'll actually do it....
i had an odd night. i was supposed to meet up with my friends to go to this benefit band thing & then when i didn't hear back for sure in time to make it, i decided not to go out. i got all bent out of shape & went through one of my longtime "nobody loves me" episodes which just isn't pretty. or fun. i cried all of my makeup off & took all my clothes off. i didn't throw them out the window though.
then my friend called back to confirm meeting up at another place & i found out the benefit had cost $20 so they weren't really encouraging people to go for only one hour for that. so everyone was meeting up at the next place. so i put my makeup back on & clothes back on (sorry guys) & went.
and had a blast.
i've learned to try to control those "nobody loves me" episodes because invariably if i let anyone know about them or do something dumb like act weak & whiny it's just a PITA. cuz i recover immediately and have a great time. so i've learned to reserve them all for me, the leftover legacy from my parents divorce that i need to observe in private.
(this part reminds me of alan alda's memoir that i'm currently reading. wow, i aspire to write like that.)
anyhow, the lead singer in the band looked familiar & then i realized when my friends arrived he's the lead singer in one of their bands. they were great.
the lead singer, really wants me. i mean in general. like he was literally grabbing my ass the last time i saw him. last night my friend helped us along a bit by saying, after he complimented my newsboy hat (of the hat blog) "wouldn't she look good with just that hat on?" but i'm not really going there right now. i dunno. he's a band boy & that sounds like a headache.
anyhow, i danced all night, & caught the attention of this kinda nerdy guy with glasses who was pretty cute. i went over to dirty-dance with him later & he ended up asking me to come with his friends. and then catch the morning train home. i was tempted but something was a little wierd about him so i didn't. he did kiss good though.
i think it's only the first or second time a guy has wanted me to come home with him. somethin' must be changing b/c i think i've tended to scare guys off before. i like whatever that is... :)
----------------------------
this sorta story reminds me a bit of jackie o. i hear she had a rough internal experience, due to her mother's constant criticism. (and wow, look at princess diana's mom screaming at her calling her a slut & a whore.) my mom never did that, but my dad's lack of love really spills over into my whole life. i see it everwhere, even when it doesn't exist.
but back to jackie o. beautiful, stunning legacy of a woman. but i can imagine her back in her room crying before she went out too.
and then there's the byline of j lo in a recent magazine (allure?) that reads she doesn't cry in the bathtub anymore.
i guess being a woman is about that. you laugh, you cry. and the odd thing is, for me, if i stop crying, i stop laughing. something about cleaning out the garbage with tears to make room for the sunshine.
but that's far-off from hot guys & dating topics.
or is it??
last night i was actually sparkly. you'd never imagine for a moment i'd just been crying my eyes out an hour before.
ha. maybe i should cry everytime before i go out & see how many guys i could have brought home. or maybe next time i'll actually do it....