October 03, 2008

connected

last night i decided to feed my need for connection. so instead of just feeling sad i was alone (again) i called my half-sister. and listened to her talk about her awful day.

it was great. i realized, i like to listen!! that is my gift. it is not talking (unless i am presenting at a conference) it is listening. i have not actively listened for a long while and it felt great. she did too, and when we hung up she was a totally different person. i could tell by her voice how much happier she felt.

i did too!

so it works. making a decision to focus on the parts of me that are most important to me, and actively taking responsibility for that - is amazing. plus, i didn't have to reach out to a guy to do it. i think lately - or for a very long time - i've been focusing my attention on guys to fill my need for connection. given that i tend to date guys with large needs for space, they don't really like to be connected. so i'm back to the drawing board. and it looks like i have come up with a workable plan.

you know me, i need to succeed. and - looks like i am succeeding at being connected.

ah. warm fuzzy feeling inside.

speaking of which, the other night mr. big called me. we spoke for a few minutes about his holiday and family and what had happened since we talked last. nothing in depth or particularly important but i got off the phone just feeling so loved & special. that feeling lasted all up until noon the next day or so. (another thing we learned - how long the effects are of things we do to get energy, so we can know when to fuel up on the things we need!) i just felt warm & fuzzy all over. which is what i suppose is the best part of connection. in fact now i still feel warm & fuzzy when i even think about him. i have no idea why! strange the effect people can have on you.

yes, mr. big is definitely a keeper. and he's set a new standard for my interaction with guys. if i don't feel happy & warm & fuzzy after interacting with them -

i'll exercise my queenly authority & say off with their heads!

October 02, 2008

when i'm [not] feeling blue...

i've noticed that two activities that i spend a lot of time on do not make my mood ring turn blue. time to throw these out.

they are

- shopping (or rather, browsing)
- wasting time online, especially on dating sites

it's really cool to be in tune with myself & my happies. it is really boosting my energy to pay attention to these & to not do the other things unless i have to, or to reward myself for doing them.

oddly enough, reading my book while waiting for the train makes me happy. who woulda thunk i would like commuting.

i'm rather liking this permission to involve myself mainly in Queenly activities that are for the good of me & my "realm."

finally, i have permission to be me. something i was never given or even suggested by my family my whole life. taking it on as a goal for myself is just awesome and so freeing.

la la la (sings like pig)

October 01, 2008

jack was not back

well, i got one out of my two boyz on my vaca.

mr. possibility showed up & great fun was had by all. he didn't show up often enough for my taste, but we got along great & set a new precedent for - no drama! some of that was me, yes, i take credit for that. all of it probably! yea me.

jack never came back. we had convos about meeting up but he didn't call at the assigned time. or ever after actually. when i got to town he had all kinds of reasons that he couldn't meet. had to take care of son, had to go to class, didn't want to drive in that hour of la traffic, etc. when i told him i wasn't coming out to the OC, that apparently ended his interest in seeing me. this was in spite of him sending me texts saying he thought i should spend the night. yeah.

this shows me that excuses are only what they are. it was never the women in his life keeping him from seeing me. it was - HIM! i first learned this from my dad who always used my mom as an excuse about why he couldn't call or see me. i moved out on my own and - voila - nothing changed.

so anyhow, i started with the plan to end my r-ships with 7 guys in my life. i've narrowed that to 5, with the possibility of being 4. depending on if mr. NY, who doesn't have a long history of annoyance with me, doesn't come back. we'll aim for 5.

of that 5...four are already gone.

1- mr. military - i am ignoring his texts
2- mr. fl - i can't deal with his emotions & he drains my energy so no more callbacks to him. online interaction only
3- mr. jack is back - because he wasn't
4- mr. russia - only comes around when a guy shows up in my life so only online interaction if i feel like it. maybe.
5- mr. ny - he self-eliminated. at least for now, he's out.
6 & 7 - i'll keep mr. possibility & mr. big. even though neither one is. lol. :) mr. possibility showed up to see me, & mr. big texted to see a movie while i was gone on vaca, so he's still in. both of them are reliable, show up to meet me and most of all, kind to me, no matter how crazy i get.

yea me. time to move on - to serious possibilities & guys who don't waste my precious energy anymore!

my new queenly motto - You shall enhance my realm - or be gone!
it's a break-up b/c it's broken

i could never fix things with mr. NY. things were remedied somewhat (aka the fighting stopped) when i sent him a bottle of champagne to celebrate his green card. but he doesn't want to fix things.

as i see it, we would have kept getting into conflict anyway, which doesn't fit with my new NQ to have peaceful relationships. although i could try to improve, there is only so much you can do when the interaction between you just doesn't work.

or - one party doesn't want it to work.

so i'm considering that we have broken up. yeah, we were never together but i guess i have to do this. my clue was my sadness at no more little blue notifiers from him.

i guess mr. big will be my rebound guy now. huh. mr. ny was my rebound from him. oh well, who goes around comes around...
addiction

i am trying to degoogle myself.

hi. i'm seeing-single and i'm a gmail addict. when my little notifier envelope doesn't light up regularly, i experience withdrawal symptoms (sadness, fear of loss & lack of connection).

i admit it. i need help.
success

mmmmmm. did you know starbucks makes french pressed coffee upon request? at least my branch does. i've had it twice now. today it is nursing my jetlag/sicklag.

i arrived home yesterday from LA & promptly took the day off to recover from my redeye flight. even though i got the whole row to self to sleep zzzz i didn't want to come back to work. so i took the extra day to extend my vaca a little bit further and it worked. i feel much more emotionally balanced.

i also got a mood ring, from my cousin. now this is the coolest thing ever. it really works too!!! i am learning how to identify my "happies" from whenever it is blue. which it is right now. i like blogging.

the main takeaway from this "Queen" development conference, which i will be talking about for a while, is the four "Noble Qualities" that are the cornerstone of my life. these nq's illustrate the fact that - i have NOT failed in my life, but rather built my life around them. the fact that they happen not to be widely accepted in femaledom as accoutrements of success matters not. what matters is that - i have embodied my goals and at last i realize - i am me for a reason and i AM NOW the me i wanted to be. this is the main thing i wanted to bring home from the conference and i did. the fact that i HAVE started on life. i am not on training wheels and i do not have to have a house, picket fence, 3.5 kids, a black lab, an SUV and a husband (notice he goes last, lol) to have succeeded.

my four nq's are being

1) successful (for the reason of security) - this is why i get more excited to be quoted in the wsj than at the thought of having a kid
2) connected (hence my online presence & love of friends) - this is why i obsess about boyz, lol
3) healthy (why i love exercise) - this is why i love to dance!
4) peaceful (absence of conflict) - and this is why i keep trying over & over to resolve my r-ships with men

if you know me, and you read my blog, you know these are the cornerstones of my life. but what is interesting that the identification of these in the conference was so roundabout i never realized that i was really ID'ing the fundamental part of me until i went - hey, this is what my whole life is centered around!

this is why i talk about career - and why i keep this blog. #2, being connected, is so important to me, that i spend a lot of time trying to make and keep connections with the men in my life.

ah. my ring is - deep blue.

bloggin makes me happy.

so does...

1) driving
2) reading
3) relaxing
4) being with friends

i love my new me! - no more apologies for not being like you.

not that there's anything wrong with that...