the horror

ok, well, in this case, it's the fear, but i like that quote from the former pets.com sock puppet. you didn't know this but i used to run his online fan club. yes i did. for years. people loved the sock.

anyway.

so i wrote my cap last night asking what his weekend was looking like & haven't heard back yet. that's an eternity in my head, a second in his. (from last night until now.) this is the part where it's hard to keep my self-confidence up. this is hte problem we ran into when we were dating.

i wanted to see him. he wanted to be at the funnest place possible. which meant with all his friends. out.

hence the reason we stopped dating.

i was ok with this, well, until i start getting addicted or attached to him. he doesn't have this happen regarding me so it's all one-sided. & here i am wondering when i'll see him again.

i don't like this part of the open relationship thing. i don't like the not knowing. but it is also the most attractive part of the relationship to. the not knowing. it makes things interesting. keeps things interesting.

that hardest part of relating to a guy is keeping up your confidence. alison armstrong writes about this & it's so true. when men & women date, it's not the guy that changes (the most) it's the woman. we get clingy, why don't you love me, why don't you call me. the girl the guy THOUGHT he was bringing home was a bubbly confident f*you type who didn't need him to choose every adverb for her, & now there she is bawling on the floor because he watches a little round ball being thrown around too long & doesn't love her anymore.

sigh.

well, i have stuff going on. mr. 5-years ago is going to stop by today. tonite i could do 2 or 3 different things, including meet up with the bachlorette b*, but i dunno. i might just chill at home. we'll see...gotta be a vin diesel movie out there i haven't seen yet.

i went to a meet & mix thing last night & met a new guy. he's a software engineer, seems sweet. but every sad. i'm not sure just cuz it was laid off. i don't think i can deal with sad guys.

one thing about my cap is that he might not be around all that much but he doesn't have a current of anger or sadness running through his veins that depresses me. i have too much sadness of my own to want any more...

waves back to princess b!

it's not supposed to be this way!

i seem to live outside the realm of normality.

i'm currently very happy with a non-traditional is-it-a-relationship? & it's all wrong. it's just not right.

but i'm super happy.

last night i hung out with mr. busy, who i'm going to now start calling my cap. as in capricorn. i don't wear him on my head.

and i am super happy today. did i say that already? he has that effect on me. always has, but it's getting worse. or better.

thing is, we didn't do anything! we drove around trying to find a place to eat, finally had some eh food & watched the red sox. then went back to my place & laid on the couch & i fell asleep while he watched tv.

that was it.

it.

nothing else.

& i'm happy as a clam.

what is it about this guy? i woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & went, wow, you're like super happy. so i wrote to him, saying how happy i was. what was he doing, drugging me? whatever it was, keep it up. lol.

so on the way to work i grab why men love bi*ches & read it. nothing applies. i mean about him. we don't have a relationship. i don't think we're headed there. he's happiest when he's off when other people on weekends & i'm not doing so bad myself seeing other people too.

but he makes me the happiest of anyone in my life & i think anyone i've ever dated. & we do nothing!

in fact, we don't even really have any meaningful conversation. it's just hang out & relax & chill.

i'm so fricken confused.

but happy.

go figure.