free at last

my (single) friend in NY wrote this e-mail and sent it out to us. since i can have no conception of what this election must mean to a majority of the country - i will share his comments. it brings tears to my eyes.

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My Friends,

This is not a political commentary, but I'd like all to know that I
have never been prouder to be an American than I am today- you can
guess the reason why!!!

I was out till 3am this morning walking in the streets of my
neighborhood watching people dance, play drums and stop traffic while
cars honked like crazy. I saw what looked like an Indian cab driver
get out of his vehicle and do a jig in the street while a collection
of ethnically diverse people danced along, this backed up traffic on
DeKalb Avenue for a couple of blocks, and no one got upset. I
witnessed a white cop complain about the proceedings and a black cop
tell him, "let them party, let them have their drinks in the streets,
let them enjoy the night!!!" And they did- the cops stood to the side
and watched as all were having a good time, including them!!!

My friends, beautiful women who didn't know me from Adam would look me
in the face with a smile as appealing as fresh baked apple pie and
wish me well as I walked by them. If I didn't have work in the morning
this would have been the night to hook-up and fall in love with a
complete stranger. The magic was in the air. There was so much love
and good feelings going around I found it hard to tear myself away to
go home and sleep.

I am so proud of my community in BK.

Best to all on this glorious day which God ordained…

Free at last-Free at last; thank God All Mighty I am free at last!!!!

boundaries

this is the first time in my life that i have successfully and nicely set boundaries for interaction with me - with someone that i really like.

aka if you would like to keep interacting with me, this is what we need to figure out. does it work for both of us? and if not, it's ok if you don't show up in my life again. we're at a pretty good place & it's been good.

i'm not expecting it to change anything or make mr. big any more inclined to interact with me, although that would be a secondary benefit. the primary benefit is to remove myself from doormat mode & place my self solidly inside the living room of love.

how corny is that. lol.

(that's really what lol stands for too. wow, i am reaching new lows in my humor!)

new beginnings

it's time for a change. out with the old. in with the new.

we have a new president. (i didn't vote for him, but he's my logical preference. i just went with perceived character over charisma, but i'm happy to have charisma & change!)

brueggers has switched up blueberry coffee for pumpkin. (ok ugh)

i am gonna move on from these capricorns. (unless of course they come looking for me)

i'm a taurus. change is hard.

but it's good.

happy new things everyone!

wow

in yet another illustration of why i remain super crushed on mr. big, he responded today to both of my e-mails. in depth. patiently answering or commenting on my objections. asking what kind of solution i was looking for. and saying let him know if i wanted to talk more about these things i brought up.

there is no talk of me getting too attached, so let's cut things off. instead he is asking basically - how can i make you happy?

yup. that's my boy.

and that my friends, is why i like mr. big.

voting

i plan to vote today, but for whom?

may actually flip a coin in the voting booth. kid you not.

that's how effective the campaigns were. ha.

not that it matters what i vote anyway since the electoral college, like the super-delegates (but more influential) will decide everything.

so really, what is the point?

a bit annoyed.

control

w asked a great question - why does mr. big get all the control.

it's because i care more.

that's about it. i get attached, he doesn't. i fear loss. he doesn't.

i used to be embarrassed about this, but it is the way it is. and i actually care enough to say something rather than to just play a game about it. if i lose him again because i once again cared too much, that's the way it is.

i mean it's not like i'm spamming him or stalking him. my communications are basically that i liked being with him, had fun with him, love certain ahem things about him. etc. if that turns him off, wtf.

the same sort of communication with mr. ny gets completely opposite results. mr. ny loves sexy texting. he responds, immediately a lot of the time. so it's not like i am doing anything different with the two guys. it's just their response.

if mr. big decides to end things, that is his option. it is not my preference, but it's his choice. me, i want to be treated with respect. but i don't need him to become mr. ny. just to be respectful of my feelings.

the reason these guys get the control is b/c they are capricorns. you basically don't interact past a certain point unless they are in control. that is unless you can play cat & mouse long enough. me i have a hard time running.

i guess i get boring. they know they've caught me & they're off to the next girl.

oh well.

i just don't have the energy to spend trying to play hard to get. if they don't want my affection i can go somewhere else with it.

so i guess it's more about a choice than control. if you choose to be with me, treat me with respect. if you choose not to, leave.

callin' a spade a spade

well, i called mr. big on his disrespect of me, aka i'm good enough to screw around with but not important enough to respond to afterwards when i try to communicate. i said i was not a one night stand & asked him to find a solution that works for both of us.

my guess is that means he's outta here faster than a speeding bullet b/c now i have created drama. but since i'm already pissed, whatever.

i didn't want to make an ultimatum or whine. i just said it like i saw it. it IS disrespectful & i deserve more.

i didn't think ignoring him back would particularly solve anything. and my anxiety was just too high to live like that anymore. i'm not the sorta girl that can put up with that. or wants to.

so i guess i should print out my calendars & start my 30 days of no contact like we have broken up. for sure he will run for the hills for long enough to see if i follow or not - or he will just decide we're right back where we were when we dated & he's not up for actually having a real live relationship with me.

in which case, it's better to call it now.

ugh.

oh well. i provided the best solution i could. which was for HIM to come up with a solution. he knows what he wants, he knows what i want. if he can't come up with something workable for both of us, then there is no solution.

besides, this lets him fully control the outcome so he doesn't feel like i'm manipulating him. it's his choice.

ok, off to print my calendar.

did i say ugh?

damn sexy boyz.

if i were a boy

finally someone wrote a song about this!

i've wished i were a boy my whole life.

and always wondered what it would be like...

baby angst

so i'm having baby angst. nah, this isn't about babies. this is a small amount of angst, lol.

mr. big hasn't returned a text, e-mail or v-mail during the last week. my "i'm being abandoned" sensor has kicked in & is screaming like a fire alarm.

and then my reason kicks in. this is what he does. he takes everything in & then responds whenever we talk again. like, i got your text of 5 days ago, what did it mean? and then i'm like, well, the moment kinda passed. like 5 thousand of them...

so - i can either deal with this - or not. there was nothing i said except for friday night (which was what 3 days ago) that NEEDED to be responded to. he hasn't gone anywhere, except out of town, i expect.. i just saw him last week. we're well within his normal response time. but - i don't like being ignored.

i've been with him when he's ignored his phone, which is most of the time. he does take everything in. but the only person i've seen him interact with on a continual basis is his dad. that's cool. i dig that. apparently not his mom. or other women.

this is a problem i have had for years. i tend to have a very short window before i get pissed off. and then i am real smart & i talk about it. this is about the equivelent of a guy whining that you don't call them enough. yeah. you can see how sexy this is. so i'm changing it. i can go AWOL too.

in other news, but somewhat related, the other night i had a complete meltdown. on halloween i thought to self, self, i have no friends to go out with. i asked 3 guys to go to the party with me. and the girl at work had dissed me when i asked about going to salem to hang. and my housemate was having people over. i boohooed on my couch for a while.

then i got up & started getting ready for the party.

in the meantime one of my online dates called back. and my housemate invited me downstairs. and i figured out mr. big might be out of town. so i wasn't hated after all.

i ended up having so much fun at the party that i never got to date #2 (or 3?) with dean. (date #1 had been at lunch ugh.)

it is interesting to me to just keep reaching out to make new friends whether i feel like it or not. i am such a loner it is very difficult for me to do that. you can't tell by my pictures, lol, i look like a party animaless. i am. i mean if you can get me there...

all this went to show me - i am loved. i just am not used to making new friends & putting myself out there. i'm the girl who responds to the phone call. it's a whole new world of BEING the phone call.

in the spirit of this, i wrote to dean & suggested we try again. (i had kept waiting for him to write back. but hey i guess i was the one who blew him off...)

i'll be interested to see how mr. big responds when i don't. i never did that before. i was always the one to be like, hey, where are you? we'll see what he does when i run & hide. granted it will take him a month to figure that out.

but he will. at least i know by now - he's not going anywhere. that's huge. (again, why i call him mr. big, lol.)

it's up to me to see if i am the one that wants to hang around...

trees

well, it looks like we reached peak weekend in boston for fall colors. :)

my trees however, have not gotten the memo. dumb trees.

instead of being bright yellow this year, like they were last year, they are motley greenbrownorangish. that is the leaves that remain.

i don't know what i should do. this is agregious. i have to walk down the street to see a yellow tree.

maybe i should get a discount on rent?

dumb trees.