baby angst

so i'm having baby angst. nah, this isn't about babies. this is a small amount of angst, lol.

mr. big hasn't returned a text, e-mail or v-mail during the last week. my "i'm being abandoned" sensor has kicked in & is screaming like a fire alarm.

and then my reason kicks in. this is what he does. he takes everything in & then responds whenever we talk again. like, i got your text of 5 days ago, what did it mean? and then i'm like, well, the moment kinda passed. like 5 thousand of them...

so - i can either deal with this - or not. there was nothing i said except for friday night (which was what 3 days ago) that NEEDED to be responded to. he hasn't gone anywhere, except out of town, i expect.. i just saw him last week. we're well within his normal response time. but - i don't like being ignored.

i've been with him when he's ignored his phone, which is most of the time. he does take everything in. but the only person i've seen him interact with on a continual basis is his dad. that's cool. i dig that. apparently not his mom. or other women.

this is a problem i have had for years. i tend to have a very short window before i get pissed off. and then i am real smart & i talk about it. this is about the equivelent of a guy whining that you don't call them enough. yeah. you can see how sexy this is. so i'm changing it. i can go AWOL too.

in other news, but somewhat related, the other night i had a complete meltdown. on halloween i thought to self, self, i have no friends to go out with. i asked 3 guys to go to the party with me. and the girl at work had dissed me when i asked about going to salem to hang. and my housemate was having people over. i boohooed on my couch for a while.

then i got up & started getting ready for the party.

in the meantime one of my online dates called back. and my housemate invited me downstairs. and i figured out mr. big might be out of town. so i wasn't hated after all.

i ended up having so much fun at the party that i never got to date #2 (or 3?) with dean. (date #1 had been at lunch ugh.)

it is interesting to me to just keep reaching out to make new friends whether i feel like it or not. i am such a loner it is very difficult for me to do that. you can't tell by my pictures, lol, i look like a party animaless. i am. i mean if you can get me there...

all this went to show me - i am loved. i just am not used to making new friends & putting myself out there. i'm the girl who responds to the phone call. it's a whole new world of BEING the phone call.

in the spirit of this, i wrote to dean & suggested we try again. (i had kept waiting for him to write back. but hey i guess i was the one who blew him off...)

i'll be interested to see how mr. big responds when i don't. i never did that before. i was always the one to be like, hey, where are you? we'll see what he does when i run & hide. granted it will take him a month to figure that out.

but he will. at least i know by now - he's not going anywhere. that's huge. (again, why i call him mr. big, lol.)

it's up to me to see if i am the one that wants to hang around...