lonely in paradise

sometimes, in fact quite often, it's very lonely being single. you pretend to yourself that if you weren't single you wouldn't be lonely. which you then remember is a lot of b.s. because your mind then polls all your past relationships and flags those where you where indeed lonely, trying to convince you things are fine the way they are.

well, if it's fine the way it is, why do we human's have this lonely/relationship itch that we just have to scratch? apparently we're NOT supposed to feel alone. at least more than x% of the time, whatever value x has to each of us individually. as though there is this warning that goes off and says "Attention: You are feeling lonely. Please do something about it." much like the door lady in the car, though not with "The door is a jar? No kidding. Does Toyota know this?" pun to think to yourself.

independent people also tend to be more lonely i think because we tend to have a greater resistance to listening to our Attention warnings. Yesterday is a prime example.

where i work we have free passes to the acquarium, and yesterday our company went over at lunch. i was happy because i'd been wanting to go for a while, but not by myself. what happened? i ended up walking around by myself! i just didn't seem to fit in with any of the groups and i have a greater need to absorb information at my own pace than i do to stick with a group. so at one point i was wiping a tear from my eye and saying to myself, i waited all this time to see these things with people and here i am alone watching the penguins! so i promptly found a group to look at things with and stuck with them until i felt annoyed enough to go off on my own again.

finally i decided to end my predicament by hanging out with our cute resident bachelor who was also looking around alone. that turned out quite well. we watched myrtle the turtle together.

who, incidentally, also seems to live alone.

today's post: sexy

there are times when you want to smack guys on the street for acting like construction workers. and i don't mean in a kissy-kissy way. then there are other times when you do mean in a kissy-kissy way...(if you don't believe this is true, check out the latest issue of cosmo or glamour or something like that where a mother pushing a stroller misses the whistles that used to annoy her so much).

this morning i wore my new hot (i.e. low cut, tight, flare, pinstripe) jeans to work as i was coordinator for lee denim day at my office. and damn, i looked good. but the metro guy at the t-stop really made me feel it. when i walked by he said, damn, great pants. i said "THANK you! :)" he said "they're really sexy." i said TY at least 2 more times. cuz ya know what? he was right, damn it! and good for him for telling things like they are. i felt great all day.

now, for those of you moralistic women who aren't reading this but would yell at me for encouraging such behavior, let me just point out for the record: he was only stating the obvious. ;) and he didn't use the word sexy until he heard i liked the first part. in any case, this is a moment when it's great to be single. i ain't got no man to worry about me taking that compliment for all it's worth. sweet.

now, for those women i was also talking about, if he'd said that on a day when i DIDN'T have great pants on, then he should be smacked for sure.

boys, there is a diff. and we know it. when we look hot & you tell us, that's cool. when we don't & you tell us, you sound like the idiot in the north end the other saturday night who said "you look really pretty. can i have a dollar?" ain't none of that gonna get a lady anything but pissed off.

today's post: why can't a woman be more like a man?

so i'm reading this book today. and it is telling us women how to get along with men. which, that fact in itself, i won't comment on. but the book goes into really basic things. i mean embarrassingly basic things that women either a) don't know or b) don't do. such as be yourself. don't give up your life for a man when he comes along (because when he goes along, then where will you be? oh, and when he's there, where will you be when he's out with his boys?) and basically telling us not to be gumbies.

wow, i mean where did that come from. how have we been socialized that we have to be told these things? it's really sad. is the patriarchal society that devastating to women that we need training in caring for ourselves first? apparently so.

or is it just our human nature, given that we can have children, to naturally put others first? i've said before that if men had kids, when they were so focused on one thing at a time, they'd lose their kids down the drain. anyhow, whatever it is, for some reason we have to take "be yourself, keep yourself" classes.

what amazes me is that men apparently are socialized to be encouraged to be and keep themselves, while women are socialized to cater to men's desire to do this. ok, what exactly is the problem here? did we grow up seeing our mothers drag themselves out of bed every morning before dad to make breakfast so he'd have a warm one in his tummy? or maybe it was for us. and dad got some too incidentally. whatever it was, who REALLY likes to clank pots and pans around early in the morning before you have even 1 eye open all the way?

so here i am with a masters' degree, trying to figure out how to stay the naturally independent person i am when a man comes along. and i'm getting such mixed messages from society. in my smart little books, i read to be myself. then in the hip and latest in women's magazines, i read how to be the best _____ for him. and stay that say. what good training is that for a committed relationship? how are you supposed to keep up the excitement in a relationship and the challenge that supposedly men want (and i like too) while you're busy being a rug?

i'm so confused.