September 19, 2008

ugh

i'm headed home to another lonely weekend by self. kitten is even away at the vets. he'll be back by saturday night though. yea.

apparently surgery was successful & his little balls were clipped without incident. hopefully he is quieter & less bitey.

i have only one person in my life right now calling me up to do anything. my housemate. other than that - it's all me to make my entertainment.

mr. big remains flirty but non-committal about plans. not that i've asked him for any except for the ill-fated movie sighting that neither of us was really that gung ho about. so no gung or ho happened. maybe it will this weekend, he was hinting around about something.

i have shitloads to do anyway. got all prepped for the conference on mon & tues that i'm chairing. what a PITA. but good pr for self, especially if want to change jobs in this market. fortunately am co-chairing (quite by accident, his joining me, but a good one) with a real go-getter from an asset mgt firm that has done most of the work. training me in i guess. i just got my comments all ready. dinner with those peeps sunday night.

then gotta pack for trip to la.

now that will be interesting.

mr. possibility (no longer one) hasn't shown up lately i'm supposed to stay with him. mr. jack is back wants me to stay over. yeah. prob not. i mean for why? so he can diss me again for another few years when he starts dating someone again.

oh well. much to get ready for. sad to be alone doing it.

oh well. now that i'm all integrated (wait i just said oh well twice dammit) dammit. hee hee. gees, i'm all about the 2s. and here i am single & all. ok, it stopped.

so as i was saying, integration is good. good thing! thing is (there we go again! wow, am i on something or what?) that i guess i have to be integrated into things & pets cuz right now people ain't happenin'.

the only guys wanting to be around me are super unreliable. mr. military is also texting me & i'm ignoring him b/c he fluctuates between saying i'm the next mrs. military & then not calling when he comes to town. huh.

and where are the girls? school has started, babies on the way, you know. shit happens.

so my entertainment this weekend is cats & rats. ratatoille is my saturday night menu while i hug my kitten. or hold him away from the screen, lol. thank goodness for netflix.

yup, thank goodness i'm well integrated there! hee hee.
relief is spelled - integration

this isn't a computer term, this is how i feel about life. finally. i'm integrated.

i feel that i've been running on a separate track from everyone else since i was a child. living in a parallel universe where my life kinda mattered but not really. like if i disappeared no one would really notice. i've been half there.

that is strange, considering that for much of my life i have been a concert musician, and a good one, and people do tend to notice that! yet i still felt invisible and strangely disconnected.

at the core of me there has been this big void when it comes to who is me?

it wasn't until this morning riding in on the train, with the sun in my eyes, reading my mike connelly murder mystery book after dropping kitten off at the vet to get his little balls cut off (poor baby). i looked into the sun & this feeling came over me.

i matter.

i am connected.

one of the things i have avoided throughout the years is connection. to anyone. based on the fact that i grew up moving so much, and am very wary of men & tending to lose my g-friends frequently, i try to keep myself to myself.

but all of a sudden i really care for my kitten, and that makes me feel connected. plus i have a job where, if i don't show up to chair a couple financial services conferences, for example, someone will notice. and i have an apartment. a car. a kindasorta boyfriend stand-in guy (mr. big) who really is sweet even through my random craziness. and my dancing.

finally, i am here. i am home. there is a me, a home to go to in my heart. at last i can stop searching for it outside myself. i am integrated into me and my world.

how do you spell relief?

September 17, 2008

"rolled-back" research

good news for all diet haters. apparently, if there is a walmart near you, you will weigh less. it seems that the low cost of goods encourages you to eat healthier and lose weight automatically. just call it the walmart diet.

what is not mentioned is the rolled-back budget for this research, with the discounted version missing the correlation between the findings and the conclusion. or perhaps research project A was conducted, while results from project B were reported.

no doubt walmart paid nothing for this study, and instead this discount research was heavily sub-sidized by the local farmers and real estate agents either at gun-point or when they were heavily medicated on anti-depressants due to the devaluation of their property and uprooted turnips when walmart came to town.

all i can say is, thank goodness that walmart bank never got approved! if walmart does this with research, what would they do with my money?

September 16, 2008

blog mandate in question

i've been told i write a pretty witty blog when i get in the mood.

thinking of expanding beyond just dating stuff, although this has been my blog's purpose.

admittedly everything that happens to me & that i think would be fair game, given that it is written by a single person. (as in NOT MARRIED, mr. plentoffish date, grrr)

should i expand or keep focused on just dating stuff?

comments welcome...
clean slate

i've deleted a bunch of blogs, gonna start over again.

it's kinda like i wiped my glasses off.

here we go - back to seeing-more-clearly-single.