relief is spelled - integration

this isn't a computer term, this is how i feel about life. finally. i'm integrated.

i feel that i've been running on a separate track from everyone else since i was a child. living in a parallel universe where my life kinda mattered but not really. like if i disappeared no one would really notice. i've been half there.

that is strange, considering that for much of my life i have been a concert musician, and a good one, and people do tend to notice that! yet i still felt invisible and strangely disconnected.

at the core of me there has been this big void when it comes to who is me?

it wasn't until this morning riding in on the train, with the sun in my eyes, reading my mike connelly murder mystery book after dropping kitten off at the vet to get his little balls cut off (poor baby). i looked into the sun & this feeling came over me.

i matter.

i am connected.

one of the things i have avoided throughout the years is connection. to anyone. based on the fact that i grew up moving so much, and am very wary of men & tending to lose my g-friends frequently, i try to keep myself to myself.

but all of a sudden i really care for my kitten, and that makes me feel connected. plus i have a job where, if i don't show up to chair a couple financial services conferences, for example, someone will notice. and i have an apartment. a car. a kindasorta boyfriend stand-in guy (mr. big) who really is sweet even through my random craziness. and my dancing.

finally, i am here. i am home. there is a me, a home to go to in my heart. at last i can stop searching for it outside myself. i am integrated into me and my world.

how do you spell relief?